Third Year - Graveyard
Remus Lupin
Remus was called into Dumbledore's office this morning and he sits patiently in front of him just as he did a few weeks ago.
“Mr Lupin,” he says camly.
“What you gonna tell me my dad died too” Remus chuckles wryly. Maybe that wasn't the most polite thing to say. But when Remus is known for his manners.
“Mr lupin. Please be respectful”
Remus rolls his eyes.
“You're mothers funeral is tomorrow and you are allowed to stay with your aunt for three to five days.”
Remus' heart sinks. He's actually going to have to see his mother.
“You're allowed to bring your friends along if you want” Mgonnagal chimes in
“I am?” Remus questions
“Whatever you need mr lupin” Dumbledore adds.
“Can I go?” Remus asks. His chest feels as if it's going to explode.
“You may be excused “ Dumblore nods his head slowly.
Remus instantly stands up his chair scraping the floor just as before. He gets back to his dorm and his friends are doing the usual. Peters is on the floor with James playing chess and Sirius is picking an album to put on his record player.
Sirius’s head turns to the door. “Moons! You okay? What they want you for”
Remus' face heats us as the attention points to him.
“My mothers funeral is tomorrow “ Remus says bluntly.
Sirius eyebrows raise.
“Oh”
“You okay moony?” James asks. Turning his head back to remus. Peter doesn't say anything but Remus can see the pity in his eyes. It makes Remus want to crawl into a hole.
He hates that everyone around him is constantly feeling bad for him
Why can't I just be a normal kid?
“No need to make a big deal of it” Remus rolls his eyes.
Sirius furrows his brows at the snappiness from remus.
Remus doesn't mean to be snappy. He just wants everyone to go back to what they were doing .
“It is a big deal moons” Sirius says
“Oh fuck off i dont need your pity ,Black” Remus spits out and regrets it just as quick. Sirius flinches back and his lips are turned down. Remus makes his way to his bed, kicking off his shoes and closing the curtain.
He hears the bathroom door slam just soon after. He feels even worse now hurting Sirius feelings like that.
Remus falls asleep in about ten minutes of laying in bed.’
He wakes up a few hours later to see everyones fallen asleep.
He walks over to Sirius's bed. His curtains are closed so Remus has no idea if he's even asleep.
“Pst” remus stands beside Sirius' bed, hoping that he's awake.
“What?” Sirius whispers back. Remus feels relief wash over his chest.
“Can i come in” Remus
“Fine” Sirius opens his curtains. Remus sits on the other end of Sirius' bed as Sirius closes the curtain.
Sirius furrows his brows. His hair is a mess and his eyes are tired.
“Im sorry” Remus blurts out. “I'm sorry , okay. I don't know why i yell i just can't help it”
“It's okay Remus . I really understand.” Sirius face softens
“No. It's not okay. I shouldn't yell. Especially at you” Remus wipes his face.
“Moony. I get it. Okay? You're going through a lot.”
“That's not an excuse”
“Yes it is,” Sirius argues. “Your mother just died. And I want you to get this through your thick skull” Sirius says bluntly , grabbing Remus’s hand. “You remus lupin are not a burden. Okay? I don't pity you. I care about you. And I know that you're going through a lot. And I'm here for you. Because i love you”
Remus feels like crying. His face is all hot and his eyes are locked with Sirius's .
I love you too.
Remus wants to get the words out but all he can do is cry.
He hates being this vulnerable, but Sirius makes it seem all okay. Sirius pulls him into a hug.
“You're my best friend moons” SIrius whispers
Remus stays quiet.
Remus pulls away. “Dumbledore says I can bring you guys with me when I go. If you want to come.” He looks down at his hands as he waits for Sirius to answer.
“Of course I'll go. “
“Okay” Remus says quietly.
“Okay” Sirius tucks his hair behind his ears.Remus has never noticed but Sirius's nails are quite long compared to his. But Remus does have a habit of chewing him off.
“Do you want to stay?”
Remus stays quiet about his question. Je just nods shortly and sirius moves to the left side of the bed and remus moves to the right.
The two lay side by side just like the day Sirius came back from holiday. The two are under the covers when Sirius is the first to speak again.
“I know what it's like. Feeling like people pity you” Sirius pauses, biting onto his bottom lip. “I hate it. I know I seem like I want people's attention on me. Which I do. Most of the time but when its - I dunno it's dumb”
“It's not dumb” Remus says. Another quiet moment passes between the two before Remus talks again. “I'm scared”
“I know”
“I'm going to see her tomorrow, “ Remus whispers.
Sirius stays quiet, and Remus feels his eyes start to sting.
“But she's not really going to be there”
Sirius brings his hands up to Remus's face. Pushing the tears away from his eyes.’
Remus is uncontrollably crying at this point and he just wants to bury his face away from Sirius. Whose eyes are locked right on him.
“I'm sorry” Remus says. “This is embarrassing.” He tries to hold back more tears but can't seem to keep them from falling.
“It's not embarrassing one bit moons. Cry . Cry it all out its okay”
“I don't want to cry it all out. I don't want to get over this.”
“That's okay,” Sirius caresses his face, pushing back Remus' brown hair.’
“Tommorows going to make it all too real. “ Remus chokes out . “Part of me just thinks this is some kind of joke. Like it can't be real.”
Sirius stays quiet and just listens.
“I'm tired of having everything be wrong with me. Like cant the moon thing be enough” Remus laughs tiredly. The tears seem to have stopped .
“I mean what the fuck.”
Sirius runs his hand through Remus's hair.
“I don't know why I'm talking so much. I'm just keeping you up.
“No you're not. I like it when you talk” Sirius says firmly.
“I don't like talking. Most of the time “
“I know that” Sirius smiles lightly.
“I mean you usually do all the talking for me”
“Yeah” Sirius dims down.
“No, it's nice.”
“It is? It's not annoying how much i talk” Sirius furrows his brows.
“Well I didn't say that” Remus chuckles.
“Oh shove off” Sirius rolls his eyes away from Remus’s gaze.
“I like it when you talk” Remus fidgets with his hands by his side as face away from Sirius as possible.
“Oh alright” Sirius hums.
“I mean it,” Remus says.
“Well I'm all of words for the night” Sirius says.
“Me too,” Remus says softly . “Thanks for letting me sleep here.”
“Any time moons” Sirius smiles , his hand still on Remus' cheek.
The two lay quietly like that until they both fell asleep.
Remus wakes up in the morning, his arms intertwined with Sirius like usual. He feels at ease for a moment before remembering today's events, his stomach does a flip and feels as if he's going to throw up.
Remus sits up and walks to the loo to brush his teeth before James stops him.
“Moony”
“James” Remus hums.
“You okay?”
“Mhm” remus hums again. Wiping the tiredness from his eyes.
“If you need anything just-”
“Can you come today? Pete too. I just- i don't know . i'll be a complete mess if you guys aren't there”
“Of course Moony. Whatever you need” James smiles. His eyes always crease when he smiles. Making his glasses push up his nose.
“Well i leave at One , and dumbledore said i could be there for three to five days:
“Okay” James affirms. “Do you want a hug”
“No, I'm okay. Thanks James” Remus smiles tiredly. Walking to the loo and shutting the door. He looks at his face in the mirror just as every morning.
His eyes are puffy from crying the night before.
God, I made such a fool of myself in front of Sirius. Remus thinks to himself.
He brushes his teeth and turns on the shower, making it as hot as possible. He steps in and lets the hot water scortch his skin.
Its about an hour later and everyone is down at breakfast. Remus can't imagine the idea of stomaching anything at this time.
Another hour passes and another and another. Until its about time to leave. Remus feels like hes out of his body. Nothing seems real, the circumstances of where hes going doesnt feel real.
Nothing feels real, everything feels like some sick joke.
“Moons? You ready” Remus looks up to the side of him and there stands Sirius.
“Mhm” Remus mumbles. He's been fidgeting with the bracelet his mother made him for a good twenty minutes. It hasnt been taken off his wrist since he found out.
James and Peter are waiting by the dorm's door anxiously.
“Are you sure you wernt hungry?” Sirius asks, as the four of them make their way to Dumbledore's office.
“Mhm” Remus mumbles again.
The four step into Dumbledore's office and remus instantly feels tense. “Alright, you know how the deal goes, you four grab floo powder and say your destination.”
The four floor there way to Remus’s hometown, and Remus feels as if hes going to throw up the closer they get to his house.
Remus gets to the front door and he can hear people talking, he opens the door and notices right away that the house is empty. There's people, but none of their things.
“What the fuck”
“Remus! Sweetheart” His aunt calls out, she's has a baby in her arms. and looks as if she's been crying.
“Where the fuck are her things.”
“Language” She says firmly.
“I dont give a shit, where are my mothers things?
“The storage unit. Remus. Calm down”
“Dont tell me to calm down, this is ridiculous. You people think you can come here and take everything away from her”
“This was her decision to Put everything away”
“No it wasnt”
“Remus”
“You have no right , this is our house. You dont live here anymore so you dont have a say”
“Youre right. I dont have a say. Remus i know that your angry but this was all your mothers choice. Youre going to a childrens home, and this house is going up for sale.”
His mother had told him, but he refused to believe it to be real. He refuses to believe any of this is real. His mother wasnt supposed to die.
Remus hasn't noticed but his face is drenched in tears, snot is running down his lips and his nails are digging into his palm.
Remus storms off to his mothers room and slams the door, its empty too. Shes not here. None of her is here.
Remus sits on the floor of the empty room.
His mother was always in this room. For months. She died in this room. And Remus can feel it. He can still feel his mothers spirit. So Remus just burries his face into his knees and cries for about an hour.
HEs interrupted at a knock at the door. “Remus sweetheart, I have your suit”
Remus stands up and opens the door, His aunt is standing there with a black suit. Remus just stares at it.
His lip is still quivering from crying .
“I'm sorry Remus” She brings him into a hug and Remus hugs her back so tightly he's sure he's knocking the breath out of her.
Remus steps back, letting go of her.
He goes back in the room and puts on his suit. He wonders where his friends are still standing at the door.
Why on earth would I drag them here?
He leaves the room in his suit and his eyes meet with his friends who are sitting lined up against the living room wall.
“Moony, you look great wow” Says peter
“I dont like it. Too stuffy.” The three boys stand up. And remus adjusts his collar “Ceramony is in an hour. Im going to go on a walk”
“Do you want us to come with?” Asks James.
“No I just- I need a minute to myself thanks”
“Okay moons, whatever you need we’re here.” Sirius smiles shortly at him.
Remus feels like crying again. He just nods shortly and leaves the house. He walks aimlessly around town for a good fourty minutes when he gets back his aunt, stuffing him and his friends in her small car.
Remus sits at the window seat and sirius sits next to him. Remus feels so anxious like he's on his way to the electric chair. Which he practically is, its killing him to be driving behind the hurse. thats holding his mother.
He couldve seen her earlier in the day when she was at the house. But remus couldnt have brought himself to it.
Remus grabs onto Siriuss hand, and he's sure it's hurting him how tight he's holding on. Sirius just places his other hand ontop of their intertwined hands and rubs the top of remuss hand gently.
He doesnt say anything, which Remus is thankful for , he's not sure he could even register words at this moment.
The car comes to a stop and remus feels himself freeze and everyone around him instantly starts moving to leave.
“Remus?” Sirius questions trying to free his hand from remuss grasp.
“I just - can i stay here? Just for a moment.”
“Yeah, of coarse. Ill leave you be” Sirius moves his hand away.
“Please stay SIirus. I dont want to be alone right now.”
“Okay. “
Peter and James got stuck helping his aunt marilla bring the baby in and help her pass the ceromony papers around.
“I dont know how to do this”
“Do what?” Asks sirius
“Go in there and act like a normal person”
“You dont have to act like a normal person” Sirius says, smiling small at remus. “You dont have to do anything.”
“She tried to get me ready to be okay with this, She told me to accept it. And i cant. Why cant I?”
“Pete was telling about this thing, called the stages of grief. “
Remus waits for him to go on and explain and when remus doesnt say anything sirius keeps going.
“First theres denial”
Check
“Then there’s anger”
Check, check.
“Bargaining”
Remus isnt sure.
“Depression”
Check.
“Acceptance.”
Oh
“See acceptance comes last, so take as much time as you need moons. “
“But she wanted me-”
SIrius brings Remus into a hug. “Time . Alright? Just take your time” Sirius whispers to him.
Remus sits there not hugging Sirius back. “Okay” he lets out a long, shaky sigh.
“You dont have to do anything, Okay? You dont need to talk or anything.” Sirius grabs remuss hand again.
“Alright” Remus hums. “Alright” He follows Sirius out of the car and onto the Graveyard. The ground is covered in snow, and Remus can see the casket placed in the middle of the crowed of People.
Remus can feel his hands shaking and Siirus just gives his hand a squeeze.
Remus gets pulled by his aunt to stand next to her, SIrius still holding onto his hand, and Remus’s eyes finally meet his mothers dead body that lays in the casket. Shes pale, and her eyes are closed. Someone did her makeup but she still looks like shes dead.
Dead.
Dead , shes dead.
Remus feels vomit come up to his throat and the next thing he knows hes throwing up on his shoes.
Tears are vilointly coming out from his eyes and Remuss face feels like its going to freeze from this January air.
“Oh god, sweet heart. It's okay. okay?”
“No! None of this is fucking okay! Look at her! “ Remus frees his hand from Sirius’s, and everything around him goes silent. “Fucking look at her Marilla, nothing is okay “
“Remus-”
“I know . I know. “ Calm down Remus youre making a scene ’ But it's my mother and you can't tell me to calm down.”
Remus is sobbing at this point, and he's sure his words are coming out hysterical.
“Im not- Im not telling you what to do. You process this however you need to prossed the sweetheart” There's tears rolling down his aunts face.
“You left- When she needed you the most . you left” remus is a hiccuping mess.
“There was nothing I could do remus”
“You couldve stayed!”
“I know. Okay? I know, "she says softly.
Remus doesnt say anything after that, tears keep rolling down his face and he hiccups from time to time.
After the funeral Remus sits on the ground infront of his mothers casket, which has been dropped six feet underground.
People are leaving and remuss friends sit next to him on the ground. Not saying a word.
“Remus” He hears a man behind him say calmly.
“Ill get in the car in a bit, just let me be for a minute” Remus says without looking towards the man.
He doesnt recognize the man behind hims’ voice. But he can tell hes welsh, which is odd because . The only person he knows who’s welsh, Is his father. But- That cant be.
“Remus” The man repeats again and Remus turns around and he instantly feels nauseous again.
Its his father? His father. Lyall Lupin in the flesh. Hes in a black suit.
He looks old.
“Nhad?” Remus says he feels stinging his eyes once more. Remus stands on his feet.
“Fy mab-”
Remus punches him. Again and again.
“Youre son? Im not you fucking son” He punches his fathers chest over again.
“Who do you think you are? “
“Remus-” Lyall grabs his hands to keep Remus from hitting him.
“Who do you think you are?” Remus repeats. He's hysterical. He lets his hands free from his father and smacks him right across the face.
His father smacks him right back. “I wouldve thought hope raised you better that”
He hears his friends stand up, and he feels an arm reaching for remuss hand but Remus pulls away.
“Fuck you, dont you dare talk about my mom you fucking bum” Remus shouts.’
“C’mon moons lets go” Sirius says.
Remus is sobbing again. “Who do you think you are? Showing up here. You dont care about her”
“Remus -”
“Cer i Uffern!” Remus shouts. “Come on let's go” Remus grabs a hold of Sirius hand and the rest of his friends follow along. Leaving his father alone in the graveyard. The father he hasnt seen since he was four. He left him there, with no regret.
“Moons,” Sirius says softly when they reach the car. Sirius pulls him into a hug, and Remus cries into his shoulder, Peter and James join the hug and Remus stands there crying for God only knows how long.