Third year - David Bowie, I love you
Remus Lupin.
Remus has hardly gotten out of bed these past few days. He could care less he’s missing class. He just wants to sink into his bed and never get up.
It’s about midnight , break starts in two days. And Remus doesn’t know that he can make it in this room by himself.
Sirius has been keeping him company when he can since he found out. But for some reason he’s not here with him right now. He’s been sleeping next to him for the past few days.
“Remus?” Sirius whispers. Remus mumbles a hum into his pillow. Sirius opens the curtain
“Sorry, I should go,” Sirius says softly. Remus sticks out his arm to reach out to Sirius. “Please stay”
Remus knows he’ll probably regret being like this in a week's time. But this is the first time in thirteen years he hasn’t wanted to be alone.
“Okay” Sirius gets into bed, sliding himself under the covers.
“Where were you?” Remus questions. He hates himself for sounding so clingy.
He edges away from Sirius looking at him in the dimly lit room. He’s so beautiful. Not that Remus hasn’t noticed before , of course Sirius is beautiful. He has his dark curls, his gray eyes and this way about him that just makes the room go quiet. Why not focus on someone if that someone’s Sirius black
“It’s a surprise.” Sirius answers slyly.
“ I hate surprises “ Remus buries his face into his pillow.
“I know” Sirius pushes Remus’s hair back from his face. Remus feels his stomach twist at his touch.
“Are you alright? You’ve been missing class-“
“I know. I’m fine”
“Remus” Sirius says knowingly .
Of course Remus isn’t alright , he lost his mother. How else is he supposed to feel?
“I know you’re not alright. But you can talk to me.” Sirius suggests.
“I don’t want to talk to you” Remus utters bluntly into the pillow.
“Alright,” Sirius says softly. “You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to” Sirius adjusts himself to lay more comfortably.
“Thank you,” Remus says softly . He moves his face from the pillow so he can look at Sirius once more before he falls asleep.
Sirius looks into his eyes. His eyes are so focused on his Remus feels like she’s looking into his soul. He smiles lightly in response to Remus’s ‘thank you’ before Remus falls asleep
***
Remus wakes up, his arm is around Sirius’s waist and his head is on his chest. Sirius’s arms are wrapped around Remus’s shoulders. He feels his chest instantly tense up, and he lets go of Sirius’s arms . He gets up from his bed, everyone else is still asleep. He looks at the clock hanging on their wall reading five thirty two. He sighs to himself and walks to the bathroom locking himself in.
He looks in the mirror and can hardly recognize himself. Is this really the body I live in?
Remus hasn’t really grasped onto the idea of his mother being dead, he knows she is. Right? But it doesn’t feel real, he feels his heart missing a part from his chest. But he can hardly believe it.
He’s hardly gotten up these past few days. His hair is a mess and his clothes are wrinkled. He’s so tired.
A full moon just a week and a half away and Remus can already feel it creeping up on him. Maybe it’s the stress . His body aches and his head is pounding in his head.
Maybe he can just bear with it. Or maybe he should just go to the infirmary and drown himself in pain relievers.
Yeah , that sounds like a good plan.
Remus puts on his bunny slippers , and couldn't care that he looks like a mess.
He gets to infirmary, and he looks around the empty room for poppy. She’s not here yet.
Remus sits on one of the beds and waits for Poppy to come. He lays back and stares at the ceiling, his eyes are heavy, and he feels like crying but he has no more tears left to give.
He feels himself drift to sleep before he hears the clicks of someone’s shoes on the floor.
“Remus?” Remus jolts up. It’s Poppy.
“Oh sweetheart. Are you alright?” Her face is grim.
He quints at her for a moment. “Yeah . Can I get a healing potion, my head has been fucking killing me”
“Yes, of course. One moment.” She goes to the potions cabinet. Poppy grabs a healing potion and makes her way to Remus. She sits on the edge of the bed and hands it to him
Remus shoots down the potion down his throat, burning the walls of his chest. Remusss tongue goes numb for a moment.
Nope, never getting used to that.
“Minnie tells me you haven’t been going to class” poppy starts
Remus looks away from her.
“I know it’s hard, I just want you to know you don’t have to worry. Take as much time as you need to get back on your feet, I understand.”
“How could you possibly understand?” Remus mutters, his throat raw from the potion still.
“When I lost my mother I could hardly get out of bed for weeks”
“You’ve lost your mum?”
Poppy nods a short frown on her lips.
“When I was fifteen. She had breast cancer.”
“Oh” Remus feels his stomach twist up and his eyes sting with tears again.
“Can I give you a hug?” Poppy asks.
Remus nods and poppy leans forward and wraps Remus in a hug. Remus does the same wrapping his arms so tightly around her he’s sure it hurts..
Remus, let's go soon after. “I’m going to go to breakfast “ he says
“Okay that sounds good” she let’s go as well.
Remus gets up from the bed. “Thank you ”
He heads to the great hall and there’s hardly anyone there yet. Remus sits down at Gryffindor and piles eggs and bacon onto his plate.
He eats by himself for a moment before he hears his name. Remus turns to see Sirius running towards him.
Jesus .
“Moons , Merlin’s beard you had me worried I couldn’t find you. Oh, you're eating well. That’s good” Sirius is out of breath and Remus finds a bit of amusement in his formality at the moment
Remus smiles slightly and Sirius smiles back.
“I’m glad you're up” Sirius sits down next to Remus.
“Yeah, hard to stay in a room all day next to you” Remus teases.
Sirius frowned slightly at Remus. “Sorry, I can stay away . I just thought that you-” Sirius starts rambling before he stops him
“I’m kidding.” Remus interrupts, he laughs lightly.
Sirius’s frown washes away. “Oh”
“Honestly thank you. It means a lot to me” Remus says quietly.
Sirius smiles, his face slightly turning red. Remus feels his chest tighten and he turns back to his breakfast .
***
The next day
It’s the morning before Christmas break starts and Remus can’t tell if he’s waiting to be alone. or dreading it.
“Are you sure you’re going to be alright?” Sirius asks, he’s laying next to him and Remus is a few inches away.
“Yeah,. Honestly you don’t have to worry I’m fine”
Sirius squints at Remus. He knows Sirius can see right through his lie.
Remus sits up. “I’d start getting ready or your going to miss the train”
“Wouldn’t be the end of the world” sirius mumbles.
Remus looks back at Sirius who’s picking at his forehead. Scratching at old scabs he’s left from his constant picking.
“Are you going to be alright?” Remus doesn’t like how talkative he's been as of late but Sirius seems to bring that out of him.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“We’ll your family” Remus suggests
“You don’t know what my family’s like,” Sirius spits back.
“Right”
“Sorry I don’t mean to snap at you” Sirius sighs,
“I know”
Sirius sits up as well. “I don’t want to talk about them”
“I know”
Sirius leans his head on Remus’s shoulder. “I’m going to miss you , moons”
“It’s only two weeks” Remus laughs lightly
“I know, “ Sirius adds. “I don’t want to go” he whispers softly.
“I know, “ Remus whispers.
“Rise and shine!” James says to Peter.
“Cork it James” Peter groans,
“Oh come on. I’m not even waking you up early, it's eight.”
“Shove off” Peter says, muffled into his pillow.
Sirius huffs a laugh. And so does Remus. Sirius gets up and starts getting ready.
Remus opens his bed curtain and sees the three of his friends getting ready.
“Moony!” James exclaims. “Hi”
Remus knows no one’s hardly seen him since he’s found out about his mother, and he feels sorta bad about not talking to James or Peter this past week.
“Hi” Remus smiles.
Peter pokes his head up to look at remus. “Hiya moony. “
“Hi”
The boys get dressed and Remus can feel his stomach tied up. The closer they get to leaving.
“Alright” James huffs. “Now you two better have everything you need packed because I don’t want to hear it on the train how you forgot your left shoe”
“Yeah whatever mum” Sirius rolls his eyes.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me. I’m serious “
“No i'm pretty sure I am” Sirius laughs
James glares at him.
“Alright fine. Fine. I’ll double check”
“Good”
Remus sits on his bed as he watches Sirius open up his suitcase again to account for all of his things.”
“Moony. I know you don’t like surprises but I have a surprise for you” Peter says grabbing something from under his bed.
“What is it?” Remus questions.
“It’s a surprise. Hey James . Surprise ?”
“Right!” James stumbles around. He grabs something from under his bed, it’s a big box wrapped in wrapping paper as well. With a smaller box on top The two walk over to Remus’s bed and Sirius stands at his own bed with his arms crossed.
Peter hands Remus something, it’s wrapped in striped printed wrapping paper. “You didn’t have to get me anything “
“I know, but I wanted to “
Remus opens and the first thing he sees is the album cover of ‘The rise and fall of ziggy stardust and the spiders from mars’. And under it is ‘the man who sold the world ‘ , ‘space oddity’ and ‘pin ups’ and ‘Aladdin Sane’
Remus feels his heart stop. “Oh my god” he stands up the five albums in hand.
“Oh my god, oh my god”
“You said that,” Peter snorts a laugh.
“Oh my god” Remus repeats. “Oh my god I can't believe it.”
James laughs. “That’s not all you still need to open the one I got you” Jamespasses him the bug box and Remus basically falls over from the heaviness.
“Jesus what the hell is this”
“Open it” he shrugs.
Remus pleases it on his bed and rips open the wrapping paper of the smaller box and his eyes meet a white cassette player , a hunky dory cassette and headphones.
David Bowie. I love you
“I thought you might want to listen to music in the library and such.
“I love it thank you James “
“Open the other one “
Remus feels his chest tighten anxiously as he opens the next gift . It’s a black and blue record player.
“I know you have one at home but I saw this at the record store and thought you might want one here . Also this was little biased because I was sick of you and Sirius wanting to play two different albums at time”
Sirius huffs a laugh.
“Thanks James , thanks Peter. You really didn’t have to”
“Sirius has a surprise too!” Peter adds . Sirius immediately tenses up
“It’s nothing special really, it doesn’t matter “ he waves them off.
“Come on its great” James affirms.
“Fine, it’s stupid though “ Sirius grabs a big bag from under his bed and walks to Remus.
“Sorry it’s not a record of anything special, moons” he sighs.
“Y’know I’m not the materialistic kind Sirius “ Remus huffs a laugh “plus I did not get you all anything so I should be the one that’s sorry”
“No it’s fine really, you're the gift that keeps on giving all year round moony” James says warmly. He pats Remus’s shoulder.
“That was stupid cheesy James”
James huffs a laugh “I know”
Remus opens the bag and it’s filled to the brim In chocolate bars. “Oh my god. “
“I know how much you like chocolate. Hardly Christmas worthy though-“ Sirius insists
“Shut up. I love it.”
“I love you guys”
Is that the first time I’ve said that?l
No that can’t be. Remus has never been able to say those words out loud . He’s said it in his head loads of times, but never had he been able to speak it aloud.
Remus feels his chest instantly tighten “I mean-“
“Nope . No take backs Remus Lupin.” Sirius interrupts
“He loves us” James brings his hand to his chest.
“I fucking knew it, Remus you old softy.” Peter adds
“Alright alright. No need to make a deal of it” Remus feels his chest tighten,
“We love you too moons” Sirius smiles ear to ear.
Remus drops the bag of chocolates to the ground bringing all three of them into a hug. “Thank you. All of you”
Remus hates how sappy he’s being right now, and for that he blames the moon.
***
About an hour later.
“Bye moony” James brings him into a hug. “I’ll write “
“I’m sure you will, James” he hugs him back.
James releases from the hug. “Love you moony” he kisses his cheek .
“Yeah I know”
“Alright James stop kissing him it’s my turn” Peter says. James scoots away.
Peter hugs Remus. “ I’ll write too. But mine will be easier to read because I write better then James”
“Not true!” James whines. “Stop making fun of my writing pete”
“Fine,” Peter yells back at him. He pulls away from the hug. “And I kiss better than James” Peter whispers l he kisses Remus’s cheek as well.
“Hm” remus hums. “Maybe” he smiles
“Love you Remus” Peter grabs his bag.
“Sirius I’m giving you-“ James checks the clock on the wall “four minutes.”
“Alright alright.
“Bud moony love you” James calls as he and Peter leave.
Sirius steps in front of remus. He's frowning slightly.
“Don’t frown at me like that” Remus whispers.
“Will it make you make me stay? Because if so I’ll keep frowning”
“Aren't you going to go to James’s? That’ll be a lot more fun then rotting in here with me”
“But going with James includes spending time with my family” Sirius groans.
“I know. Look it’s only two weeks”
Sirius dims down at the sentence.
“I know,” he sighs.
“You’ll be alright. Right?”
“Yeah, don’t worry about me” Sirius perks up and Remus can tell it’s an act.
Remus sighs and brings Sirius into a hug. Sirius deflates into the hug, wrapping his arms so tightly around Remus he can hardly breathe.
“Be safe. please” Remus whispers.
“Okay.” Sirius whispers back.
Remus pulls away. Sirius holds his hands behind his back and kisses Remus’s cheek . “We all know I’m the best kisser”
“Sure” Remus smiles.
“Fuck yeah. I Knew it” he grins.
“Bye sirius”
“Bye moons” he frowns slightly again .
Remus would ask him to stay if he knew that wouldn’t get Sirius in trouble back if he did stay. He wants him to stay here with him for all eternity. Because he’d rather feel the constant twist in his stomach he has around sirius, then the emptiness in his chest when he's gone
Sirius hugs Remus once more. “I’ll write “ he whispers
“Okay “ Remus responds softly. “Merry Christmas Sirius”
“Merry Christmas moons,” he adds.
“Bye” Sirius pulls away.
“Bye “ Remus repeats. Sirius grabs his back, the dull look on his face makes Remus want to kidnap him and keep him here.
Sirius gets to the door and waves by to Remus. Remus sticks his hand up to wave back and Sirius is already out the door as he does.
Sirius is gone and Remus feels that emptiness in his chest once more.