Remus hugged Sirius with the passion of a what seemed to be a goodbye and without warning he shoved Sirius inside the cage at Grimmauld place. The same cage that his parents would use as a punishment during his childhood years when Sirius misbehaved or simply breathed. He lost his balanced and fell to the floor, the cold marble burned his skin from the temperature and cruel memories. Sirius forced his breathing to steady and his mind to focus on only what was in front of him. Slowly he pushed himself to stand upright, his legs shaking from the ghost of Walburga Black. The silver rods that surrounded him and the screams of his past consumed his thoughts and suffocated his brain. Sirius had almost felt himself breakdown, but then he heard the click of the latch. Shock entered his body, his limbs went rigid, and he turned around as fast as his body would allow him.
“Moony what are you doing?” Sirius was looking directly into Remus’s deep apologetic eyes which revealed a glossy sheath covering them. If Sirius looked close enough into Remus’s eyes, he could almost see the reflection of his own pathetic body within the cage “Open the door.” Fear instilled into his mind, fear of the outcome and the cage itself.
“I can’t.” Remus whispered out looking down in shame or forgiveness, Sirius always had a hard time differentiating the two. But he knew one thing, he would never forgive Remus if he went through with this. Sirius’s gripped the bars that were keeping him trapped within the cage to steady himself. The irony of this situation crossed his mind, once again Peter was free and destroying the only people Sirius holds dear while he is trapped in a prison.
“This isn’t a joke Remus; Peter is out there!” Sirius’s voice was getting louder with every word. Remus turned his body and began to walk away without explaining why he left him in the one place where his childhood trauma stemmed from, “Remus think about what you're doing, please open the door.” Sirius begged, Remus’s body stopped, with his head sunk low, he slowly turned around to face him, but he wasn’t really looking at Sirius.
“I'm sorry, but you're being too reckless. You're going into trouble headfirst without back-up, you constantly compromise the missions. You're a danger to everyone and yourself.” Remus was quivering and still not meeting Sirius’s eyes.
“This is Lily and James were talking about, he killed them, he let me rot in Azkaban for 12 years. Remus please… please don’t lock me in here, I have to do this, you know I have t—”
“I'm doing this for you.” Remus finally screamed out looking Sirius in the eye.
“You're not doing this for me, you're doing this for yourself. Moony please, please don’t this to me,” tears started streaming from Sirius’s face, unwilling to stop. This is the first time Sirius allowed himself to cry ever since he escaped Azkaban, the shock of finally seeing Remus and Harry was too much to bear, and it made him numb. Numb to all the feelings that came his way, he made sure to keep all the people in his life that would make him feel something again at a distance. Sirius enjoyed the feeling of constant numbness; it was better than the pain and agony that came with the fact that Peter was still helping Voldemort and James and Lily were dead because him. Throughout the twelve years of being tortured in Azkaban Sirius forced himself build walls, walls that have not been torn down and hopefully never will.
“I really am sorry Padfoot, I never wanted to hurt you like this, but this is for your own safety and the safety of the order. I promise you; I will personally catch Peter and bring him to you myself.” Remus paused, a flow of tears breaching his calm façade. “Peter will not continue to be free, and I will fight to my last breath before I break this promise to you.” Sirius could see a flicker of emotion in Remus’s eyes, a tell tale that this was hurting Remus to do; Sirius didn’t care if this was bringing him pain, Sirius wanted to inflict more anguish.
“If you do this, Remus, I will never speak to you again. You would be dead to me, do you understand. If the order doesn’t catch Peter because you locked me in here, it would probably be best if you were actually dead too!” Sirius voice scratched with a crescendo. He could see the raise in Remus’s eyebrows suggesting the pain he probably felt, but just as fast as the expression of agony appeared, Remus’s face returned to his calm and determined presence. It would be difficult to say that Sirius wasn’t proud, because he was, he was proud that he caused a sense of dread within Remus. Other than his eyebrows, Remus’s face did not change. He only nodded his head and turned away from Sirius.
“Goodbye Black.” Remus spoke softly, Sirius could hear the pain in his tone, the one thing that Remus Lupin could never disguise was his voice.
“Screw you Lupin… screw you!” Sirius shouted at the figure in front of him, Remus was slowly getting farther and farther until he was gone. The echoes of Sirius’s screams reverberated back to him. Accepting he was alone; Sirius fell to the floor just as he did when he was a child. In here, there was no escape, only waiting for someone to return to open the latch. During his childhood, the waiting could take days, only living off the crumbs that Regulus would sneak for him. The difference between this prison and Azkaban was that Sirius always knew that he could escape Azkaban. He just chose not to, maybe he felt as though he deserved to suffer for the devastation he had caused or maybe he was too scared to come back to a world where James Potter didn’t exist. Either way, it was his choice not to break out, but here, the only way you can escape is if you die. And God be damned if Sirius was going to die before Peter was killed by his own hand.
Seconds became minutes, and minutes became hours. The only breathing Sirius could hear was his own. He did all he can to pass the time, Sirius counted the splatters of dried blood on the floor that haven’t been cleaned up since he was a kid. The memories of him being locked in this cage after his mother would use the diffindo charm on him. The precise cuts she would make would be just enough to injure Sirius but not enough to kill him, sometimes he would wish she would make the wrong move so he can be free of this life. When he met James and Remus that had all changed. Sirius finally had something to look forward too and now that was gone. His entire life has been a void of unhappiness, the moments he spent with James made it all worse. Sometimes Sirius wondered if he should just forget, obliviate the memories of James and Lily from his mind so he can move on, but Sirius would go through this pain a thousand times over just to remember the small moments he had shared with James. The nights he and Remus would stay up laughing for hours from the lamest jokes. The talks he had with Lily when he was too stubborn for his own good and she was the only one who could break some sense into him.
A sudden crack broke Sirius out of his thoughts, he instantly stood searching for Remus or the traitor. There was no sight of either of them, Kingsley appeared from the hallway looking worn down. His eyes were sunken in more than usual, his dark skin looking grayer than before. Sirius knew that these missions take a lot out of a person, but this was more than that. Kingsley stared directly into Sirius’s eyes then suddenly tried to leave.
“Let me out of here,” Sirius called out; Kingsley halted, “did you catch Peter, where is he.” Kingsley’s eyes were red.
“No.” Kingsley said barely above a whisper, Sirius was practically fuming at the ears from the frustrations and the what ifs. If he had been there would there be a different outcome? Could he have been the one to finally catch the little traitor? This was all Remus’s fault, if he didn’t lock Sirius in, maybe he could have been the one to end that little rat’s life. The frustration was far too much Sirius, he was practically blinded by rage. Sirius started punching the bars enclosing him in a confined space, he kept beating the rails until there was new blood on top of his old splatters. Kingsley let Sirius to take his anger out on the metal until he calmed down.
“Where is Remus.” Sirius hung his head in shame for allowing someone see him during his fit of anger. As soon as Sirius said those three words, the atmosphere around him had changed. The room got darker, the air got heavier, the walls got smaller. Kingsley looked at him with a blank stare, as if he was walking on eggshells around Sirius. “Kingsley where is Remus.”
“Sirius…” Kingsley began speaking apologetically but all the noise surrounding Sirius muffled, his eyes unfocused from Kingsley and he stared directly at the wall behind the other man. The way he said Sirius’s name would have sent him into a spiral, but Sirius didn’t feel anything. he looked more tranquil than he had ever been before, he doesn’t even want revenge, Sirius just wants to go home.
“Who?” Sirius cut off Kingsley. Kingsley was startled by the conviction of his tone.
“What?”
“Who did it?” Sirius’s voice had been monotoned, as if another being had taken control of his body.
“Pettigrew.” Kingsley stated in a matter of fact. That’s why Sirius always liked Kingsley, he never sugar coated the facts. Sirius didn’t react to the news, he just continued to stare at the wall where his mother’s portrait had previously been, if he listened close enough, he could almost hear her laughing. Now more than ever, Sirius wished his mother would come back and finish the job just so he can see his family again, his home.
The worst part of this entire nightmare was the fact that one of the last things Sirius said to Remus was that he should die, and now it had come true. It was Sirius’s fault, all the deaths of the people he loved were his fault… Regulus, Marlene, Dorcas, James, Lily, and now Remus. Sirius hadn’t even noticed Kingsley unlock the latch, he just stood in the cage, his feet unwilling to move. If Remus had let him go, would he still be alive, or would the outcome not change at all? If Sirius had not forced Remus to make that stupid promise, would he be here to unlock Sirius out of the cage himself? The unanswered questions were quickly eating away Sirius’s soul, neither Remus nor Sirius were perfect, but Remus was probably the closest person to come close to true perfection. You can say what you want about Remus Lupin, but at least he always follows through on his promises.