Marlene’s breath was hitched and time was slowed. She knew it was ridiculous of her to feel like this. It was such a normal thing but somehow it just always made her lose her mind. Dorcas Meadowes putting on lip balm was always the highlight of Marlene’s day. Dorcas’ lip balm was cherry flavoured and tinted pink. Whenever she would put on her lip balm she would heavily apply it to her lower lip only, so she could afterwards spread it out with her finger. It was the spreading of the lip balm that would make Marlene’s breath hitch and slow down time. Dorcas’ lips would stretch slightly only to pop back out to form her full and lush lips, it made Marlene’s knees feel like jelly and thoughts of what it would be like to be kissed by Dorcas flooded her mind. How soft her lips would be, how they would feel on hers and how the kisses would taste of cherry. At the end, Dorcas would always look directly into Marlene’s eyes and smile like she knew that Marlene had observed her. Like she did it on purpose. And for the rest of the day, Marlene’s mind would only be filled with thoughts of cherry kisses.
Marlene quickly turned her attention to the notebook in front of her, unable to maintain eye contact with Dorcas any longer, and returned to furiously doodling flowers in her notebook. This (being Marlene’s hopeless crush on Dorcas) was becoming unbearable.
“Are we going to that party tonight?” Mary asked in a hushed voice, taking the imaginary attention off Marlene.
“Which one?” Lily responded in a whisper, not even taking her eyes off her books.
“The one what's-his-name is throwing…” Mary was gesturing wildly with her hand as she whispered, “you know, the bloke with the blonde hair, sounds like Goldilocks…”
Dorcas wheezed out a laugh, “You mean Gilderoy?”
“YES!” Mary exclaimed loudly, earning them displeased looks from the other students in the study hall.
“Sure, I’ll go,” Dorcas whispered, a wide smile on her lips, leaning over the table to get closer to the others.
“Lils?” Mary prompted.
“If you can manage to keep it shut for the next hour, then yes, I'll come.”
Looking triumphed as ever, Mary turned her attention to Marlene, propping up an eyebrow in question.
Marlene let her eyes meet Dorcas’ for a moment before saying; “what the hell, why not? It’s been ages since we last got proper pissed.”
______
Marlene was sitting on the plush bed in Mary’s room, watching as her friend tried on dresses and giving her half-hearted advice as to what Mary should wear. But she didn’t really care. Her mind was occupied with all the worries that had escaped her when she agreed to go to the party. When she had been all too happy at the prospect of going to a party with Dorcas. But now, as she was sitting here no longer distracted by Dorcas, it all came like a flood, occupying her mind.
“Marls? Are you even listening?” Mary said, looking at her expectantly.
“Yeah, no… Sorry, what did you say?”
“What do you think about this?” Mary held out her arms and spun around on the spot, showing off a short dress made from large purple sequins. “I would wear it with the white pumps.”
“I think it looks great,” Marlene answered.
“You do?”
“Yeah, it will be impossible for anyone to keep their eyes off you.” Though Marlene didn’t answer with much gusto she meant it. It did look really, really good, but then again it was hard for anything to look bad on Mary. She was effortlessly beautiful with her deep skin and long braids. She could show up wearing a dishrag and a belt and it would be called couture. She has the definition of fashionable
“Why, thank you,” Mary answered with a smile and leaned into the mirror as she applied a deep red lipstick.
Marlene herself was anything but fashionable. The many years of wearing a school uniform had stilted her imagination when it came to fashion, always just wearing a black shirt and trousers with a jacket. Tonight was no different, only her usual denim jacket switched out with a blazer.
“So, what’s on your mind?” Mary asked as she fell back on the bed to lay next to Marlene.
“Nothing.”
“Oh please, I haven't known you for this long to not be able to know when you're stuck in there.” Mary softly knocked twice on Marlene’s forehead. “You haven’t been here all night.”
Marlene let out a frustrated groan, “it’s just… I should have said no to coming. I can’t deal with it.”
“Because of Dorcas?”
“What? How do you know that?” Marlene’s voice came out panicked and high pitched.
“Again, I haven't known you this long to not be able to know when you’re crushing on someone.”
Marlene let herself fall back on the bed, laying down beside Mary. “It’s horrible.”
“Why? You would be great together.”
“Yeah, well Dorcas isn’t interested in me. Or relationships in general.”
Mary grabbed Marlene’s hand, drawing soft circles with her thumb.“How do you know that?”
“Please” Marlene whined. “She’s said it, multiple times. She doesn’t do relationships and even if she did I wouldn't be her type.”
“That’s not true! Dorcas could totally be into you!”
“Then why hasn’t she made a move?”
“Why haven’t you?” Mary shrieked.
“Because she’s always busy with someone else.”
“I think you’re being dumb. You should tell her and then perhaps you would see what I see.”
“What do you see?”
“I see two oblivious idiots who are clearly crushing on each other but are afraid to do anything about it.” Marlene let out a deep sigh. Even if Mary was right and Dorcas was ‘crushing’ on her it didn’t matter. Marlene didn't have a crush on Dorcas. She was in love with her and she didn’t want to ruin their friendship with expectations and wants. She was perfectly fine having to watch Dorcas with other people, no matter how much it hurt, if it meant having Dorcas in her life. That was fine. That was enough. It would have to be enough.
“Fuck it. Let’s get drunk.” Marlene said and pushed herself up from the bed before dragging Mary up who let out a giggle. “I’ve got you and what else does a gal need? Power to the pussy and what not!”
Mary snorted a laugh, “I’m pretty sure Dorcas has one of those too, but alright.”
“Oh shut it.” Marlene laughed, doing her best to disguise the pang she felt at the mention of Dorcas. Tonight was not going to be good.
______
Marlene and Mary stumbled into the party three hours after it had started, making several stops at pubs on the way to combat the chilly April night with alcohol. Mary never allowed the cold to ruin a good party outfit with a big jacket, so warming up with drinks on the way was a must. And well who was Marlene to deny her?
So when they came through the door the party was already well on its way. The makeshift dance floor had opened up as the alcohol levels in people climbed. The flat was stuffed with more people than what would be reasonable. Mary and Marlene stumbled their way to a large pile of jackets and bags, giggled and yelled sorry’s to every person they were pushed into. Marlene, too drunk to stop herself, scanned the room trying to get her eyes on Dorcas, but it was impossible. She was nowhere to be seen. Trying to will herself not to think about the other woman, she returned her attention to Mary who was asking if they should find the kitchen to get a drink.
The kitchen was a tiny little thing only a couple of metres of floor to move around on, but well that wasn’t important, the important thing was the kitchen counter which was filled with the bottles people had brought, cut up slices of lime and halfway molten ice cubes. By the look of it, they had run out of mixers, which was fine by Marlene who always preferred shots, swearing that the sugar or bubbles in any mixer would make you far more sick than the alcohol.
Mary held out a bottle, “gin?”
“Aww, you do know me!” Marlene said in mock excitement and found two plastic cups and held them out for Mary to pour a generous amount of gin in. She didn’t disappoint. Marlene handed Mary her glass and they clinked their glasses together, before knocking back their gin. Mary gagged slightly on her gin whereas Marlene just let out a low ‘ahh’ sound as the gin burned down her throat.
“Another?” Marlene asked, but was already pouring another before Mary could answer. That too went down with much of the same reactions.
“I think I’m going to go look for Lils,” Mary said. Marlene just nodded and watched as her best friend left the kitchen, knocking down another shot before deciding to go look for Dorcas.
Marlene was stopped multiple times by people she faintly knew from her classes, all too eager to talk to her now, but she was a woman on a mission and brushed them off, her eyes constantly scanning the room for Dorcas.
When Marlene finally did get her eyes on Dorcas it was as if the wind got knocked out of her. Dorcas looked out of this earth. She looked angelical, goddess-like. She had put gold-looking stars throughout her afro and decorated her deep skin with intricate golden lines. It was striking to see, drawing attention to her beautiful brown eyes. As Marlene got closer she noticed that Dorcas decorated her cheekbones with small stars too. She was shining. If it was just something Marlene imagined or if it was a mix of sweat and glitter, she didn’t know but it was fucking marvellous. It was incredible to watch. Dorcas was wearing a sheer midnight blue dress with gold flecks in it, a silk slip underneath. Marlene felt her mouth get dry as she felt her senses exploding with Dorcas. She was the night sky. She was the vast universe and all its stars. Dorcas was everything there was and everything there ever would be.
Marlene thought for a second that Dorcas had noticed her when she saw her smile, but with a gust of wind, a woman ran past Marlene and straight to Dorcas. The two women hugged and Marlene was sure something broke inside her. She knew it was so dumb of her but she kept hoping. She kept hoping that Dorcas would see her and push the other woman to the side and run to her. That she would smile just as big when she saw Marlene. That it was Marlene who made her happy. But it never was and she was the dumb one for hoping. She was the foolish twat who fell in love with one of her best friends.
Marlene turned around on her heel and stomped back to the kitchen, unceremoniously shoving people out of her way with her shoulder. Marlene grabbed one of the clear plastic cups, pouring a few shots worth of gin. With a deep breath beforehand, she knocked back the gin. She pinched her eyes closed and pressed her lips shut, trying to will the gin not to burn. When the worst was over she poured another and repeated the process. Twice.
Marlene felt her head spinning and grabbed onto the countertop in an attempt to steady herself. The last one had probably been a mistake in her already inebriated state. But what the fuck? This was a party, wasn't it?
“You alright there?” A man with red hair asked.
Marlene snapped her head around to look at him, but she didn’t recognise him. “I’m fine,” Marlene said, her voice strained.
The man hummed and fished out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and held it out. “Wanna join me for a smoke?”
Marlene sniffed and nodded, before following the man out to the small patio. It was a small thing, only a few chairs out there. But much like the flat, it was full of people. Marlene let out a short breath and scrunched up her mouth, as she scanned for a place where they could stand in peace.
“Want to go out on the street instead?” She asked.
“Lead the way.”
They made their way onto the street, the only other people there being a couple who were dry humping each other a bit away. They sat down on the curb and the man passed Marlene a cigarette and lighter, after having lit his own.
“What’s your name?” she asked after her first drag. Marlene didn’t smoke a lot anymore, mostly at parties or when she was stressed, but goddamn she missed it.
“Fabian, and you?”
“Marlene.”
“Well Marlene, what brings you to be smoking with a stranger at this fine party?”
Marlene let out a laugh at Fabian’s wording. Perhaps it was the alcohol making Marlene’s mouth smooth or the safety of knowing she would probably never see this man again, which one she didn’t know, but she told him; “Oh you know, just the breaking of my heart having to see the woman I love with someone else.”
“Ah, I see I'm not the only one.”
Marlene let out a snort of a laugh and shook her head. “Well aren’t we pathetic?”
The two of them fell into silence, the only sounds being the muffled music from the party and the cigarette papers burning with their every drag.
Fabian offered Marlene a cigarette more as she flicked away the bud of her first and watched it shoot through the air and skip on the ground before rolling under a parked car. Marlene graciously accepted the new cigarette, her fingertips bussing with the nicotine.
“Why don’t we do something about it?” Fabian said out of the blue.
Marlene furrowed her brows and looked at the man beside her. “About what?”
“About love, you know?” Fabian said it with a sigh like this was his big profound moment where the puzzle of the universe finally got completed. “We should just tell them. Go up to them and just say it. I love you. I love you.” Marlene didn’t know if Fabian was talking to her or himself at this point, but it seemed to be the latter as he abruptly stood up, throwing his mostly unsmoked cigarette on the ground before stepping on it. “I’m going to do it. You should too.” He said before turning around and quickly making his way back into the party, leaving Marlene alone with only her thoughts.
Perhaps it was that simple. Perhaps she should say fuck the consequences and just tell Dorcas how she felt. What was the worst thing that could happen? Marlene let out a groan and laid down on the ground, she knew the worst thing that could happen, but perhaps Fabian was right. Perhaps…
Marlene eventually found her way back into the party as the alcohol no longer protected her from the cold. She needed more and it didn’t help her to mope around. She should dance. She should laugh. She should have fun. Those weren’t things reserved for Dorcas. No, she could have fun if she wanted. Marlene threw back two shots more and found her way to the dancefloor where Dorcas was swaying her hips in front of the woman from before. It was horrible. Horribly sexy and undeniably something that Marlene had imagined Dorcas would have done with her since they met. Marlene joined Mary and Lily on the dancefloor, interrupting the very clear eye-fucking that was happening between them, but they could be mad about that tomorrow, right now it was Marlene who was angry. Or was it jealousy? She wasn’t sure. Her mind felt muddled. But Marlene kept her eyes planted on Dorcas as she danced, trying to imitate her movements. But whereas Dorcas' movements were fluid and looked natural, Marlene’s were rigid and looked forced. It was horrible. But with her hands balled into fists, she kept dancing, not removing her eyes from Dorcas even for a second. Fabian's words bounced around her head. Go up to them and just say it. I’m going to do it. You should too.
Dorcas leaned her head back on the other woman's shoulder and laughed as something was whispered in her ear. Marlene couldn’t believe what she was watching unfold in front of her. Dorcas turned around and placed a soft kiss on the woman's lips before taking her hand and beginning to lead her off the dancefloor.
“DORCAS!” Marlene had yelled before she even knew it.
Dorcas sent Marlene a pained smile but continued on her way, but she didn’t get far before Marlene had taken four long straits, now standing in front of the two women. Go up to them and just say it. Tell her, TELL HER.
“Hi, Marle––”
“You can’t go with her.”
Dorcas’ brows furrowed and her eyes crinkled in confusion.“What?”
“You can't go with her.”
Dorcas let out a harsh breath of air, “why not?”
“Because it’s not fair!”
“What the fuck are you on about?” She let out a short, unamused, laugh as she said it.
“It’s not bloody fair that you get shag anybody you want and I have to stand there and watch it happen!” Marlene all but practically yelled.
Dorcas shook her head, the look in her normally so soft and kind eyes, now replaced with harsh coldness. “Marls, I don’t know what you think this is–”, she said and gestured between them, “–or what you think I owe you, but I can tell you that it’s absolutely fucking nothing.” Her voice was a whisper, a hiss really, only audible to Marlene.
Marlene felt the pressure build in her chest and all she wanted was for Dorcas to agree and not go with that woman. It would fix everything. It would make everything easy. “Please don’t do it, Dorcs…”
“Give me one good reason, one actual good reason, that isn’t just you being a prick.”
Marlene’s head was spinning, everything was coming out wrong and nothing was right. And before she even knew it the words were tumbling out her mouth, just fighting to be heard. “ Becauseiminlovewithyou …”
“What?”
Marlene took a deep breath and looked Dorcas in the eyes, “because I am in love with you.” She said it loud and clear this time. There was no mistaking it, not even with the loud music playing.
Dorcas let out a startled laugh, “you talk about fair and then you pull this shit? That’s not fair, Marlene. You’re such a selfish fucking cunt! You can’t just tell me you’re in love with me because you don’t like what I’m doing!” Dorcas' voice was getting louder and louder as she spoke, gaining the attention of the people around them.
“Dorcas––”
“NO! Fuck you, Marlene!” she yelled, before pushing her way past, still holding the hand of the other woman.
God, Marlene was so fucking dumb. She knew this would happen. This was why she hadn’t told her, fucking Fabian and his Go up to them and just say it . This was why it was better to leave it be and just be content with being friends. Anything was better than this.
“Marls?” Mary’s voice sounded and soon after Mary and Lily were on either side of her.
“Let’s get out of here, yeah?” Lily said.
“No, no. You guys stay. I’m just going to head home.” Marlene gathered her belongings and rushed out of the flat, practically running the whole way home and burying herself in the sheets of her bed.
FUCK! Marlene let the events settle around her and with one deep breath they started tearing their way through her, coming out as great big sobs and pained whimpers into her pillow.
Marlene had spent the rest of her weekend laying in bed ignoring the texts from her friends, trying to get her to come out of hiding. But she had been too busy replaying the events of Friday night in her head. Replaying how Dorcas had left with that woman to do god knows that… Well, Marlene knew exactly what but she tried to avoid thinking about it. She tried her best to avoid thinking about Dorcas’ lips, the way her hips moved and the heavenly sounds she would be quite capable of making. Instead, Marlene forced herself to think about the way Dorcas’ voice had sounded, how cold and indifferent it had been, how she had sounded annoyed, bordering mad. How stonelike her eyes had been when Marlene had told Dorcas that she was in love with her. Perhaps Marlene imagined that part, but it was better that way. It was best not to linger on the possibilities and details. Dorcas had been perfectly clear. ‘ You’re such a selfish fucking cunt! You can’t just tell me you’re in love with me because you don’t like what I’m doing!’ Dorcas was right. Marlene was a selfish cunt. She should have kept her mouth shut and then everything would have been fine.
But as Monday rolled around and Marlene had to face the music. She couldn’t stay in bed and hide anymore. She had to see her friends. She had to see Dorcas.
Marlene had been lucky enough to miss Dorcas and the others for most of the day, slipping into their lectures after they had begun and left them before they ended, but when two o’clock rolled around, that wasn’t possible anymore. She had to meet up with them in the study hall to work on their projects. Marlene walked there slowly, but when she arrived it was only Lily and Mary who were present.
“Where’s Dorcas?” Marlene asked, in place of a greeting.
Lily let out a sigh, “She didn’t feel like coming.”
“What the hell? She can’t just decide she doesn’t feel like doing work! Call her!” Marlene’s voice was way too loud for the study hall and a few displeased shushings sounded from the other students.
Mary reached out to grab her hand, but Marlene didn’t let her.“Marls, babes. If she doesn’t want to come, then she doesn’t have to come.”
Marlene let out a frustrated sigh and adjusted her bag on her shoulder. “Do you know where she is?”
Lily went to speak but Mary held up a hand, telling her to stop.
“Marls, what are you going to do?” Marlene wanted to yell at Mary for trying to be so calm and collected about it, all she had to do was tell Marlene so she could find Dorcas and… And… Well, it didn’t matter what she wanted to do or say when she found Dorcas all that mattered was that she found her.
“Just tell me, please…” Marlene whispered, looking into the eyes of her best friend. Mary let out a sigh and nodded, “she went to sit by the willow tree.”
“Thanks,” Marlene mumbled before walking out of the study hall with purpose in her step. The anger she felt at herself manifested into anger at Dorcas for not showing up. It wasn’t fair that she could tap out and give up their friendship without even fighting for it. Marlene needed Dorcas to yell at her, to tell Marlene how dumb she had been and to never do something like it again, she needed Dorcas to feel something about her. Even if that was anger.
The five-minute walk out to the big willow tree felt like no time at all. It was placed at the back of the campus, overlooking a pond. It was like something out of a romantic painting and just like Mary had said, Dorcas was there. Leaning up against the tree, a book in her lap.
“Dorcas!” Marlene called out as she was nearing the tree.
Dorcas looked up, her lips slightly parted and eyes wide with surprise, “what are you doing here?” she asked as Marlene reached her.
“I think the real question is why you’re here. We were supposed to meet in the study hall.”
Dorcas let out a harsh breath of air, “did you really think I would be there after the shite you pulled?”
“I hardly think that’s reason enough to blow off Mary and Lily.”
“Oh, yeah like that’s what you care about.”
“Well, why wouldn’t it be?”
“Fuck you, Marlene, I don’t want to have this conversation with you until you realise how childish you’re being!”
“How childish I’m being? Fuck you! I told you I was in love with you and you went off to fuck some girl!”
Dorcas stood up, shoving her book down her bag before linking it over her shoulder, “What else was I supposed to do?”
“NOT FUCK HER!” Marlene roared, finally letting out the hurt she had been feeling.
“I DIDN’T FUCK HER!” Dorcas yelled back, looking surprised at her own volume.
“What!”
“I didn’t fuck her. I just wanted you to think I did.” Dorcas’ voice sounded breathy like it was barely there.
“Why?”
“Because… I––” Dorcas let out a frustrated breath and rubbed her eyes.
“Because, what?” Marlene prompted, feeling her chest getting caught up on hope.
“BECAUSE I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO, MARLENE!” Dorcas yelled and finally met Marlene’s eyes. “I am in love with you, but you’ve never said or done anything, so I just assumed you didn't want me. So what was I supposed to do?” Tears were gathering in Dorcas’ eyes. “And you telling me that you were in love with me is all I've ever wanted, but I wanted you to tell me because it consumed you and not because you got jealous.” Dorcas sounded so sure in the words she said like she had been practising them.
Marlene stepped closer to Dorcas, dropping her bag on the ground. “It does consume me. Every night I lay awake thinking about you and how truly fucking amazing you are. I love you so fucking much, Dorcas.” Marlene took another step toward Dorcas and tenderly grabbed her hands and Marlene felt a rush of relief when Dorcas didn’t pull her hands back. “I was so fucking gone for you the moment we met. I’ve never felt like this about anyone else and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship… I didn’t care if I couldn’t be with you because I just wanted to know you…”
Dorcas let out a sniffle of a laugh, “You’re such a fucking idiot.”
“I know… I think we both were…”
Dorcas nodded, smiling softly, “what do we do now?”
“I don’t know…”
“Will you kiss me?” It was barely audible, but Marlene had been waiting for the words her whole life and she sure as hell wasn’t going to miss them now.
Marlene felt her breath hitch as she nodded and moved closer to Dorcas, closing the gap between them. Marlene placed Dorcas’ hands, which she previously held, on her hips. Marlene's own hands went to find rest on Dorcas’ body, one on her hip, the other on her chin. Marlene slowly closed the gap between their lips, meeting softly in the middle. Marlene's eyes fluttered shut as their lips pressed together. Marlene smiled slightly against Dorcas’ lips. It was heaven. It was everything she had ever dreamed of and more. Fuck, there would be more poetic ways for describing it, but Marlene couldn’t think of any. It was just perfect. She pulled away slightly and asked; “cherry?”
“What?” Dorcas asked, sounding slightly out of breath. Like it had been sucked out of her.
“Your lip balm, is it the cherry one?”
Dorcas nodded slightly and Marlene let out a soft burst of air from her nose, before closing the small gap between them again. Marlene would no longer have to wonder how soft her lips were, how they would feel on her own lips or how the kisses would taste of cherry. She knew now. She knew how it felt and it was like a breath of fresh air. Like she had been struggling for air for years but now that she was suddenly linked together with Dorcas, she could finally breathe.