Regulus had always known that some people don’t get their happy memories and now as he laid submerged in the water of the cave without the strength to fight the clutches of those pulling him under or death pulling him away, the idea that perhaps he’d be one of them crossed his mind. Though the second he completed that thought, it was as if his brain had decided to prove to him, he was wrong. Reminiscing was something far too painful for Regulus to do in life, though now in death he didn’t have it in him to bat away the memories his mind pushed forth.
***
It was October 31st, 1972, he was to start at Hogwarts the next day. Riddled with thoughts of what the next year could bring he felt slight unease. In the moment he huddled beneath the covers of his bed, watching his door in wait for Sirius. This was their routine, Regulus would wait in his room for the moment Sirius could slip away from his and make his way down the hall, both sending silent prayers to whoever may listen he wouldn’t be caught. This was the only time the brothers could really see each other, since Sirius’s sorting Walburga had made a point to separate the two afraid Sirius’s presence may “corrupt their perfect heir.” The door cracks open and he appears, walking over to where Regulus lay. Regulus who notices for the first time the small limp his brother carried himself with, though Siris doesn’t allow him a moment to worry or question as he grins excitedly at his brother claiming a spot beside him.
“First day of Hogwarts Reggie, you excited?” he whispered to the mound of blankets beside him.
“Yeah, more nervous though” he replied as Sirius started attacking the blankets to allow him under them as well and engulfing Regulus in a bear hug.
“I was too but I promise you’ll be a-okay.”
“I hope so”
“I know so and hey, get excited. You can meet James, Pete, and Remus tomorrow!”
Regulus had heard all the stories of Sirius and his friends, particularly of James the boy who became “like a brother” to Sirius he had felt a brief spark of jealousy towards him before Sirius returned home and told him of how excited they all were to meet him the following year. Then the jealousy was wiped out by a fondness for his brother who didn’t forget him as he found his next family.
He was admittedly quite excited at the prospect of meeting Sirius’s friends or “the marauders” as they had called themselves. He gave Sirius a small smile in response letting a small amount of joy towards the next day show.
“we’re going to have such a good year” Sirius muttered. A short time later he dozed off, still with his brother next to him and feeling a lot less weighed down by his nerves.
The second he stepped to platform 9 ¾ the stale, tense air between Walburga, Orion, Sirius, and himself dissipated, at least to Regulus, as the wonderful new environment overtook his senses.
Walburga turned to Regulus placing a hand on his shoulder, her grip far too tight for it to actually be the warm gesture it appeared to be, Regulus knew what it was. It was a warning, confirmed by the words she spoke to him through clenched teeth
“Do this right Regulus, you can’t let us down” the unsaid “like your brother” hung in the air as she sent a sideways glance to Sirius and with a step back and a curt nod from her and Orion the two were off towards the Hogwarts express.
Sirius led Regulus to a compartment where there already sat two boys, one had his nose buried in a book, he had caramel hair, was wearing a woolen jumper he was practically swimming in and had scars littering his face. From the description Sirius had given him he gathered the boy was Remus Lupin, across from him sat who he assumed to be Peter Pettigrew, blonde and busying himself with a small sketch book.
The two looked up as the door opened, smiles growing on both of their faces as they greeted Sirius. Then their eyes landed on Regulus who offered a little wave and smile, unexpectedly he was met with a similar a warm welcome.
“You must be Regulus, I’m Peter” he spoke offering a hand which Regulus shook
From the other seat Remus piped up with a wave “Remus.” Regulus nodded in reply with a tight-lipped smile.
Sirius took a seat besides Remus placing a head next to his shoulder to look at the book in the other’s hands and stretching his legs out in front of him. Regulus awkwardly stood for a moment before claiming a spot next to Peter.
“So, Regulus” Peter began leaning toward him, his brother and Lupin were busy in their own conversation, “first year of Hogwarts how’re we feeling?”
“Honestly, a little sick. Can’t tell if it’s nerves or excitement at this point”
Pettigrew chuckled at this, “yep, been there. Goodluck.”
Regulus’s eyes curiously shifted to the sketch book still open in Peters hands, the other caught this movement and moved the pages so he could see the illustrations inside. Many little scribbled flowers and cats covered the paper.
“I’m no artist I know but it’s a nice little distraction. A hobby if you will, you have any of those?”
“They’re cute, I play a little piano- “
“’a little piano’ he says, Reg here is like a modern age Chopin.” Sirius spoke up, Regulus rolled his eyes looking from his brother to their company.
“He exaggerates” Regulus responds
“Don’t we know it. Quite the drama queen our Sirius.” Came another voice from the doorway. Three heads turned to find James Potter stood there with a grin.
“There’s my Jamesie” Sirius exclaimed, shooting up from his spot and throwing an arm around his friend who laughed alongside him. He greeted the rest with a beaming smile and hellos, scruffing Peters hair and patting Remus’ shoulder. He turned to Regulus smile still so bright the other couldn’t help but return it. “Regulus!” he said taking the space on his other side and slightly nudging his shoulder by way of greeting.
“And you must be James” he said sending back a hesitant nudge.
“The one and only.”
The rest of the commute was full of conversation and laughs, he and Remus got on well sharing a love for reading, Peter was easy to talk to they bounced jabs and commentary off one and other as if they’d been familiar with each other their whole lives, and James, well Regulus couldn’t imagine a person who wouldn’t enjoy the company of Potter. He was lively and joyous, and his energy was infectious. He noticed the way James and Sirius interacted; he saw the brotherly mannerisms. He noticed the fondness they all shared for each other. Not for a moment was the air tense or stale, it was warm and peaceful, and Regulus let himself if only for a second feel at home here.
***
Hogwarts library had become a second home for Regulus, he found comfort and solace in the pages. Whether they be potions books or muggle fiction Remus had allowed him to borrow, he enjoyed those moments.
It was his 3rd year when he gained some company in them. Pandora, a nice Ravenclaw girl with long blond curls and a kind smile, had simply placed herself across from him one day as he was reading. Regulus glanced up from the pages of Little Women to see her there with her own book open Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland the cover read. As he was looking Pandora caught his gaze and smiled pointedly, he met her eyes and quirked an eyebrow in questioning to which she responded with an outstretched hand
“Pandora, nice to meet you” she smiled
He took her hand and replied “uhm, Regulus Black. What brings you here?”
She chuckled at this still leaving Regulus a tad confused “I’m here to read of course, this book is so good. It’s so cool how muggles can create their own magic worlds without living in one.”
“I haven’t read it myself but that sounds pretty cool yeah. And uh I got why you’re here but why are you here, across from me?” he tried not to sound too rude, really, he found he didn’t mind the new company most of his questions came from sheer confusion.
“Oh, I just see you here all the time, figured I’d introduce myself and then I saw you reading Little Women which is one of my all-time favorites and it was only all the more reason. But I can go if you want me to, really, I- “
“No,” he hastily interrupted her as she appeared on her way to leave “sorry, I mean. You really don’t have to; I don’t mind your company. I’d love to hear more about this book your reading, and your thoughts on little women.”
Her smile widened at this and from that moment on, he’d found a wonderful friend in Pandora.
She had attended his quidditch matches, cheering alongside The Marauders and for The Marauders. He had been there listening to every one of the thoughts and tangents she’d had about Xenophilius Lovegood. Sometimes he would join her while she painted in the forgotten little room she’d claimed for her studio. He’d sit at the old piano while she worked. Whenever he did, he would find new canvases covering the walls in new styles she was exploring, it was something enchanting the way her art transformed an old drab room into somewhere one could be comfortably and happily, where someone could enjoy the space around them.
Pandora had been good at that, creating comfortable places.
***
Sinking through the chilling, lonely waters. He missed Pandora, he longed for her company, her smiles, her energy, her companionship. He knew he’d miss it; he knew that even from beyond the grave when feeling was something far gone from him. He’d continue to feel this longing. He already missed her more than he ever thought possible, and she was still yet to know there was something to miss.
His pleaded with his own mind to let him go peacefully, without the taunting comfort of time’s he’ll never see again. Though acting as its own force, his mind would not allow him such courtesy.
***
September 1st, 1977, Regulus wandered onto the Hogwarts Express aimlessly looking through the compartments to find his brother. When he found them, he flew through the door at the same time Sirius bounded toward it pulling him into a tight, safe, embrace.
“I missed you Siri.” he whispered into the hug
“I missed you too Reg.” he replied tacking on as they pulled away “you know the offer to come to the Potters still stands.” He said looking to James for reinforcement who nodded along with Sirius giving Regulus a look that spoke hundreds of words.
The same words he’d heard the night before leaving back for Grimmauld place. The same pleading look, and eyes that held such care for Regulus, more than he thought any one person could harbor for him. Though even though every bone in his body, every nerve, every vessel, every fiber wanted to tell him that yes, he’d go. He never did, he knew he couldn’t.
Nothing had changed since then, as he stood there with his brother and friends and James, he still had to give a sad, sorry, sigh and tell them “You know I can’t”
To which they would all nod equally sad and equally sorry. Before the mood shifted to something lighter and everyone let themselves forget briefly, the reality of their lives.
Sirius was in a similar position to what Regulus had seen him in during his first year. Head resting on Remus’s shoulder looking at the book in his hands though everyone present knew he wasn’t paying any mind to the words. The both of them drifted off to sleep within the first 20 minutes.
“I’d bet you 5 galleons this is the year those two finally get it together and confess or at least shag” Peter whispered to Regulus, looking over at the pair.
“It’d be about due time honestly. I’ve been hearing Sirius’s pining for years, getting a nuisance.” He replied
Peter chuckled replying “Amen to that, I can’t believe you and Potter got together first. Wouldn’t have picked it at all.”
Regulus let out a small, strangled noise and James who had been idly listening from his spot next to him lifted his head to gawk at Peter.
“You, how did you- “James started then moved to look at Regulus questioningly “you told him?”
Still dumbfounded and looking at Peter he replies “I did not, how did you- “
Peter let out a small hearty laugh at the two “Please, you two are not as subtle as you think. Did you seriously think no one would notice you two glancing at each other all lovesick, or the way you would mysteriously slip off from the great hall at the same times. You’re not slick. I don’t think anyone else has noticed though, you’re okay for now.”
Really it shouldn’t have been a shock Peter had figured them out, he was always an observant one sometimes too observant for everyone else’s good. James looked at his friend with an expression that was unplaceable before asking
“And you’re okay with that, with us?”
Peter smiled softly at his friend “Yes James, I’m happy for you.”
Something of relief washed over James and he returned the smile, looking over to Sirius to see him still out cold he threw an arm over Regulus who made himself in the embrace.
“Either way, I’m not exactly the one you need to be worrying about here.” He joked lightly nodding over to Sirius. Both Regulus and James grimaced and let out a noise of agreement.
The compartment lapsed into a comfortable silence as they simply sat enjoying each other’s company.
***
James and Regulus were laying in Regulus’s dorm. Hidden behind his curtains, it was the week before the Christmas break, and they were savoring every spare moment they could grasp.
“Come home with me.” James had said
He knew the answer he was bound to receive and followed up quickly “just for a few weeks during Christmas, you can tell your parents you’re staying at Hogwarts for extra work or something.”
Regulus thought for a moment, it wasn’t the worst plan, not impossible. Plus, the idea of spending Christmas with Sirius and the rest of the Marauders, his family. Was a very good persuasion.
“Okay” he said nodding up at James, “okay, I’ll owl Walburga about staying here. I’ll go.”
James beamed and threw his arms around the other who laughed and smiled into the embrace.
Sirius was over the moon when Regulus told him he could join them after having received a letter back from his parents allowing him to stay behind. Remus and Peter also had smiles on their faces as they sent cheers of their excitement.
The next week passed easily and before he knew it Regulus was back on the Hogwarts Express only this time, he didn’t dread reaching the platform. When they arrived, Regulus threw the invisibility cloak over himself and the group moved through the crowd, he had a hand resting on James’s shoulder as to not lose them through the sea of people. They found Fleamont and Euphemia Potter, James and Sirius greeting them like excited puppies smothering them with affection.
“He’s with you?” Euphemia asked referring to Regulus.
James answered her “yep” he patted Regulus’s shoulder as he said so as if trying to prove his presence.
“Good, you boys say your goodbyes now. Remus, Peter, I expect to see you shortly?”
Remus and Peter smiled at her “wouldn’t miss it, Effie.” “Of course.” They replied turning to James, Sirius, and Regulus to say their goodbyes. Sirius pulled Remus into a short kiss momentarily forgetting their company.
“uh” he began as they pulled apart shooting a glance to the Potters whose smiles seem to have somehow broadened
“Oh, thank heavens, finally you two.” Fleamont said to them, and Euphemia let out a small chuckle at her husband’s words. Which had served their purpose as Sirius and Remus both visibly relaxed. The group continued on their goodbyes. Peter not caring for how it appeared to everyone surrounding them pulled Regulus into a small hug “I’m glad you’re here” he said low enough for just to two of them to hear
“Me too” Regulus returned the hug “now go on you ugly mug” he said a little louder with a chuckle.
“Asshole” Peter muttered breaking away
“Twat” he returned, and Peter couldn’t see it, but he knew Regulus was smiling at him from under the cloak.
With that the Potters and their new additions piled into the car. Regulus was squished into the middle seat and waited until they were a tad further down the road to peel away the cloak from over him. No one spoke much for the drive, aside from James and Sirius’s occasional bickering and Euphemia’s scalding.
When they reached the driveway Fleamont smiled to Regulus in the rearview mirror which he returned.
They entered the house where James and Sirius immediately ran to their rooms. Regulus stopped in the lounge where he had his first real opportunity to speak with the Potters.
It was Fleamont who spoke first “you must be famous Regulus Black.” He said,
“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Potter.” Regulus replied
“Please dear call me Euphemia, or Effie.”
“And Mr. Potter was my father. Fleamont if you will.”
Regulus smiled at them and spoke again “Thankyou Effie, thankyou Fleamont. For welcoming me here.”
“of course, Regulus, it’s our pleasure really. You’re Sirius’s brother and we know how much our James cares for you, you’re family.” Effie told him as she offered a kind pat on the shoulder. “Now let’s get you settled, Sirius has his own room here you could share though I imagine arrangements would have to change when Remus arrives, or you could stay with James we have a roll out bed in there if you’d rather. You can sort that out just go find those two scoundrels and they’ll give you the tour.”
“Okay, and again tha- “Regulus began but at the look he was receiving from both Effie and Fleamont he stopped himself
“We won’t be hearing any further thanks from you Regulus, you have a home here for as long as you may need it, no trouble. As we said, it’s our pleasure.” Fleamont said stern yet softly in a caring paternal manner that just about gave Regulus whiplash. He let a broad smile break out onto his face before he turned to find James and Sirius.
He had ended up rooming with James, it was the morning after they’d first got in and Regulus was peacefully sleeping away in his boyfriends arms. James had woken up some time ago but didn’t have the heart to disrupt the others rest. Including when he heard a knock on the door and his mother’s voice, he didn’t have time to object before she was pushing the door open, stopping mid question about breakfast to gauge the scene in front of her. The image of Regulus and her son comfortably and familiarly tangled with each other, she let on a soft smile before seeing her sons expression slightly panicked and worried, but he still remained unmoving. She smiled at him and moved her eyes from his to Regulus and back to him with a question. James’s expression softened, no longer worried for what his mother may think he smiled back a little timidly with a nod.
“I’m happy for you James, one other thing though does Sirius know you’re….?” she whispered to him
To which he shook his head
“ah”
This was the moment Regulus had opened his eyes, murmuring a “morning Jamie” and groggily shifting further into the warmth from James’s embrace before looking around and finding they weren’t alone. He jumped slightly at the realization of company and fear took over his features briefly, the arm still wrapped around his waist seemed to ground him a little as well as the clear, reassuring smile on Effie’s face.
“Uhm, good morning, Effie.”
“Good morning, Regulus. I was just here to let you two know breakfast should be on the table in 10, if you’d like some you ought to get down there before your brother can, that boys stomach is bottomless I’m telling you.”
Regulus smiled at her fondly, he knew Sirius at Hogwarts to have something of a reputation with the Gryffindors for gorging himself each meal, he knew it was something he was not granted at Grimmauld place that it was something he would savor while he could. Regulus was happy to find that Sirius found a home that allowed him to not have to savor each available bite as if potentially his last while also accommodating for the monster appetite his brother had.
“Thank you, Effie.” He said and though she looked like she wanted to comment on that she resigned to giving him a kind look as if gathering somehow everything that thank you held.
“Of course, Regulus” She replied before stepping into the hall and closing the door behind them.
Regulus turned to look at his boyfriend who was already looking back at him they both smiled to each other, and Regulus stayed firm in his grasp for a moment longer, content and surrounded by a feeling of safety he hadn’t known in quite some time.
The next few days passed in a blur, but Regulus tried his best to absorb every second of it, when James and Sirius would go off to do whatever it was, they did Regulus would opt for staying in. he began lending Effie and hand in the kitchen, easy falling into step with each other they’d spend their time baking or cooking joyously. When he wasn’t in the kitchen or with the others, Regulus was in Fleamont’s library
“James tells me you like books? no one else here really reads and I can only read so much at a time. Please make yourself comfortable here, borrow whatever you’d like.” He’d told the boy, so he did. Occasionally he and Fleamont would talk about books they both enjoyed or give recommendations to each other. It was nice, and it was comfortable. Really it had shocked Regulus how fast the Potter’s had become like a home to him. The Potters, both the house and the people in it.
Before long Christmas had rolled around, Christmas at Grimmauld place had never really been celebrated it was dull and barely acknowledged. A stark contrast to the airs of the Potter home, decorations were strung, and there were carols playing. Regulus had been invited to the kitchen with Effie to help prepare a nice dinner and holiday snacks and was doing so when Peter and Remus wandered in.
“Peter, Remus. Welcome, Happy Holidays!” Fleamont greeted at the door, they were both mid reply when Sirius and James came bounding down the stairs
“Wormy, moons. Happy Holidays” they both exclaimed.
Everyone gathered in the kitchen, as Regulus and Effie finished setting out dinner for the lot. They sat around the table and ate, they talked and laughed and enjoyed themselves and the food. A fire was burning outside for the lot before Effie and Fleamont called it a night and left the boys to themselves and the bottle of fire whiskey one of them had nicked.
The night grew old but that wasn’t a bother for them as they carried on enjoying themselves and their company. Regulus had found a spot for himself on the only slightly dewy lawn, a bit of distance away from the rest as he took a moment to catch his breath. As he was lying there Peter appeared at his side, they didn’t speak as he held out his cigarette to Regulus who took a drag and handed it back, this is how they carried on until they were left with just the butt. Then Peter spoke thick and drunkenly he turned to Regulus and told him “I never had any siblings, but y’know what – and don’t tell the boys this- you might be the one of the closest things to a brother I’ll ever have. You know I love you Reg” There was a fond smile on his face and Regulus couldn’t help but return it.
“You big sap,” he said nudging their shoulder together “you know I love you too.”
“Oi, you two” Sirius called over to them “get your asses back over here you’ll freeze half to death”
The smiles never left their faces as the group sat around the fire, Peter making himself comfortable in one of the chairs, Sirius and Remus sat in the other a blanket strewn over them, and James and Regulus bundled on the one couch also huddling into blankets and each other. James moved his arm to be hooked around Regulus’s shoulders when he caught the look Sirius was giving them
“What’s up Pads?”
“Awfully close there you two” he said slightly raising an eyebrow
“I suppose we are, but y’know could be closer” James looked to Regulus as he finished his sentence. Who rolled his eyes but still gave a nod allowing the other to close the gap between them in a chaste kiss. Regulus would never be one for PDA, but he reasoned it was fully worth it to hear the undignified noise of shock his brother let out.
They turned to Sirius who began speaking with an even tone
“Prongs.”
“Yes Pads?”
“Did you just kiss Regulus?”
“……yes.”
“My baby brother Regulus.”
“……yes.”
At this point Regulus piped up, hoping to get the conversation over with he said “What’s the problem Siri, a guy can’t even kiss his boyfriend anymore”
Sirius’s eyed looked seconds away from jumping out of his skull he looked between the pair and the others gawking
“BOYFRIEND???? Why are you two not at all surprised right now?” he looked to Remus who just shrugged and then to Peter who was barely containing his amused laugher
“Mate, we knew.” He told Sirius
“Since when?” he asked, attention back on James and Regulus
“You’re not going to like it.” Regulus warned but answered anyway “Three months.”
“Three months, my brother and my best mate have been together three months and I had no clue. Wait, you told Wormy and Moony before me?!”
“No, no we didn’t. They just kind of figured it out. We wanted to tell you; we just weren’t sure how then it’d already been quite a while and we just weren’t sure how to” James answered
Sirius gave him a pointed look though there was some amusement visible in his eyes “and you really figured that was the best way?”
“Well, no. but when opportunity arises.” James shrugged
“Unbelievable, the lot of you” Sirius grumbled though the slight quirk of his mouth was giving some slack to his supposed outrage.
Looking at James and Regulus, still comfortably entangled. He saw his brother safe with someone, his best mate happy with someone. The both of them, -two of the most important people in Sirius’s life- had found the goodness they deserved, and they found it with each other. While Sirius tried to play up his offended, protective big brother act, he couldn’t be happier for them. He smiled at the pair, a smile which softened all the more when Regulus spoke to him, his nerves slightly betrayed him as he asked
“So, you’re okay with this?”
“Yes Reg, I’m happy for you two. Couldn’t think of anyone more trustworthy with my Jamsies heart.”
Regulus returned his brothers smile and turned to James who looked at him softly and said “yeah me either.”
The atmosphere was broken by a loud gasp from Sirius who seemed to have just realized something as he sprang from his chair, all eyes on him he declared. “SHOVEL TALK”
Regulus rolled his eyes, while James looked at his friend trying to decipher how serious he was being, Remus and Peter continued to watch on no longer hiding their amusement.
“I’m so ready to start channeling those dads that clean their rifles in front of their kids prom dates. Prongsie, it is my duty as big brother to tell you. I love you bud but being my best mate will not excuse you from my wrath if you hurt him. I will find you, and it will not be hard, we share a dorm and when we’re not there I’m down the hallway. Please keep this in mind. Reg, if you hurt him I could only imagine he pulled some dumb shit beforehand. You are spared, just go easy on him.”
***
That night they’d all chuckled at that. Until months later Regulus did hurt him, he hurt all of them himself included. And it was never going to be easy for any of them again.
Early 1978, he was found out. Word of the company Regulus was keeping had somehow made it back to Walburga and Orion. He was taken back to Grimmauld place and before he could ask the question of what was happening there was a dark mark on his arm. He didn’t have the time nor capacity to process what was happening to him until he was back at Hogwarts hiding out in his dorm looking at his arm in horror. He had taken the mark.
Regulus Black was a death eater.
Years later, if you asked anyone who could remember the name when it was Regulus Black had died, they would tell you it was sometime in 1979, that he was at the bottom of the lake somewhere. They wouldn’t be wrong of course. But Regulus would say that he had died a year or so before that, on the floor of the Slytherin dungeons. The moment he realized he could never hang onto the life of his he was grasping at so desperately, the moment he decided that he had to tear that life and everyone in it to ruins as to avoid someone else, someone with a much heavier hand, doing it for him. He had died that night, as a piece of his soul went with every bridge he burned.
James always had a way of seeing the better in people, the pieces of them that could bring them to redemption. Which is why he had decided that hurting James had to be his final blow, when he had barely any rope left to hang onto, that was when he had to cut the rope.
When all was said and done, he had hoped he’d be left completely alone. But Pandora had never been one to care for when things were all said and done. She saw directly through his façade, enveloping her friend in a hug which he cried into as the two collapsed onto the floor of the library. She was there beside him until the day he left.
What no one would see was Peter Pettigrew spotting the two as he browsed the books. A part of Peter died that day to as he saw the fate of his friend, his brother in front of him. He vowed if he did nothing else, he protect the rest of his family.
***
Regulus had a very bittersweet departure. Thinking of the moments of warmth and safety throughout his short-lived life, letting them bring back a feeling of nostalgia he had once tried to ward off but let himself indulge in as he knew he’d never know it again. With little fight and little comfort, he let go. Let the hands of death carry him away from the icy waters into whatever was waiting for him on the other side.
***
When Euphemia and Fleamont received the letter, both were inconsolable, tears wracked their frames and they held each other tightly searching for an anchor and coming up empty. Nothing would ground them for some time after the news of Regulus’s death. Regulus their sons first love, Regulus who danced around their kitchen and helped with the dishes, Regulus who had taken up the same sunny window seat to read as Fleamont had in his youth. He was gone. They would spend the next few months of their lives mourning the Black brother they couldn’t save.
*
Lily hadn’t been sure what to do when she walked into the living room to see James clutching a letter to his chest, heaving with choked sobs and screams trying to leave his body all at once. She had heard his cries, heard him pleading with an unknown someone. She had been at a loss for words simply looking startled at the scene in front of her. James upon noticing her there, didn’t spare her a glance as he reluctantly handed her the letter. He looked away and continued on whaling as she read the letter
My dearest Jamie,
By the time you’re reading this, I will be dead.
I’m sorry, for everything.
I know in context to what I’m referencing, sorry will never be big enough. There’s not a word out the yet to describe how I feel about what I did to you. If they come up with one, you’ll have to let me know whenever we meet again. Please know I never wanted to do any of it, if I could have, I would have held on to you and the life we had together until the very end. You will always be my first and last love James, please don’t let me be yours though. You deserve to be happy with someone who can keep the life you share.
I’m defecting from the death eaters; I’ve discovered something that could alter the course of the war. I can hear you telling me I’m a fool, that I shouldn’t have dove in alone on this one. But this is something I must do alone, for the risk is far too great and I couldn’t put someone else here, someone with something to lose. Anyone who mattered to me already knows what it is to live without me, and I lost everything the day I lost you and the Marauders. This is the cleanest way of handling things.
I will never ask for your forgiveness, for any of the things I did. But I do ask you don’t hold my death against me too much.
With love, yours
Reggie
R.A.B
Lily had to process for a moment before it fully clicked. Regulus, Regulus Arcturus Black. He had been James’s first love, he was dead. She looked to her fiancé a shell on the floor and slid down beside him, pulling him into her arms as he cried into her shoulder.
“I’m sorry” he continued repeating. She couldn’t be sure who it was directed at.
What she did know now though was one thing. James would never be fully hers as she was his. Part of him will always belong to Regulus and that part of him had just died alongside the boy he loved.
All she could do was honor Regulus’s wishes and try help James live happily again with what he had left.
*
Peter knew it was coming before the letter reached him. He felt it one afternoon, he felt a part of his soul break off and dissolve into the dirt beneath his feet. He knew what that was, he had been ready for it for far too long. It was almost a relief to him to know he no longer had to live in waiting for Regulus’s death and to know that Regulus no longer had to live that life. When he was notified all, he could do was nod solemnly. Though when he returned to the comfort of his apartment, he pulled out a bottle of fire whiskey and toasted to his lost brother. Before drowning his grief in the rest of the bottle and for a moment didn’t worry about the semblance of a person he’d have to pull himself into the next day.
*
Sirius had tried to act unaffected by the news, he wanted desperately to hate his brother for what he did, for hurting them, for hurting himself, for dying for it. And he did. He despised his brother and everything he ever associated with him. He hated seeing Remus’s old books lying around, he hated baking, and piano, and those stupid rings Regulus always wore and lost he was somehow still finding everywhere, he hated warmth, and he hated the cold he hated the family they had and the hole he left in it, and he hated being happy when Regulus wasn’t around to share it with him. He didn’t think he'd be allowed to be happy for a long time coming.
Above all though, a new hatred bubbled in him for the monsters they had been cursed with for blood family he found a violence in him he never knew existed. One that was screaming at him to march to Grimmauld place and burn everything to the ground. He probably would have too if not for Remus, Peter, and James. His family.
None of them knew how to help each other, not when the grief and emptiness hung around all of them so thick. So, they didn’t bother, they would sit together in an act of comfort all grieving too strongly for words. Peter would make sure everyone ate and kept physically okay but aside from that they did little else.
That was until Pandora knocked on their door one evening. Peter answered it and once he saw who stood there, he nodded allowing her in.
“Pandora?” She was greeted with stepping into the room
“Hi, look um. I don’t know how to start here so I’m just going to get straight to it, Reg’s funeral was today. It was as you’d expect from the Black family. I was uh wondering if maybe you guys would join me in having a ceremony to actually remember him? If you can’t or don’t want to, I understand but seeing what they did for him was only angering and I know he deserves better and I know you could give him that. Maybe I shouldn’t have come here, oh god I’m sorry.”
“We’ll be there” a voice cut through her rambling; it was Sirius. “I’ve been to a black family funeral or two before, you’re right. Reg deserves better.”
With that the five of them sauntered down to the graveyard only for a moment to make some adjustments to the space they all knew was empty of any part of Regulus but would remember him anyway. His headstone read “Regulus Black, Proud son to Walburga and Orion Black and heir to the ancient and noble house of Black and devout server to Voldemort. May he rest in peace” this earned five scoffs from the lot before Remus drew out his wand and pointed it to the stone fixing the engraving
“Regulus Black, Loving brother to Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Pandora. Friend to a very loved few. Lived with love and loved wholeheartedly. You will be missed. Until the very end.”
Despite all thinking they had no tears left to cry, not one of them had dry eyes as they walked through the field, they all knew Regulus to have spent his time, they all had shared memories with him there. Once they stopped by a small pond he used to read and feed ducks by, they shared a mournful silence before it got too much to bear. All of them had had enough of silences at that point, instead Pandora started telling them through choked words of the time Regulus had taken her out to the field in the spring to pick flowers and paint, from then the tears and stories spilled from them into an atmosphere of shared grief and almost comfortable sadness. Upon realizing they were in the middle of nowhere James let out a pain filled, untamable scream. Followed suit by Sirius, this was how their evening carried on. In painful memories and tears shed and screams to the same void Regulus was hiding in somewhere, they cursed him out for his death and spoke fondly yet truthfully of his life.
They all knew, damn well, that while the moments they could spend with him could sometimes be taken for granted no memory with him ever would be. They needed them too much, now they could no longer have him.
They vowed to keep him alive and comfortable in a new fortress of their memories.