This Old Heart of Mine
This old heart of mine been broke a thousand times
Each time you break away, I feel you're gonna stay
Lonely nights that come, memories that go
Bringing you back again, hurting me more and more
23rd March 1975
James hadn’t left the dorm that day. Ara suspected he’d ended up in another one of his moods, unable to leave his bed.
She’d be lying if she said she didn’t feel terribly guilty. Even if Lily kept reinforcing that he hadn’t needed to orchestrate an entire plot to drug and trick them into confessing.
James was James. He had the capabilities to be an absolute toerag at times, but also the brilliance to be one of her closest friends. He was her safest space. It was why it had hurt so much.
And so, in her hungover haze of self-pity, Lily had dragged the indigo-haired witch to the library; citing that if she was going to overthink, she ought to do it regarding their homework. Well, that and she figured the poor girl didn’t need to face their House quite yet.
Currently, Ara was scratching out her Ancient Runes assignment - sat opposite her most studious friend.
She’d taken to the subject like a duck to water. It had been so effortless that Professor Elcaro had remarked that she would be one to watch. That alone had been reason enough to stick to it, let alone that it was actually sort of interesting.
Unfortunately for Ara, Professor Mantos had refused her withdrawal from Divination. The odd professor had begrudgingly informed her that she may be without imagination, but that she was not without Sight. And then, she had sighed deeply about talents and second chances being wasted on those without the patience for ‘her’ art.
So Ara had another class on her load, and an odd lack of tension in her following Divination lessons. That, and the following ‘Outstanding’ marks she got in her ensuing homework.
“So, Sirius asked me about you.” Regulus frowned as he sat down next to Ara, briefly glancing at Lily opposite - a soft blush forming on his pale cheeks. As he noticed Ara’s curious look, he resumed frowning. “Told me to tell you that he’s sorry. Wouldn’t explain why.”
“He’s being a prat.” Lily glowered opposite, nursing a particularly rough hangover. Her full cheeks were flushed still; lively and exhausted.
“When isn’t he?” Regulus sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. He looked over them at his sister, with those awfully seeing eyes. “What did he do this time?”
“You don’t want to know, Reggie.” Ara shook her head, voice terse and unforgiving.
“Says who?” He glanced between them with fretful eyes.
“Says your innocence.” Lily remarked opposite - Ara shooting her a glare that barely registered. Lily didn’t fear Ara; she never had. It was quite nice, really.
“Is this about Lupin?” Both girls eyes bulged as they stared at Regulus. He seemed entirely unfazed and perhaps a little amused.
“What are you implying?” Ara narrowed her eyes.
“Well, I mean… it doesn’t take a genius to notice that you and Lupin are closer this year. Or that he was sporting a bruise on his cheek that could only be Sirius’s work.” He shrugged. Ara blinked as she took it in. Sometimes, she underestimated her little brother. She forgot that if there was one thing he excelled in, it was noting little things and making connections. “I just can’t figure out why Potter looks like someone slammed his face in a door.”
Ara couldn’t help the frown those words caused. Unfortunately, her brother immediately caught on and looked at her with concern. Sighing, she exchanged a brief glance with Lily - filled with tense memory - and focused back on her brother as she begrudgingly explained the gist of what happened.
“Me and Remus have been… privately seeing each other,” Regulus made a face of absolute disgust at the idea, but Ara ignored it with a pointed look, “and last night James and Sirius decided to get our entire year to play Veritiserum or Dare just so they could get me to admit to it. They didn’t ask about it before hand, or confront me normally. They got me drunk and James got me to admit it in front of half our House.”
“Well.” He exhaled. “That explains Potter’s face.”
Lily snorted.
“You actually saw him?” Ara blinked, gnawing at her lip.
“Just in the dorms when I went to see why you never showed up to grab that comic off David. I think he’s still sleeping off the hangover.” Regulus laughed, the sound halting as he caught his sister’s tense mood. “So how long are you planning to make Sirius suffer for?”
“Just til this evening. I plan on reopening the bond in the middle of dinner and yelling at him that he’s a dickhead who’d better not pull that shit again.” She laughed, the sound a little on edge. Too sharp to be genuine. “Figure, if he got to embarrass me in front of our House, I get to do it in front of the school.”
“I like that plan.” He grinned, shrugging off his jacket to reveal his bright yellow seeker shirt. Ara, naturally, groaned.
“Even you?”
Seeing his confusion, Lily laughed and filled the boy in.
“What about James?” Regulus probed after the mood had settled. “Do I need to do a brotherly intimidation?”
“I wouldn’t be opposed.” Ara spoke thoughtfully, gnawing at her lower lip. “Truthfully, I have no idea how to handle James. I still don’t get why he did that.”
“Marauders don’t keep secrets, right?” Lily shrugged; eyes downcast, scanning over her notes. “He’s probably just upset that you guys kept it from them.”
“I’ll talk to him.” Regulus promised. “I’ll tell him to stay out of your business.”
“It’s alright. Next time we’re alone, I’ll explain it to him. Apologise for the secrecy and then he can apologise for the humiliation. Then we can forget the whole thing, alright?” Ara huffed. “Now can we talk about something over than my awful romantic life, please?”
“Minchum’s placed more Dementors around Azkaban. Meant to serve as a warning, apparently.”
“Something that isn’t politics.” Ara groaned.
“Oh! Guess who asked me to Hogsmead?” Lily squealed, excitedly.
“Oh good.” Regulus smiled, if a little put on. “I’m glad she got her head out of her arse.” Ara tried and failed to hold in a snicker as Lily’s face fell slightly.
“Did she say something to you?”
“Oh no. But she’s always looking at you during meals.” Reg shrugged. “Doesn’t take the next Merlin to figure that she asked you out.”
“Who?” Ara asked, if only to put Lily out of her misery.
“Emmeline Vance. She’s a couple years above us. She’s in-”
“Ravenclaw.” Ara filled in with a smile. “Oh, I remember her from Valentines, she’s lovely.” The two exchanged excited looks.
Lily’s insecurities had always been a somewhat unspoken but well-seen topic for the girls. To them, their ginger friend was the most beautiful girl they’d ever seen; not in spite of her curves and chub, but in conjunction with it. She was busty and tall and honestly stunning. If only she could see herself the way they viewed her.
“I’m sorry to dip out on girl time.” Lily sighed, resting her head on her hand - elbow propped on the desk.
“Oh none of that,” Ara waved a hand, dismissively, “besides, Panda has already ditched me to go hunting for floppernuggets with Xeno.”
“Oh no.” She frowned. “Oh I don’t want you to be alone.”
“It’s alright. I recon Reg wouldn’t mind a bit of time with his big sister.” She smiled, sharing a smile with her brother as he nodded in agreement. “Plus David has that new Iron Man comic that Petey’s been dying to get his hands on. I’ll barter for it.”
“At least give me a week to read it before it circuits the Gryffindors.” Reg lamented, looking to his sister severely.
“Of course.” Ara smiled, laughing at her brother’s serious expression. “I have to punish the boys somehow.”
“I still can’t believe you were engaged with Lupin.” Regulus shuddered. “You’re only fifteen.”
“Bella says she was the same age.” Ara shrugged. “Over summer, she basically told me to go and have fun before I get hitched.”
“Please don’t tell me this was all because Bella suggested you have sex before you get married!” Lily shrieked, suddenly looking around with red cheeks as Madame Pince shushed them from the front of the library. Regulus seemed to slump into his chair, as though wishing it would swallow him. “Well?” She whispered fiercely, glaring down her wide eyed friend.
“It wasn’t not that.” Ara winced, looking away guiltily. “Besides, Remus and I agreed that it was only sex.”
“Stop saying that word!” Reg hissed before promptly burying his face in his parchment.
“I thought you both might try and… well, I don’t know. Actually date, or something.” Lily stuttered out, frowning at both her perceptions and her friend’s cavalierness at such a relationship.
“What would be the point, Lils? It isn’t like it would be something that could go anywhere.” Ara shrugged, awkward in both gesture and speech. “And Remus is my friend. Before anything else, and it made it simple.”
“Does that mean I should expect you shacking up with another Marauder?” Lily waggled her brows, both girls ignoring Regulus’s distressed wails from the table.
“I should be asking you that.” Ara grinned, shaking off her embarrassment. “Remus and I were thinking that you and James fight too much for there to not be something underneath it. Sexual tension, perhaps?”
“As if!” Lily exclaimed, shaking her head in disgust. “He’s an arse.”
“Denial is always the first stage.” Ara sang.
“Oh, shove off!” Lily laughed, pushing Ara playfully.
“I’d bet money on it.” The other girl merely stood her ground, waggling her brows.
“You’re on.” Lily grinned, extending a hand to shake Ara’s. “Two galleons my way, if I catch you snogging any other Marauder.”
“And two my way if you ever snog James.”
With a firm shake, the deal was set.
“I hate the bloody pair of you.” Reg spoke, voice muffled by parchment as he wrapped his arms around his head.
“You love us.” Ara correctly, reaching over to ruffle his hair; Reg’s head shooting up as he scowled her way.
“You’d better make Sirius cry like a little girl later.” He sighed, folding his arms over his chest. “To make up for this entire debacle.”
“You have my word.” She nodded, lips quirking in a grin much like her twin’s.
When it came down to it, the two girls ended up late to dinner. As did the third of their trio.
They arrived as the meal was midway - sneaking silently into the Hall and perching at the end of the Gryffindor table. Ignoring the dozens of eyes that latched onto Ara Black; expressions she tried her very hardest to ignore. Pandora set up her plate, pressing cutlery into her hands with a stern look.
And when Ara finally opened the bond anew in the Great Hall that evening, it was with a shrill scream.
If you ever pull that again, I’ll cut off your member and feed it to you.
The stumbling and screech from the boy as he fell from his seat was enjoyed by all who saw. None more so, however, than his younger brother. Regulus Black’s cackle was heard over the roar of the Great Hall - full of mirth as he gestured a thumbs up his sister’s way.
Not that her work was over.
It was with a heavy heart that she later ascended the stairs to the boys dormitory.
Pulled off her robes, chucking them on her twin’s bed - creeping over to the bunk opposite. The stone of the floor cool against her knees as she leant by his head. Eyes fixed on his face, his own on the ceiling above.
“I’m popping to the kitchens.” Ara spoke softly, brushing a hand over James’s forehead - pushing his messy hair off his face. He was overdue a haircut. “Would you like to come?”
Slowly, he looked to her. The emptiness to his eyes seemed to be evaporating, traces of his usual self gradually returning in droplets of brown and green.
“Are you sure?” He finally spoke, voice horse from lack of use.
“I’m certain, Jamie. And I’m sorry for hitting you. I promise that I won’t ever do it again. You mean a lot to me.” Ara smiled uncomfortably, offering her hand to the dark haired boy.
He took hold.
“You mean a lot to me too.” He breathed, lips quirking up in a lopsided smile. “And I’m sorry too. I’m so sorry, Ara. I should have let it alone.”
“Yes. Yes you should have.” Ara admitted with a heavy sigh. “I’m sort of glad, though, to have it all out and stuff. I hated having such a big secret from my brothers.”
“Just your brothers?” He quirked a brow, though the gesture was a little slow.
“Alright.” Ara huffed, jokingly rolling her eyes. “I am sorry I didn’t tell you. It was just… so bloody complicated.”
“Surprised you both lasted as long as you did.” James huffed, finally reaching to pull the sheets from his torso - Ara helping by secretly pulling them down by his feet.
“I know.” She smiled; the action so very full of sorrow. “I half-thought Sirius would crack it by Christmas.”
“He’s too obsessed with himself to notice changes in others.” James laughed faintly, letting her wrap a hand around his to pull him from the bed.
The sheets fell to the floor as he stumbled upright - leaning on her slightly as he caught his balance. She tucked an arm around his side, pulling his own over her shoulder as she tugged him through the dorm.
“Not you, though. Lily thought you’d figured it out for months.”
“I think I had.” He admitted as they paused for him to step into some slippers. “But it felt like we were too young for such a thing, so I just dismissed it at first. After a while, though… it got hard to ignore.”
“I know.” She sighed. “I don’t know what I was doing.”
“Don’t you?”
“I just… Bella said to live before I was forced to sign my future away.” She looked to him with dim eyes; so full of sorrow. “All I wanted was to make my first time… more than my first and another’s hundredth.”
“Do you regret it?”
“A tad, but not entirely. Not yet, anyways. I’m sure in a few years, if Dorea manages to break the contract, I’ll wish I’d waited for a boy I loved properly, but… I don’t know.” She sighed, shrugging slightly as she looked away. “It was easier for it to be a friend. Someone I knew I’d never give my heart to fully.”
“Does he know that?” He hoarded.
“What am I if not clear, Jamie?” Ara sighed, resting her head on his shoulder for a moment - fingers on the door handle. “And, yes. If I’m perfectly honest, I think I made a terrible mistake.” Her voice wavered and he frowned, looking down but unable to spy her expression.
It killed him.
“Me too.” James sighed, forcing his fingers back to life to squeeze her shoulder.
“If you ever do anything like that again, anything that widely humiliating, I won’t return to Potter Manor.”
“Ara.” He squeaked.
“I love you, Jamie, but that was too far.” She sighed, head still on his shoulder. “Sometimes I have nightmares of people sending me letters full of curses, telling me I’m some scarlet woman. And last night, it felt like you brought my nightmare to life.”
“I…” he rasped, pulling back to turn her to face him.
“Look, let’s just wipe the slate clean, alright?” She asked, tilting her head to look up at him with those eyes like gravestones. Flat and void; such disappointment that he winced. “Just… never again, promise?”
“I solemnly swear it.” He nodded.
And that was that.
It had to be, right?