My Way
Yes there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up, and spit it out
13th July 1974
Each morning started with minimal bird chatter.
As though each pigeon and dove were too afraid to roam close. To speak near Grimmauld Place’s ears. Only echoes of songs, far away.
For three siblings trapped within the walls, it was their hopeless alarm. Their waking call - forcing themselves out of whatever bed they’d stared that night. All ignoring that they were certainly too old to still need that comfort. Even though Ara slept less in Sirius’s bed when she had nightmares, she still often slept with Lily or Marlene by her side. Sirius would often fall asleep in James’s bunk; chatting themselves into exhaustion. Even Regulus often shared a bunk with his best friends. Especially after Henry had caught him trying to spell his curtains to be silent in their first year.
Now the bright Hufflepuff would crawl into his bed when he woke in a fright - seldom as those nights were. They’d talk about Quidditch trials and David’s newest comic. Childhood stories of pranks or awful family affairs. Henry living with his father after he got back from years of army tours versus incidents of the summers with Reg’s cousins. Quickly, the boy was becoming someone that Reg couldn’t live without. They’d already promised to arrange a day for Reg to sneak out so they could practice their flying over summer.
And in times like this, Reg wished for his normal, lighthearted friend.
Especially when Sirius was acting like a dunce.
There he sat, on his bed grinning as his brother surveyed the new decor to his bedroom. The boy had been on top form all morning. How was Reg to know that after lunch, he’d let all his insanity reign?
In the hour that he and Ara had been in his bedroom trying to figure which clothes of his were to be donated now he was taller - before Walburga had summoned her to the study for a talk - Sirius had plastered his room with images. Every wall was coated with posters; not a single trace of the original wallpaper to be found. Sticked-up pictures of half-naked women, motorcycles, muggle bands. It was utterly hideous. A teen boy fantasy done to the extreme.
“What do you think?” He grinned, waggling his brows.
“A little excessive, don’t you think.” Regulus laughed in astonishment, shaking his head with fondness.
“But it’ll piss off Wally enough that she’ll leave you and Hermie alone.” Sirius shrugged, a cheeky grin twitching at his lips.
“It’ll piss her off enough that Ara will do something silly to take the attention off of you.” Regulus corrected him with a frown playing at his bright face. “Honestly, Siri, sometimes you just don’t think things through.”
The older boy did not reply, merely looking to his younger brother with a scowl. Before Regulus could add another jab, the door quickly opened and shut - Ara pressed against it and breathing rapidly. Eyes darting around the room before she could let her shoulders drop. Before she ran a hand through her hair and sighed, smiling faintly at the two.
“You alright?” Sirius asked her, sitting straighter on his bed.
“Never better.” She spoke horsely, coughing to clear her throat. “Just found out that Flint may come to family dinner tonight.”
“That soon?” Regulus frowned, stepping closer to try and gently herd her towards the bed. She complied in a daze, letting her brother seat her against the pillows as she looked absently with great horror in her eyes. “I thought he was busy with work until the 15th.”
“As did I.” She croaked, finally looking him in the eye; her own softening as she tried to hold back her anguish. Reg was already sensitive enough. “But he may be able to get out of some work gala early and pop by.” She shuddered, Sirius flopping over to place a hand on her shoulder. She gripped it, instinctively, stroking a thumb over his knuckles. “No point on dwelling, anyways. We ought to get ready for later.”
At that, she finally took sight of Sirius’s room - her face tinting rather pink as she surveyed his new decor.
“Do you like it?” He grinned, waggling his brows.
“It’s very…” Ara paused, looking very flustered. “Did you have to get so many blondes?” She groaned, shoving his hand from her shoulder to bury her face in her hands.
“Why? Too reminiscent?” Sirius barked a laugh, the sound loudening when he caught sight of Reg’s confused brow.
“What are you on about?” The boy whined, stealing the space on the bed between them as he looked between the two.
“Ara snogged Marlene!” Sirius guffawed, utterly amused as his sister’s head shot up and she pinned him with a glare.
“Why do you keep telling everyone?” She groaned, reaching over Reg to kick him in the shin. “I thought twins were supposed to keep each others secrets? I don’t tell everyone about the time you got itching powder down your pants.”
The boy blanched as Reg let out a sniffled giggle, having forgotten the incident a few years before.
After putting it in Kreacher’s pillowcases, he had then gone to pee - forgetting he ought to have washed his hands beforehand. The result was rather hilarious. That is, until their mother had caught wind of the situation and threatened to do a hasty at-home circumcision. Luckily, their father had some potion that dealt with the matter.
“Maybe if you told me in the first place, I wouldn’t have blabbed.” Sirius stubbornly crossed his arms over his chest, leaning over Reg to face her better. “You told Petey first!”
“I only told him that I’d had my first kiss!” Ara shot back, crossing her arms as well.
“You hadn’t told me.” Reg spoke, growing at the pair. “Neither of you did.”
“I only told Pete because he kept going on about it.” Ara shrugged, unhooking her arms and linking one with Reg’s. “I didn’t tell you, because I figured that sort of thing is awfully personal. And, perhaps, not something I wish to discuss with my little brothers.”
“We’re both taller than you.” Regulus pointed out, laughing as she poked him lightly in the rib.
“Oh hush. I was born first. I will always be your big sister.” With that, she quickly pecked him on the cheek - jumping from the bed and dusting off her trousers. It was a surprise that their mother had let her wear them. Though, Reg supposed she’d be wearing robes later. At least none of their family would see it. “I’m off to my room to get changed. If either of you want a hand with your ties or hair, come find me in ten minutes.”
“See you in ten.” The brothers spoke together, laughingly joshing each other around as Ara left; shaking her head in fond amusement.
She tried to keep her smile as she walked the corridor, but it was difficult under the watch of the elf heads. Their former servers, nannies and cooks… stuffed and mounted by their mother. Lining the hall between her room and those of her brothers.
Shutting her door with a shudder, Ara tried to keep her calm. It would do her no good to freak out, right before she would see Bella. She didn’t need to add that worry to her cousin’s life. Instead, Ara paced the length of her room. Until her heart stopped feeling like it wanted to rip free from her chest. Until her ears stopped ringing and her mind no longer felt so heavy.
Be over in a minute, okay? Sirius spoke softly over the bond, feeling her agreement.
Her twin helped her get ready first. Helped fix her hair into a braid - topped with a clip that Bella had given her. Made sure she got changed before Reg would be over, just not to worry him. They matched in cut and design; the three donned in nearly-identical robes, save for Ara’s skirt and Reg’s higher collar.
At the sound of the Floo - echoing through the hallways - Ara snapped back into herself. She brushed off her robes, straightened her brothers’ ties with a grateful look.
It was her role to welcome their guests that evening. As eldest, but not heir, her mother had said last night at dinner. Then, she proceeded to drag Reg away to Orion’s office; the boy exiting four hours later with shaking hands and whispers of his role as heir being too burdensome.
They were to be meeting someone soon, Reg spoke in hushed tones, and whoever it was frightened their mother. Enough to warn Reg that as heir he had to keep his siblings in line.
Lest they trigger some catastrophe, Ara supposed. They were rather fond of those.
Waiting by the bottom of the stairs - all by her lonesome - stood Bellatrix Lestrange. Cheeks bright and lips tucked into a wicked grin. Her curls pulled into a messy pile atop her head; adorned with crystals that glowed like stars. It matched the silver stitching on her robes.
“Bella!” Ara breathed in shock, a smile breaking free at the sight of her favourite cousin. She galloped down the last stairs, rushing to greet her.
“Mon chou!” Bella smiled back, eyes wide and alight. “I snuck over early to say hello.” She whispered, conspiratorially as she rushed closer and wrapped Ara in a hug.
“I’m glad.” Ara grinned as they parted. “I was worried that Flint had cancelled his work plans and was suddenly about to come through the Floo. How have you been?”
“It’s been so boring without you.” Bella huffed, tucking some loose curls behind her ear. Quickly, Ara led her to a small alcove in the entryway - just out of view from the sitting room containing the Floo. “Cissa keeps going on about Lucius’s role in the world, how they’re moving up in things. She keeps trying to get me to do the same.”
“What sort of things? His Ministry job?”
“You’ll find out soon enough.” Bella absently scratched her left arm, frowning slightly. “I just… I know it’s silly, but I had hoped for more time.”
“Me too.” Ara sighed. “I have to have tea with Flint and I’ve been ignoring his letters all year. Wally said he’s been getting his house ready. For me.”
“And for an heir, I presume.”
“I’m fourteen. I haven’t even had sex yet, I don’t want to think about babies.”
“You could always do as I have done.” Bella offered, a sly grin creeping over her face as she leaned in sneakily. “I wasn’t chaste as Narcissa was on her wedding night.”
“Bella!”
“You’re fourteen now.” She shrugged, cackling at Ara’s mortification. “That’s about the age I was, both when they betrothed me and when I gave my virginity.”
“Isn’t the phrase ‘to lose’ it?” Ara squawked, still flabbergasted by the discussion and now beet red.
“I didn’t. I remember who I gave it to, and I’m glad they get to keep the memory. By the time I had to consummate with Rodolphus, I was well-equipped for the situation.”
“You make it sound so hideous.”
“It’s better when you know what you’re doing. They’ll know.” Bella sighed, reaching to tuck some loose curls behind Ara’s ears. “That was Narcissa’s problem, anyways. She’d wanted to remain chaste and he, well, Malfoy was infamous when I was still in Slytherin.”
“That’s what I dread.” Ara admitted, nervously twisting her thumbs.
“Then don’t let it happen. Don’t let him be your only experience.” Bella spoke with solemn severity, desperate imploring lacing her words. “You’ve got three years ’til you come of age. Don’t waste them. And don’t waste your life, after. I certainly don’t.”
“Bella!” Ara gasped, realising the implication.
“Rodophus knew exactly who I was when he married me.” She replied primly, brushing her hair over her shoulder as if a shrug. “He has his mistresses, and I have mine.”
“You’re wicked.” Ara grinned, laughing at Bella’s honesty.
“He has to keep me occupied now I’m no longer permitted to spend more than a month at a time at the Black Manor.” She huffed, blowing a loose curl away from her face.
“Really? That’s so unfair.”
“It isn’t his fault, loathe as I am to admit so.” Bella looked away for a moment, eyes glossy as she held her blink - turning back to Ara with sorrowful eyes. “We all have our duties, in this family. I fear yours may one day reflect mine.”
“At least I’ll be there with you.” Ara reached for her hand, squeezing it softly as she smiled at her favourite cousin. “Whatever burdens I face in future will be easier as long as I get to be with you.”
“Je te le promets.” Bella swore, holding her hands tightly - eyes burning with intensity. “You’ll never be alone in it. I won’t allow it.”
“Thank you.”
——
Dinner was a hideously intimate affair.
Only the core of the family; not even husbands allowed. Bella and Narcissa sat alone between their parents - Ara and her brothers forced into the same position at the table by their own. They all wore their most stiff robes. All in shades of black, hints of stitching on the younger lot’s. Bella and Cissa had touches of silver on the hems. Ara and her brothers with their licks of gold. Their quiet defiance.
Since the occasion was special, Ara’s parents had opted for a seven course meal. Which, in other words, meant being stuck at the table for potentially five hours. Forced to endure their parents probing questions - the failed attempts at trying to brag about children they all loathed.
At least the roasted duck was decent.
“How is your new husband, Narcissa?” Walburga asked, looking pointedly at the blonde witch as she cut her potatoes. “You must feel so small in that Manor. Not what you’re used to, is it?”
“I am taking to it well, Aunt Walburga.” Narcissa spoke softly, eyes darting between her parents as she lowered her head and picked at her plate. “Lucius recently got a promotion at the Ministry, so I’ve been hosting quite a few dinners.” She seemed to gain a little more confidence, easing her chin slightly as she continued. “It’s been rather pleasant to-”
“I suppose that must explain it. You’ve been a year wed and still no Malfoy heir. Still no Lestrange heir, either. Such a shame.” Walburga sighed, looking pointedly at the female cousins.
“Rodolphus and I have agreed to hold off until he is better secured in the ranks.” Bella spoke lightly, the words clearly practiced. Ara and her brothers exchanged a look, all silently agreeing that poor Bella needed something to distract from what was clearly a common conversation.
“At least tell me that your sister is trying,” Druella sighed before any of them could interject, pinching the bridge of her nose, “I refuse to have no grandchildren before my time is up.” Narcissa stiffened, shooting her sister a panicked look.
“At least my daughter will bring honour when it is her time.” Walburga spoke, glaring at her eldest child as though trying to wandlessly and wordlessly curse her. “Young Flint has already begun preparations on his Manor for a nursery wing.”
“Ara isn’t even writing Flint back!” Narcissa cried, pointing accusingly at her cousin. The girl shot her a scathing look as her brothers and Bella gasped in reproach. The blonde girl shrank under the weight of their disapproval, though still continued (if in a much smaller voice). “Every time he comes to my Manor, Flint greets me by complaining that she refuses to read to his letters.”
“I read them.” Ara bit back, her brothers’s hands finding hers under the table. Both squeezing her palms to keep her calm. “I just didn’t see anything that deemed a response.”
“Olin knew what he was getting into when he chose a Black for his bride.” Uncle Cygnus laughed heartily, clearly enjoying the unease the others felt. “Wasn’t Cedrella the same with that Weasley fellow? Such a shame it was, that he turned blood-traitor so soon into their engagement. Too late to get her out of it all.”
“Olin isn’t a blood-traitor, Father.” Narcissa purred, still glaring at her younger cousin. “And he keeps harassing me about it, as though I could sway Ara into compliancy. She’s not fulfilling her duties.” She let out a little squeak - her knee jumping to hit the table. The family politely ignored it, as did they Bella’s victorious smirk.
“He’s thirty-seven. What do I have in common with an adult man?” Ara bit back, not blind to her father’s sigh or her mother’s twitch. “And he keeps trying to tell me that I can’t be friendly with Pandora, even though she carries the Rosier Sight.”
“Surely not?” Cygnus gasped, looking to his wife and Walburga with shock and distain. They were not blind to how Druella Black (nee Rosier) tensed and scowled. “Wally, your daughter must be allowed such a connection!”
“She’s an Ollivander.” Walburga grit out.
“And they are the finest wandmakers in the world.” Cygnus replied, clearly not understanding the issue. “You ought to know, considering we’ve all got wands from the fellow. Why, perhaps we ought to consider an arrangement between her and one of your sons. I am still in disbelief that you haven’t betrothed them yet. Even the Hufflepuff.”
“My little heir may wear yellow, but he is a snake at heart.” Walburga hissed, “and I have already been consulting Hephaestus Avery about the potential of a union between his daughter and the Little Heir. As well as the Carrows, though Augustus is a little hesitant to arrange something to someone so young.”
“What about the McKinnons? They might be a little odd, but they are perfectly grey in magic and with two daughters! Both the same ages as your boys, I believe.”
“Marlene is in my cohort.” Ara spoke carefully, eyes nervously flitting between her mother and uncle as Walburga turned slower redder. “Though, I believe her parents are waiting until their male heir is out of nappies before they betroth their daughters.”
“Such a shame,” Cygnus tutted, smiling at his niece, “tell you what, I’ll help you write something to Flint, just to keep him happy. We can wax some spiel about classes and the importance of forging your own connections while in school.”
“Thank you, Uncle.” Ara smiled, hesitantly, nodding at the elder man.
“Of course!” He winked. “With both my daughters married, I have far too much time on my hands. I’ve accidentally gotten rather cheerful, much to my lovely wife’s distain.”
“It’s more the whistling, darling.” Druella spoke sharply.
Their next course came as they finished speaking on the matter; a salad with oddly coloured vegetables that tasted of popped corn and carrot.
By the final dessert, all the younger Blacks were exhausted and twitchy. The questions had ranged from grilling the youngest about their grades and experience at Hogwarts to asking Bella if she was enjoying her work. After the girl had smashed a glass in an accidental fit of magic, those questions had ceased. Replaced, instead, by grilling Ara about her shockingly decent end of year exam results. She had gotten nearly all ‘O’s, save for a single ‘Exceeds Expectations’ on her Care of Magical Creatures exam.
Frankly, she had been shocked that Professor Manto hadn’t graded her down for all her outbursts in the witch’s lessons.
The questions had ended when Uncle Cygnus had spoken on how necessary it was for the eldest to be capable. At that, a look had been shot Sirius’s way.
“Shall us adults retire to the sitting room?” Orion spoke solemnly, standing from his seat. It was the first time he had spoken all night, save for replies to questions. As she glanced his way, it occurred to Ara that this dinner was the longest she had seen him for in the time they’d been at home. He often skipped family meals now. Always in his office.
Working, their mother would decree each dinnertime. But the twitch in her eye gave her away.
He had given up on being part of a family. At least, he’d given up on their family.
“Oh yes, I do believe you promised me a taste of that Egyptian firewhiskey you got off Alphard.” Cygnus nodded, standing and clapping his brother-in-law’s shoulder. “That man may be an odd duck, but he is marvellous at his alcohols.”
“It was his attempt at an apology for not being able to dissuade the Potters from taking an interest.” Orion replied; voice weary but still firm. “I told him he ought to buy us a distillery, and perhaps I’d consider letting him back on the Poker table.”
“What fun!” Cygnus laughed, signalling for his wife to stand. She did so, after a warning look to her daughters. Turning to his sister, Cygnus frowned lightly. “Come now, Wally. Let the young lot catch up. It’s been far too long.”
Begrudgingly, their mother stood. Her eyes sharp as they pierced each child; a warning to behave.
The very moment the door clicked shut, the cousins turned to face each other.
“What the fuck was that, Cissa?” Bella demanded of her sister, shaking her head in embarrassment.
“You don’t dine with mother and father as often I do. Nor do you join in the ladies tea.” Narcissa stubbornly raised her chin. “I’m tired of always being the disappointment to Mother and Father. And of always hearing Aunt Walburga cussing out every family that isn’t our own.”
“Is she still going to ladies tea?” Reg frowned. “She spoke of stopping once the Potter women began coming every week.”
“She comes once a fortnight.” Narcissa spoke nervously, glancing between Bella and her cousin. “Though, she often makes us sit as far away from them as possible. A shame, since cousin Dorea is quite witty.” She smiled awkwardly, looking to the twins. “Once, when your mother wasn’t in attendance, Dorea told me that if I ever wanted to get in contact with Andy - even if to cuss her out - she could help me do so.”
“You never said.” Bella breathed; a picture of shock.
“I’m still too mad, I suppose.” Narcissa admitted.
“Me too.” Bella returned, smiling weakly. “One day, perhaps.”
“One day.”
There was a moment of silence.
“I’m just glad I was only subject to the usual disappointed glares,” Sirius grinned as he broke the quiet, turning to his twin with a wicked smirk, “I’m glad Minnie stopped writing home after first year.”
“She writes Dorea now, instead, you know?” Reg piped in, a grin at knowing something his siblings did not.
“Really?” The twins intoned in sync.
“Uh-huh. I overheard her and Professor Sprout trying to decide who to write after that prank on the Ravenclaws.” Reg explained, a cheeky tint to his cheeks as he added. “Though, I’m sure I would have told you that already if you both weren’t busy with your silly gangs.”
“We are not part of gangs!” The twins exclaimed, gasping at their brother’s mischief.
“They have names. You both, in all your vain wisdom, named your cohorts of friends.”
“For that, I’ll take away your ruddy pin.” Ara grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest.
“You know I’m only joking.” Reg blushed, laughing at her disgruntlement. She merely glared back.
“I’m off with Ara.” Bella announced, standing suddenly. “You three try not to burn down the house in our wake, yeah?”
With that, she shepherded her cousin from the table - parting with a reproachful glare towards her male cousins. The witches made their way to the nearest sitting room. It was dark and dusty, but at least void of company. Clearly hardly used. The lights were dim and flickering; painting the wallpaper a morbid hue of grey and crimson. Still, there was a chaise that looked vaguely dusted. Considering how Ara immediately went to sit upon it, Bella supposed it must be a spot she used. One external to her parents daily comings and goings.
“Well… that was shite.” Bella huffed, flopping onto the chaise beside Ara in an unladylike motion. The younger girl snorted, nodding as her cousin tucked an arm around her and pulled her into her side.
“It feels like only your father is acting rational.”
“I fear the Black madness has infected mother.” Bella sighed, a hand reaching up to play with Ara’s curls. “Or, perhaps she’d merely pissed she did not get the Rosier sight herself.”
“I’ve never really considered that Pandora’s mother was your mum’s sister.” Ara mused. “I suppose it must be difficult to see your little sister get the Sight while it passes you by.”
“She ought to be grateful.” Bella snorted. “In all her jealousy, she forgot about the curse of Rosier Sight.” Upon Ara’s confused frown, Bella elaborated. “They die young, often in front of their own daughters. It’s how the Sight gets passed on. Mother was not present when her mother passed, and I suspect she still resents her dead sister for being there and having the magic pass into her.”
“I dread to think of a Black with the Sight.” Ara shuddered. “At least Panda lives with her grandad. He’s the right kind of kooky.”
“Merlin knows how she would have turned out if the Rosiers got her. They aren’t exactly…” Bella paused, nervously looking to the sides as she tugged her sleeves lower. “I fear, mon chou, that our family lacks patience in this current political climate.”
“What do you mean?” Ara breathed, a frown pulling at her scarred brow. Bella tried not to wince as she thought back it its origin; of Ara’s meltdown that had burned down a significant wing of the summer Estate. The ensuing investigation as Ara’s face had healed from self-inflicted burns.
“You’re going to meet someone soon.” Bella whispered, eyes darting across the room before narrowing on her cousin. “And I’m so sorry, mon chou, because it’s all my fault. I performed my duties too well. And I can’t…” her voice broke, eyes misty as she looked to her lap in shame.
“Don’t say anything more, Bella.” Ara placed her hand over her cousin’s; stroking her skin with her thumb. “You don’t have to share those secrets, not today.”
“But soon…” she trailed off, the cousins sharing a knowing look. Soon Ara would be like her.
“Don’t fret it today, Bella. Let’s go and see the others. I’ve calmed down, now.” Ara announced, standing abruptly and offering a hand to her cousin. “You can hear all about Reg’s current rankings in the tryouts for Hufflepuff’s Quidditch team.”
“Do I have to?” The woman whined, letting Ara pull her to stand. “I already suffer through Rodophus’s love of the wretched game.”
“I’m afraid it’s his only conversation piece at present.” The younger girl laughed, linking their arms as she dragged her back to the sitting room. “But he seems to have a proper chance at making it. I ate with him and his friends at their table, and when he went on about it, Kingsley - next year’s Hufflepuff captain - shot me a wink. I’d bet galleons that Reg’ll be a shoo-in next year.”
“You sound proud.” Bella noted, pausing briefly at the doors.
“I am.” Ara nodded, unlinking their arms with a shrug. “How could I not be? He’s worked really hard and he deserves a chance at doing what he enjoys.”
“That does sound nice.” Bella admitted, pushing the doors open before Ara could say anything more. The younger witch looked to her cousin with sorrowful eyes, words frozen on her tongue.
But that was fine.
Preferable, really.
What could she say to comfort the trapped when she was bound, herself?