Imminent

Oh you're taking me down, Haunting my dreams
I'm at the end of the world with you
You're taking me out, Haunting my heart
I'm at the end of the world with you
(JPOLND - The End)

July 1998

Draco stood at attention in line with the other Viperas along the edges of the darkened drawing room. Dolohov, Crabbe, Goyle, Snape, his father. His mother was now being forced to attend these meetings. He fought back a grimace. Greyback was among them, prowling around at the other end of the room. The wretch had just finished off another poor soul and Draco was planning on making himself scarce lest he be the one forced to clean up the mess. Again.

Thankfully this time, their holy Dark Lord wasn’t in attendance. Dear Aunt Bellatrix had taken to hosting in his stead. Which meant that he had to somehow stand here with the most bored expression imaginable while listening to her droll on about her precious Dark Lord and the new regime. 

It was beyond nauseating.

Draco took a deep breath and set his mind to Occluding as best as he could. He was more than proficient at it but with Bellatrix in the room, one could never be too careful. She was the only one he had seen his mother slightly cower from when threatened with Legilimency. His mother was more than advanced at Occluding along with being a natural born Legilimens. That could only protect for so long against someone as psychotic as Bellatrix. He wouldn’t put it past Bella to torture her own sister in order to pierce through her stonewalled mind.

Internally, he thanked the stars for his mother who gently–as gently as one could under the threat of a Dark Lord invading their home and their spouse turning crazed–pushed for Draco to sharpen his skills with Occluding over the last year. Though not a born Legilimens, Draco became more than adept at mastering proper Legilimency and soon followed the same path with Occluding. Snape had even given praise when Draco had survived over three hours of Snape trying to breach the defences in his mind. 

Draco had managed to throw up wall after wall to keep the man out of the precious books of his mind palace. Save for the decoys strategically placed that contained snippets of Potter making mockery of Snape, none were touched.

Now though, Draco found himself attempting to breathe normally instead of the usual deep, meditating breaths needed to complete his Occluding. He was hopeful that Bellatrix wouldn’t notice anything off about him, though he couldn’t hide the slight grimace at one of her ear shattering cackles nor the usual Malfoy sneer at some of her tangents. He gave himself credit for keeping up the appearance of a snobbish Malfoy. Luckily, he’d had years of practice.

He counted in his head slowly…

1…breathe…2…breathe…3…breathe…

He felt the cool feeling of calm shiver over him. Though he kept his hands down at his side, trying to stand as a perfect soldier, he felt the barest of touches from his mother who stood to his left. His eyes shifted to view her from the side and he felt her lightly squeeze two fingers on his hand before tilting her chin a little higher in a show of propriety. Her simple gesture calmed Draco’s racing heart a little more as he continued to count and breathe.

28…breathe…29…breathe…30…breathe

He just needed to make it through Bellatrix’s diatribe and then he was free for at least a few hours until he headed to his next dreaded meeting…

Granger was certainly to be a trade up compared to his aunt who was currently twirling around the room by herself in some form of a maniacal waltz as she rattled on about mudbloods and blood traitors again. Her current tangent was something about another raid planned for Sussex. 

He knew he should be paying better attention but gods help him, he couldn’t unless he wanted to go as insane as she was. It was far easier to listen to nails on a chalkboard than Bellatrix’s voice. He would just need to get the finer details this time from his mother later on, who would surely chastise him for not paying proper attention. Even if the Dark Lord had taken over their home, Narcissa would never allow a moment of impropriety…including paying apt attention to the current diatribes.

Oh how he wished for the days at Hogwarts before all of this happened. When things were so much simpler. He would even happily go back to the previous year when he had actually befriended Granger. More than befriended as he would happily admit to no one.

Granger…

With her chestnut coloured hair, that splash of freckles, and the way her eyes crinkled up when she truly smiled. He would give anything right now to hear her laugh one more time…

No. No, no, no.

No Draco. Bad Draco…

He couldn’t start thinking about her at the moment. If he did, it would shatter the last thirty minutes of wall building that he had done. He just needed to wait another…however much longer Bellatrix decided to ramble until he could let his thoughts stray.

An electrical crack echoed as Draco now stood in front of Granger’s little cottage-like house. 

He was dreading this. 

After they returned home from that initial meeting, Draco hastily locked himself in the music room. His breathing was erratic and his chest constricting. Thankfully his mother had “guests” to entertain in the west drawing room. He had clawed at the buttons on his shirt and raked his hands through his hair, feeling his nails scrape along his scalp. The flood of heat after the initial sting provided only mild relief.

He saw her. 

She was alive, and real, and breathing.

But Granger was closed, withdrawn. The banter they had once shared now crippled and replaced by animosity and indifference. 

She hated him. Fucking hell, she hated him. 

He felt suffocated as it poured from her with every glance, every word she had said. He didn’t blame her. He couldn’t. Draco caused the death of many of her friends and mentors. He helped Death Eaters break into her school - her safehouse, as she had once told him. And he had betrayed that trust and ripped away one of the only places she felt safe.

She would never forgive him. How could she?

For the first time in months, he let the tears fall, allowing himself this small reprieve. Tears blurred his vision while he sank to the floor on his knees, grasping at the carpet as his forehead rested upon the ground. His mouth opened in a silent scream and it took all his willpower to keep quiet. The room was Silenced but he would be damned if a sob slipped past his lips.

Granger…I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry…

A stabbing pain pierced through Draco’s mind. He felt the bookshelves shake and some of the locked books fall, breaking open. The pain that burst forth from those memories, those feelings, those thoughts; they tore through him. 

Draco choked back a scream and took a shuddering breath. Sweat dripped down his face as he forced his breathing to steady. The pain ripped through his mind again and made its way through what felt like every part of his body. Every muscle started to ache as he forced himself to stay curled on the floor. Draco wasn’t sure how but he summoned the strength to start Occluding and forcing the books closed shut again. 

He knew this would happen. He Occluded so many things, buried so many memories and thoughts from the past few years. Faltering in his Occlumency like this could cause his mind to break. It was the price he was paying for using it so extensively. Severus told him, warned him, that if he pushed back too much then he risked going insane when everything finally gave way. It would take years and careful observation from Mind Healers to undo the damage. 

Draco decided he would burn that bridge when he got to it. And today was not a burning day.

Hours later, he managed to quiet his mind again. The pain was a dull throb now, much like a headache. At least it wasn’t a stabbing pain anymore. He could manage a slight headache.

He was exhausted. Draco lay on the floor, looking up at the ceiling that was charmed to always show the constellations. Usually, it brought him some peace to stare at the deep blues but not tonight. 

Tonight, his mind and his chest hurt.

Draco pitifully thought to himself, Everything that was… everything you had… it’s all gone.

He’d had it all. Or at least, thought he did. He had an escape from the current daily drudgery. He had someone who, after years of being on the receiving end of his jabs, he thought might actually feel more for him than friendship. Never in his life had he thought that she of all people would be the one who…

Draco stopped that thought before it could go any further.

No, he lost all hope of anything good coming from that.

And he deserved to lose it. Rightly so.

Hadn’t he?

Pulling himself back to the present, Draco took a deep breath as he trudged in his black boots to her door. He could see a faint light shining out of the side through the garden doors illuminating the plant life. At least she was still awake? Was that a good thing for him? It sure as hell didn’t feel like it. 

Draco shook his head and tugged on the cuffs of the sleeves of his long black coat. He could do this. He could manage to see Granger for just simple quick meetings. He would be fine. He just needed to remember to be his smarmy prat self that she had come to hate again. Draco took a deep breath and schooled his features to appear bored before pushing open the front door, barely knocking as he did.

She stood leaning on the stairs, waiting for him.

Yeah, I can’t do this.

Draco somehow kept his composure as he internally marvelled at her. Granger had always been a force to reckon with. What he previously sneered at as being haughty he now saw as simply confidence, even if it was for show and she was actually terrified. Compared to himself and his fellow housemates, Granger had absolutely no previous encounters with magic and had managed to surpass all of them. The way she could problem solve, cast a spell with ease the very first time, remember every single thing she read…it was unfathomable.

She was astounding and Draco wished he had realised it so many years earlier than he did.

Granger was standing on the last step, leaning against the railing. Her long chestnut hair pulled over her shoulder into a side braid. She wore flowing black pants and a knitted oversized cardigan with a black shirt. Her arms were crossed and her face stoic once again. It seemed as though the air around her was humming. Draco felt his breath catch as he stood just inside the doorway, waiting for her.

“There is this thing called knocking, maybe try it?” she said with an edge to her voice.

“I’m aware of the custom,” he frowned and stepped further into the house, “And I did knock. You must have questionable hearing.”

Granger glowered at him, “I assure you, my hearing is impeccable. Prat.”

He couldn’t help but smirk, “Besides, I did as requested and tapped the ring. So, you were already aware of my impending arrival. Is knocking truly necessary?”

“Absolutely. I could be entertaining guests that need to have coordinated arrivals and departures.”

Draco raised a brow as he reached into an inner coat pocket and pulled out a thick folded parchment adorned with a red seal. He held it out to her but instead of walking closer to take it, Granger raised her hand revealing she had hidden her wand up a sleeve. She gave it a swift swish and the letter zoomed across the room with a snap into her hand. She broke the seal and quickly looked over its contents.

“Double checking my work, Granger?”

She ignored him as she flipped through the few pages. Satisfied, she folded the parchment back up and crossed her arms.

“You can go now,” she raised a brow at him, her voice steady.

Draco matched her, “And how will I know the information will make it to the rest of the Order?”

She had the audacity to roll her eyes at him, “Unlike you, I know where my loyalties lie and don’t falter-”

“My loyalty - ” he growled, cutting her off and unflinchingly holding her gaze. “ - has always been to my family and those I care about. I have never faltered. Your priorities are simply different from mine, Granger. Even you know not to make assumptions like that.”

Draco didn’t wait for her retort. He swiftly turned and stormed out of the house, the door slamming shut behind him. How dare she assume such baseless fodder about him. He understood how it may seem that he was against the Order and what she and the others were fighting for. But that was far from the truth and Granger should know that…had he not proven that to her already? 

No, of course she would believe he was no better than the other Death Eaters because of that assignment last year. 

Draco didn’t dare look back even as he reached the Apparition point. He took a steady breath before turning on the spot and Disapparating with an electrical crack.

Infuriatingly, this was how their meetings were conducted for months. Draco would arrive, hand over information, and they would snap at each other until one of them stormed away. It was aggravating to say the least. And damn Granger with her proficient duelling skills. For someone who was withheld from skirmishes, she easily outmanoeuvred him. 

Occasionally, their heated arguments would break with one of them trying to hex the other. Draco felt a grudging sense of pride as she defeated him again and again, drawing her wand in a flash before he could even get his fingers around his. He would leave suffering from whichever hex she deemed suitable punishment that day. He also felt a sense of irritation that he was being bested by her once again. Wasn’t being top of class and besting him academically enough for her? 

Apparently not, Draco thought tersely, glowering at Granger. She simply smirked from the other side of the room.

“You should practise more, Malfoy,” she taunted, “if you ever want to have a chance.”

Draco curled his lips and wordlessly sent another hex her way. Granger deflected with a wave of her wand and doused him with water.

This was going to be a long war…