Chapter 3
Halloween was getting closer now and nearly every night he managed to run into (y/n). He’s genuinely concerned about it. What if she thinks he’s stalking her? He may not know her very well but he doesn’t want her thinking he’s a creep. What if she’s stalking him? Theodore quickly tosses that thought away. She definitely doesn’t stalk people. Least of all him.
Whether it was at the quidditch pitch or the lavatory or the library or the astronomy tower, he was always running into her. He didn’t know what to do about it. He enjoyed it though. He enjoyed the small moments he managed to spend with her at night. She doesn’t talk much. Neither does he. So it wasn’t like they were talking much. They mostly sat in silence. Just content in the presence of the other.
They did talk sometimes though.
“So your only friends are Draco Malfoy and his little posse?” She’d questioned him one chilly October night as the two of them sat on opposite sides of the astronomy tower. “Doesn’t that get a little.. I don’t know? Boring?” She flailed her hands around as she searched for the right word. “I mean, genuinely, are they not the most boring, uptight people ever?”
Theodore had shrugged. “They’re alright, I suppose. It’s better than some of the other kids I could spend my time with. Besides, they’re at all those dinner parties I’m forced to attend.” He stared off into the night sky, admiring the reflection of the moon and stars on the surface of the black lake. “What about you, huh? Do you have any friends in ravenclaw?”
He knew it was a bit of a jab. But the relationship Theodore and (y/n) had managed to form in the span of a few weeks was just that: jabs. It was sarcasm laced with honesty and comedic undertones. So he knew it wouldn’t really hurt her feelings. He knew she’d respond in a similar manner with her quick wit and brutal honesty.
“I’m not really here to make friends, Theo. I’m here for an education and that’s it.” She stared off into the darkness of the night as well, following his own gaze. “Are you here to make friends? Or are you just scared of not fitting in? I hate to break it to you, Theo, but being the slytherin prince’s friend isn’t going to make you fit in.”
It was a low blow. And she knew it judging by her hand doing a horrible job at hiding her smile as her body shook in a fit of laughter. But he couldn’t even be bothered to respond to her in their usual quick-witted banter, not as he admired the glint in her eyes as she continued to giggle. In the short time that he’d known (y/n) he’s grown to adore her smile, especially if he’s the reason behind it.
Her laughter dies down and her features soften, her gaze still locked on the darkness that lies just beyond the tower. She looks content here, sitting in the silence of darkness with him. With him. “Do you have a favorite star?” Theodore knows the question is random and weird and unprovoked, yet he lets it slip past his lips and into the open air.
She doesn’t even stop to think, her gaze still focused into the darkness, before she answers. “Yes.” She doesn’t elaborate or give him room to ask, so he doesn’t, leaving her answer floating in the air.
“Who do you think is gonna win the quidditch cup this year?” I ask her, directing the conversation to a much lighter and easier topic than whatever we were on. “I mean, you’re the player, right? You’ve got to have the best idea of who will win.”
“If I were an egotistical asshole like yourself, I’d say Ravenclaw. But, our chasers are looking pretty shabby this year.” She rolls her eyes, likely thinking back to a recent quidditch practice to back up her point. “I’d say Gryffindor, the Weasley twins are an absolute menace on the pitch. Wicked aim those two have, I swear they’ve almost taken my head off.”
“I’m not an egotistical asshole,” I huff at her, a pout forming on my lips as I cross my arms over my chest. “My friends are. Not me.” I begin to grin as I watch her roll her eyes again, a smile fighting its way onto her face.”
“Well your friends are rubbing off on you, Theo.”
Theo. She’s the only person who calls him that.
Theo. He’s grown to adore the nickname over the last few weeks.
It’s just something about her, something she does to make him so okay with everything. He’s sure that if she asked him to kill someone for her, he would. With no hesitation, purely because she asked him to. The way she makes Theodore feel scares him tremendously.
He doesn’t know what to do with the way his chest aches and his stomach flutters when she speaks to him. If he were a normal person he’d think that he has a crush on (y/n), but he knows what a crush feels like to him. A crush for him if the warmth Daphne brings everywhere with her, the excitement and smell of cinnamon that follows her everywhere.
A crush isn’t willing to take a life for them. A crush isn’t sitting with them for hours into the night, hoping they’ll tell you their favorite color. Whatever he feels for (y/n) isn’t a crush. Maybe he’s just nervous that she’ll eventually throw him and his family under the bus for fraternizing with the Dark Lord. Maybe it’s because he isn’t used to her yet.
“Well what about you, Theo? Any hobbies that you indulge in?” Her eyes twinkle as they lock gazes, her expression blank otherwise. “Besides toking in the girl’s lavatory, of course.” I can’t tell if she’s looking for a serious answer or is expecting a joking comeback. So I answer honestly.
“I write.” I wring my hands together, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth before continuing. “I know it sounds stupid and weird, but I love writing. Like writing muggle fiction. Not wizarding world fiction. Have you ever read a muggle fiction book?”
“Mhm. My favorite is the little prince. Have you read it?” I quickly nod.
“I really like this savage song, it’s wonderful.” I reply to her, hoping she’ll ask about it just so I can tell her more. And to my delight, she did. “It’s about these two characters - one a monster and the other human - and their journey of what it means to really be human.”
“That sounds like a really abstract topic. Any reason why it’s your favorite? Or why did you choose to describe it that way?” This was something she always did, reading past a small phrase and seeing the deepest parts of one’s soul. It’s the Ravenclaw in her. I know a lot of people say Ravenclaws are emotionless robots, but really, they’re in the house of knowledge for a reason.
I shrugged in response to her topic, knowing that realistically, I could open up to her about almost anything. We were in the same boat afterall. “I dunno. I think it has to do with Him. And the cause my family so strongly believes in. That, there’s more to being human than what people think. That despite what I’ve done and will likely have to do, I’m still human.”
“I like that,” She said, holding her hand out. “You want to hold on to your humanity even though everything around you is trying to strip you of it.” I stare at her hand, confused. “I want a joint. I want to try.” I know she’s never smoked before so I can’t help the way my chest swells with some weird, foreign feeling as I reach into my pocket and pull out my tin of joints, handing it to her.
She seems to have an idea of what she’s doing, probably after watching me do it so many times over the last few weeks. She inhales the smoke from the joint, coughing immediately. I giggle as I take the joint from her outstretched hand, softly rubbing a hand on her back. “That always happens the first time, don’t worry about it.”
“That stuff is disgusting, why the fuck to you even smoke it? Merlin’s tits.” She looked at him expectantly, waiting for an answer to her question. Theodore froze. He’s never really talked about why he picked up the habit. It’s just always been something he avoided.
But, there was something about her. Something that made him want to open up to her and pour his heart out. So he took a deep breath, preparing himself for all the memories he was about to bring up.
“I can trust you, right?”
“Theo. I have no friends and I was raised by a house elf. Whatever you’re going to tell me, will never leave the two of us.” She reached a hand out, grabbing his hand and rubbing circles on the back of his hand with her thumb. “I’ll even exchange my own information. So we’re even.” The smile she gave him crushed any doubts he had in his mind, assuring him that she was a trustworthy person.
“The summer after our first year, I was walking in London with my mother. We were going to pick out a book for me. Since my birthday is in May, I’m never home for it, so it was a bit of a late birthday present.” He smiles at the fond memory, the excitement he’d felt when his mother had told him they would be going into London for his birthday. “After I’d gotten my present we were walking down the road when a car lost control and at the last minute she shoved me away, letting herself get hit.”
Theodore took a shaky breath as he recalled the final moments of his mother’s life, the final moments of his childhood. As he watched his mother breath shakily, blood pooling on the pavement around her. “The last thing she said to me was ‘Don’t bottle everything up, love’ And I watched the life leave her body. It was almost like I could see her soul rising from her body.”
y/n stared back at Theodore, her expression blank as her eyes seemed to peer into the deepest parts of his soul. The parts he never even dared reveal to himself, let alone other people. “The summer after she died, my dad shipped my brothers and I off to our grandparents. They gave zero shits about what we did, so I hung out with some muggle boys my age and they offered it to me. And here I am now.” Theodore shrugs, trying to lighten the mood.
“So you can see the thestrals?” That’s what she decides to ask about? Theodore thinks, Out of everything, she asks if I can see thestrals? “I mean, they can only be seen by those who have seen death, and it sounds like you have. Am I wrong?” She makes a look, her eyes narrowed as she stares at Theodore. A look that says ‘Don’t lie, I’ll know.’
“No. You aren’t wrong.” Theodore sighs, taking another puff from the joint, “They used to really freak me out actually. But, they kind of grow on you. Especially when you’re one of the few people who can see them.”
“Well, Theo, it sounds like you’ve lived quite the life in the last 15 years.”
Theodore ignores her statement. “My turn. Can you see them?” Theodore has to hold back a smirk when he realizes how off guard he’s caught her. “I mean, it’s only fair I ask, right?”
“No, I can’t. I’ve never witnessed death. Though, I’m sure that will change soon.” Theodore knows what she means immediately. She means when He finally takes over, when the war actually begins.
“Why were you in the washroom on the first day?” He feels his stomach drop as soon as the words leave his mouth. It takes a moment for (y/n) to reply, like she was thinking about lying or not. Theodore was sure she just wanted to protect herself. She’s the child of deatheaters, she’s a target.
“I’m scared.” Is all she says, her voice soft and quiet.
###
Halloween has passed and Theodore has the urge to jump off the astronomy tower. Halloween had been as boring as ever, even though he spent the night in the common room with Draco’s posse telling scary stories and downing some firewhiskey. The entire night he just wanted to find (y/n) and sit in silence with her. Or a joke about Harry Potter. Literally anything and he would have been much more content.
But, this feeling has also been causing him great distress. Because he likes Daphne. And he’s Daphne’s date to her cousin’s wedding. He’s her date because he likes her. But the time he’s been spending with (y/n) has been confusing him about his feelings. Not to mention how horrible Umbridge has been lately. Of course, Theodore is spared from her wrath due to him being a Slytherin and he never says anything to bother her. But the woman still manages to get on his nerves.
Everynight he seems to find himself sitting with her, talking for hours while he smokes or rolls little joints. His friends have no clue she exists, no idea that when he slips out of the Slytherin dorm every night he’s meeting up with a Ravenclaw he accidentally became friends with. If they even know he’s gone every night, they likely suspect he’s off to shag someone in a broom closet.
Classes are boring too. She’s in all of them, yet the two of them have sworn to never speak outside of their late night rendezvous. So instead he’s stuck with Daphne. Which he doesn’t mind at all. He adores Daphne in every way possible. But, sometimes all he wants is the presence of (y/n). All he wants is to talk to her and ask how her day has been.
He wants to indulge with someone who knows his secrets.
Daphne doesn’t know his secrets. Doesn’t know he smokes to cope with the death of his mother and the stress of Him. Doesn’t know he witnessed his mother die. She doesn’t know that he’d die for her.
Yet he still finds himself following Daphne around like a puppy dog. It’s pathetic, really, but he just can’t seem to stop.
Now, snow is falling. He doesn’t know if he only gets depressed during this time of year or if there’s actually something wrong with him. Which means, his late night rendezvous will become significantly more frequent. Whether he’ll see her more or not, he’s unsure of.
Draco, Blaise, Pansy, Crabbe and Goyle have all joined the inquisitorial squad run by Umbridge. They all claim it’s for extra credit, but Theodore’s not stupid. He knows Draco is just obsessed with Harry Potter. Theodore also thinks he’s obsessed with his parents’ approval more than anything.
Daphne and Theodore had been the only ones uninterested in the squad, preferring to focus on other things than catching Harry Potter breaking rules.
With their only friends occupied with Potter, Theodore and Daphne have been left to themselves quite a bit. The usual loud hangouts they have in the common room turning into quiet, late night talks with each other. Really, it would be an understatement to say that Theodore looks forward to the time alone he’s been getting with Daphne as of late.
“Have you ever wondered what things would be like if everything were different, T?” Daphne says, tugging her knees closer to her chest as she twirls a strand of hair around her finger. “Like, do you think we’d be friends with those kids our parents want us to hate so much? I’ve always been curious about these questions.”
“I think what if questions are a waste of time. Why worry about what could be when you have right now to worry about?”
Theodore shrugs, unsure why Daphne would ever worry herself with something like that. It’s pointless to let your mind wander like that. Especially since his own thoughts had been occupied by (y/n) for weeks now. He just couldn’t bother with stupid thoughts that would waste his energy and likely send him into a mental break.
“Listen, Daph,” Theodore starts, unsure of how to word his thoughts. “Just keep your head down. I think it’ll be easier for us if we don’t get involved. Just be a teenager a little longer, yeah?” Daphne sends Theodore a look he’s unfamiliar with, leaving him with a sense of sadness.
“I mean, we don’t want to end up like Draco, right? Obsessed with Potter and his friends.” At this Daphne laughs, a small quiet sound that dies off as quickly as it had appeared. The silence that grows between them is filled with emotion as they wait for the other to speak.
Theodore looks at Daphne, her hair falling over her shoulders perfectly, not a single hair out of place. Daphne Greengrass is the epitome of what a pureblood witch should be. Perfect in every sense, from her looks down to her mannerisms. Yet, she’s the most down to earth person that Theodore has ever met. Despite the awful people she’d grown up around, she somehow managed to be perfect.
“T, you say all of that like you aren’t a teenager too. It’s okay to take your own advice and live a little yourself, you know?” Daphne sighs dramatically. “What I’m trying to say, T, is that you don’t always need to be the one helping us. We can help you too.”
Daphne rises from her seat on the black leather couch next to Theodore, his body suddenly feeling cold. She leans down towards him, holding her hair back as she presses a small kiss to his cheek and whispering ‘goodnight’ into his ear. He feels his face turn beet red and hears her giggles fade away as she heads to bed.
Theodore sits there for a while, the moonlight shining through the water and into the common room. His mind is blank and his face expressionless. Daphne Greengrass kissed him. On the cheek. But that is nonetheless a win in Theodore’s books.
He feels like he’s floating when he finally stands up, ready to head to bed. He doesn’t even feel the need to smoke beforehand, his spirits uplifted and his mind filled with thoughts of Daphne. This is good. This is just the beginning for him and Daphne.
Whatever he is feeling right now, he can only hope it never goes away.
Because this is perfect.
#####
Theodore is still floating when he rises with the sun, his roommates peacefully sleeping in. He can’t help but smile as he recalls the events of the previous night, the action hurting his face the longer he does it. He can feel it. His life is about to take a turn, a turn he’s been wanting for so, so long. He’s dried off and slipping into his uniform for the day when Draco and Blaise finally rise from their slumber, clearly dazed and disoriented. Even more so once the two spot Theodore already dressed.
“What the hell, T?” Blaise says groggily, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “It’s 7 in the morning, why are you dressed?” Theodore casually shrugs his shoulders, adjusting his tie while Draco and Blaise take in the strange sight of Theodore up on time and in a good mood.
“With that attitude, you should join the Inquisitorial Squad.” Draco snorts out as he pulls the covers off of himself, stretching dramatically. “Maybe then you’ll stop wasting all your energy on Daph.” Draco and Blaise chuckle in unison while they get up.
“I don’t know what you’re on about, Draco. Has all that time with Umbridge turned your brain into slugs or something?” Theodore rolls his eyes at the boys before picking up his bag. “I’m off,” Theodore waves a hand and leaves the room.
If even Draco, the most self absorbed person he knows, could tell about his crush on Daphne, others had to have noticed as well. He walks through the dark corridors of the dungeon, quietness of the morning making him feel less uneasy.
Theodore has always enjoyed the morning silence of Hogwarts, especially in the colder weather. It just felt like a whole different world, to see the grounds covered in fog and not a soul in sight for miles, just him and the world. It almost feels like he’s the last person on earth. Sometimes he thinks that wouldn’t be so bad, being all alone.
If he was all alone, then there wouldn’t be a war creeping up his back. He wouldn’t be terrified for his friends everyday he gets up. Maybe, if he was alone everything would be okay. No more raging thoughts threatening to spill from his mouth, thoughts that would surely get him killed - or worse.
But he knows he’s not alone. He has Daph. The only person he would dare let hear the raging thoughts, the only person that understands him. She can somehow see through his hardened, cold exterior and into his deepest thoughts, fears and wants. The woman knew everything about him without any effort.
When he enters the Great Hall, his eyes immediately land on Daphne, her blond hair pulled back in braids and her laughter ringing like a bell in his ears. It's a sweet sound to hear her voice, never too pitchy or rough. Clear is the only way Theodore can describe it. He watches her drop her wand, her slender hands reaching to pick it up, only for her to catch his eyes and wave him over, a smile plastered wide on her face.
His stomach begins to flip as he strides over to her, threatening to make him vomit, but he holds strong, taking his seat next to Daphne without disruption. She grazes their hands together as she begins talking again, seemingly continuing a story she’d been telling Pansy and the other girls about her spell backfiring in charms.
“I’m serious, I still have flowers sprouting in my hair.” Daphne exclaims, running her hand through her hair, presenting us with a flower. “See! I’m not lying! Madame Pomphrey said it should go away on its own.” She shrugs her shoulders, taking a bite from her bread roll. Theodroe can’t help but laugh at her, a small chuckle rising from his throat. Daphne swiftly smacks him for laughing before getting engrossed in a story Pansy had begun telling.
Theodore tunes them all out, letting his eyes wander around the great hall until they fall on (y/n). He can’t help it, the way his eyes scan over every inch of her or the way his ears desperately try and catch just a twinkle of her laughter. Her hands move to cover her mouth as a laugh falls from her lips, her eyes crinkling in just the right way. And then she looks up, right at him. He expects himself to turn away, covering his face in embarrassment, but he doesn’t and when she smiles softly at him he swears his heart dropped.
Their eyes lock and stay locked, the entire Great Hall seeming to disappear, leaving the two of them the only people in the world. Merlin, (y/n) is beautiful. Even with his feelings for Daphne, he can’t deny she’s still breathtaking, and right now he could really admire it without feeling ashamed. After what feels like not nearly long enough, Draco gets Theodore’s attention, dragging his eyes away from her and back to his group. They all stare at him questioningly. Guess he missed something. “What is it?” Theodore questions them, Pansy rolling her eyes out of the corner of his eye. “A letter? Did you get one, T?” Daphne asks, her face soft and endearing.
His heart drops at the mention of the letter, making him nauseous. “Yes, I got one.” Theodore looks down, picking at the skin around his fingers, “Everyone has a spare after breakfast, yeah?” He asks them all, only continuing when they all nodded. “Let’s go talk about it more somewhere away from people. Wrap our heads around it, make a game plan, ect.”
“Let’s head out now.” Draco says, looking up from his watch and slowly pushing himself up. Crabbe and Goyle follow his lead immediately, While the others moan and complain.
“I’m not done with my food!” Blaise says, clearly annoyed with Draco.
“Bring it to go.”
Finally after lots of back and forth between Draco and the group, they were finally out walking to the black lake, the group's preferred hangout spot outside the castle. “Alright, Daph, since you brought it up what did your letter say?” Draco asks calmly, settling himself on the ground, looking at her.
“Well, it was from my father, he said I had to help spread the message, start feeding it to the younger students now so they won’t resist. All shit like that. Merlin, that’s awful. We can’t brainwash kids!” Daphne exclaimed loudly, her voice cracking as her eyes welled with tears. Pansy rubbed her back as Draco continued to talk.
“Everyone basically got the same letter?” He looks around for nods. “Thought so. It doesn’t matter what we think Daph, we have no choice. If our parents don’t punish us, surely He will if we defy orders. And for most of us, our parents wouldn’t stop him.”
The air grew silent around the group, everyone avoiding eye contact with one another. They all know it’s true. That most of their parents would happily sacrifice one of them for the cause, for the Dark Lord. Power was really all they cared for. Isn’t this task too much for a bunch of fifteen year old kids? Too dangerous, too much of a burden. Who knows what the ministry might do to them all if they were caught.
“Everyone was invited to Daphne’s cousin’s wedding, right?” Theodore asks the group, not daring to look at them but instead out into the dark water of the black lake, “Let’s see what we can find out. Give ourselves a better idea of what we’re up against. It’ll be winter break soon, so we can all use the time at home to poke around and then share our findings at the wedding.” Theodore finally looks around at his friends, all of them agreeing silently with his idea.
Besides Draco, of course. “Are you fucking crazy Nott? Snooping around in our parents' personal and work affairs? For what? To see if we can change it? Or stop it? Maybe fight back?” Draco stands up, seething. “Do you want to get us all killed, Theodore?”
This idea of his probably is the dumbest one yet, even he can’t deny it. But that look on (y/n)’s face when she told him how scared she is, it’s all he could think about at that moment. He knows that if they were caught, unspeakable things would likely be done to them. But he has to try. For his friends, her and maybe just a bit for himself.
“Draco, you don’t have to. I’m not forcing anyone to do anything. But I can’t just sit there and watch the world burn around me. I have to try, even if it doesn’t work. I’m finally content with my life and the people in it. So, fuck you if you think I’m going to let Him ruin it for me.” Theodore is heaving, his breaths uneven and his friends all staring at him with blank faces. They probably think he’s absolutely crazy, trying to secretly snoop into the Dark Lord’s affairs, potentially even defy Him.
“Listen, Theodore. I’ll see what I can do, but the second I think it’s too much, I’m out. And I’ll just follow the instructions in the letter.” Pansy says, her lips tight and eyebrows furrowed. “You may not give a shit about your family, but some of us do. So forgive us if we aren’t jumping at the chance to get everyone we love killed.” Without so much as another breath the group stands and heads back to the castle, all of them clearly done with the conversation.
Theodore watches his friends slowly walk up the hill leading to the castle, the laughter echoing in the distance as they shove each other. Theodore doesn’t bother following after them, they were right afterall; he really doesn’t care much for the living family he has left. Now, he only cares about his friends. Their lives are more important to him than anything else in his life.
He decides at that moment that he needs the day to himself. Slowly, he leans his head back against the large tree they had all gathered around, sliding to the ground and closing his eyes, dozing off to the sound of birds chirping.