Chapter 19
“Is she okay?” Agatha asked when Nicky returned to the kitchen.
He nodded. “She just needed a hug, Mama. You should give her one too.”
“I think you’ve given her enough hugs for the both of us,” Agatha smiled. She clapped her hands together. “Okay, you’re on mixing duty.”
Nicky had asked to make chocolate chip cookies, and she had already added the sugars, butter and eggs to the bowl.
Nicky giggled as she hoisted him onto the kitchen island.
“Want me to hold the bowl?”
Nicky shook his head furiously. “No, Mama. I’m doing it.”
“Okay, okay,” she backed away from him, her hands up in surrender.
Maybe she should have held the bowl. Ten minutes later their kitchen was covered in egg, sugar and flour.
“For someone so small you sure make big messes,” Agatha teased.
“I’m not small, I’m big!” Nicky exclaimed.
“You sure are. Can you put the chocolate chips in the bowl for me please?” She asked, handing the packet over to him.
Nicky accepted it eagerly.
Agatha turned to check on the oven and when she turned back her son was popping chocolate chips into his mouth.
“Nicholas Harkness!”
Nicky started giggling and Agatha tried and failed to keep a straight face.
“You’re lucky I prepared for this.” She reached behind him and pulled out another packet of chocolate chips.
Nicky leaned forward; hands eager as he tried to swipe the new packet.
Agatha tutted. “Pour that one in first.”
He pouted before he did as he was told. Agatha opened the fresh packet and gave it to him. They disappeared into the bowl too. She started stirring the dough before she said:
“Alright, now what’s next?”
“We shape them!”
“We do!”
Agatha wasn’t sure how she now had cookie dough in her hair and flour all over her face. All she did was help Nicky roll the dough into balls. But her son liked to play with her hair and touch her face even though she warned him not to because they were baking.
“Mama’s gonna have to get in the shower now, look what you’ve done to me,” her voice playful.
“I think you look very pretty,” Nicky beamed.
“Thank you, baby. I think you look pretty too.”
He scrunched his nose and pushed at her face when she tried to kiss his cheek.
“You don’t want a kiss?”
“No,” Nicky squealed as she leaned in again.
“Are you sure?” She leaned in once more and Nicky finally let her kiss him.
He kissed her in return.
“Why thank you.” She pulled him off the island and set him on her hip. “Let’s go check on the cookies.”
***
Nicky left twenty minutes after the cookies had come out of the oven. They’d eaten one together with warm milk and Agatha let him take six out of the remaining ten home. She would’ve let him take all of them, but he’d insisted that she and Rio needed some too. And as always, Nicky got his way.
Agatha felt a thousand times better, she always did after seeing Nicky. It could be for five minutes or the whole day and the joy she’d feel would be just the same.
She turned to the ginormous task of cleaning the kitchen. As she cleaned, of course, she thought about Rio. She thought about how she first felt when she joined the programme, how she’d sworn off relationships. Maybe she should’ve stuck to that, maybe she still could.
Rio fascinated her, saw her for who she was, and she really liked the woman, there was no denying that. But Rio had been so detached, she seemed like she wasn’t affected at all by the mission. Agatha didn’t know if she could be with someone like that. She was aware she didn’t have much room to talk. She’d always preferred to hide from her emotions too, but she was making some type of effort not to do that with her fake wife.
She thought Rio cared about her; she had been so sure of it. And it probably wasn’t fair of her to think any differently after one incident. But she couldn’t deal with another relationship with another woman who couldn’t and wouldn’t be there for her when she needed them most.
I don’t want this to be another Wanda situation.
Jen’s voice sounded in her head.
And neither did Agatha.
She finished cleaning the kitchen and finally freed her hair from its hair tie. A clump of cookie dough fell out of her hair and onto her t-shirt. She shook her head and laughed. That boy really was too messy for his own good.
She needed a shower.
***
Rio knew Nicky had left. The hour had been up twenty minutes ago, and she knew Wanda would be back to get him as soon as.
She listened out for her wife. The elevator doors opened, and she heard her footsteps pass her room. Rio waited a few minutes before she got up and made her way down the hall.
She knocked. “Agatha?”
No reply. That’s when she heard the shower going.
Okay. She’d come back later…or…
Rio opened her wife’s bedroom door and ventured in. This wasn’t a good idea, they were arguing, they hadn’t spoken all day.
Rio didn’t stop until she reached the bathroom door.
She bit her lip.
Maybe I should just wait. I don’t think cornering her in the shower is a good idea.
She turned to leave.
Be there for her.
Rio could do that. She was used to looking after the people she cared about and so far with Agatha; she hadn’t been doing a good job.
She sucked in a short breath and let herself into the bathroom. She prepared for the most likely outcome of Agatha screaming at her and telling her to go away.
Agatha’s bathroom was slightly larger than hers. There was a marble sink and large mirror directly opposite the door which was next to the toilet. To the right, there was a large bathtub and to the left, there was a huge walk-in shower with a shower bench and an overhead showerhead that covered most of the ceiling.
Rio loved hers, it felt like it was raining every time she showered.
Agatha’s blue eyes locked onto her immediately, and soon after her arms flew up forming a cross across her chest.
Okay, not a good start.
But not, not a good start. Agatha hadn’t screamed at her to get out…yet.
Rio kept her eyes on Agatha’s as she slowly started to remove her shirt, giving her wife the opportunity to tell her to stop.
Agatha didn’t.
When Rio was entirely naked, she paused, waiting for Agatha to vocalise an objection.
Again, it didn’t come.
Now with the clear go-ahead, Rio walked towards the shower, pulled the door back, and stepped in.
She was enveloped in a cloud of steam. Warm water fell onto her skin and soaked her hair. Rio pushed it out of her face and set eyes on Agatha. She bit her lip, the bruise on her cheek looked much worse than she had imagined. It was too big, too purple and in that moment, Rio wanted nothing more than the power to heal.
Agatha’s eyes were searching, waiting.
Rio’s eyes dropped to the shampoo bottle next to Agatha’s feet. She bent down cautiously to pick it up, keeping her eyes on the bottle and off her wife’s body. When she was standing straight again, she said:
“May I?”
Agatha’s arms were still crossed across her chest. Wordlessly, she turned around and Rio took that as the green light.
She reached past Agatha to turn off the main showerhead so only the one behind her fell. She then poured a healthy amount of Agatha’s expensive shampoo onto her hands and rubbed them together before she placed them on Agatha’s scalp. The other woman’s shoulders dropped as Rio started massaging her scalp.
With tender fingers, she worked the product into Agatha’s hair. Agatha tilted her head back so Rio could see better.
After a while, Rio started scratching at her scalp with her nails. Her wife gasped at the feeling and Rio applied more pressure.
Once Agatha’s head was covered in a decent amount of foam, she moved on to the ends of her hair, stooping down for the shampoo bottle again. Rio would be happy to run her fingers through her wife’s hair forever. It was so long, and thick, and soft. She let it run over her hands, watched it fall when she let go of it.
When Rio was satisfied she’d done a thorough job, she gently put a hand on Agatha’s waist, guiding her backwards into the falling water.
Rio wouldn’t notice the slight shake of Agatha's shoulders until she was done washing out the conditioner.
“Baby?” Rio whispered.
Agatha didn’t reply.
She lightly pulled on the other woman’s shoulder encouraging her to turn to face her. When she did tears were streaming down Agatha’s face. She’d never seen Agatha cry before, and she never wanted to see it again.
The sight was devastating.
Agatha’s arms had dropped from her chest, they hung limp at her sides.
Rio didn’t think before she drew Agatha’s body into hers, wrapping one arm around her head and the other around her back. Her body shook as Agatha’s did. She rested her head on Agatha’s shoulder and held her.
It took a moment before she felt movement from the other woman. Agatha’s hands moved underneath her arms to grip her shoulders.
“It’s okay,” Rio soothed as Agatha sobbed. “You’re okay, I’ve got you.”
And she did.
The warm water fell around them and it felt like they were trapped in their own little world. That as long as she held Agatha nothing could happen to them. Rio wouldn’t let it.
She pulled away to rest her forehead on Agatha’s. She stroked away her tears with her thumb, being careful to avoid the bruise on her cheek.
Agatha hadn’t stopped crying, and she didn’t know what else she should do. She couldn't stand to see her like this.
Rio inhaled deeply before she brought her lips to Agatha’s bruised cheek planting a deep kiss there. It was everything she hadn’t said yet: I’m sorry. I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere.
Agatha’s tears stopped soon after as if she understood.
Her wife made the next move, snaking her hand up Rio’s left upper thigh, passing her hip, until it rested lighting on Rio’s rib. The place she had punched her. Agatha’s warmth seeped into her skin and Rio wouldn’t have been surprised if her touch alone healed the bruise.
“I’ve got you too,” Agatha breathed.
***
Rio returned to Agatha’s room once she dried herself off and changed. Whilst she was gone Agatha had blow-dried her hair and was now sitting on the floor in between Rio’s legs as Rio brushed it from where she sat on the edge of the bed.
Rio knew what she had to say now but she didn’t know where to start. She’d never said this out loud to anyone before.
She took a deep breath and forced her lips to move.
“When I was five my mother died, and my father left me because of it. He said I reminded him too much of her.”
She waited in case Agatha had any questions. When it appeared she didn’t, she continued.
“My Abuela was the one who looked after me. Ever since the day he left, I vowed I would never let myself feel like that again. Worthless. Abandoned. So, I learned how to detach. To never let people get too close to me.”
Rio tilted her head back and forth, “With the exception of Alice…I guess.” She cleared her throat, “Um…so…so…”
Fuck this is hard.
“Take your time,” Agatha said from below.
Rio smiled as she combed through her hair. “So, I don’t like showing emotions like fear or despair and I guess it makes me appear…soulless. Because if I am, when people leave me, it doesn’t hurt as much because they never really knew me. And I never really let myself know them.”
She combed absentmindedly through Agatha’s hair. It was a comfort, a distraction from the words she was willingly let pour from her mouth.
“In a way it kind of makes me selfish because I’m not willing to acknowledge other people's feelings or how I might be affecting them by being this way. I’d much rather appear detached, and laser-focused on my job than let people see the ways it could be affecting me.”
Rio inhaled again. “I act like nothing bothers me when in fact everything does. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you yesterday. I’m sorry for hitting you. I’m sorry for-”
“Rio,” Agatha cut her off. She turned around so that she was on her knees looking up at her. “You aren’t the only one who's in the wrong. You were right, I wasn’t acting like an agent,” Agatha nodded her head willing Rio to understand. “Thank you, for telling me. And I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have hidden from you.”
Rio rolled her eyes playfully. “It’s not like I made an effort to seek you out.”
“But you did. And I’ve done it before, remember, the night you found out about Nicky.” Agatha placed her hands below Rio’s shorts. “I have this habit of hiding and running. It’s how I survive just like you detach. I’d much rather hide from my problems by physical means or by doing drugs, drinking alcohol, losing myself in sex. It’s easier…safer,” she whispered the last part.
“I’d gotten better at not doing that, but then there was this whole thing with my ex, and I ended back at square one,” Agatha continued. “But I’m working on it, I will work on it. For you.”
Rio felt a smile tugging at her lips.
Agatha got up on her knees so that they were eye level. “I want to make this work…you and I.”
Rio was full-blown smiling now. “Me too,” she whispered. “I want to be there for you…always.”
Agatha nodded and Rio tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
“I have a feeling you’re going to change my life, Agatha Harkness.” And no, Rio wasn’t ready to admit that she already had.
Agatha leaned into the hand that now rested on her cheek. “Mine too.”
The two wives stared at each other, smiles on each of their lips.
“Can I just say, we failed at day one of communicating.”
Rio laughed. “Well, it’s a good thing we’ve got many more to rectify that.”