So, this is pain. Remus thought. He had been sure he of all people would know what pain is. He’d been bitten when he was four. Going through transformations was painful. All his bones breaking, and rearranging was painful.
He lost his best friends at 21. That was painful. They were so young. They were his first source of happiness. Losing that was painful.
The knowledge that the love of his life, his soulmate, was the one who betrayed them all was painful. Oh, that hurt and didn’t stop hurting for years.
He thought he knew what pain was, when he found out his other half had been rotting in Azkaban for twelve years, because of a different betrayal. The moment when he understood that he had been blaming him for something he didn’t do. That he had believed it. For years.
None of that had prepared him for this moment, though. He was not prepared to lose Sirius again so soon, and this time it was definitely permanent. He could never have been prepared for seeing his lover die right before his eyes and not being able to do a damn thing to stop it.
Sobs tore through his body. This is pain. Remus thought clutching Harry to his chest even though all he wanted to do was either run after Sirius just like Harry was trying to do or just crawl in a corner and cry. He felt like he was dying. No, he thought, I’d rather be dying.
He had lost so much time. Remus thought he had grieved Sirius already, when he got sent to Azkaban, but he hadn’t, he hadn’t, at least not completely.
There were so many emotions raging inside him right now – anger, hurt, grief, hopelessness. And all of that together just made pain. So much pain.
And then there was the survivor’s guilt. Sirius had spent twelve years in hell. He finally had gotten out, he finally got at least some happiness back, Harry had a godfather, things were a bit brighter. It should’ve been me, Remus thought.
No one needed him here like people needed Sirius. He had been a ghost since the night when Lily and James had died. And now? How can he survive this? What is left of him? Nothing, he thought. There is nothing left. All of me has shattered.
I might as well have died with him.
I might as well have died with him, because there is no getting out of this black hole of pain. It just sucked him deeper with each second. I might as well have died with him because it will not be living from here on out.
I might as well have died have with him, because I didn’t get to live with him…