Little Brother Blues
There was nothing that could've prepared Remus for what he was about to see. He thought if he could just close his eyes, breathe deeply, and imagine that everything was just some horribly twisted dream, it would feel okay. It did not, in fact, feel okay. Seeing his own body asleep in a bed in front of him was pretty far from okay. The furthest thing from okay.
He watched his own chest rise and fall, which was perhaps a small comfort; his body was not dead without him at least. He traced with his eyes the scars that cut across his face and felt something akin to peace float within him. They were not his to bear anymore. He could look at his own facial features, though they looked so different, so unfamiliar from this new angle. Had his face always been that thin? Was his hair really that unruly, that mousey? Suddenly, he felt the urge to throw up.
But he could not spend the rest of his life watching, in anticipation- there was only so long he could stare and not take action. He needed to know. He needed to know if Sirius was alive, inside his body.
"Sirius?" He spoke gently, from a few meters away. Moving closer to his own body existing without him felt like too much. Yet, he took a few steps closer.
"Sirius, are you in there?" It still ached to hear his new, polished voice- but it downright stung to imagine the body in front of him waking up, to imagine Sirius using Remus' voice. Every part of him felt so false like he'd been homesick for years- the wrongness accumulated quickly. He watched his own eyelids start to flutter.
The beginning. The beginning of what? Something monumental, something that Remus was terrified to face.
A groan, a groan that Remus had heard every morning since he could remember, interrupted the uneasy silence of the hospital room. Remus' body was awake. Remus wished for Mary, and Lily, he wished for someone who knew him, someone who would hug him. Someone to say, "Stop being an idiot, Remus. People don't swap bodies. This isn't happening."
But oh, it was happening alright. Remus' eyes opened and stared him dead in the face. Was this what it felt like to lose all sense of reality? Was this what it felt like to realize that everything you ever loved was gone? Was that all it was? Amber eyes, soft eyelashes, a confused and slightly horrified expression?
"Hello." Remus said and felt like an idiot for not thinking of anything more profound. Terror flashed across the eyes that Remus had only ever seen in mirrors and photographs.
"Oh god!" His own voice said, loudly, and full of fear, "Oh god. Am I dead?!"
"What? No, you idiot."
"WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!" Remus' body lurched out of the hospital bed and ran to the opposite side of the room, as far away from Remus as possible. His breaths spilled hard and fast, his hands were shaking as they ran up and down his- Remus'- body, tears had filled his familiar eyes, "WHY ARE YOU.. WHO.. YOU'RE ME. I'M TALKING TO MYSELF."
Remus couldn't help from laughing, a sadistic, miserable kind of laugh, "Fuck. I'm not sure how to explain this to you."
"I'm dead. I'm dead and this is hell or... I'm dying. Is this a test? If it's a test- I'll fail. Please just let me into heaven, I promise I haven't sinned that much, I'm really a decent guy overall except maybe a few things.. I'll be so good and like.. the model heaven candidate I swea---" He finally paused for breath, "Is it part of hell to turn me Northern?" So he'd noticed his voice, then.
"It's really not so bad to be Northern. Also, you're not dead or dying. You're fine."
"Great, cool okay great. Am I just going insane then? Are you a hallucination?... Seriously- why do I sound so northern?"
"Sirius-- you're Sirius right?" Remus didn't know whether he was hoping for a 'yes' or a 'no'.
"Yeah?"
"Okay. So, I'm not Sirius."
Sirius laughed pathetically, "Well yes, I know that, because I'm Sirius."
"Look, listen, I'm being serious."
"You just said you weren't."
"What?"
"You said you weren't Sirius."
"..." Remus never thought he'd want to punch his own face, yet here he was, "Why are you so calm all of a sudden?"
"I'm thinking I'll probably thrive in hell," Sirius said this with an easy tone, but Remus knew from horribly recent experience that this was not the kind of thing you got calm over quickly. He noted that Sirius' hands were still shaking, that unshed tears filled his eyes, "So if you're not Sirius- not me, I mean- then who- who are you?"
"Remus."
"Haha very funny." And then more to himself, he added, "I'm actually going insane. What's fucking wrong with me?"
"Nothing's wrong with you. We've swapped bodies."
It was strange, how the words felt as though they remained in the air, buzzing with truth. Remus felt that he could reach out and scoop them back up, if he wanted to. Maybe that would fix everything, wake them up from this dream, put them back where they belonged. Sirius reached down and pinched the inside of his wrist, not saying anything. His mind was clearly running on overdrive, and Remus wasn't sure what to expect. There was no handbook for this. No instructional video to tell him what to say. No leaflet proclaiming 'The Best Ways to Handle a Body Swap!'.
Eventually, Sirius looked up, though his eyes were trained on the space just to the left of Remus rather than on Remus himself, "You're not kidding."
"Do I look like I'm kidding?" Remus deadpanned back, gesturing to his body, which was really Sirius'.
"So I'm in Remus Lupin's body.." Once again, Remus watched his hands travel with Sirius controlling them. This time though, instead of going to his wrist, they went to the scars on his face. For a few seconds, Sirius traced the one that ran across Remus' nose, delicate fingers brushing its white edges. Then he sighed deeply, "Fuck. Shit. Fuck-- This is real."
Sirius' face had gone ghostly pale- a pale Remus thought his face had not been able to achieve- and his breaths were escaping him faster and faster by the second. His hand had not left Remus' scars, and a haunted look had crossed his new features.
"Sirius? Are you okay?" Remus asked tentatively, "I know this is .. so fucked, bu--"
"Of course I'm not okay!" Sirius said, sitting up from his slouched position in the corner of the room and turning to glare at Remus (and who knew Remus could look so terrifying), "I'm not in my own body- how could I possibly be okay?!"
Remus' eyes darted to the floor, not wanting to look at Sirius, not wanting to see the anger and the pain that overwhelmed him- that overwhelmed Remus too. It wasn't his fault, but somehow he felt like it was.
"Fuck this shit- FUCK IT!" Sirius lept up then, stalking dangerously close to Remus, who instinctively backed towards the door, "THIS ISN'T REAL LIFE, WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Remus didn't know what to do, except agree, "I know.. it sucks, but-"
"It sucks?! That's putting it lightly." Sirius seethed, "Leave me alone, I don't- I can't see your face right now."
"Can we.. Let's just talk, ok?" Remus said desperately, knowing that he couldn't leave now, he couldn't be flung out into the hospital corridors alone and in the wrong body. What if James found him again?
All Remus heard in response were deep breaths and feet pacing the floor. In. Out. In. Out.
"... okay fine let's talk about it."
Sirius put his head in his hands and slumped onto the hospital bed. Small quiet sobs escaped as tears spilled gently from his eyes.
"How is this real, man?" He murmured miserably, deeper sobs wracking his body, "What about James? The band? Reggie?!"
"I don't know. I don't know okay?! I'm in the same exact fucking position as you. We'll just have to figure it out..." Remus didn't want to say the next word, "... Together."
"Drop dead."
"You first."
Silence filled the room as they both looked each other up and down, similar faces of panic and disbelief etched on their faces. It was the strangest thing Remus had ever experienced, watching his own body, seeing himself do things that he wasn't doing, looking dead into his own eyes. Sirius opened his mouth to say something. He was interrupted by a loud, but nicely tuneful, knocking at the door.
"Sirius! The nurse told me you're in there."
"Fuck!" Sirius whisper shouted, "Reg.."
"Can I come in now please?"
A strange look had crossed Sirius' face, and before Remus could attempt to interpret it, the door swung open. It was indeed Regulus who stood there. His hair was a mess- ruffled and tangled. It matched the red raw look in his eyes and his gaunt face. He'd clearly been worried sick.
"Oh, Reggie!" Sirius lept up from the bed and flung himself at Regulus. In Remus' body, he looked so gangly next to the fine sharp lines of a Black brother. Regulus stood stock still as Sirius pulled him tighter and tighter- like Regulus was his quickly deflating life raft and he was alone in the deep blue sea. In a way, they were. Alone in the sea. The whole world was an unfamiliar sea now, and the connections they had were severed. New false ones had replaced them sure, but still, it felt like they were seconds away from drowning.
Regulus' eyes darted over to where Remus stood. He'd backed away a little, from the strange reunition of brothers. To Regulus, of course, it wasn't a reunion. His broken arm hung limply at his side, the other gently pushed Sirius away.
"Right, well. Good to see you too I guess, Lupin."
Fresh tears tracked down Sirius' face, "It's me! It's Sirius!... C'mon, if anyone can see it, it's you.."
Regulus looked him up and down, a little bit appalled, "Get a grip. Sirius is over there."
Remus backed further away as Regulus pointed at him. Sirius just kept crying.
"What's wrong with him?" Regulus addressed Remus, inching closer.
"I-I.. He--"
Now it was Regulus' turn to cry, "I'm just so glad you're okay!"
"Well just hold on a second Regul--" Before Remus could finish his sentence, he was pulled into his second hug of the day. At least Regulus pulled away quicker than James. He straightened his shoulders, wiped his tears away mechanically, and said, "Okay. We're taking you home now."
"Wait--" Sirius looked desolate and desperate all at once, "Which home?"
"Not that it's any of your business..."
"Which. Home."
"Our parents' house. To see our doctor. He's much more qualified than anyone here."
Remus wondered why Sirius looked so panicked, "No! No, no. He's coming home with me."
"I think you'll find that he won't be."
There was something about Sirius' dismay and a hazy memory of a trip to Sirius' childhood home that made Remus nervous about going with Regulus. He decided to play along. And anyway, if he went 'home' with Sirius, he'd really be going back to his own house, "I will be! I mean- yes I will. I'm going with Sirius."
"What?" Shit! He'd used the wrong name. Regulus had folded his arms and was looking at Remus very intently.
"I meant Remus. Because I, of course, am Sirius."
A small smirk flitted onto Sirius' face, it looked strange with Remus' features, "Yeah. Sorry Reg. Remus- I MEAN SIRIUS- he's gotta come with me. We have.. nuclear powerplant fire things to discuss."
"Don't test my patience Lupin... Sirius?"
"What?" Sirius replied, before remembering, "Oh wait shit."
Remus cut in, "Yes! Hello yes that's me, yes."
"Are you going to go to Remus Lupin's house?"
"I sure am, could you please leave now?"
"What- Sirius... do you know how worried we've all been?! I-I, we've been so worried." It was weird how Regulus seemed to flit between disinterested, uncaring aristocrat and terrified, nervous younger brother. Remus felt bad for him, this must all make no sense. Sirius though, appeared to have other ideas. His face had gone red, that always happened when Remus got angry.
"Oh yes! I'm sure mother dearest has just been oh! So fretful! And poor father! His failure of a son might be dead! The horror!" It took a while, once again, for him to remember the body he was in, "Ah shit I did it again."
Regulus' expression had gone very dark, "Keep my family out of your mouth, Lupin."
"They weren't--" Remus started to reply. But he was not Lupin anymore, "Oh, right."
Sirius replied, "Of course, sorry Reg."
"It's Regulus." Regulus glared at Sirius, "You've both gone insane, I'm getting a doctor."
The second Regulus left, Sirius slumped back onto the bed. He looked decimated. It was hard for Remus to look at him, to see so much pain in eyes that used to be his. He chuckled darkly, and Remus could hear the sadness in it. He was almost glad he didn't have any family members to care about.
"Well, I think we handled that with grace and decorum."
Remus found himself laugh in a similar lamentable way, "Is Regulus going to be annoying about this later?" He realised it was probably going to be his problem to deal with.
"Haha. Yeah." Sirius smiled a little, fondly, "A thousand times yes."
There was a pause. The situation was so strange and wrong and difficult that words just didn't seem necessary anymore. What sentence could sum up the extent of what had happened?
"This is batshit insane." Remus said.
"You're telling me." Sirius replied, "But at least you've got a nicer face, body and hair now. That's a win."
"Oh shut the fuck up, egotistical arsehole."