Too Hot Chilli
By the time Remus pulled into his driveway at 4 pm, he was so mentally drained he could barely tell his left from his right.
Remus' first day as a teacher had started with a sweaty forehead and a forgotten laptop, and the misfortune had only continued. The teacher in charge of his training, Mr. Snape was cruel and unforgiving and had more than a few nasty things to say about Remus' competence and professionalism. In his whiny voice, he had done nothing but complain about Remus all day, and had even gone as far as to suggest the scars that littered Remus' face meant he shouldn't have been able to qualify as a teacher. Remus hated it when people defined him by the shiny white lines, defined him as the guy with the scars, the guy who shouldn't be around children. It was always a punch to the gut when he realized they were the first thing people saw when they looked at him, and Snape had made it obvious that he did not approve.
The welcome respite his first lesson promised was quickly lost when Remus realized Year 9s had absolutely no interest in the tumultuous religious landscape of the Tudor Era. By the end of his 1-hour session, he was at his absolute wit's end, having been the subject of harassment for so long, particularly from a snooty blonde-haired boy called Draco. He was seriously questioning his decision to become a teacher and wondered if he would ever be able to command or even come close to controlling a classroom. He was feeling pretty hopeless, not a single student had taken in a word he had said.
Worst of all, he hadn't been able to get Sirius bloody Black out of his head all day. When the headmaster Mr. Dumbledore asked him how his morning had been, Remus immediately thought of Sirius holding his bass in that grimy room, and then, of young Sirius- the Sirius who had belonged to Remus that was clean and perfect, intelligent and loving. When he sat alone at lunch, he cringed at his actions, and felt guilty about the destruction of the amps- at the very least, Marlene hadn't deserved that, and poor Regulus... Remus hated his impulsivity, and yet it was a trait within him that only seemed to emerge when Sirius was around. When Draco laughed at him and mocked him, Remus thought of that summer night in June when Sirius had irreparably ruined his relationship with Remus, and Remus' own face. The emotions felt raw and untethered like they'd burst out of Remus at any moment, like the betrayal had only just happened.
So as Remus pushed open his front door, and was greeted by a loud shouting match, he felt he could barely keep it together. The one day he had wanted to come home, hide his face beneath his bed sheets and go to sleep, the one day he'd needed quiet and a comforting conversation with Mary (his favourite housemate). And instead, Mary was hissing, "I don't fucking care!" angrily at another girl who Remus realised with a sinking feeling was Marlene from next door. Marlene, Sirius' friend, the girl whose amp he'd destroyed only hours before. Great.
Her blonde hair was tied up in a messy ponytail and her cheeks were stained red with indignation. Remus was pleased to notice that she was wearing a shirt this time, some vintage hippy wide sleeve monstrosity that somehow suited her perfectly.
"Mary!" She exclaimed, "It's the most important gig of our LIVES, and he ruined it..."
"Well that's hardly Mary's fault is it?" Remus called over, approaching slowly, watching as both their heads whipped around. He hated that Mary had been put in a difficult position because of his actions, that she was facing the consequences of his stupid rivalry with Sirius. Of course, she'd be kind about it later, murmur quietly that she didn't mind, that Remus was her best friend and she would do whatever it took to protect him. But right now, she was angry and it was his fault.
"No, exactly. It's not my fault." Mary said, "This is actually none of my business at all, Marls."
Marlene rolled her eyes, "He's your friend. Talk some sense into him please." Without waiting for a reply, or even an affirming glance from Mary, she stormed out of the room. Though she paused for a brief moment in order to glare at Remus, looking him up and down in what could only be disgust.
"Fix this, Lupin. And for the love of God, just leave Sirius alone."
Leave Sirius alone? Remus furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Wasn't it Sirius who should be leaving him alone? Wasn't he the victim, covered in scars, forced to live next door to the man who had helped put them there? His heart lurched dangerously with this new perspective that Marlene had thrust upon him- that Sirius was a victim too. And wasn't that a valid assessment? Remus had broken his expensive equipment and his brother's arm just that morning. For years, he had thrown insults, horrible insults, and at times, punches too. At once, Remus' stomach felt very queasy and he looked over at Mary, quiet anger burning behind her eyes. The door banged shut, hinges squealing.
"When will this end, Remus?" Mary asked, walking over to the brown leather sofa Remus was hovering nervously next to. She gestured for him to sit, and he did, legs wobbling.
"I don't know.." And it was the truth. How could he say in all certainty that he could ever forgive Sirius?
"I thought it was just this stupid, weird rivalry thing- but it's eating you up isn't it?" Remus nodded, not meeting her gaze. "The band have this really important show tonight, babe. Some party at an abandoned nuclear warehouse, which is... strange."
Remus chuckled, "Random, yes."
"But there's this like.. producer who's gonna be there and he basically told Black personally or something that if he's impressed he'll sign the band." Mary sighed in frustration, "Marlene says you gotta buy them new amps and you gotta play the drums for them. As like, penance for your crimes."
"Since when were you so fucking close with McKinnon?! And also I'm not fucking doing that shit." For one, Remus couldn't play the drums. For two, Remus did not have the funds to buy expensive equipment. For three, Remus still hated Sirius with a burning passion and would absolutely under no circumstances help him out.
"Remus..."
"I mean it. Why the fuck would I help Sirius?! He fucking ruined my life when I was a kid. I have scars forever and it's his fault!" Remus countered, feeling anger flare in his chest, fresh and intense as ever.
Mary's soft gaze hardened, "Jesus Christ Remus, were you aware that actions have consequences or were you just hoping you could play the victim card your whole life!?"
"Mary! You know what he did!"
"Yeah, and I also know what you've done." The frustration fizzled out of her, some understanding flaring within her as a few tears speckled Remus' vision. She lay a hand on his knee, "And you gotta fix it, babe. It's not like it's particularly hard."
"It's expensive..." His wallet was already sobbing at the price tag of two brand new amps.
"Just treat this as like drawing a line under all the Sirius stuff, ok? Go to the party, mess about on the drums for a bit and then never speak to him ever again. Easy."
They sat in silence for a while as Remus turned her words over in his mind. It would be nice if everything was as simple as Mary was suggesting. Just picturing a life free from Sirius Black and memories of the past felt soaringly peaceful- he saw himself relaxed, all the knots of his pain unraveled and done away with. He imagined his mother, who had insisted on allowing Sirius to rent the right half of her semi-detached property waking up to his evil, loving Remus first. But that was where the dream ended- how could he get over Sirius if he lived in the house next door?
"One problem." He turned to Mary who was looking at him worriedly (God, he was sick of people being worried about him), "We're next-door neighbours."
"Just try your best Remus." She sighed, standing up, looking down at him now, "It's all you can do. But from where I'm standing, your insistence at keeping this Sirius-hatred alive is hurting you more than it's hurting him."
"Yeah... you're right. As fucking usual." Remus smiled and was pleased when Mary returned the gesture.
Mary was already starting to walk away as she called over her shoulder, "So I can tell Marlene you'll be at band practice at 8 with new amps ready for the party at 11?"
"Sure, yeah, whatever. And Mary seriously, since when were you and Marlene friends?"
She paused her ascent of the stairs as a wistful look passed over her face, "I don't know, babe. She used to take the same course as me at uni before she dropped out."
"Weird. Like two worlds colliding."
They both chuckled. "Ok weirdo, I'm going to my room but I'll see you for dinner."
---
Dinner, in Remus' household, was an extremely important event. Though, of course, this was not Remus' decision but a collective one on behalf of all of his other housemates.
"We're all so busy all the damn time." Frank, (Remus' friend from teacher training, lover of true crime and cop shows, outgoing and compassionate) had complained once over an abandoned game of Monopoly, abandoned because Mary had been called out to cover a shift.
Remus had nodded, "Yeah, it sucks. Sometimes I think I forget what Alice even looks like." (Alice, girlfriend of Frank, extremely dedicated PhD student, final housemate)
"Always holed up in her room working on her thesis, that one." Frank had smiled, but it was short-lived, "Seriously though, Remus mate, I'm getting fucking lonely."
"I'm literally always here."
"And I love ya, I do, but you're a man of few words and even fewer emotions."
Remus had swallowed that particular character reference angrily, "Can't argue with that."
"I don't know, I feel like we should find a way to spend more time together- as a group."
"Yeah, maybe."
The conversation had ended there, but Remus had been surprised to find that the next evening Mary had all but dragged him kicking and screaming to the kitchen at 6pm on the dot, where he was even more surprised to find a full roast dinner and Frank and Alice sat at the table. From then on, every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday they'd all had dinner together, each of them assigned a different day to cook. At the arrival of Lily to the household, Frank had taken it upon himself to draw up a complex rota and as luck would have it, that particular Monday, Remus was required to cook.
He was never particularly good in the kitchen, and with his head filled to bursting with thoughts of Sirius and nerves at having to learn to play the drums in 3 hours, the chilli he'd attempted to make had gone really rather badly.
"Remus, mate." Frank had said, about 4 bites into his clumpy rice and watery chilli, nose running, brow sweating, eyes watering, "How much chilli powder did you put in this?"
Lily coughed into her palm, groaning and fanning the inside of her mouth as Remus tried to remember.
"Uhm... I might have been a bit distracted when I was doing all the flavouring.."
"No shit!" Alice burst into laughter causing Mary to snort the milk she was downing out of her nose, "This is practically inedible!"
"I know..." Remus replied, dejected, his own mouth burning.
Lily smirked, "Bet you all a tenner that I can finish it first."
"Oh, you're so on!" Mary cheered, shoveling a heaped spoonful into her mouth, grimacing.
"Oh no, you don't!" Alice loaded an even bigger spoonful into her mouth.
"Guys guys guys don't even try." Frank said around a mouthful of Remus' fiery concoction, "Men have stronger tastebuds so me and Remus have got this in the bag."
"Shut the fuck up Frank," Lily laughed, the plate in front of her already half empty.
"Dude, that's not even true and you have to listen to me because I'm a scientist," Alice said, jostling shoulders with Frank as a tear spilled out of his eye.
"Also," Mary added, "Remus' plate is completely full."
"So based on scientific evidence...."
"OKAY!" Remus said, quite loudly, and proceeded to lift the plate up to his mouth and pour its entire contents into his mouth. Immediately, his mouth screamed in agony, and a bit of sauce dribbled down his chin as he struggled to swallow the spicy food.
Frank whooped, "The men have won it again!"
"Hold on...." Mary said, and it was as if she'd read Remus' mind because the next second, he'd spat all the chilli back onto his plate, heaving and groaning. Everyone broke out into hysterical laughter, Lily chuckling, "That was absolutely disgusting, Remus!"
"Don't die before your big performance tonight!" Mary sniggered, wiggling her eyebrows.
Remus groaned, "Oh god, don't remind me..."
"What? Remus performing? I thought that'd be impossible!" Alice said, still shoveling chilli into her mouth, Frank and Lily close behind her. Mary had seemingly given up, cradling her glass of milk and staring at Remus with a complex expression. Undoubtedly, she was worried but trying to find amusement in the situation.
"Yeah, he's playing drums for Black's band tonight."
"Mate, WHAT?!" Frank's fork clattered onto the table, "Archenemy Sirius Black?!"
"Sirius Black?! The guy who bull-"
"-Yes! That Sirius Black!" Remus said, exasperatedly cutting Lily off, "I accidentally broke his drummer's arm so now I have to fill in for him. It sucks."
"But we're finding the positives in the situation, right Remus?"
"Yes Mary, we are." Remus sighed, "Which reminds me, I've gotta go buy some equipment for them."
Lily furrowed her brow, mouth stuffed with one of her last few bites of chilli, "Want me to come with? I physically can't eat more chilli."
"Loser," Frank said jokingly as Remus nodded and he and Lily got up to leave.
As Remus was tugging on his old stained converse shoes just beside the front door, a whoop of celebration from Alice came from the kitchen followed by a shout of, "The GIRLS have won it! Suck it, Frank!"
Lily chuckled, shrugging on her coat and fumbling with the keys- the lock was very old and it always took a few tries to twist the key inside.
"Thanks for coming by the way," Remus said, as Lily swung the door open and they stepped out into the already dark evening, the crisp smell of autumn nights washing Remus clean and allowing him to properly breathe, "Don't think I'd do so good alone right now."
"No worries, and good luck for tonight- you'll do great." Lily scuffed the heel of her brown boots on the pavement as they began ambling towards the town centre (which would only take about 10 minutes, but always felt like a drag.) She linked her arm with Remus' and smiled, "Hey Remus, you'll see Potter tonight, right?"
"Ugh, yes I will, thanks for the painful reminder."
She rolled her eyes playfully, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a pair of small red-handled scissors, the kind Remus' students used in lessons that could hardly cut paper, "Give him these will you?"
"Sure, Lily, but.."
"No questions!" She tossed her bright auburn hair over her shoulder and leaned into Remus, teeth chattering. It was a very cold night, and Remus desperately hoped that the music shop would still be open, he'd made sure to check and their website said they were open until 8:30 but he couldn't stop the panic spreading through him.
"Onto the music shop!" Lily called delightedly, laughing in the autumn breeze, and Remus couldn't help but laugh along with her. It was times like these he was so thankful for his friends, even more thankful that Mary had invited Lily to come to live with them- in just a few days she'd already become such a positive part of his life with her ambitious wit and unbridled joy for life. Also, she'd revealed herself to be an absolutely fantastic chef.
"Ah! I never want anything to change!" He sighed into the wind, and if only he knew what was awaiting him in just a few hours...