Once, there was a girl who went to Hogwarts. But she wasn’t really a girl. No, Matilda Darling didn’t feel like a girl. But she had to be, right?
“Matilda! How’ve you been?” James Potter, back from Christmas break, always loud and overbearing. She smiled, letting him throw his arm around her shoulder and squeeze her shoulder lightly.
“Oh you know Potter, same as always. As long as we’re going forward, who cares how we do it?” James let out a laugh laugh, dropping his arm, the infamous grin on his face.
“God stop being so insightful, we’re only first years! You make me feel dumb.”
“Well that’s because you are.” A boy, slouched against the wall interjected. James raised his eyebrows. “Lupin.” The tall boy stuck out his hand. “Remus Lupin. Pleasure to meet you.” James looked him up and down, the boy’s scruffy robes hanging off his bony shoulders, a scattering of scars decorated his face. After half a moment of contemplation, James’ genuine smile broke out on his lips.
“I like this one!” He took Lupin’s hand and yanked him forth into a bear hug, the taller having to bend over slightly to accommodate the height difference. Matilda smothered a chuckle in her throat, biting her cheek as she saw the taller boy awkwardly return the embrace.
“Alright Potter, let him go, you’ve known him all of three seconds.” James let go, still smiling that beautiful smile. “Matilda Darling. He’s James Potter.” She shook his hand, giving her effort to make him comfortable. “Terribly sorry about him, he can be a bit much, you’ll get used to it eventually.”
“I can see that.” Lupin’s smile was perfect, the kind of smile that would make girls squeeze their thighs together, make boys’ hearts flutter, but it warmed the coldest depths of your being, and it felt like home. She smiled back, and he noted the sharp canines and the full lips that made up her lopsided grin. Both brains taking in the small details, their observant qualities seeing every small detail.
They broke apart, when James yelled aloud. “Sirius!” And ran the corridor to his best friend. The two chuckled, and walked after James.
“James. There’s something I want to speak with you about.” Matilda knocked lightly on the wooden door, a smile on her face. James saw the nervousness in her details and fretted immediately.
“Of course.” he smiled, trying to add some comfort to the poor girl’s nerves. He followed the girl to the common room. He was transfixed on the way her curls bounced about, just as he always did, the light bouncing off the bouncy locks adding the golden shimmer the boys of Gryffindor oh so adored. They sat in a secluded corner, but barely anyone was down at that time, most people spent their evenings out by the Great Lake in the summertime.
Matilda’s leg bounced up and down with anxiety. James placed his hand in her knee, shifting to make eye contact. “What? You can tell me anything. You’re my best girl!” He grinned, circling his thumb on her knee. She took his hand off her knee.
“That’s the thing James. I- I don’t. I just d-don’t want. Uhm. Ijustdontwanttobeagirl.” he stuttered out, his confession coming out all in one breath. His eyes fixated on his lap.
“Well, that means you’re my best boy then!” His head shot up at James. “Now, are you still Matilda? Or is there a new name for the new boy?” The lopsided grin broke out on his face, his eyes welling up. That feeling, that he had searched for, that feeling of being accepted. These feelings, that he was a boy, just needed the acceptance and confidence of his lifelong best friend. He felt so warm, so complete, even if it was just for that small fragment of time. James saw it, saw the emotion building up in his friend’s face and pulled him in for a hug. James had never held onto someone so tight, neither had the new boy. Their hands just grasping onto anything holding each other so close and that sent Matilda into tears. He sobbed into James’ shoulder, still smiling, grasping onto that moment, savouring it, grabbing every detail and stuffing it into his brain in memory forever.
“It’s Matticus. I want to be Matticus.”