Chapter 24
James stands across the room, watching as Sirius paces back and forth, anger bleeding into the air. He can’t do anything, afraid that if he speaks he will say the wrong things. “James,” Sirius says angrily. “My brother?” Sirius scoffs. “What the fuck?”
James feels his eyes sink shut before opening to stare at Sirius. “I know.”
“Do you?” Sirius asks, eyes so full of betrayal that it hurts for James to even look at. James does know that they went around this whole thing the wrong way. But is it so wrong if he doesn’t feel completely sorry? He’s eternally sorry for Sirius being hurt and that he caused it. But sorry for having Regulus?
Never.
“Sirius,” James starts, eyes apologetic. “I am sorry, I know it’s– But I can’t deny the fact that he’s helped me, that I care for him–”
“Bullshit–” Sirius cuts in harshly.
But James just shakes his head adamantly, needing Sirius to know that this wasn’t an impulsive decision or something he plans on quitting. “No. No, it isn’t. He cares for me too. And I’m not saying this to tell you that you shouldn’t be mad because you have every right to be.”
“I don’t care if you two were married and adopting two kids,” Sirius replies coldly as if he doesn’t care about anything James just said. And, well, apparently he doesn’t. “I don’t care. That doesn’t warrant you to lie to me, or sneak around, or keep secrets from me.”
James nods, unsure of what to say. From the very beginning, he was unsure of how he could balance Sirius and Regulus. He’s never known how. He didn’t entertain the idea of not having one or the other, he knew he’d have both. He just didn’t know how.
“I’m happy, Sirius,” James urges, trying so hard for Sirius to see his side of this whole thing. “Happier when I’m with him. He’s happy with me too, and I need you to understand that.”
“How many people know about this?” Sirius asks, his jaw clenching, eyes burning holes through James’ skin.
James can’t look at Sirius while he speaks, he can’t bear to see all the pain that he’s carrying with him, so he stares at the floor. “All of Regulus’ friends.” James sighs, biting the corner of his mouth. “And Peter and Remus.”
Sirius laughs cruelly. “Oh, this just keeps getting better and better. Everyone here, in this room the other night, knew about this? And nobody bothered to tell me?” Sirius paces around the room some more. “And, what, I’m just supposed to be okay with that? Just because you’re happy? You know, those two things aren’t mutually exclusive, you could’ve told me and I’d learn to be…okay with it,” he says unconvinced, with his voice rising with each second. “It’s the fact that you made everyone hide it from me.” Sirius stops to stare at James, raising a finger to point at him. “It’s the fact that you lied to me.”
“Sirius,” James says quietly, eyes flickering to the bed where Regulus is still sleeping, trying to keep things quiet for Regulus’ sake. “It’s–”
“No!” Sirius scoffs and looks at James again like he has no idea who he has become. “I thought you were someone I could trust. I even told–” his voice cracks, and his eyes water, causing an ache to spread throughout James’ chest, all the way towards his heart. “I even told Regulus that you would never make me cry, that you’d be there for me through everything.”
“You can trust me,” James begs. “I swear, I’m not going anywhere.”
“And–and god, everything makes sense now,” Sirius says suddenly as if he’s not even hearing a thing James is saying, only existing in his own world. “That night I fought with Regulus and the way you were silent when I talked poorly of him, the way you kept urging me to keep trying.”
James watches as Regulus appears, as he timidly watches Sirius and James from afar. Despite everything, just seeing him there puts a small smile on James’ face, and he tries to appear calm and reassuring whenever Regulus finally looks at him, trying to tell him that everything is going to be fine. “Sirius,” Regulus says softly, his brother’s head snapping over to him.
“What?” Sirius asks with a growing annoyance.
“Don’t say anything you’ll regret,” Regulus tells him, the two staring at each other as if they’re having a conversation. It ends with Sirius shaking his head and Regulus sinking his eyes shut in defeat.
“This is bullshit,” Sirius tells them both harshly. “How long has this even been going on, right under my nose?”
“Few months,” James answers immediately, watching as Sirius grows more and more upset with them. “Regulus wanted to tell you,” he blurts out suddenly, needing to make sure that Sirius knew that, needed them two to be alright even if it makes Sirius hate him more. “He wanted to as soon as we made it official, but I kept pushing it back.”
“James,” Regulus warns, shaking his head slightly when James looks at him.
“It’s true,” James urges, only looking at Sirius who’s just looking at the floor with furrowed eyebrows. “I wanted to wait, I was the one–”
“Stop talking,” Sirius interrupts, voice suddenly full of ice, finally looking at James with so much anger flaring in his eyes that James closes his mouth promptly. “Listen to me, I don’t want to see you. I don’t even want to hear your voice. We will get my brother out of that house in three days, after that, I don’t want anything to do with you.” Sirius releases a breath, maintaining eye contact with James, breaking his heart with every single word.
“You don’t mean that,” James says softly, needing what he says to be true. Sirius is kidding.
He has to be.
“I mean it,” Sirius stresses, nodding adamantly, something he's decided this instant, something he's set on, “and if you want to kick us out, then–”
“I’m not gonna kick you out,” James interrupts, his voice all shaky and quiet, and James has no idea how he’s even able to speak past the lump in his throat that keeps on growing.
Sirius nods and he blinks harshly before finally taking his eyes away from James to look at Regulus. “Fine. Regulus, go pack your bags.”
Regulus glances at Sirius before looking at James, biting the corner of his mouth anxiously. “Give me a moment, yeah?”
Sirius rolls his eyes and mutters something under his breath before he walks out the door, slamming it shut behind him. James slowly moves his eyes to look at Regulus, anxious to know what he's thinking about. Regulus looks at him with furrowed eyebrows, as if he’s assessing James. “What?” James asks quietly, smiling to reassure Regulus that he’s fine, even though he’s incredibly far from it.
Regulus slowly walks over to him, moving his hair out of his eyes tenderly. “He doesn’t mean it. I swear.”
James winces at the reminder even though it hasn’t left his mind and lets out a weak laugh. “Sounds like he does, Reg.”
“He’ll forgive you,” Regulus urges. “Of course, he will. It’s you.”
James just shakes his head, feeling horrible. The look on Sirius’ face won’t leave his mind, and it’s all he can think about when he closes his eyes, all he can hear is Sirius saying he wants nothing to do with him on repeat. Over and over and over again. “Exactly. It’s me. And I did this to him, instead of listening to you and telling him sooner. I betrayed his trust, and I deserve whatever he says or does to me.”
Regulus brings their heads together until he can plant a gentle kiss in James’ hair. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers. “I knew I wasn’t worth this trouble.”
“It’s fine,” James tells him, showing Regulus a soft smile that he has to work extra hard to put on his face. “I’ll be fine.”
Regulus gives him a saddened look before Sirius pounds on the door and shouts. “We don’t have all day! Let’s go, Reg!”
“It’s really not fine, James, but we’ll figure it all out soon,” Regulus whispers, staring at him so intently that James thinks he believes him slightly. A part of James thinks he will forever believe anything that Regulus tells him when he stares at him like that.
“Mother’s not going to like it if you’re late!” Sirius shouts again, and Regulus stiffens in his arms at the mere mention of his mother. Dread spreads through James like a sudden forest fire, and he doesn’t ever want to let go of Regulus, doesn’t think he can.
“Don’t leave,” James says petulantly, selfishly, even though he knows that it’s impossible for Regulus to stay with him. He just wants to ask, just wants to make sure that it’s not an option. “Would you stay with me?”
Regulus kisses his forehead ever so gently. “If I could.”
“And you’re going to be alright?” James asks quickly, knowing that they’re running out of time, he can feel it slipping through his fingers, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it, he can’t slow it down. “And you know the whole plan?”
Regulus kisses his lips, effectively shutting him up and easing his fears just a little. “I’m going to be alright. And I know the plan like the back of my hand. Don’t worry about me.” Regulus smiles up at him sweetly and looks up at him, looking so calming and carefree. James can’t even imagine what will happen if he gets hurt.
There’s so much James wants to say, so much that the words won’t form into anything coherent. And with one more knock on the door, they know Regulus has to leave. James holds him for a moment, reminding himself that it’s going to be fine. But he can’t stop his mind from thinking back to everything Sirius told him about that place, every curse, every spell they used on their children, every insult, every object thrown. James hates that he can’t stop Regulus from going back there, and can’t stop him from going through the same thing Sirius did.
“See you soon, James,” Regulus whispers.
“Yeah,” he whispers back, love unfurling in his chest, despite the raging fear and loneliness he’s bound to feel without Sirius or Regulus, “see you soon.” James waits a few seconds. “And Regulus?”
Regulus hums in acknowledgement. “Yeah?”
“You’re worth everything.”
Regulus walks out the door, his brother staring at him expectantly, looking unbelievably annoyed. “What?” Regulus asks petulantly.
“Took you long enough,” Sirius comments under his breath before walking with him out of the Gryffindor Tower.
Regulus scoffs in acknowledgment, unsure of what lines can’t be crossed. He doesn’t know if Sirius is angry with him or not. And maybe it’s childish, maybe it’s unfair, but his stomach hurts when he thinks about the idea of Sirius being angry with him. And he doesn’t want to say something that will only make that anger worse.
Almost as if Sirius can read his mind, he whispers. “I’m not mad at you. Not really.”
“But a little bit, right?” Regulus asks, just for his own peace of mind.
Sirius looks at him for a moment, trying to read him. Regulus feels like he did as a child when they were younger. Back then he’d crumble if Sirius was mad at him, just because he never was, used to try not to cry when Sirius shouted at him or got frustrated with him. He outgrew it eventually, didn’t cry, and instead grew to pester Sirius more until he got mad. But that’s different. That’s not real to Regulus.
“I don’t know, Reg,” Sirius tells him finally, looking away from him. “I have no idea what to think right now.”
Regulus feels his throat close up but he just clears his throat and nods. He understands. “Right. Yeah.”
Sirius surprises him by pulling him into a quick hug, a moment of peace that Regulus can't even appreciate before his brother pulls away and messes up his hair on purpose. “Don’t do something stupid,” Sirius tells him.
Regulus scoffs and rolls his eyes as he tries to fix his hair. “Same goes for you.”
“You know everything, right? There’s nothing I need to clarify?”
Regulus rolls his eyes, embarrassingly fond of the simple ways Sirius and James care for him. “Yes, I know.”
Sirius clears his throat. “Well then. Are you completely sure that you know the exact time? Day?”
Regulus quietly laughs and shakes his head in disbelief. “Bye Sirius.”
Sirius sighs and looks like he wants to say something else, but Regulus secretly hopes that he doesn’t. He’s going to come back perfectly fine. He knows this. He doesn’t know why everyone else thinks differently. “See you.”
Regulus goes into his dorm and packs his bags slowly, feeling a pit of dread in his stomach at the thought of having to go back there. He knows that he’ll be able to leave, but having to hear his mother’s shouts, having to act like someone he isn’t, none of that is exactly fun for him. He has to stay quiet. Stay refined. Stay proper. Stay obedient. Stay. That’s what his parents want. And they’ll go through hell to keep it that way.
Barty and Evan are gone, probably already boarded the train, so Regulus heads there alone. He finds an empty carriage and stays there, already missing his friends, missing Sirius, missing James. His heart starts beating quickly in his chest as he finds that the train has arrived at the platform, he tries to calm himself down, but the anxiety only keeps on rising.
Eventually, he finds it in himself to exit the train, trying to revert to old habits that made him closed off, those old traits that made him learn how to become heartless, to pretend like nothing ever bothered him. He keeps his head held high, just like his parents want, searching for them, waiting for them to be standing there to greet him.
All he finds is Kreacher.
“Master Regulus!” he exclaims as he finally finds Regulus. “Mistress Walburga and Master Orion were too busy to make it. They desperately wanted to make it if there had not been so much paperwork for them to attend to,” Kreacher says loud enough for others to know, just so they all get the impression that his parents love him, just so they believe Kreacher’s telling the truth.
“Oh, I’m sure,” Regulus tells him offhandedly, unfortunately, bitter at the reminder that his parents don’t care for him. He watches every other parent around him, watching how excited they are to see their children coming home. They all look so loving, so caring. Regulus hates that it affects him so much, and hates that he feels sad over it.
Just last year, he wouldn’t have allowed himself to be sad over something like that. He would’ve tried so hard to believe what Kreacher said, live with the impression and fantasy that his parents cared for him. He looks to the side and sees James talking quietly with his mum, Sirius standing as far away from him as possible, looking at Regulus sadly like he’s just as disappointed as him. When their eyes meet, Sirius nods as if to tell him that he can do it, telling him that they’ll see each other soon.
Regulus sighs and nods back, holding Kreacher’s hand as they apparate to Grimmauld Place, the feeling of being back there sending chills down Regulus’ spine. He notices his parents sitting at the dining table in silence, doing nothing except drinking out of elegant wine glasses. Busy. Regulus could scoff.
“Regulus, dear,” his mother calls out as soon as he walks in, making Regulus uneasy. “Come sit with us. Talk to us.”
Regulus walks to where they’re sitting, keeping every ounce of fear out of his face, keeping everything hidden within him. He smiles at her. “Hello, maman.”
She raises her eyebrows and motions for the chair at the head of the table. “How’s school going? Are your grades as they should be?”
Regulus nods immediately. His mother and father have always hated hesitation. “They’re very good. I was actually going to study as much as I can over this break for the year-end…exams.” he trails off and gets quiet at the bored look on his mother’s and father’s faces and the way it’s clear that they would rather him stop talking.
“You talk an awful lot,” his mother comments while taking a drink out of her glass, staring at him cruelly. “Remember what we always tell you, dear.” She gives him a smile, one that actually makes her look kind and beautiful, one that makes Regulus nauseous. “Your voice isn’t exactly likeable when you drone on and on about pointless things.”
Regulus nods and forces himself not to react. He’s forgotten how it feels to be disliked for having passion. James has always liked hearing him speak about whatever is clouding his mind, for however long he’d like. He only wishes he would’ve appreciated it more even if he always tried to never take it for granted.
“Have you done what we asked you to?” his mother asks. “Looked for a nice girl to marry as soon as school’s over?”
Regulus swallows, keeping a neutral face. “No. I haven’t.”
His father huffs like he expected that answer and gives a disappointed shake of his head. “And why’s that?”
Regulus racks his mind for a decent answer to give, finding nothing. “I’ve been focused on schoolwork and getting top marks,” he answers eventually. “I haven’t found the time for romance recently,” he lies, trying so hard not to think of James.
His mother studies him for a few moments before sending him away with a slight nod of her head. “Get cleaned up,” she calls out suddenly, “we’ll all have a nice family dinner tonight.”
“Yes, maman,” he says back, keeping his voice strong as he heads upstairs to his room. His room is kept tidy, with nothing on the walls, nothing out of place. He was never allowed to have anything, he and Sirius both. Of course, his brother broke this rule often, even permanently sticking stupid posters on his wall.
He closes his eyes as he stands in the middle of his room, wondering how James is holding up, hoping that James and his brother will make up soon enough, wishing he could be there for the both of them.
James sits at the dining table, all alone, biting the corner of his mouth, with no one to talk to. He doesn’t really want to talk to anybody either way, not right now. His mum knows that something is wrong, she knew as soon as her eyes laid on the two boys. She tried to talk to James, but he wouldn’t speak, so she’s upstairs trying to talk to Sirius instead.
He’s nervous. He’s scared that he’ll disappoint his mother when she finds out what he’s done, how much he’s hurt Sirius. He wonders what will happen when she finds out that he’s seeing a boy. He knows that it wouldn’t bother her or his dad, they’ve always told him that they will love him no matter what. But he can't help but wonder if they truly mean it when it comes to something like this, someone like him.
He hears his mum’s footsteps as she walks down the staircase and James has to look at his hands resting on the table, can’t bear to look at his mother. The chair next to him squeaks and he sees one of her hands covering his own, immediately bringing him a sense of comfort that he has missed since being away. “He didn’t want to tell me anything until you told me first,” she says with a soft sigh. “Do you want to explain to me what's going on?”
James looks at her out of the corner of his eye, and he can see how concerned she is for them. He needs to tell her. He wants to. But he can’t look at her when he speaks, he’s afraid that every tear he’s been holding in for the last few hours will leave his eyes if he does. “I started seeing someone. I hid it from Sirius, hid it from everyone,” he confesses quietly. “Lied to him about it and he caught us this morning,” he scoffs and feels his eyes water. “He–he told me that he didn’t want to talk to me ever again, wanted nothing to do with me.”
His mum hums in acknowledgement and he finally looks at her, sees the way she’s paying attention to every word, looking at him with sadness in the brown eyes that he inherited from her. “This person must’ve meant a lot to him.”
James nods. “Yeah.”
She gives him a small smile. “Must’ve meant a lot to you, too.”
James nods again, smiling because he can’t help himself when his mind suddenly supplies him pictures of Regulus’ smile, his laughter, and the way his eyes shined so bright, so unbearably lovely. He looks at his mother nervously. “He did.”
Effie flashes him a knowing grin before squeezing his hands and bringing them to her lips. “I love you, my beautiful son,” she whispers at him, making James throat close up, and causing tears to fall from his eyes.
He nods weakly. “I know.” he gives her a smile. “I love you too.”
“It’s Regulus, isn’t it?” she asks him suddenly, causing James to look at her in surprise.
“How did you know?”
She laughs. His mother’s laugh could probably shake mountains, it always warms James’ heart when he hears it, and it always has. “You are just like your father. Subtlety has never been your strong suit, especially when you really like someone. I caught you staring at him at the train platform, looking worried sick to watch him go.” She messes up his hair. “Can I tell you a secret?”
James nods. “Of course.”
“I think you’ve liked that boy for longer than you think,” she tells him. “I remember watching how interested you were in him when he was eleven and hiding behind Sirius, looking so nervous to start his first year. You kept talking to him, pestering him, and laughing so hard when he’d get angry with you. Sirius had started to get jealous of you giving your attention to Regulus, but you didn’t even notice.”
James smiles at the memory, hating that he’s forgotten about that until now. He wonders how many times his mum saw something that he didn’t, and paid attention to things that he never thought long about. “I still don’t think it was that obvious,” James defends.
“No?” She thinks back again. “Well, I distinctly remember last year, before you left to start your sixth year. Regulus had changed over the summer, and I watched as you had noticed him waiting for the train all alone.” James remembers that now, all the memories flooding back in an instant. He was so captivated at seeing Regulus, and he couldn’t pull his eyes away from him standing there. “I don’t even think you realised the way you were drawn to him in an instant, two seconds away from walking up to him before Remus pulled you away.”
James laughs. “He probably would’ve hexed me if I’d spoken to him.”
Effie shakes her head fondly, chuckling under her breath. “Something tells me that he would never dare do that to you, even then.”
James can only stare at her for a moment, but he can tell that she won’t be elaborating further. “What am I supposed to do?” he asks quietly. “Sirius hates me.”
His mum squeezes his hand. “He doesn’t hate you, Jamie. He’s just feeling a lot right now. Give him some time, let him calm down for a little, and then try to talk to him. All you can do right now is to be patient.”
He clears his throat. “Is what I’m doing wrong?”
His mum only gives him a sad smile. “I can’t be the one to tell you that. But I do think that you should learn to trust your decisions more,” she whispers to him before standing up slowly, leaning down to plant a kiss in his hair. “I think I’ll try to go talk to Sirius now. I love you to the moon and back, Jamie.”
James grins at her, feeling loved and feeling love warm his chest through and through. He’s so grateful of the life he was given, so appreciative of the fact that he was able to help his best friend out of that horrible place he was stuck in, and so hopeful that Regulus can do the same. “Love you too, mum.”