Chapter 1
James Potter was great. He always tried to be a great son, wanting to make his parents proud of him. He was always worried that he was disappointing them, even though both his mum and dad often made sure to remind him just how much they were proud of him every day. He tried to be a great friend to all his friends, even taking in Sirius Black during their fifth year when he ran away from his actual evil and cruel family.
And Lily. Godric. It was no secret that James loved Lily Evans, he could talk for hours on end simply about how bloody brilliant Lily was. He had tried so hard throughout his school years to get Lily to go out with him, never pushing the limits but being a bit childish about it, and it was a bit of a surprise to everyone when she actually said yes, almost 7 months ago.
However, James quickly realized he couldn’t be great at everything, no matter how hard he tries to be. This much was clear, as Lily was having a heart-to-heart about the future of their relationship.
"I don’t understand what I did wrong, Lily. Wh-Why are you saying this?” James can barely recognize his own voice, it was cracking, threatening to break. James just doesn't get it.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Jamie,” the voice that once brought James great comfort, was making him want to crawl within himself. “We just need some time apart. To see others, or explore the world independently. I can’t be the one to hold you back from finding someone else.”
James shook his head, “I can't love anyone else, I only love you, Lily.”
“You can’t possibly know that, James. Not this early in life.” Lily’s red locks move side to side as she shakes her head. “Look, James. Think about it, you’ve never given yourself the chance to be in love with anybody else. I love you James, and I’ll be here if there’s truly nobody else for you. And I’ll still be here if there is.”
Lily had gone a few moments after saying this, her emerald eyes glistening as she walked silently back to her dorm. Leaving James scrambling to pick up the pieces of his heart that she had shattered in mere minutes.
James had sat in the empty common room for a while after that, he wasn't even sure how long he had sat there listening to himself breathe shakily. Once he was sure his friends were all asleep in his dorm room, he made the walk towards his room, collapsing in his bed once he made it in. It was only then that he allowed himself to cry freely when his curtains were locked and silenced and James left all alone.
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James somehow makes it through the next day running on very little sleep, but it takes more effort than usual to keep his usual charm and happiness at his usual high energy.
Because James was always happy. He was the Marauders’ support system, listening to their problems and giving them the best advice he could manage. It wasn’t that they didn’t care about him, James could see their care for him with all the little things they did. Like, how Moony would do his assignments for him when he was falling behind a bit. When Sirius would let James sit in silence when he could tell James needed it. When Wormy would distract James from his overwhelming thoughts by telling him embarrassing stories.
He knew they cared. So, why didn’t he actually feel cared for?
He didn’t feel cared for because even though they did all these things for him, James would deny that any negative thoughts even existed in his mind. And they just let him because it really was simpler for everyone.
Because, no matter how conceited it sounds, if James was off a bit, the whole group was off. So, at this point, it was a bit of a science problem, one that James had no problem in mastering.
He arrived at the table for dinner, after successfully making up excuses to avoid both breakfast and lunch, with a bright, fake smile that would probably fool every actor in the world. “And how are you lot on this magnificent Tuesday evening?” James asks quite loudly until he sees the murderous glares he gets from his three friends around the table.
Sirius lets out a slight laugh, heavy and tangled with frustration, “You tell us, Prongs. How come we had to find out that my best friend broke up with his girlfriend, by overhearing a group of first years?”
James feels his eyes widen. “Well, um, not like I had much time to tell you guys before.”
“Right,” Peter says, rolling his eyes, “yea, you’ve made sure of that.”
“Listen, I really am sorry,” James grumbles, “but the love of my life did just break up with me last night. So please do keep that in mind.” Sirius is about to say something more, James can tell that he desperately wants to, but Remus interrupts him, much to James’ relief.
“He’s right. How are you doing James, really?”
“Honest, I feel fine. Don’t worry.”
“You’d tell us if it wasn’t?” Peter asks, with the faintest hint of worry in his features.
James smiled, even if he felt like crying, “Always.” he says while watching everyone start to relax and move on.
Science.
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The days passed slowly, yet he was doing so much all at once. That Saturday, Sirius had thrown an impromptu party, one that James was not ready for. So, once crowds of people began to trickle in, he took his cloak and snuck off to the astronomy tower. That night he looked up to the night sky and just began to ramble. He talked about everything that was occupying his mind, no matter how silly they sounded.
He was actually just beginning to talk about the intricacies of life after death before he heard a sound, like someone stifling their laughter, from behind him. James turned around faster than he thought he was capable of, possibly injuring his neck.
James looked straight into the eyes of the most infuriating person on the planet, Regulus Black.