Chapter 38
The same can't be said as December ends and turns into January. For some reason, the whole school becomes somber. Maybe it's because the holiday adrenaline is over now, or maybe it's because we have nothing going on until the next Triwizard Task. Which won't take place until the end of February. On some days there is an antsy feeling in the air, like ants are crawling over everyone's skin. Something waiting to happen. Don't know when or how but I wish it would hurry up and happen.
I shift around in my seat, waiting for class to end so I can have some free time. Classes have been extremely boring lately. If there were clocks in the room, I'm sure all you'd hear is the tick, tick, tick of the hands moving. That's how quiet it is. The air is still. And it seems like everyone is breathing in sync. To keep myself from dying of boredom, I decide to finally draw something again. I haven't drawn anything in what feels like forever. I think the last time I drew something, it was a picture of Hermione that I gave to her in astronomy class. I remember she also wanted to scold me for not paying attention.
This time, I decide to draw what the yule ball looked like. I don't really have any colors with me so the image will be in black and white but I don't care. That night was magical enough that it won't need color to represent that magic. I start with two figures. One is noticeably taller, while the other is holding onto the first person. They're dancing and I'm starting to think that I'm just drawing Draco and I. Figure one's hand is on figure two's waist, holding her tightly, possessively. He doesn't want to let her go. Or maybe he doesn't want to let anyone else have her.
Soon, more shapes float onto the page. It's like magic imbeds itself in the drawing. The figures I draw are dancing and having fun. A fun that many wish will last forever. I'm sure that some of them are even wishing that this night would never end, because they are so happy for once. This night was a bright light cast on some very solemn days. It was for me. Now I'm back to feeling like I'm walking on eggshells wherever I walk.
"Felicity?" Someone snaps their fingers in front of my face, making me snap out of the allure of my drawing.
"Yes, Ethan?" I ask, the annoying Hufflepuff boy in front of me, whom is looking at me with a concerned look on his face.
"Class ended." I look around as a slight blush of embarrassment coats my pale cheeks.
"Oh...." I stand up and put my things into my bag. "I zoned out."
"Was it Voldemort again?" He asks worriedly.
I shake my head, which makes Ethan's shoulders sag with relief. "It was me this time. I was thinking about the Yule Ball." He smirk knowingly.
"Which part? During or after?" I glare at him as I stand up and collect my things. I know exactly what he's implying and I'm not going to dignify him with an answer. What happened between Draco and I is not any of Ethan's business.
"During."
"You know, I honestly thought that you would be with someone like Fred." I look at him surprised.
"I mean I like Fred-"
He cuts me off with a shake of his head. "I mean Draco seems a bit too much like....me. Well, maybe worse, but he still seems like me. Even in the movies."
"You two are different." I try to say firmly but fail miserably.
"Are you still-"
This time I cut him off. "No, of course not." I scoff. That would be absurd. I don't like Ethan like that anymore. Those days are over now...They are.
"Whatever you say."
"Ethan, I'm not." I take a deep breath. I wish the ground would just swallow me whole. Why do I feel this way? I'm telling the truth. I know that I am. Especially here. I love Draco, but in the real world....Nope, I'm over him. I am. Then why does my heart burn whenever I see his face.
Now's not the time for an existential crisis. I don't want to think about this right now.
I pull my bag over my shoulder, then head out of the classroom. Ethan follows after me, but I pay no attention to him. I keep my head down and walk to the library where I promised to meet with Fred and Hermione. Hermione wants to practice blocking my healing power. I don't really understand why they want to do that. If they are wounded or injured I'm going to want to help them whether it hurts me or not....I could heal Fred. I know I'm not supposed to change anything but I can't just let Fred die. He has so much life he could live. Plus he has family who will be completely distraught over him dying. I could save him.
I don't know how far I get before I realize that I'm being followed. The only reason I notice is because in a hallway that's empty except for me, I hear two sets of footsteps. So I stop and turn around, finding Ethan who has a smug smirk on his face.
"You really need to pay attention to your surroundings."
"It's hard to tell if you're there or not when other people are around." I quip, even though my argument is pathetic. Ethan smirks before walking up beside me.
"Maybe I need to teach you some things," he says smugly as he throws his arm over my shoulder. I force myself not to tense up as we walk to the library. We have really made any physical contact like this in so long. It feels just as it used to and I hate it, because I know that it will never mean anything more than a thing friends do. Every bit of the real me -the one who doesn't live in this fictional world- wants it to be more, but he's made his decision. He chose someone else. I can't hope for more. I won't allow myself to. I will just get heartbroken again if I do. I don't want that. I don't think I would be able to handle it either.
"You know Draco will fight you if he sees you doing this."
"Malfoy's on the quidditch pitch, practicing because he's been bored."
"How do you know that he does that when he's bored?" I ask curiously. I never thought of it as my business to know where Draco goes when he's not with me, but something about the fact that I didn't know he practices quidditch when he's bored, bothers me. It's not like I've ever asked him about what he does, and he's never brought it up. It's not surprising. He loves quidditch and I'm sure it's been killing him that he's not allowed to play this year.
"I caught him on the pitch the other day." Ethan shrugs as if it's common knowledge that Draco does this.
"I guess I'm not very attentive." I say quietly. He looks at me with sympathy.
"You know how Malfoy is. He tells people what he wants them to know, or if the facts gain him an advantage. I doubt he's one for small talk. He's like that in the movies too." I sigh. Ethan bumps my shoulder. "Maybe start asking him more questions, you might actually get some answers."
"I hate to say this, but you're probably right." Ethan's smirk grows, nearly showing his teeth. Tan dimples bring attention to his blue eyes, which are lit up with satisfaction. I roll my eyes in return. As he looks over me, his smile drops.
"Why did you change yourself so much?" He says with a sigh. Almost like he's disappointed. "I understand that this is a world where we can look how we want, but you changed yourself so drastically that I barely recognized you when you walked into the hospital wing that day Malfoy got hurt." I look at the ground ashamed.
"Do you honestly think that Malfoy or even Fred would like me if I looked like I do in my real reality?"
His expression hardens. "If you did this for male attention, then that's screwed up."
"That's not my reason. I don't like the way I look over there in my real world. I hated... hate looking like that. So I'm sorry that it makes me happier to look like this."
"No it doesn't." He huffs in disbelief. "Don't think I wasn't paying attention last year. You barely ate anything. I saw the amount of times Weasley snuck food onto your plate or dragged you into the great hall for dinner. You still hate yourself even though you look like a stick. And you know what, I'm going to be selfish. I hate seeing you this way." My lips feel like they've been super glued together. And suddenly the air feels like the Sahara desert. My throat dries out. I don't know what to say. I'm at a loss for words.
Ethan sighs and runs his hand over his face in frustration. "I don't know what I'm going to do with you." I smile but it's half-hearted.
"You don't have to worry about me..." I say quietly. "I think being here has helped. I've honestly been feeling better than I have in a long time, despite everything going on." Which I never thought would happen. I thought I'd be stuck in that dark time. I thought my mind would force me to stay there. But slowly but surely, I'm scratching my way to the surface. It's a fight but I think that I'm winning. I hope.
Ethan hugs me. I don't know why it catches me off guard so much, but it does. His familiar scent fills my senses. God, how I wish I could stay like this sometimes. I hate myself for missing him so much, but times like this is the reason I still do.
"We should go meet with Fred and Hermione." I whisper. Ethan nods as he pulls away from me. His cheeks are tinged with a bit of red. I tilt my head curiously. "Are you embarrassed?" I say teasingly.
"Nope." He says way too quickly for him to be telling the truth.
"Mhm sure." I tease as I start walking again. This castle never seems to get smaller. In fact it feels like it gets bigger every time I walk through it. I've been late to just about every class lately. Maybe it's the magic of Hogwarts, or I just don't have as much energy as I did last year -not that I had a lot of energy anyway.
When Ethan and I finally get to the library, I feel like I've walked a thousand miles. The castle definitely grew longer. I remember that walk being shorter. Fred and Hermione wait for us at the back of the library, bickering about one the pranks Fred did on Ron some time ago. Even though I don't say it, I am on Fred's side. Whatever happened, Ron probably deserved it. I'm so glad that he doesn't talk to me. With everything else going on, I don't need his snide comments. He's smart to keep away from me right now, because if I hear one word from his mouth I might just let a hex slip. After what he did to Hermione at the yule ball, I might just do that.
"Ethan decided to come along?" Fred asks with a tilt of his head as he watches me walk over. His dark brown eyes never leave me once, not even as I sit down in front of him.
"Got a problem with that, Weasley?" Ethan smirks as he sits down beside me.
"Not at all." Fred says through gritted teeth. His focus never strays from me. Even as he addresses Hermione right now. "Do you want to try it first?" Hermione nods, turning to me and pulls out some muggle scissors. I look at her surprised.
"How'd you manage to sneak those in?" I ask but she doesn't answer my question. Instead she explains that she's going to make a cut on her palm and I am going to heal it while she blocks my power.
After getting some muggle medical supplies out just in case something goes wrong, Hermione cuts into her skin, creating a fairly large incision on her palm. She hisses in pain, making me grab her hand because I don't want to see her in pain. Warm magic flows from my hand to hers. I never noticed that the magic I use to heal people has a feeling to it. It's strange. Then, I feel the magic start to build up and I realize that it's no longer going to Hermione. She's blocking it. Beads of sweat run down her cheeks as she concentrates on keeping my power away from her.
"You can stop now, Hermione." I say sternly. Hermione lets out a deep breath. The warmth of magic rushes to her hand, stitching her skin together as if an invisible needle was putting her back together. Except this needle leaves no scar. Thank god.
"Can I try?" Ethan speaks up after watching Hermione do it.
"It's very concentration focused." Hermione pants as she inspects her hand. Then she turns to me. "Do you feel weird at all?"
I shake my head. "Maybe because it's a smaller wound that we're practicing on, but it doesn't feel weird. I can however feel when you block it. Or that might just be Hermione. I don't remember feeling anything when Fred did it."
"Maybe some people just have a natural ability to do it?" Ethan suggests.
"I think that may be a possibility." Hermione nods, then hands the scissors to Ethan. I don't watch him make the cut on his hand. I can't. I knew the ways that he would hurt himself. I know that I can't be a hero to everyone, but it always made me sad that he would do that to himself. I gingerly take his hand and start healing his cut. Just like with Hermione I feel my power stop, as if there's a wall between Ethan's hand and mine. I look up at him to make sure if he's ok, and to my surprise he barely looks like it's even bothering him.
Finally, he lets go of the mental block and I heal his hand before he can pull away too quickly.
"Are you going to tell Malfoy about that?" Ethan asks. Fred makes a small grunting noise but I ignore him.
"No, I'm not. It doesn't really matter if I do." Ethan gives me a look that says, "the only reason I'm not calling you out on the lie is because one of us doesn't know what shifting is." I roll my eyes in return. "It's none of his business. Besides, when is he gonna get such a major injury that he needs to make sure that I won't die healing him?"
"I can think of a case." Ethan scoffs under his breath. Hermione gives him a curious look, but Draco walks up to us before she can say anything. "Speak of the devil."
Draco glares at Ethan, but ultimately ignores him and turns his attention onto me. "Wilhite, do you mind me stealing you away for a few minutes?"
I stand up. "Yeah, we were just finishing up." I wave goodbye to the group and follow Draco out of the library.
"You've been missing your occlumency lessons." Draco says gruffly as soon as we are out of earshot of anyone potentially listening.
"I honestly forgot I was supposed to still be taking those."
Draco scoffs. "Yeah, well Professor Snape believes it's my fault you've been missing them."
"Then he can come talk to me if he has a problem." It's not like he's ever been shy about it before. Snape likes to make his displeasure known.
We walk down the hallways, but we don't head in the direction that I was expecting us to. Because of the direction of the conversation I thought that we would be heading down to the dungeons, so that we can go meet with Snape in his classroom.
"Where are we going?" I ask quietly.
"You'll see," is all he says. His cold hand wraps around mine. Something I have to get used to again. It feels odd after barely talking to each other for months. Maybe weeks but it felt too long. It doesn't feel right anymore....I shouldn't say that because I love him and I like holding his hand. It just feels different now.
Draco leads me outside. It's cold, but the sky is surprisingly clear. Orange is starting to bleed into the horizon, meaning that sunset is coming soon. I can't really see where the sun is from where I stand, but I'm sure we don't have long before it gets dark. But whatever Draco has planned, I have a feeling we are going to miss dinner. His face gives nothing away which concerns me. It could be anything. I don't think that I've done anything that could warrant murder. Maybe.....I don't think so.
A few steps more and we start to see the multicolored towers of the quidditch pitch. I believe that I've only been here a few times and that was last when Draco would drag me to a quidditch match. I am not a quidditch fan so I do not have very much reason to come here. The red, gold, green, silver, black and yellow towers cast a shadow over us as we walk up to them. Where I'm standing I can't see any of the Ravenclaw towers.
"What are we doing?" I ask curiously.
"You'll see." Nervousness churns in my stomach. If he thinks that I'm going to try to fly on a broom he is dead wrong. I hate flying. The only reason I got on Buckbeak last year is because I thought it would be cool to experience that. Besides a broom is less stable than Buckbeak is. As long as you don't insult Buckbeak he won't throw you off. A broom could snap in half with too much weight on it or from a lot of use. Plus there is not enough of anything to hold onto. Forget it if you don't have good balance.
I guess Draco notices the look on my face because he turns to me and smiles, saying, "Don't worry. I'm not going to kill you."
"If it has to do with heights then yes you probably will." I huff. He just chuckles softly and continues dragging me to the center of the quidditch pitch. I look around in awe. It is so big that it's almost intimidating. I don't understand how the players can come here and play without feeling overwhelmed. The three large hoops on either side of the oval shaped pitch, tower over you like giants that have been frozen for eternity. The wooden stands circle around the pitch in a way that reminds me of the Colosseum in Rome. But instead of gladiators fighting each other, the stands are for viewing students flying on brooms to catch and worry about three different balls. In the middle of the pitch is a broom waiting for us.
I stop in my tracks. "I'm not getting on that thing."
Draco grins. "Come on, it will be fun. I'll make sure that you won't fall." He extends his hand out to me. Against my better judgement, I take it. He leads me to the broom. He gets on it first then waits for me to get on behind him.
"Please don't let me fall." I say worriedly as I get on and wrap arms around his waist. "I hate flying."
"You got on Buckbeak last year with Potter." He counters as he kicks off and we start soaring into the air. I squeeze my eyes shut. The cold night air hits my face and a shiver runs down my spine.
"That's because as long as I didn't insult him, he wouldn't throw me off. There's not a lot to hold onto on a broom."
"Just don't look down." He laughs. We descend higher into the air but I refuse to open my eyes. I don't want to chance looking down.
After what feels like an eternity, we stop midair. I open my eyes to see the roof of a tower. The Grand Staircase tower to be specific. We're right beside one of the many windows that dot the roof. I force myself not to look down and I press myself tighter against Draco's back. I cling to him like my life depends on it because it honestly does. We are hundreds of feet up in the air, if I fell, I would die before anyone else could kill me first.
"Don't freak out, ok?"
"What are you planning on doing?" I ask as I look at him with fear.
"Just trust me." He moves the broom a little closer to the dormer and places his foot on the roof, stabling himself and the broom. He climbs off the broom as carefully as he can.
"What are you doing?" I grip the stick of the broom as hard as I can to keep myself balanced. A tidal wave of nerves rolls through my stomach, bringing on some nausea. Draco keeps one hand on the broom and extends the other out to me. I shake my head. This idiot is crazy if he thinks I'm joining him. He already looks like he's two seconds from falling down to an early grave.
Draco rolls his eyes. "You'll be fine. We need to hurry before the sunsets." I take a deep breath to steady myself before I take the chance and grab his hand. Like a gentleman, he helps me onto the roof of the dormer and sets me down. He takes a seat behind me and wraps his arms around me. He's the only thing essentially keeping me in place. His touch is the only thing grounding me even though we are miles up in the air.
"Look at the sky." His breath coasts across the back of my neck as he whispers the command in my ear. I do what he says. In front of us is a perfect portrait. One that I will keep in my memory forever. We have a perfect view of the orange sun as it's starting to set behind the mountains displayed before us. The sky is a beautiful golden orange that fades into a stunning hot pink, creating an ombre of colors I strive to have in a painting some day.
Purple starts to fade into the pink. It turns the pink into a richer color, almost like a magenta but not quite. Then the orange disappears and the stars start to dot the sky like little fireflies. I lean my head against Draco's chest, taking him in just as much as I'm taking in the view.
"I love you." He whispers.
"I love you too." I whisper back. He rests his head against my shoulder and breathes deeply. Part of me hopes it's a contented breath. I don't want it to be anything other than that. I interlock our hands, giving him a reassuring squeeze. "Thank you... for everything...."
"I can say the same."
At some point, we ended up back in his dorm. His clothes on my body as we hold each other in bed. The silk covers cover us while giving us goosebumps simultaneously. Or maybe that's just proof of how we feel about each other. He kisses me softly as he says goodnight, like he's excited that I won't be gone in the morning. It feels right. Perfect.....
I run through the hallways of Malfoy Manor. Paintings are scattered across the floor. I have to get to Draco's room. Something could've happened to him. He could be hurt. Or worse.... Oh god, I don't want to think of worse. He doesn't deserve to be punished for what I did.
I nearly run into his door, which is unusually wide open. He hates having it open.
"Just in time..." A snake-like voice his as I turn to look at the scene. Draco is nowhere to be found and I realize that this was a trap. "You will join my side." Voldemort says.
"No." He grins evilly, before lunging at me like a cloud of dark smoke. Before he hits me, everything goes dark.....