Chapter 22
A couple of days go by. Each day feels like a repeat of the last. After Draco and his family left, my mother decided to show me her true colors. Today has been no different. I was told to leave her alone and that I wasn't allowed to have food, after completely berating me for wanting to go to the woods for a bit. I did anyway, despite her protests. Which is where I am now.
I am sitting by a tree, watching some magical and non-magical creature walk by and drawing what I see. I have found peace in this the past couple of days. It gives me some time to myself with my thoughts. Surprisingly, I have been able to gather them together and sort through them. I have decided that whatever Fred meant when he kissed me the last time, didn't mean anything important. Especially since he didn't explain why he kissed me. Not that I think he would if I asked.
I push the thought of his kiss away and look over my surroundings. The forest was truly beautiful. The way the sun shone through the trees made the forest look enchanted somehow. It's beautiful.
As soon as I am done drawing, I stand up and walk back towards the manor. There is no way I can call it a home. It doesn't feel like home to me. Not like Hogwarts does. Hogwarts has all of my friends. Parker, Hermione, even Harry. I miss them all. None of them have written which I guess isn't surprising since I didn't even know where I lived until now. I miss them though. I can't wait to see them at the Quidditch World Cup. Even if it's just for a second.
Three more weeks here, then I get to go to Malfoy Manor. August 8th. That's when I get to see Draco again. The thought of that gives me butterflies in my stomach. Maybe I shouldn't be so excited but I need a change of scenery and it's only been a couple of days.
The walk to the Manor isn't long, but I purposely take forever to get there. There's nothing waiting for me there but a grouch who is hell bent on killing me. I don't even know why. Maybe it's because I'm a half-blood. From what I can see my mother is very much a pure-blood supremacist. That shouldn't be surprising she is a death eater. I've seen her dark mark a couple of times and I have learned that she hides it with magic.
My mother watches as I walk up to the huge front porch. Her arms are crossed over her chest. Let's just say she is not happy to see me.
"You're all dirty." She says with a sneer.
"It's not like anyone is going to see me."
"I am going to see you. It shows the embarrassment you are. Now, we need to go have a talk in the living room." I gulp but nod my head, following her into the living room. She sits down on a couch but I stay standing. I already have a feeling she will reprimand me for sitting down in her presence.
"As you know, the quidditch cup is coming. The death eaters have something planned. Seeing as you can apparate without the ministry going after you, Lucius and Narcissa have asked me to make sure that you get Draco out of there safely. Do you understand?" Guilt twists in my gut as I remember what is supposed to happen that night.
"Yes, mother." I have to make sure that my friends stay safe too.
"The Smith family will be joining as well." I look at her with horror. Not Ethan. I thought I would just be spending time with Draco. Ethan will be there too. "Well just the son, Ethan." Oh great.
"Ok."
"I expect you to be on your best behavior." I nod my head. My mother excuses me, so I go off to my room and lay down.
Two weeks goes by, Ethan's family has practically left him here so I have been dealing with him for the past week. I've nearly punched him twice. Just because he was annoying and because I really wanted to. I did slap his arm a couple of times though. The only upside to him being here is that I at least get to eat dinner. With him being here, she doesn't want to look like she is starving me. Though she only let's me eat dinner. Breakfast and lunch aren't allowed for me.
"We really need to find something to do." Ethan whines, while I am trying to read.
"I think there is a pool somewhere on the first floor. Go over there. You didn't have to follow me here." I shrug.
"Why don't you come with me?" I don't even bother to look at him. I know the face he is giving and I know that if I look, I am going to cave and say yes. But then again, I do want to go swimming.
"Fine." I mumble. I put my book down and head to my room. Then I change into a bathing suit and head to the pool.
I get there before Ethan, so I hop in and start swimming around. The water is warm. Probably because of magic. It's calming. Swimming underwater also helps me get my thoughts straight.
"Why did you write yourself as skinny?" Ethan asks as I surface the water. "You didn't have to. You look good in our real reality." He adds the last part with a blush of embarrassment.
"I wanted to. So that way I can have motivation in my real reality." I shrug.
"Felicity...you don't...you don't need to be this skinny. You look sick because of the way your mother here starves you. You don't even need to change yourself." I look away from him.
"I would prefer to look sick, than to look the way I do in my real reality." I mumble. I dive underwater and swim around. The water ripples around me, letting me know Ethan jumped in. His hand wraps around mine, pulling me up to the surface of the water, and pulling me close to him. We haven't been this close in forever. I look anywhere but his eyes, knowing his little stupid affect on me.
"Don't ever say that again. Please."
"Ethan... I'm not gonna change." His words reminded me of Fred's and I hated it. I hate to know that he is probably right too. I push away his words and pull away from him, going back underwater so I don't have to look at him. He doesn't come after me, thankfully. Though I have a feeling that he is waiting for me to surface.
I stay under water for as long as I can before surfacing. As soon as I am above water I realize that Ethan is saying something but my head is too muddled to understand him.
"Are you actually going to talk to me?"
"There's nothing to talk about." My voice doesn't feel like my own. Not right now. I feel trapped in a corner and I know that Ethan's not going to let me out of it until I tell him what he wants to hear. It feels weak.
"Yes there is."
"What could there be to talk about?" I yell. "You're starting to sound like Fred!"
"Maybe that's a good thing. If I start to sound like Fred maybe you'll listen. People fucking care about you Felicity and the way you are acting is concerning those people who care! The way you are acting feels like you are just throwing away the people who care about you because you won't listen!" I don't flinch. I won't let him know that his words affected me. Maybe he's right but I probably won't admit it.
"Try feeling like a nobody. Try feeling like you could never be loved by someone cause you aren't enough. Try hating yourself every god damn day because you don't look like you are strong enough to do anything. Try having some of your friends not even believe in you because you look weak or just not good enough. Try stepping into my shoes for once and maybe you will see what I am feeling. The anxiety that goes through my head. The reasons I don't tell anyone anything. I don't want to be called a liar and I don't want people to be mad at me." I let out a shaky breath as I get out of the pool and sit down at the waters edge. "Even here I have people who beat me down. I didn't write it that way. I would prefer to be called a stick than a log." I stand up and leave the room, wrapping myself with a towel on the way out. I head straight to my room.
I fell right into his trap. Like I knew I would. I should have just ignored him. I should have just stayed away from him. Fuck. I hate Ethan. He drives me insane. I swear he will be the death of me.
I walk into my room, shut the door and quickly get changed before laying down in bed and staring at the ceiling.
A few moments later, a knock sounds on the door.
"Come in!" I don't hear the door open but I feel the bed shift. I slightly flinch, waiting for whoever it is to talk.
"I've made you feel like that haven't I?"
"Don't start..."
Ethan cuts me off. "I just want to know."
"Yes you have. Saying you would date me and then getting girlfriend after girlfriend. Every single one of them, not me. Yes it made me feel like I wasn't enough." My voice broke. "Don't forget that I had a reminder every day for a couple months of how much of a coward I am."
"I think it's better that you didn't date me." I looked at him surprised. He stared off at the wall, expression unreadable. "Don't look so surprised. I know I'm not always the best to be with. Not dating me probably saved you from a worse heartbreak." I look away and nod my head. He is probably right.
"I've thought about it. My mind knows how that would've ended. My heart does but it doesn't want to accept it. But trust me when I say this. I really hope that you are happy with her. I'm figuring out what to do. What to think." He nods his head.
"I want you to be happy."
"Shifting has made me happy so far. Except for my asshole of a mother here." He snorts at my comment.
"She is a bit of a bitch."
"I didn't write her like that." I say putting my hands up in defense. We both laugh, as he lays back against the headboard.
"What are your plans for shifting anyway?"
I shrug.