Stars Around Scars
Their Nights together used to be the most precious times of the day. But now they could be the hardest part. The nightmares were always lingering to give them each a different kind of trouble. There was no denying the ghosts in their shared room. And all they could do was to weather their storms together.
So on a night like tonight when he jolted and could feel Sirius shuddering next to him, he knew it was going to be a rough one. So he started to run his hands through his silken hair in the way he knew calmed both the man and the dog. After a while he felt Sirius’ heartbeat start to slow. And then he was awake rolling onto his back looking over at Remus with a lost and then slightly apologetic gaze.
“Right here, Love. I’m right here.” He said as he reached for his hand. Lacing his scarred fingers with Sirius’. Still getting used to the roughness of it. He held tightly hoping to anchor him back down.
There was a silence. Not painful or awkward, just one they each had become used to, when they were alone for so long. So they lay in their thoughts.
Then he heard a whisper, “Moony, Tell me a secret…” he gave him that shy, pleading look of his…
Suddenly they were 16 again: exploring each others bodies and souls behind the velvet curtains. Fumbling with their mouths and their words. But always, always there for one another through all of their pain and elation.
Remus wished they could go back and be those boys again, tangled together listening to Bowie. With a longing ache he knew that they were different now but with time could be a semblance of them-or maybe something better?
So he thought of all the secrets he could share: He knew for sure that he was never able to find the words to speak his deepest secret. That this man laying beside him, who had carefully discovered all of his secrets as if he was the most fascinating book in the world, was his entire reason for being. That Sirius drew the stars around his scars. He was the only home he knew.
There were some he knew he couldn’t share, even if he probably should. How every single moment of their years apart was filled with agony and there were times he stood at the edge and would’ve followed the darkness down. But then that damn mischievous voice would drag him back from Hell.
“I ate that chocolate frog you had hidden in your pocket.”
Sirius barked out a laugh, and Remus grinned, missing that sound more than he realized. Sirius squeezed his hand, “A real secret Moony.”
He turned so their foreheads were touching, looking into those haunted blue eyes that still had a fleck of hope in them. Breathed in and stated simply but filled with everything.
“You’re my Best Friend.”
Sirius looked back, and Remus could see in his face that he was working out all of the hidden meaning of that phrase. And then Sirius lips were on his, kissing him. It felt gentle but there also was a force behind it, as if it contained all the kisses they didn’t have for the past 12 years.
When they finally broke apart, Remus took a daring leap, whispering
“Your turn, Pads, tell me a secret.”
Sirius’ eyes flashed with a bit of fear. And Remus began to regret his stupid curiosity. He shouldn’t have asked, not knowing which secrets they had taken from Padfoot.
“I never let them take our first kiss.”
Remus’ heart stuttered.
“That was what I buried deepest down so they could never touch it. Towards the end, it started to get excruciating to hide. But I wasn’t losing it. It was Padfoot remembering his wolf that kept us here, to get us back to you.”
With that Remus pulled him in as tightly as he possibly could. Knowing from that moment, with the heat of adoration crackling in his veins, he was going to finally give his Sirius all that he deserved.
“I Love You, Sirius Orion Black, with all of my broken soul.”