First kiss
Falling back into routine was easier than Alessia had expected.
After everything that had been said, after the overwhelming conversation that had left her feeling both lighter and heavier all at once, she’d thought things would be awkward. That there’d be tension.
But there wasn’t.
Leah didn’t push. She didn’t bring it up again, and Alessia was grateful for that.
They went back to their usual habits. Cooking together, watching TV in the evenings, bickering over whose turn it was to do the washing up. But there was a shift, subtle but undeniable. Leah touched her more. A hand resting on her back as she reached past her in the kitchen, fingers brushing against hers when she passed her something. Alessia found herself leaning into it more than she probably should.
It wasn’t much, and it never happened at training. There, things were as they always had been, competitive, easy, fun.
But at home? At home, it was different.
And maybe it wasn’t the healthiest thing, to enjoy it while knowing she couldn’t give Leah what she deserved. But it was something. A start.
When she called Ella later that week, she wasn’t sure why she even brought it up. Maybe she needed to hear it from someone else. Maybe she just needed her best friend. Ella picked up on the second ring.
“Finally!” she huffed dramatically. “I was starting to think you’d forgotten about me.”
Alessia rolled her eyes, smiling despite herself. “I saw you, like, two weeks ago.”
“Yeah, and do you know how much has happened in two weeks? Loads. I bet you wouldn’t even recognise Manchester anymore.”
“Somehow, I doubt that.”
Ella scoffed. “Alright, enough about me. What’s going on with you? How’s London treating you? How’s Leah?”
Alessia hesitated, fiddling with the hem of her hoodie. “…Fine.”
“Oh, now I know something’s up.”
Alessia sighed, shifting on her bed. “It’s just…a lot.”
“Alright, spill.”
And so she did. She told her everything. The mess, the fear, the way she’d panicked and run, the way Leah had hugged her without hesitation when she came back. She told her about the conversation, about Leah’s confession, about the fact that she still didn’t know how to deal with any of it.
She expected Ella to be serious, maybe even gentle. But this was Ella.
“Oh my God,” she groaned. “You’re so stupid.”
Alessia scowled. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. Stupid. Thick as two planks.”
“I hate you.”
“No, you don’t.” Ella snorted. “You love me. Just like you love your girlfriend.”
Alessia nearly choked on air. “She’s not my girlfriend.”
“Sure, sure.” Ella’s voice was smug. “She just likes you, and you like her, and you’re all touchy-feely at home-“
“Barely!”
“-but you’re not together.”
“We’re not.”
“Mhm. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Less.”
Alessia groaned, flopping back against her pillow. “You’re insufferable.”
“I’m supportive.”
“Annoying.”
“Encouraging.”
“A dickhead.”
Ella cackled. “Look, I get it. You’re not ready for all that. And that’s fine. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy watching you slowly realise you’re in love with her.”
Alessia went warm all over, glaring up at the ceiling. “I’m hanging up.”
“No, you’re not.”
She sighed, because no, she wasn’t.
“You’re gonna be okay, Less,” Ella said after a moment, a little softer now. “You don’t have to figure everything out overnight. Leah’s clearly willing to wait.”
Alessia swallowed. “I don’t want to make her wait forever.”
“I don’t think she minds.”
Alessia wasn’t sure if that made her feel better or worse.
“Just don’t run, yeah?” Ella added. “You’ve got a good thing there. You deserve it.”
Alessia closed her eyes, exhaling. “I’ll try.”
*
Over the next few weeks, Alessia kept herself busy. Throwing herself into football, into spending time with the girls, into pretending everything was fine. And for the most part, things were. She went to training, she laughed with Katie and Beth, she caught up with Ella and the rest of the United girls like nothing had changed.
Things were good.
Except they weren’t. Not really.
Because no matter how much she tried to pretend otherwise, no matter how much she willed herself to just act normal, she couldn’t ignore it. The tension. She wasn’t sure if it had always been there, simmering under the surface since the night they’d spilled their guts, or if it was something new. Something that had crept in now that it was out in the open that they liked each other.
Either way, Alessia was struggling. She had accepted that she liked Leah. That part wasn’t up for debate anymore. It was still terrifying, still something she wished she could switch off, but she had accepted it. Accepted that she wasn’t straight. Accepted that she wasn’t who she thought she was.
But that didn’t make any of it easier.
Didn’t make it any less terrifying when she caught Leah looking at her when she thought she wasn’t paying attention, when she felt the weight of her gaze from across the room. Didn’t make it any less overwhelming when Leah’s hand brushed against hers as they passed each other in the kitchen, when she lingered just a little too long after bumping into her at training. Before, it was fine. Nice, even. But the deeper she fell, the more intense and real things became.
It was getting harder and harder to avoid, so Alessia did what she did best. She kept herself busy. She stayed late at training, hung around longer than necessary, let herself get roped into extra drills just so she didn’t have to go home right away. She spent more time with the girls, went for dinner, went for coffee, made excuses to be anywhere but alone with Leah.
And it worked.
Until she was home. Until she was back in their shared space, where she couldn’t just pretend it didn’t exist. Like tonight. She stepped through the front door after yet another late session, toeing off her boots with a sigh.
“Thought you were moving out at this rate,” Leah’s voice came from the sofa, light but laced with something else.
Alessia swallowed, forcing a chuckle. “Just got caught up in some extra drills.”
Leah hummed, watching her with sharp eyes.
Alessia ignored it, ignored the way her skin prickled under her gaze, and made her way to the kitchen. She busied herself by rummaging through the fridge, pretending she wasn’t hyper-aware of the fact that Leah had followed her, leaning against the doorway.
“You avoiding me again or something?”
The question was casual, but there was an edge to it.
Alessia stiffened. “What?”
Leah raised a brow. “You heard me.”
Alessia scoffed, shaking her head as she grabbed a bottle of water. “Don’t be stupid.”
Leah didn’t budge. “Am I?”
Alessia exhaled, gripping the bottle a little too tightly. “I’ve just been busy.”
“Right.”
She could feel Leah’s eyes on her, feel the tension thrumming in the air between them.
It was unbearable.
She turned, ready to leave, but Leah stepped in her way. Not blocking her, not stopping her. Just standing there, close enough that Alessia could see the flicker of something unreadable in her expression.
“Less.” Her voice was softer now, quieter.
Pity. Alessia clenched her jaw. “Don’t.”
Leah studied her, eyes searching. “Talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“That’s bollocks, and you know it.”
Alessia let out a humourless laugh, shaking her head. “What do you want me to say, Leah?”
Leah’s gaze flickered, something unreadable passing over her face. “I just-I don’t want you to feel like you have to run from me.”
Alessia’s chest ached. “I’m not running.”
Leah just looked at her. Alessia hated how well she knew her, how easily she could see through the lies Alessia tried so hard to convince herself were true.
She swallowed, looking away. “I just… I don’t know how to do this. To carry on like we don’t…” she cut herself off.
Leah exhaled, stepping back slightly, giving her space. “Then let me help.”
Alessia’s stomach twisted. She wanted to. God, she wanted to. But she was still scared. Still terrified of what it meant, of what it could lead to, of how much she wanted something she’d spent so long trying not to.
So she did what she always did. She turned, muttered a quiet, “I’m going to bed,” and walked away, feeling Leah’s gaze on her as she did. She heard Leah’s footsteps following her up the stairs seconds later. She knew she was coming, could feel it, but she didn’t close her bedroom door when she stepped inside.
She wasn’t sure why.
Maybe because she wanted Leah to follow. Maybe because she didn’t trust herself not to open it again if she did close it. She walked over to her bed, dropping onto her back with a sigh. Her mind was a mess -conflicted, confused, exhausted by the way her feelings seemed to battle against each other at every turn.
Leah hesitated in the doorway. Alessia didn’t look at her, but she could feel the weight of her presence, the way she lingered just for a second before stepping inside. The bed dipped as Leah sat down next to her, and silence stretched between them, heavy but not uncomfortable.
Alessia let herself stare at the ceiling, counting the tiny imperfections in the paint, waiting for Leah to speak first. She didn’t have to wait long.
“I know this is hard,” Leah said, voice soft. “I know it’s scary. But avoiding me like you did before won’t make it go away.”
Alessia closed her eyes. Because, yeah. She knew that. It wasn’t like pretending she didn’t feel this way was doing anything but making her miserable. She exhaled, rolling onto her side, and before she could overthink it, she scooted forward slightly, letting her head rest on Leah’s lap.
If Leah was surprised by the action, she didn’t say it. She just started running her fingers through Alessia’s hair, slow and steady, gentle in a way that made Alessia’s chest ache. Silence fell again. Alessia focused on the feeling of Leah’s hand in her hair, the way it sent a warmth through her that she didn’t quite know how to name. Then Leah spoke again.
“I can give you some space if you need it.”
Alessia’s eyes snapped open, and she immediately shook her head. “No.”
She felt Leah pause, and then, slowly, continue combing her fingers through her hair.
“I don’t want space,” Alessia admitted, voice quieter now.
Leah hummed, like she’d known that answer all along.
“You’re my friend,” Alessia continued. “I like spending time with you.”
Leah didn’t say anything, just nodded.
“It’s just…” Alessia hesitated, swallowing. “It’s hard. Because every time you’re near me, all I can think about is what it would be like to kiss you.” Her cheeks burned the second the words left her mouth.
Leah stilled, but she didn’t pull away. Alessia squeezed her eyes shut. “And that’s scary. And definitely not something friends do.”
Leah let out a small, breathy chuckle. “No,” she murmured. “Not usually.”
Alessia groaned, burying her face against Leah’s thigh. “God.”
Leah laughed softly, but she didn’t tease. Instead, she kept running her fingers through Alessia’s hair, waiting.
“I hate that if you were a guy, I wouldn’t hesitate,” Alessia admitted after a moment, voice barely above a whisper.
Leah tensed just slightly, but she didn’t say anything.
“I’ve accepted it,” Alessia went on, her words coming out unsteady. “That I like you. That I like girls. I’m not in denial anymore.” She swallowed.
“But I’m still embarrassed. I’m still ashamed.” And she hated herself for it. Hated that no matter how much she wanted to just let herself have this, to let herself have Leah, there was still that ugly part of her that resisted.
“I don’t want my first kiss with you to be full of all those feelings,” she admitted, voice small.
Leah sighed, thumb brushing over Alessia’s temple. “I get it.” And she did. She always did.
Alessia turned her head slightly, looking up at Leah, expecting disappointment. But what she saw instead was… relief. Something warm.
“What?” Alessia asked, brow furrowing.
Leah smiled, tilting her head. “You said ‘first kiss.’”
Alessia blinked.
Leah raised an eyebrow. “So you see a first kiss in our future?”
Alessia opened her mouth, then closed it. Because she hadn’t even realised she’d said it. She had been so caught up in the fear, in the shame, in the endless cycle of running from her own feelings that she hadn’t stopped to acknowledge what that actually meant. It meant that she saw it as a possibility that maybe, one day, she could get there.
Leah smirked, clearly pleased with herself. “That’s progress, yeah?”
Alessia bit her lip. It was, wasn’t it? She sat up slowly, shifting until she was facing Leah properly, and then, without thinking, she leaned in and wrapped her arms around her. Leah stiffened in surprise for just a second before she melted into it, her own arms winding tightly around Alessia’s back.
They sat there, holding each other, breathing each other in, and maybe Alessia wasn’t quite there yet. Maybe she still had a long way to go. But for the first time, she let herself believe she might actually get there.