Drinks
Alessia had just stepped out of the shower when her phone rang. She glanced at the screen, heart sinking when she saw Ella’s name flash up. She knew why she was calling. She thought she’d been subtle, thought she’d done a good enough job at keeping things normal, but clearly, she’d underestimated both Leah and Ella.
Sighing, she picked up, bracing herself.
“Tooney,” she greeted, towel drying her hair.
“Don’t ‘Tooney’ me,” Ella shot back. “What the hell is going on with you?”
Alessia winced, squeezing her eyes shut. “Nothing?”
“Wrong answer.”
She heard rustling on the other end, like Ella was shifting in her seat.
“Leah called me, Less,” Ella continued. “Said you’ve been acting weird. Distant. She’s worried.”
Alessia bit her lip, staying silent.
“And I get why,” Ella pressed. “Because I have noticed, and I should’ve said something sooner, but I thought maybe you just needed time to adjust. But Leah’s right, something’s up, and I want to know what it is.”
Alessia pinched the bridge of her nose. She was an idiot. She should’ve known Ella would pick up on it too.
“There’s nothing wrong,” she tried, but even she didn’t believe it.
Ella scoffed. “Oh, come on, Less. That’s bullshit, and you know it.”
Alessia sighed heavily, rubbing a hand down her face.
“I just-“ she hesitated, trying to come up with something, anything, but nothing sounded believable. “Tooney, just drop it, okay?”
“No, I won’t,” Ella pushed. “Because this isn’t you, Less. You don’t just pull away like this for no reason. If you don’t want to talk to Leah about it, fine, but I’m your best friend. You can talk to me.”
Alessia’s throat tightened. Lying to Leah was one thing, but lying to Ella? She couldn’t do it.
“Promise me you won’t tell anyone,” she said suddenly, voice barely above a whisper.
Ella was quiet for a beat. “Less…”
“I mean it, Tooney,” Alessia pleaded. “Promise me. Swear you won’t tell Leah.”
Another pause.
“…I promise,” Ella said, softer this time. “But please talk to me.”
Alessia swallowed, gripping the towel around her shoulders.
Then, before she could talk herself out of it, she told her everything.
The way she’d been feeling lately. The way she’d started noticing things about Leah she shouldn’t be noticing. The way her heart raced whenever Leah sat too close. The way her skin tingled when Leah touched her, even just a casual brush of hands or a friendly hug. She told her about the way her pulse quickened whenever Leah so much as looked at her. The way her body reacted before her brain could catch up. The way she thought -no, she knew- that this was more than just friendship.
By the time she finished, her chest was heaving, emotions bubbling dangerously close to the surface.
Ella, for once in her life, was speechless. “Oh, Less…” she murmured eventually.
That was almost worse than anything she could’ve said. Alessia squeezed her eyes shut. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Ella said instantly, voice firm. “Nothing, do you hear me?”
Alessia shook her head, gripping the edge of the bathroom counter. “I can’t- I’m not-“ She let out a frustrated breath. “This isn’t me, Tooney. I’ve never felt like this before.”
“So what?” Ella countered. “There’s no rule that says you have to know everything about yourself straight away. Sometimes it takes time.”
Alessia let out a humourless laugh. “Yeah, well, I don’t want time. I want this to go away.”
Ella was quiet for a second. “That’s not how it works.”
“Well, it’s how I want it to work,” Alessia shot back.
Ella sighed. “Less, listen to me. This isn’t something you can just ignore and hope it disappears. That’s not how feelings work. And if it is something, if this is real, then pretending it’s not won’t make it go away. It’ll just make you miserable.”
Alessia closed her eyes. “I am miserable.”
“Then talk to Leah.”
“No,” Alessia said immediately. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t,” Alessia repeated, voice breaking slightly. “What if she thinks I’m disgusting? What if she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?”
“She wouldn’t-“
“You don’t know that,” Alessia snapped.
Ella sighed again. “No, I don’t,” she admitted. “But I do know Leah, and I know she wouldn’t judge you. She’s gay too, in case you’ve forgotten.”
“Yes, I know.” Alessia grumbled.
“Talk to her, less.”
“Yeah, that’s not happening,” Alessia muttered.
She could practically hear Ella’s exasperation. “Less, please-“
“No,” Alessia said firmly. “I shouldn’t have even told you.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true,” Alessia insisted. “I just…I need to get over it. That’s the only way this goes away.”
Ella sighed. “Less…”
“Please, Tooney. Just…just drop it. I told you because I couldn’t lie to you, but I need you to drop it.”
Ella was silent for a long moment “…Okay,” she said eventually. “If that’s what you want.”
Alessia nodded, even though Ella couldn’t see her. “It is.”
“For what it’s worth,” Ella said softly, “you’re not alone, Less. You don’t have to figure this out by yourself.”
Alessia swallowed. “I know.”
Even if it felt like she did.
They said their goodbyes, and Alessia hung up, gripping her phone tightly. She’d told someone, and now, it felt more real, and that terrified her more than anything.
*
The pub was lively, filled with the low hum of conversation and the clinking of glasses against wooden tables. It was warm inside, a stark contrast to the crisp evening air outside, and Alessia was already halfway through her second drink by the time she started to feel a little more at ease.
She’d invited Leah out for drinks, suggested the local pub because it was casual, easy, familiar. She needed to do something -anything- to put things back to normal, and if avoidance wasn’t working, maybe leaning into things would.
Leah had seemed surprised at first, but she’d agreed easily, sending her a grin and a teasing, “Didn’t take you for a pub girl, Less.”
Alessia had just rolled her eyes, muttering something about how she was just in the mood for a drink. And now here they were, sat next to each other in a cosy booth, Leah nursing a pint while Alessia stuck to her vodka mixer. Alessia’s body was twisted, leant against the wall so she was facing Leah.
It was fine.
Normal.
Mostly.
“You know, I was starting to think you were allergic to spending time with me,” Leah said, raising an eyebrow at her over the rim of her glass.
Alessia laughed, forcing it out. “Don’t be dramatic.”
“I’m not,” Leah shot back. “You’ve been acting weird.”
Alessia’s stomach twisted, but she kept her face neutral, taking another sip of her drink before answering. “I’ve just been busy.”
Leah hummed, unconvinced. “Right.”
Alessia ignored her, knocking back the rest of her drink in one go.
If she was going to survive this evening, she needed another.
Or five.
Somewhere between her fourth and fifth drink, Alessia started feeling warm, and not just from the alcohol. Leah was sitting close, close enough that their knees knocked together every now and then under the table. And Alessia should have pulled away, should have moved, but she didn’t.
Couldn’t.
It was the alcohol, she told herself. That was all.
That was why she was leaning into Leah’s touch, why her fingers brushed over the back of Leah’s hand a little too often. It was why she laughed a little too easily at Leah’s jokes, why she found herself looking at her mouth when she talked. It was also why she didn’t notice Leah being a little extra touchy with her too. Why she didn’t notice the way Leah’s gaze would constantly drift to her lips before shooting back up.
It was the alcohol. Had to be.
“Alright,” Leah said eventually, grinning as she leaned in slightly. “Are you actually listening to me, or are you just nodding along?”
Alessia blinked, realising belatedly that she hadn’t been listening. Her mind had been too busy running in circles, too preoccupied with the way Leah’s voice sounded, the way her presence felt.
“I’m listening,” she lied.
Leah smirked. “Oh yeah? What did I just say?”
Alessia’s mind went blank. “Uh-“
Leah laughed, nudging her knee playfully under the table. “That’s what I thought.”
Alessia smiled, ignoring the way her pulse quickened at the touch. She needed another drink. She lost count after her sixth. Everything was hazy, the room spinning slightly when she turned her head too fast, and Leah was still sitting close -too close- and it was messing with her head.
She couldn’t stop looking at her. At the way her eyes crinkled when she laughed. At the way she pushed her hair back absentmindedly, fingers raking through the strands. At the way her lips curled around the rim of her glass when she took a sip of her drink.
It was too much.
And suddenly, she couldn’t do this. Couldn’t sit here, pretend like everything was fine, pretend like she wasn’t feeling things she shouldn’t be feeling.
“I need another drink,” she muttered, pushing herself to her feet.
Leah frowned, catching her wrist before she could go anywhere. “Less, I think you’ve had enough.”
Alessia stiffened at the contact, at the warmth of Leah’s fingers wrapped around her skin. She swallowed, shaking her head. “I’m fine.”
Leah didn’t let go. “Less-“
“I said I’m fine.”
She yanked her hand away, a little harder than she meant to, and stumbled slightly. Leah reached for her again, steadying her with gentle hands, concern flickering across her face.
“Alright,” she murmured, softer now. “I think it’s time to get you home.”
Alessia wanted to protest. Wanted to tell Leah that she needed another drink, that she needed something -anything- to numb the way she was feeling. But she was already unsteady on her feet, and Leah was already fishing some cash out of her wallet to settle the tab, and suddenly, Alessia wasn’t sure if she could even make it to the bar, let alone back home.
So she let Leah guide her outside, let her flag down a cab. And as she slumped against the cool window of the car, Leah’s hand resting lightly on her knee to keep her steady, Alessia squeezed her eyes shut.
This was bad.
Really, really bad.