Begin again

Leah had suggested a movie night earlier that day at training, and Alessia had agreed without hesitation. She wasn’t going to let this stupid… whatever it was ruin something as simple as watching a film with her friend. It was just like every other time they’d done this. Nothing had changed.

That’s what she told herself.

So, after dinner, they settled onto the couch, the same way they always did. Leah picked the film, some action thing that Alessia only half cared about, and within minutes, Leah was already running her mouth, commenting on everything that happened.

And, like always, she swung her legs up, tossing them over Alessia’s lap without a second thought, making herself comfortable.

It was normal.

Except Alessia’s entire body tensed.

Leah was warm against her, the weight of her legs resting on her thighs grounding, distracting. And she was in shorts, her skin bare against Alessia’s joggers, and for some reason, that was suddenly a problem.

But Alessia forced herself to relax, shifting slightly so that Leah wouldn’t notice. She kept her eyes fixed on the screen, nodding absentmindedly at whatever Leah was rambling about. Normally, she’d tell her to shut up, at least a few times. Tonight, she didn’t. Couldn’t, because she didn’t mind it.

Actually, she kind of liked it.

Leah noticed.

“You’ve not told me to shut up once,” Leah said suddenly, turning her head to look at her, eyes narrowing in suspicion. “You feeling alright?”

Alessia shrugged, keeping her face neutral. “I dunno. Maybe I’ve just accepted my fate.”

Leah smirked, nudging Alessia’s side with her foot. “Took you long enough.”

Alessia swallowed, forcing herself to laugh, to keep it light.

But her heart was pounding, each beat echoing in her ears.

It was stupid. So, so stupid.

Because this was normal. Leah throwing her legs over her, rambling about the most ridiculous things, teasing her. It was all normal. It was the same as always.

So why did it feel different?

Why did it feel like Leah’s presence was burning into her, like every point of contact between them was suddenly heightened?

She barely even registered the film. She couldn’t focus on it, not when Leah was right there, pressed against her, warm and soft and close. Too close. The second the credits rolled, Alessia shot up, untangling herself from Leah so fast that Leah barely had time to move her legs before Alessia was on her feet.

Leah blinked up at her, confusion clear on her face. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing,” Alessia said quickly, already making her way toward the hall. “I’m just—tired. Long day. Gonna head to bed. Night!”

She didn’t wait for Leah’s response.

She needed to get out of there, away from the couch, away from Leah and the way she made her feel.

Because this wasn’t normal, and she had no idea what to do about it.

Alessia took the fastest shower of her life. She scrubbed at her hair, body, mindlessly shaving her legs as she questioned just how the hell she was supposed to deal with this whole situation. She was twenty five years old, and not once in her life had she ever had any of these kinds of feelings for someone of the same sex. Had she thought some of the women she’d befriended were pretty? Sure. That was normal. Did she admire them? Well, yeah. It was hard not to. Especially when they loved the same sport she did. But that simple admiration had never transcended into anything more.

At least, not until now.

Maybe…maybe it wasn’t what she thinks it is. Maybe it was just a harmless little crush. Everyone’s had a crush on one of their friends sometime during their life, right? Thinking her friend was beautiful didn’t necessarily mean she was gay.

It was a stretch, Alessia knew, especially considering it was a whole lot more than simply thinking Leah was beautiful. But right now, it was the only thing she had. The only comfort in this unfamiliar, terrifying situation.

She ended up standing beneath the water until it starts going cold, perhaps longer if the numbness in her hands and feet was anything to go by. With a sigh, she turned the shower off, grabbing her towel from the hook next to Leah’s and wrapping it around her body. Her skin became littered with goosebumps as she stepped out, and she instinctively shivered as she hurried out of the bathroom and back to her own room.

She all but jumped out of her skin at the sight of Leah sat on her bed, arms crossed, lips quirked, and she subconsciously finds herself tightening the towel around her despite the fact Leah had seen her in a lot less than just a towel before.

Thank you shared locker room.

“Sorry,” Leah shrugged as she stood up, tucking her hands into the pockets of her shorts. Alessia just about managed to refrain from glancing down at her legs that were very much still bare. “Didn’t mean to scare you. Just wanted to see if you were alright.”

Alessia cleared her throat as she forced a smile onto her face. “Yeah, all good. Just tired, like I said.”

Leah raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing her. “You sure? You ran out of the living room pretty fast. Did my yapping scare you off after all?”

“Uh, something like that, yeah.” Alessia laughed somewhat awkwardly as she glanced over at her chest of drawers, feeling more than just physically exposed.

The smile fell from Leah’s face as she took a step closer, and Alessia once again had to refrain herself from copying her by taking a step backwards. “Less, seriously. What’s wrong?”

“Nothings wrong! I’m just tired, long day and all you know?” Alessia attempted to convince, heading to the chest of drawers to grab some pyjamas. Hopefully Leah would see that she was more than ready to go to bed and stop questioning her.

“Alessia…” the tone of her voice made Alessia bristle.

“Leah, I’m fine, honestly.” She turned back round to face Leah, pyjamas in hand. “I just want to go to bed, okay?”

Leah frowned, but nodded, stuffing her hands further into her shorts and taking a small step backwards. “Okay.” She muttered, looking a little hurt. “Night, then.”

Alessia swallowed the guilt she was feeling as she toyed with a loose thread hanging from the shirt in her hands, watching without a word as Leah pursed her lips before turning in place and making her way out of the room. She closed the door behind her, and Alessia dropped backwards onto her bed with a loud sigh.

She hated that she’d upset Leah; hated that she’d hurt her feelings, and she knew that she should probably go after her and comfort her because that was the kind of thing she did. But she didn’t have it in her to comfort Leah right now, not when she could barely find it in her to comfort herself.

But she knew now that if she didn’t get rid of whatever these feelings were, she could risk losing what relationship she did have with Leah for good.

And that was the last thing she wanted.