Remus
“Are you feeling okay?” Percy whispered.
Remus took a deep breath and answered at normal volume, “I’m fine, Percy.”
For the last few days, in Remus’ absence, the kids had spent all their time outside. Remus noticed new bursts of freckles that exploded across Percy’s face, but they were marred with anxious worry. Percy stared at him, and Remus tried to muster all the healthy optimism in his body to show Percy he really was okay.
But Percy wasn’t fooled. He pushed Ron away from Remus.
Remus sighed and settled back into the lawn chair. He was starting to understand children. As much as he hated to admit it, Sirius had helped him realize that everything they said was for a reason. There was always an underlying problem or concern, and Remus was slowly getting better at figuring it out.
He would bet anyone that Percy was so careful around him because of Molly Weasley.
He’d done the math in his head— Molly had spent the majority of Percy’s life either pregnant or occupied with a newborn. Percy had grown up tiptoeing around his mother and silently listening to her complaints. Remus guessed that he treated his mother exactly how he treated Remus, offering to fill a glass of water, making sure his voice was low, removing himself so he wouldn’t be a problem.
Here Percy was, in front of another sick adult, and was infinitely more worried about the adult’s comfort than his own.
“Maybe Padfoot can come out and help you?” Percy suggested.
Remus tapped his fingers on the chair’s arm rest. Below him, Harry and Ron sat stock still on a blanket, waiting for a garden gnome to pop its head out of the weeds. Fred, George, and Missy were creating a bug colony in a sandhill.
“I think we’re doing just fine, aren’t we, Percy?” Remus smiled.
Percy looked around worriedly. “Yes, but if you feel sick, maybe Padfoot can come outside, too.”
“I told you, he’s busy. He’s inside working on paperwork for Dumble… Oh, no.” Remus’ sentence petered off as a flash of black caught his eye.
Missy shrieked and jumped to her feet. "Moony! A dog!”
Remus stood, too, pulling Harry away from a garden gnome. “Missy, leave it! It probably has rabies.”
The dog huffed, pushing its head under Missy’s hand.
Missy cocked her head and stroked its fur. “It doesn’t look like it has rabies. You know, if an animal has rabies, it wakes up in the daytime instead of the night. But dogs are always awake during the day. This dog isn’t rabid, he looks cute.”
“I don’t think so,” Remus said. “It looks… germy.”
But Remus’ warning fell on deaf ears. Fred and George grabbed onto the dog’s ears as it sidled over to the blanket, finally collapsing next to Ron.
“Ew. George, don’t pet it. Yuck.” Remus shook his head and batted Ron’s hand away from the dog’s snout.
The dog gave Remus such a dramatic death stare that Remus couldn’t help grinning. He kicked the dog in the ribs. “I missed you, you old flea bag.”
Missy’s head snapped up. “You’ve seen him before?”
Remus narrowed his eyes to feign confusion. “Maybe? I don’t really remember…”
A sharp crack by the front door saved him, and Lily waved from the front steps. She made her way down the walkway and across the lawn, face erupting in a smile that matched Remus’ once she saw the dog. “Hello, boy,” Lily scratched behind its ears, looking up at Remus. “Do they know?”
“Know what?” Missy demanded.
Remus shook his head, swiping quickly under his nose to hide a smile.
Lily laughed and picked up a stick from the ground, throwing it towards the forest. “Fetch, old boy.”
The dog took off with the older four children at its heels.
Harry pointed, face crumpling, and Lily swept him up in her arms. “Hello, Harry. Don’t tell the other kids the big secret, okay?”
Ron tried to make a mad dash towards a garden gnome and Remus pulled him back onto the blanket.
“How was the moon, Remus?” Lily asked, trying to flatten Harry’s wild hair against his forehead.
“Bad. Bad without…” Remus tilted his head in the direction of the dog. “Without him.”
Lily followed his gaze and gave a small sigh. “Forgive me if I’m a couple days behind, but the last I heard was that you blew up in his face and he made fun of you for being homeless.”
“Yeah, that’s when we last talked.” Remus watched Missy scream with glee as the dog tried to rip the stick out of her hand.
“I’m lost.”
Remus turned to look at Lily. Harry yanked on her red hair, blabbering about something to Ron, but Lily was staring at Remus. Her eyebrows crinkled and he could see the gears in her head turning.
“It’s different, now.” Remus felt his face twitch. Was he still smiling? “Something’s different.”
“Remus. He’s the reason you have to live with Peter and you’re lovesick?”
Remus laughed. “Lily. I’m not lovesick. I’m just… just…”
He gestured in front of him, and Lily frowned. “Why don’t you use your words, love,” she suggested.
Remus tried to compose himself, but he felt like he was on fire, and he was positive Lily could tell. “Before— before this, we only saw each other for twenty minutes at most. He’d say something stupid and I’d have to physically restrain myself from choking him to death, and then we’d both go home and get more angry.”
Lily shifted Harry on her lap. “Yes, I remember well.”
“But now there’s more.” Remus’ voice dropped and he leaned closer to Lily. “We’re together every day. I’ve seen him laugh. And dance. You should see how he talks to the twins when they’re upset—”
“Okay, please stop. I feel weird watching you daydream about Sirius.”
There was a silence, and Remus’ eyes wandered back to the dog. “We fought, and I hate him, but I can move on. One fight doesn’t matter as much as it used to, not when we have all this. As much as I complain about it, this job is actually kind of nice.”
“But Remus,” Lily said gently. “You hurt each other. It’s… it’s not my place to say, but I think Sirius is struggling more than you think. I hear him pacing all night long—”
“Does he sleep?” Remus asked, voice a little too clipped.
He remembered the constant footsteps after Regulus died, how he’d wake up in the early hours in the morning and hear thud, thud, thud against the floorboards. He remembered the bags under Sirius’ eyes, his horrible temper, how he started to take small naps during the day because it felt safer than the night.
“I don’t think so.” Lily pursed her lips. “It’s not going to do much if you move on and don’t tell him. I think you both owe each other an apology before anything else.”
Remus clenched his teeth. The sun suddenly seemed to press down on him, and though it was a beautiful day, it almost felt excruciating. Like the beautiful sun and the river and the golden speckled grrasses were teasing him.
The dog turned to look at Remus. Missy was looking at the dog strangely, taking a step back while Percy and Fred started to drum a beat on its ribcage.
“I want to apologize, but I don’t know how, Lily,” Remus said.
Lily gave him a lopsided grin. “If you really mean it, you will. Trust me.”
Remus’ chest felt tight. When he spoke, his voice was just barely above a whisper. “When I’m not with him, I can’t breathe.”
“Oh, Remus.”
“When he’s not there, I miss his stupid little comments. I miss his clumsiness. I even miss fighting with him. When I’m by myself, everything feels too quiet, too boring . It’s pathetic.” Remus looked at Lily, desperately hoping she’d agree.
It is, Remus. Terrible, actually. Didn’t you just mention how you were fine on your own?
But of course, Lily said the opposite. She shook her head and laughed. “That’s not pathetic. Whatever you feel is completely valid. In all honesty, I’m not sure if the fighting part is completely healthy, but I do understand. You’re talking to your only other friend who deals in absolutes. Or used to, I mean.”
The dog took off running again, leaving the band of screaming children in the dust as it easily outran them to the other side of the house.
And Remus felt it— the sudden loss. The children stopped laughing and he swore the birds stopped singing. He peered over his shoulder quickly, but the dog was gone.
The children looked around in bewilderment.
Lily cleared her throat. “Remus, you know that I’m always happy to listen to anything you want to tell me, but I think Sirius would like to hear what you just said. You should really tell him.”
The Potters’ front door slammed and Sirius stepped onto the porch, throwing his arms in the air. “I heard barking!”
Missy and Percy sprinted across the grass, screaming, “THERE WAS A DOG! A BIG, BLACK DOG! WILL IT COME BACK, DO YOU THINK? WILL IT COME BACK?”
“How would I know?” Sirius jumped from the steps, sweeping both Missy and Percy from the ground and throwing them each over a respective shoulder.
“It was so cute!” Missy shouted, pounding on Sirius’ back. “It was the cutest dog I’ve ever seen!”
“Hear that?” Sirius turned to Remus and Lily, and Percy’s legs almost whacked him across the face.
“We saw the dog, didn’t we, Harry?” Lily propped Harry up in a standing position. She squinted from the sun when she looked back at Sirius. “He was very cute.”
Remus averted his eyes, looking down at his hands, which were slowly clenching into fists.
I want to try. I wish you knew that I want to try.
Remus saw Lily look from him to Sirius in confusion. She gave Remus a sad, hopeful smile, and he looked away.