The joints of his arms ache and crack when he gets up from the floor. Lily tugging gently at his sleeve isn't much helping the process. With a questioning look she drills through him as if he were some kind of book of ancient runes she's trying to decipher. He nods in the direction of the window, hoping its enough of an indication for her. It seems to work because she loosens her grip at his jumper and, with one last pad on the arm, lets him leave.
It's past 12. The Gryffindor common room is in party high spirits since the clock stroke 5 the day before. It's Friday before Christmas break and, at least at the humble opinion of one James Potter, that is enough reason to throw the most illustrious party of the year. Not that he doesn't say that for every one. At first, Remus had agreed to be in the midst of it all with the others, seeing as they all had been planning this event for several weeks now. But as the night grew darker, he was drawn around one of the familiar sofas, now sprinkled with people he only distantly knew. Lily and him had settled on some light chat and people watching from their spot on the floor while the room beamed with music and booze. Each time he is amazed anew at the amount of smuggling his friends got away with. If he wasn't sure of James' and Sirius' fortune, he would say that the party business would make them poor some day. Lily and him have been having a good time on the floor (which is covered in blankets and pillows that James had summoned with a multiplying charm). But it was loud and his legs had fallen asleep and he needed a smoke if he was going to stay up any longer. The window facing the outer grounds would have to do.
Only the way there proves to be quite another problem. Pushing through the heaving bodies of students isn't exactly his favorite activity. People are actually dancing with their drink in hand. As if that isn't someone's ruined outfit waiting to happen. He brushes past a bang of dark hair that could only belong to one girl. And sure enough, it isn't long until he is staring into Mary McDonald's hypnotizing eyes. Thinking he wants to dance with her, she swings her arm around his shoulder in a friendly manner.
"I'm just going for a fag" he leans close to her ear so she doesn't miss it. Knowingly, she nods, her face bearing understanding. But he fears she is already too drunk to even remember this in the morning. And it's not like he hasn't had some drinks himself, but you can always count on Mary for being pissed before the clock strikes 12. Though she's probably also having the most fun of anyone, judging from Remus's knowledgeable opinion. Before she unwinds herself from their sort of tight embrace, she pulls him close by the his elbow. What's with everyone pulling at his shirt tonight, he thinks half bitterly.
Mary leans closer once again. "you n Lils having a good time?" jup. definatly shit drunk. He can smell the fire whiskey breath and hear her heart beating fast from the dancing.
He nods curtly, his eyes trail once over to the windowsill of his desire.
"jus makin sure" she slurs in his ear and he can't help but smile at the sweetness in her voice.
"we're alright, Mary" he says in a moment of goodness. "you okay?"
She nods eagerly and, pointing somewhere behind her in the crowd, says: "Justin Hallberry I'm going home with tonight" Remus thinks he has a slight idea who she's talking about.
"tall, blond..?" He trails off when she nods eagerly. And again, he can't stop from grinning at her.
"have fun, then"
"i will" she half winks at him. Finally she's untangled herself, leaving him to go.
When he's finally past the next crowd, the window already in plain sight, a steady hand comes to his shoulder, pulling him back with a jolt. Immediately, he knows who it is.
"Prongs, I'm trying to have a smoke" the words come out more pissed than he feels them but James is out past remembrance. Stupid idiot, he thinks, and who's gonna brew the hang over potions tomorrow?
And Remus is right: James doesn't bat an eye at his grumpy remark.
"Mate, have you danced properly?" he asks, voice way louder than it needs to be for Remus to hear him. Normally James would've remembered that Remus' hearing was probably thrice the quality of a normal teenager.
"Literally what I've been doing half the night. With you" he says. James' hand is still gripping his shoulder.
"right. right" he blinks a few times and Remus thinks of a deer caught by a camera. He supresses a laugh. "Evans and Pads keeping you company, then?"
Remus frowns. "Sirius? No, he's not with me. And Lily she's right over-"
"He's not?? You know where he is, then? Cuz I've been looking but there's just so many people"
Don't you say, Remus thinks.
He shrugs, "nope. Haven't seen him. Probably off with Emmaline Vance or something" Remus has nothing against poor Emmaline Vance, in fact, he thinks she would deserve much better than a flirt like Sirius, but he can't help but roll his eyes when he says her name.
Panic suddenly floods James' red face. Though he looks not any less drunk than before.
"shit" he says, his voice cracking because he's been scream singing muggle songs for the past 2 hours. "I've lost him. I don't know where he is- what if he's somewhere and needs our help what if- we- PETER!" He stars screaming his name mid sentence, spotting his blond hair somewhere in the crowd but Remus stops him before he is heard, cowering his mouth with the palm of his hand.
"James oh my god. you're acting like my mom for fuck's sake. Calm down. It's Sirius, how far off could he be?"
"I'll go and look for him I-"
"No you're not, James. Come on! You've got a party to host, remember? And I'm tired anyway, I'll go look for him and return him safely home."
"you will?" James' eyes grow huge like that of a puppy. "bring him back here?"
"I promise" Remus loves how theatrical James gets when drunk. Makes Sirius' influence really apparent.
"I looove you, Moons, you know that?" James says as he presses a wet kiss on Remus' temple, pulling him closer to him.
Remus thinks he'll never get used to all that boundary crossing Gryffindor parties are heir to. He doesn't complain, though, it's not like he doesn't know it from James.
"Love you too Prongs. I gotta find Sirius now, the map in your drawer?" They usually keep the map at one place where it gets returned to after being used. It's the only thing that has a solid place in their room because it's the only way of making sure it doesn't get lost. Their magnum opus, Sirius had once called it in frying self praise.
James' raises his eyebrows for a moment like he really has to think about that. Then he shakes his head.
"Sirius has it. Saw him with it when we were getting ready"
James had taken almost 45 minutes to get his hair in place. To no use, as it is now no less unruly than it had been this morning.
Great. Of course Sirius has the bloody map.
"right then, I'll be on the go, you go on and dance" he gives James' shoulder one last squeeze before turning away. He doesn't make the same mistake of walking straight to the couches again, this time pushing past the walls to get to his previous spot with Lily.
She raises an eyebrow when she sees him.
"Hey, I have to go get Sirius. He's lost and James is freaking out. I can't say when I'll be back but it's not gonna take long if you-"
"I saw him leave the common room. Do you want me to come?" she asks, already in the move of standing up but Remus motions for her to stay put.
"It'll just be quick. Just have to make sure he's safe so James doesn't loose his shit."
She rolls her eyes at that and Remus feels it in his bones. She nods and he's dismissed. Within seconds, he's backed against the wall and nearing the portrait hole that plays his port to freedom.
Outside he's met with deafening, ear drum breaking, silence. Or at least so it seems. They're truly getting better and better with the security charms. The common room is completely sound prove. Even from the dorms no music or chatter can be heard. He takes a moment of pride at his spells working.
And then he remembers why he's here in the first place. What had he been thinking, like he was bound to take care of Sirius. He was older than Remus, and should be well capable of taking care of himself. And besides, if he'd left the common room it was pretty clear what he was headed to do. Perhaps this time it would be someone entirely new, for a chance. Remus can only hope Sirius has finally gotten bored of Emmaline Vance's long legs and straight teeth. Again, he had to interrupt his own thoughts. It wasn't Emmaline's fault Sirius was an asshole and decided to court her right after Rosalind Albert dumped him. She didn't deserve it, honestly.
When Lily had asked to come with him, Remus hadn't even hesitated. He wishes so dearly that his reasoning was really just the fact that he thought it wouldn't take long. But without the map or any information about the boy, locating Sirius in the giant castle would be hardly an easy game. But still, he needed time to be alone after several hours of loud music and dancing. But it was something else, too. He wanted to know what Sirius was up to. He was intrieged by his absence. What was more important to Sirius than this party he'd been planning since the beginning of term? Partly, Remus didn't want to know about Sirius's nightly Odysses, but there was also a part of him that was deeply interested in the idea of catching Sirius somewhere he shouldn't be.
He has made it down two halls when he's done contemplating his own motives. He's doing this for James, end of story. And it truly isn't that deep.
the strolling through dark hallways was common ground for Remus. He's on duty twice a week with Lily to make sure everyone is in their rooms. The vast darkness of the empty halls and creaking corners had frightened him at first, but now he knows this part of the castle like the scars on his hands. Knows them like the welsh highlands.
His first stop is the entrance to the Hufflepuffs common room. Surely, Emmaline hasn't taken him back to her dorm, but they could easily be near by. He's really shooting in the dark with the guesses. He doesn't even know for certain that Sirius even is with Emmaline. But in the end he has to start somewhere, and this is as good as any.
But the halls are quiet and unreserved. Entirely deserted except for a few night active paintings chatting in the dark. Sirius could be anywhere. He thinks of his dark haired friend quickly. His eyes, his nose, the curve of his neck. And he thinks of the stars. The astronomy tower is next.
It's a far walk from the Hufflepuffs to the tower and his hip aches wildly as he climbs the final staircase. The door to the platform is heavy and closed to protect the hallway from the cold. When Remus pushes it open he almost expects to see pale skin and clothes scattered in unfamiliar patterns on the ground, but instead, he sees Sirius, standing by himself (fully clothed) at the railing looking up. What is he doing? Remus thinks. It's bloody freezing.
Sirius doesn't notice him until the door swings back shut with a heavy sound. He spins around, eyes wide with shock, hand grabbing his wand. Such a dramatic reaction, Remus thinks.
"Moony" Sirius's voice is strange and surprised.
"what the fuck?" Remus comes closer. "James is down there thinking you've been kidnapped. What are you doing??"
"he noticed??" Sirius asks a little hurt.
"oh yeah and he begged me to look for you to ensure your safety"
"well, safety assured"
"you still didn't answer my question- what are you doing up here? And how have you not frozen your balls off?"
Sirius laughs but it sounds a bit distant. "just needed some fresh air. Bit stuffy in there, is it?"
"stuffy indeed" Remus laughs, bringing his bare hand to his neck when he notices the bruising wind. His hair is whirling around wildly. Without a word, Sirius takes of his Gryffindor scarf and hands it to Remus. It's a gesture so casual that Remus almost misses the blood that rushes to his ears. "thanks" he muffles as he buries his nose in the fabric. It smells more like James than Sirius, Remus thinks. But after he's had a good wif of it, he definatly notices the note of comfort it bears. Like cigarettes and Effie's cookies and his long leather jacket. He's wearing it right now, the straight cut elegant against his slim figure. It's what his hair smells like, mixed with magical shampoo. Remus knows because sometimes when Sirius and him share a bed, he will fall asleep and wake with Sirius' head on his chest.
Sirius turn his head back to the night sky around them. It's almost entirely black, Sirius' silhouette blends in well with the rest. Like it's where he belongs. Slowly, Remus steps closer.
"What'cha looking at?" he asks, pressing against the railing in hopes of some salvation from the cold. It doesn't work. He's already begun shaking.
Sirius nods his head upwards. To the stars, Remus thinks. But not only that- a filling disc of white film lies in perfect contrast to the overwhelming dark. He feels his chest tighten at the thought of it. And though each of his muscles sing at the sight, his mind scratches against the inside of his brain. He doesn't know what it wants. Perhaps revenge, perhaps freedom.
He looks over at Sirius, his face half illuminated in cold light. The full moon is coming up next week. Over Christmas. His body aches at just the thought of being locked up at home and unable to visit the Potters until 3 days after Christmas.
Just when the silence is getting uncomfortable, Sirius speaks, quietly.
"see those three in a straight line?" It takes Remus a second before he realizes that Sirius is talking about the stars.
His eyes look up, searching. "yeah" he says, when he succeeds.
"those and the two above and below and a few around- that's Orion"
Remus looks at him. "your dad?" he asks, plainly. Sirius nods.
"upper right. that's Bellatrix"
Remus makes an effort not to shudder at the name of Sirius' cousin who tortured him for 2 hours last year before he left.
"now" Sirius smiles "follow the middle ones down left to that one bright one"
Remus does. It's not hard to miss. "who's that?" he asks.
"me"
"oh" Remus eyebrows shoot up as he tries to squint the star into focus. It seems so lost in the sky. He wants to take it home and take care of it and never have it feel alone again. He looks over at Sirius and smiles.
"it's us" Sirius then says, pointing first, to his star and then, to the moon. Remus watches his gentle hand move through the dark.
Us, he thinks. And that's forever. It's forever Sirius and the moon up there. The moon that binds him and leaches him like a dog on a lead. Good to know at least the moon is never lonely.
It's quiet for a moment and Remus can feel the air vibrate with emotion. Sirius is sort of an open book when it comes to his feelings. God forbid he'd ever talk about them, but on his face Remus can read that something's up. He tries again:
"Pads?" Sirius looks at him, his face cast in moon light and Remus has trouble turning his gaze away. But he has to. He has to because he will never look anywhere ever again if he looks at Sirius like that for any longer. When the curve of his nose and the shape of his ghostly neck are drenched in light. are drenched in him. Beauty is a cruel curse. It makes it impossible not to stare into Sirius' grey eyes. And, Remus thinks, there's something else, too. Something inside Sirius' eyes that is desperate. That longs to be held. That longs for this moon light embrace. Remus shudders slightly, not just from the cold.
He realizes then that he has to speak.
"i.. uh... you.. you didn't answer my question. What are you doing up here? Why aren't you at the party?" Remus narrows his eyes and tries to convey some authority.
"I told you. It's stuffy is all. Just needed some air"
Remus doesn't lower his eyes, staring right at the other boy. He doesn't buy him a word.
Sirius rolls his eyes "Moony" he says, a little annoyed now. "I'm alright"
Remus lets out an irritated huff, turning back towards the sky until, finally, he peals himself off the railing and makes a move towards the door.
Sirius seems to reach out without thinking, keeping Remus in place by his arm. He pares this motion with the word "stay"
And Remus stays. Because he couldn't say no. Sirius could've asked him to jump off the bloody tower, and he would've done it. Fucking Icarus and the sun or whatever. Remus would do it all. Would do it without a word. Fuck the wax and the wings and the isle. Sirius wasn't just a star, he was the entire fucking night sky, lulling Remus into the dark which he was helpless to.
They stand, looking at each other for a long time, Sirius still clinging to Remus arm like a sick child.
"Regulus" he says, finally. His voice breaks at the unsuspected usage.
Remus raises his eyebrows, partly in surprise that Sirius spoke at all, partly because this is the last thing he would've suspected. Regulus hadn't been in contact with him since Sirius ran away. Not much, at least.
"he- i saw him on the map when we were getting ready. He was up here all alone"
Remus knows not to interrupt him while he ponders how to say what he means to say. In his face is now written despair. Remus fears what's to come.
"i didn't think much of it.. but he was still here three hours into the party" Remus remembers this. Remembers Sirius dancing with James, then Marlene, then him. But when Remus settled to the floor with Lily, Sirius was nowhere to be found.
"so i went up here to look what was going on"
"is he okay?" Remus can't help but ask.
Sirius looks up quickly, "oh god yeah.. he just.. we talked."
"oh"
"he- things are getting worse at home. Worse since i left. He says she's more furious than ever. Says that she goes on tantrums for hours about.. the heir crap and stuff.. it's all... it's all because i left" His eyebrows are drawn together and his knuckles went white against the railing. Remus thinks he looks like a scene from a tragedy. Hamlet's grief.
"oh Padfoot.." Remus says, putting a cold hand against Sirius' arm. The other boy grabs hold of it, sort of automatically, making Remus stumble in his tracks. "it's.. it's not.. things were gonna get worse either way. It's good that you left and-"
"but he's still there!" Sirius clutches his other hand against the railing again, taking Remus' hand with him in the process. He's caught in Sirius' tight grasp.
"he's there and she's angry and he's so young and I'm not there to help him. I can't protect him. I'm a coward. I ran when i should've been there for him. I-" Remus moves his free hand to Sirius' shoulder, forcing him to a halt, forcing their eyes to meet.
"Sirius" he says, firmly. "listen to me. Things would've gotten bad sooner or later. We all knew that. The Potters knew and so did you and so did Regulus. Regardless of your running away, this was always what would've happened. You never would've willingly played a part in their games. You had no choice but to leave. And it's not your fault Regulus is in this situation now. It's not your fault. He was stuck in that house regardless. I don't know him very well, i don't know where his morals lie, but you i do know you and you needed to get out before things got really bad. No one could blame you. And he doesn't either."
Sirius stares at him for a moment, held in place still by his hand. Remus himself is surprised by his words. He's usually the worst in situations like this. That's all James. James is the one who makes people laugh when they've just been crying. James makes them resume to strength. Remus usually stands back and fumbles with his hands or something. He is probably just as surprised at his words as Sirius.
Just when he thinks of something to break the damned silence, Sirius suddenly rushes forwards and hugs Remus. Proper hugs him. Not just half or from the side or something- a real hug. It reminds him a little of James' hugs that he frequently gives out. Sirius isn't like that. But, well, he's learned from the best.
It's a long moment before Sirius lets go. When he pulls back his cheeks are flushed but his eyes are dry. Luckily, Remus thinks. He couldn't have dealt with tears, too.
"sorry" Sirius says and wipes his nose in a manner that has Remus wondering if he didn't actually shed a tear or two.
"'s fine" Remus says when he has an idea. He pulls out the package of fags from his back pocket and lights one with the tip of his wand. A trick he's taught himself that Sirius begged him for months to teach him.
He sucks a few times at the cigarette before he notices Sirius staring at him from the side, eyes huge and blue in the moonlight. Remus transfers the cigarette into Sirius' pale and bony hand. The other boy smokes it gratefully for a few drags before giving it back. The orange tip is wet with spit when Remus takes it back but he tries not to think about it.
"thanks, moons. Really" Sirius says eventually. His voice sounds tired, small. Maybe the situation has exhausted him more than Remus had initially anticipated. And suddenly he's glad he ran into James.
"told you it's fine- it's just motherly Prongs that's been worried shitless. I assumed you'd be off with Vance or something" Remus makes particular effort to keep his voice even at her name. To keep the bitter taste from spilling out of his mouth and into the air for everyone to see. Immediately he regrets having mentioned her.
Sirius doesn't look at him, face towards the grounds though he could hardly have seen anything. Before them stretches the forbidden forest in thick mist that doesn't reach past the edge of the trees. Remus knows it well. Has been there many times, though never fully concious. Never fully himself. He could see better, then, even in the dark. He wonders briefly what landmarks he would recognize now, as he is, all bony hands and bags under his eyes. With a heart that beats half way regular most of the time.
Like on cue, Sirius speaks. "Emmaline dumped me" he said, it was almost too quiet for Remus to hear. He sounded ashamed like a child admitting to having broken a rule. "i haven't even thought about that yet" he runs his hands over his face for a second, still not meeting Remus' eyes.
"well," Remus can't help but say, "good for her"
Sirius glares at him but he isn't angry. "thanks" he says, sarcastically.
"I'm just saying- don't you think it's better this way? You two were.. a lot" he tries briefly to count in his head the times they fought in the past month. He fails after the first 5.
Sirius shrugs and turns away again. Remus hands him the cigarette. The smoke curls around his face, lighting it up in the moon light. Remus thinks he would never need to look at anything again. Because this is the Sirius no one else gets to see. Emmaline Vance would never get to hear Sirius' voice break when he talks about his family or the smoke catching in his hair that will later smell like the night. It's so private. Like it's just for Remus alone. Like everyone else doesn't exist. And briefly, he thinks, that this is what peace must feel like. That no scars on his back or teeth marks on his hip could ever rip this apart. That Sirius maybe knows what this feels like. That maybe he' anticipating it.
But that's a stupid thought. Because Sirius has the world. Because how stupid it is to think, even for a second, Sirius is his. And as if to agree with him, Sirius laughs saying
"she wasn't good in bed anyway"
Remus laughs but it ends of coming out dull. A stinging pain echos through his chest, leaving him hallow.
"sorry" Sirius says then, quieter than before. "that wasn't very nice. She wasn't bad. But you're right. It was a bit much."
Remus leaves it at that, not knowing what to say and not knowing what to think. Sirius finishes his cigarette so he lights another one. James would hate this if he knew. But he doesn't. So why bother?
They stay quiet for a long time. Remus not knowing what to say and Sirius pondering something in his head. Remus can always tell. He'd give everything to know what Sirius is thinking about. Perhaps the next girl to screw.
"have you ever done it, Remus?" he asks. And oh, this is not what he had imagined.
The truth was, he hadn't. Well, sort of. He had a thing going with a Ravenclaw girl for a while. They'd been going on dates and one night she's just kissed him and it sort of went from there. But they stopped. They stopped before anything could happen, Remus had told her that he wasn't ready but that wasn't the real reason. The real reason was that her hair was almost the exact shade of Sirius' and he couldn't think of anything else the whole time. And when she kissed him he closed his eyes and thought of the stars. And that just wasn't fair. He didn't want to be like that. He had way more dignity than that.
He stares at Sirius for a second. The other boy's eyes are expectant. Almost excited. Like there could possibly be any exciting stories to tell.
"if i had, you'd know" he says, looking away.
"well how would i know that? i feel like you never tell me anything" Sirius says and Remus thinks he sounds.. relieved?
"yeah. well. You and James told me when it happened, it would only be fair to do the same."
"yeah. right. yeah. Sorry. Didn't wanna make you uncomfortable or anything"
Remus smirks over at the other boy. "as if" he says. Sirius smirks back and for just a moment, it's the two of them and nothing else. And the air is electric and the moon is pulling at his every muscle and somewhere inside, he's terrified but looking at Sirius, he thinks, this is perfectly fine. And it aches. Oh it aches. Worse than his bones breaking once a month and the breath getting blown out of his lungs. It feels like getting knocked off his feet by something full speed. Like every breath Sirius takes is a hit in the stomach for Remus for no reason at all. Because Sirius will never be his and he'll never get to say it. Out of all the secrets he's keeping, Sirius is at once, his favorite, and, the very sting that bucks him in the morning. He is the moon's quiet light between a set of sharp teeth. Ripping and wanting and never being satisfied.
Sirius clears his throat. "you wanna.. uh.. go back? to the party?"
"I'll go back down but I think I'm just gonna go to bed. Been sorta tired for a while now. Was just about to go when James found me"
"Yeah, i should probably talk to him first but.. honestly, I'm too exhausted to party now. And I'm not about to explain to Prongs why I stopped dancing with Emmaline."
"sounds fair" Remus says and takes off towards the door. He's not looking to see if Sirius is following. He knows he will.
They walk back to the portrait hole in silence. There is little to be said and, Remus thinks, it's best to let Sirius ponder and sulk for a while, otherwise he won't sleep.
At the entrance, he stops, looking over at the other boy briefly. "you okay?" he asks and it feels weirdly out of character for him. Sirius looks at him softly and then nods, slipping into the portrait with ease.
"Bloody hell!" Sirius says once they're back inside. It's still hot and fuzzy and the air seems ten times thicker than usual. It makes Remus dizzy.
"that silencing spell is a stunner, Moony!" says Sirius and slaps his shoulder slightly. Remus grins widely and turns a little red.
Sirius grins back but a loud voice distracts him. It's James. Of course it's James. His face is bright when he catches sight of the two of them and he immediately stumbles in their direction. As soon as he reaches Sirius he pulls him into a hug.
"Bloody fuck where've you been?? We were looking for you eeeevverywhere!" he says and Remus catches Sirius' eye. They're telling him to make his way, he will handle this.
"yeah. yeah. I'll tell you tomorrow. Promise, but I'm.. um.. actually I'm quite tired and I think I'll just go to bed I-"
James' eyes widened "but you've barely been here you can't just-"
But Remus doesn't hear that bit anymore. He's decided to wait for Sirius in their dorm. If he'll get James to let him go. But on his way along the wall he catches sight of Lily and Peter, chatting away on the carpet. The boy has taken Remus' spot from before and is now talking vividly about something, using his hands and making faces as he goes. Remus smirks as he makes his way over. He's barely seen Peter all night, and he also probably owes Lily an apology for dropping her like that.
Lily catches sight of him first and smirks at him from the floor, Peter too busy talking to notice anything.
"Pete?" Remus approaches.
"I- huh?" Peter looks up like he's been ripped from a dream. "Merlin Moony! Where the hell were you?? It was like you were there one moment and then gone"
"yeah. uh. I was looking for Padfoot. Prongs thought he was lost" Peter smiles at that.
"Pete? You wanna tell Remus what you told me?" Lily suddenly looks very amused and Peter turns bright red.
"I- Hastia Wandwood kissed me"
Remus stares at him for a few seconds. Unable to make sense of what he's heard.
"I- she did?"
Peter nods eagerly. "Yes yes we were dancing and she just- she just kissed me. she kissed me, Remus!"
"Fucking Christ, Pete" Remus can't help the smile from cracking on his face. "you've liked her since what, second year?" Peter blushes a deeper shade of red and Lily elbows him, still smiling like a honeybee.
"how was it?" Remus asks.
"how was it? Moony, you don't even know it was- it was so.. everything. I'll give you the details tomorrow. That okay?"
"I beg you do. I'm going to bed now anyway. Tomorrow sounds good. Hey- you got any hangovers left? James is plastered"
Peter thinks for a second, then shakes his head. And Remus is just about to say it's okay, when Lily suddenly turns bright red and says "I do. I can bring them over for him in the morning if you want.. You know, consider it a.. Christmas present."
Peter's eyes meet his, eyebrows in his hair line. Remus shrugs, then looks back at Lily.
"that's okay. though you better come at noon, doesn't look like sleep for him soon.."
"Will do" she says and blushes again. "Night Remus" she says, quickly.
"night Lils, night Pete" he ruffles once through the boy's blond hair and leaves.
As soon as he's on the stairs, it's quiet. Disturbingly quiet, that is. He takes big steps upwards, ready for his warm bed and a good night of sleep. His head hurts and his hip still hasn't recovered from walking half the castle twice.
Once at the dorm, he takes off the scarfs and folds it carefully onto Sirius' bed. His hand lingers for a second above the blanket, taking in the soft fabric that holds Sirius body every night. He thinks of Sirius briefly. His skin, his eyes and hands. The stars, the fucking night sky.
The door opens quietly but in the silence it's impossible to miss. Remus spins around to Sirius standing in the room, cheeks flushed from the heat and hair disheveled. James, Remus thinks and can't suppress a smirk.
"hey" Sirius sounds out of breath from the staircase. Or maybe the brief party visit.
"Got him to let you go, then?"
Sirius nods, already getting undressed and changing into his pajamas. They are the ones Effie gifted him for his birthday, red with yellow stripes. James has a matching set. Of course he has. Remus looks away at the sight of his bare chest, fiddling awkwardly with his own sipper.
The night is still and peaceful and up here it feels like they could keep the whole world locked out. Would you want that? Remus wants to ask. Would you stay here with me forever? But he knows the answer to that. The light from his night lamp catches on Sirius' face and hair and makes him seem softer, younger. It reminds Remus of a boy he met when he was 11, all bruised up underneath that perfect face. What does it look like on his inside now? Which wounds became scars and which ones will never heal? The topic of scars sends a shiver through his body, reminding him of next week. Reminding him that he'll see his mom and that look on her face and that no matter the effort, she couldn't help him. No one could.
"Was a pain in the ass to get him to let me but I'll explain it tomorrow. This is fine for now" They're both changed now. Remus makes his way to the bathroom, Sirius follows him wordlessly. They brush their teeth in silence, the sound is consistent and Remus finds comfort in their synchronicity. Remus catches Sirius' eye in the mirror and smiles. Sirius smiles back, toothpaste running down his chin.
The dorm is still quiet when they come back out.
"Tough luck on James going to bed tonight, he's plastered but he's handling it bloody well. You seen Pete anywhere?"
Remus explains about Lily and Peter. He leaves out Peter's kissing experience. It feels weird to mention it now, with no one around but the ghosts. In the orange light Sirius looks like one, too.
The other boy nods, then ponders again for a moment. Remus loves the thrill of waiting to hear what it might be. It's tearing at his every nerve, boiling his blood. It's like opening a birthday surprise.., or setting off a hand grenade. When Sirius finally looks at him, his eyes are confident but Remus looks beyond that.
"You got space in your bed, then?" Sirius smirks an easy smirk but Remus can tell it's calculated.
oh. that. A knot of nerves forms in Remus' stomach. He feels like he's about to fall and hit his head somewhere. Well, maybe that's a little dramatic. He's learned from the best.
He shrugs, then nods. His stomach clenches. His knees are weaker than usual.
"cool" Sirius smirks and gets into Remus' bed. He just gets in. Just like that. Like it's any bed. Like it's his bed. And Remus thinks, every place is his. Sirius Black owns the whole entire world. And the night sky. And that's just a little much, right? That just can't be fair. And, honestly, who can blame Remus for thinking of his lips and his hands? Who can blame his face for turning red when he gets into his own bloody bed, when it's Sirius who's lying next to him?
Their bodies are warm against each other, the bed's a little small for two. But extension charms are tricky, you never know when in the night the bed's gonna resume its usual form. So he's got no other option but to squeeze in next to Sirius, blanket spread between them. Sirius' skin is cold, Remus notes. Like he's still standing in the open breeze of the astronomy tower.
He looks over at him and finds him staring. His face is all orange from the light, his features soft and kind. Defenseless, Remus thinks. All his, he thinks.
"There's something on your mind" Remus says without thinking.
Sirius huffs. "Do you have to notice everything you bloody bastard?"
"yes, yes i do" Remus smirks, his face pulling tight around the areas where his face has been sliced apart and grown back together. "what is it?" he tries again.
Sirius doesn't look at him. Remus looks at his lips.
"Reg" he says.
"Pads.." Remus begins
"- something's up. Something's wrong. I could tell. He would've never.. talked to me like that if.. i mean if there wasn't more to it." His eyebrows are pulled together, he really does look devastated. Remus wants to reach over and touch his face, but doesn't. Doesn't move at all. He waits.
"I'm just- I'm just so worried. I'm so worried" he says the last bit like he's just realizing himself now that he feels like that.
"yeah.." Remus says, and now he does reach out. His heart beating fast. He touches Sirius' arm above the blanket. "I know you are" he says. "this'll be okay" he's not sure it will. He's sure Sirius knows. "this.. this is so fucked. everything's so fucked up. But- at least we got each other. We'll figure something out. You should consult with James tomorrow. He might have an idea. You should sleep. You need to sleep. Tonight was a lot."
Without thinking, he reaches out and smooths down the frown between Sirius' eyebrows. The other boy's eyes are vulnerable and full of something Remus wants to hold forever. That is the part he wants to see. He wants to touch. He wants to keep and mend and love. He wants to love it so much it hurts him. He wishes Sirius would let him.
Sirius reaches for his hand and closes his eyes. Like he's praying. Like he's making a wish in his head. No, Remus realizes, Sirius' eyes still clenched tight, he's trying not to cry.
Remus wraps his arms around him in one motion. Sirius hugs him back, gratefully. It's probably best if Remus doesn't see his face right now. His skin is still cold and his arms are tight around him. He's shaking a little, perhaps not from the cold.
He doesn't know what to say and it's awfully quiet. And Sirius' breathing keeps speeding more and more..
"Hastia Wandwood kissed Peter" Remus blurts out. At least this will distract Sirius, and Peter wouldn't mind him knowing - he'll give out elaborate details as soon as they're awake tomorrow.
Sirius doesn't skip a beat. "WHAT" he looks at Remus again, hands fixed on his shoulders. His eyes look a little wet. Remus ignores it, knowing it would only make Sirius uncomfortable if he mentioned it. Hah, that worked. Remus thinks.
"yeah!" he tells Sirius what Peter himself told him, mentioning their story time to come.
Sirius is stunned. "bloody hell" he breathes. "'d almost given up hope"
"yeah, well. Watch out, Pete's about to have more game than you" he smirks.
"no no" Sirius shakes his head "no one's doing that"
Then he's silent again. It's silent for a long while. Like a lifetime. Sirius is laying on his back now, staring at the ceiling of Remus' bed. he doesn't dare to look at him, perhaps afraid of potential tears, perhaps afraid that once he starts looking, he will never stop. Sirius' breathing evens out after a while, it's silent now except for their breathing and the recurring creaking of the surrounding woodwork. When Remus is sure the other boy is asleep, he flicks off the lights with his wand and closes his bed curtains. It's quiet and dark now, and something has changed. Something about the way Sirius is lying or something in the air or something downstairs or the stars or the moon or something shifted. Remus finds it hard to breathe quietly, is aware of every ounce of air and every rise and fall of his chest. Is aware of the other body in the bed, warm but cold but warm. All night sky. All moonlight.
And, Remus thinks, I've been here before. This isn't the first time Sirius and him are lying like this, are close like this, are breathing like this. But something's different. He could swear it is. Just when he's considering getting up for a fag, Sirius stirs next to him.
"Moony?" his voice is wide awake. Remus realizes he hasn't been sleeping, he was pondering. Suddenly he's nervous.
"mhm?" he makes.
"you know what you said earlier? About never having.. you know"
Remus closes his eyes to the invincible dark wishing to be devoured. Not this. He wants to scream. He can't do this. Not in the dark, with Sirius next to him when he can hear each breath passing into his lungs and each time his weight shifts.
It takes him a while to answer.
"what about it?"
"nothing- I was just.. I mean, I'm just making sure, because, we're blokes, right?"
"blokes. right."
"you said you've never.. but, i mean.. Remus, you have kissed someone before, haven't you?"
He's a little taken aback by this, because Sirius knows that he's kissed people. Not the number of, exactly, but it's definitely known.
He lets out a laugh. "yes, Sirius, I have kissed people"
"who was your first kiss?" it comes out like he was waiting to ask. Remus, in all honesty, is too tired for this shit. Sirius and his nonsensical questions.
But oh, this should be fun. Remus thinks of his first kiss briefly. He doesn't hold the memory very fondly. It more so sits awkwardly at the back of his head, waiting to be thought of. This should be so fun.
"Lily" he says, quite plainly and hears Sirius' breath change. He smirks.
"James' Lily?"
"Jesus, Pads, she's not his Lily."
"not yet" Remus rolls his eyes in the dark. "but you kissed her! Does James know?"
"he does, in fact, know." It was 2nd year when it happened, she indicated it. Afterwards, he felt so guilty that he ran to James and told him everything. James wasn't mad, just frustrated that Lily would kiss anyone but him. He was probably a little offended that Lily would rather kiss a werewolf than him, though he didn't say it.
"good, cause you would be in great trouble if he didn't"
"all good, i was very precautious in telling him" Remus says a little annoyed now.
Sirius laughs. Remus feels comfortable again. He truly had had no bad intentions, just bloke talk.
"have you ever kissed another bloke?"
Bloke talk, sure. Remus' stomach twists. The world collapses, is in flames, becomes ash all in one movement.
If he's being honest, he did kiss James once, 2 years ago, and Peter, in a game of spin the bottle. But those weren't actual kisses. And for some reason he knows that that's what Sirius is asking. So when he says no it's really only half a lie.
It's quiet for a moment after Remus says it.
"me neither" his voice sounds twice as loud in the dark, a little like it's coming from everywhere. Remus' head in spinning. "Mary once told me that everyone should have kissed someone of the same sex at least once" he says, innocently.
"well, Mary has kissed more than half the population of this school, if we're being honest. So that's not saying much, is it?" he's trying his best to keep his voice even and calm.
"I think she's right" Remus can feel Sirius shrugging. He sees him, too, if he looks over. His eyes are good in the dark, they're made for it.
"And i mean, there's no way I've known you for 6 years and we've never kissed" he says it a little fast, like he's rushing through it. Like he's afraid he'll snitch out last second.
Remus is frozen on his back. Did Sirius just suggest they kiss? What kind of sick dream is he having? When he doesn't answer right away Sirius gets notably nervous.
"I'm just saying. We should just get it over with. And no one will have to know. And next time Mary says something like this I can agree with her"
It does sound like something Mary would say. She's all party and big smiles and the thing is, she's constantly kissing everyone. It's not unusual for Remus to walk in on Mary kissing Lily or Marlene or Pete or even Chris Barley on the cheek in the common room. But that's just her. That's just what she does, it means nothing. It means she's a nice person, but that's it. Why is Sirius suddenly so on for this?
He doesn't know what to say. If he agrees, will Sirius do it? And if he does, how far will he go? Remus has only ever kissed girls that way, he's never snogged a bloke. Not that the opportunity hasn't presented himself. There's a lot more people fancying him in secret than he tells James and Sirius. But he's never wanted to kiss anyone like that, not in the moment. It always felt way too weird when it actually came down to it. Girls, too, he's only ever snogged when he was at least 3 fire whiskeys in or over a game of spin the bottle. Not that there's many of those, either. But this is different. He's in his own bed with Sirius next to him and he wants to kiss him. He wants to kiss him so bad that he almost does. And the darkness is everywhere and nowhere at the same time, making it feel like nothing outside their voices is physical and they've become just void. The void and Sirius, like there's no difference between the two at all.
"sure, why not. Just get it over with, right?"
his voice seems to echo back to Sirius, seems to search him and find him. He can't believe what he's just heard himself say.
"really??" Sirius says before he can stop himself. Remus stiffens. "i mean. yeah. let's get it over with."
For a moment it's awfully quiet again, almost awkward. No one moves. Then suddenly Sirius is on top of him in the dark, face hovering inches about his own. Sirius' breath catches. What. the. fuck. Remus wants to run, wants to scream wants to knock someone off their feet. Wants to be right here and do nothing, nothing at all. Just wait. Wants to be fully under Sirius' guidance. He could do whatever, and Remus would let him.
Sirius doesn't move. His hands are now at both sides of Remus' head, not touching him yet. Remus doesn't dare say anything. Doesn't dare breathe. He can see Sirius' face illuminated through a gap in the curtains that was result of the sudden movement. That's the moon, Remus thinks. That's moonlight on Sirius' face. A thin stripe of silver light scratches across Sirius' entire face, like a scar. It's so bright in contrast to the dark that it feels like daylight pouring in. It catches in Sirius' hair like the smoke from earlier, lighting him up like a real star, like a Greek god. Adonis devoured by moonlight. Devoured by him.
And then he does move. At first Remus doesn't realize, but his fingers silently curl themselves into his hair, very gentle, like Sirius thinks he might break. Remus body tingles where Sirius touches him, he wants to sink into the touch. Wants to always have this. Forever and ever until the end of time. Wants to always lie like this with Sirius this close, this present, this his. Even if it's just pretend. He doesn't know what to do, doesn't know how to move or if to move or if he should stop. He doesn't want to stop.
Sirius breath hitches and Remus feels it on his own lips, that's how close they are. A few loose strands of hair grass his face from above, they're soft and smell of smoke and leather and the party downstairs. But downstairs doesn't exist now, it's not even on the same plane of existence. That's just impossible. How could anything beside this exist?
Sirius' lips meet his and Remus thinks, how did we get here? The world spins for a moment, and then Sirius pulls back again. But just when Remus thinks, that was it then. No big snogging or anything. Really just getting it over with, Sirius kisses him again.
And this time, he keeps still for longer, keeps still and keeps his hands in his hair and breaths through his nose. And then he starts moving. At first it's slow, regulated, like he's holding himself back. But then he's all over Remus. He's kissing Remus. And Remus kisses back. Leans upwards to reach Sirius' lips better whenever they break apart for breath, follows him everywhere. Runs his own hands through Sirius' thick black hair that's not so in place now. And Remus thinks again, of Emmaline Vance and how she never got this. No one in the world but him could have this. He's seen Sirius snog girls all over the place, he's all tongue and all eyes, but god forbid someone touches his hands. It's almost like he's playing Quidditch when he's snogging them. Doing half of it for his pride and half of it for the audience. But he's not playing now. Now, he's hungry. And he's everywhere. He's in every breath Remus takes and every touch he feels. He fills every space in this room, every last crevice is him him him. Remus has trouble thinking about anything else.
Almost their entire weight is against each other now, Remus pressing upwards to keep half sitting up without being crushed by Sirius' weight. Remus holds him down by the back of his head. Doesn't want to let him leave. Doesn't want this to end, maybe ever. Sirius tastes like Remus' fags and toothpaste and Remus' arms and legs feel like they've gone numb.
This is not just bloke stuff. This is everything but what blokes do. What they're doing is not what they're supposed to do, not at all. But Remus can't help himself - every time he leans back in he thinks of the stars. He thinks of the stars and the moon and the night and the endless endless dark that he loves. Oh, he loves it. He loves it so much he could get drunk on it. He loves it so much he's useless. Sirius must know what's happening. That this is wrong. But if he does, he shows no sign of it as he fumbles with Remus' sipper. This is all wrong this is all wrong but it feels so right-
The door flies open, flooding the room with bright hallway light. As soon as it reaches the gap in the curtains, the world is on fire. Sirius jumps, terror written on his face. Remus squints through the gap while doing up his sipper. From the corner of his eye he can see Sirius struggling to do the same.
"Sirius?? Moony???" it's Peter voice calling them.
Remus stumbles out of bed at the panic in his friend's voice. "Jesus Christ what's going on? What time is it?" He hopes that Peter doesn't hear the waver in his voice, or note the way his hair is all messed up and his cheeks flushed. That's when he sees James, hung with one arm over Peter's shoulder, half conscious but not batting an eye at Remus' appearance.
"James??"
"James??" Sirius stumbles out of bed behind him.
Peter looks from one to the other, then to Remus' bed. "what were you doing? It's almost three? Didn't you say you were going to bed?"
"we did!" Remus threw in before Sirius could answer. "Just uh.. fell asleep"
"right. Well, i need a little help here" Peter doesn't have time to contemplate, seeing as James is still on top of him, seeing as he is twice Peter's size in muscle.
"fuck" Sirius goes over and helps heave James onto the nearest bed. "you know you coulda just spelled him up here?"
Peter shakes his head. "I could not have just flown him up here without his sober consent. And besides.. he's kinda heavy, you know?"
"he woulda thanked you in the morning" Sirius says and shuffles through the smaller one's hair like Remus did before.
Peter smirks and then frowns "That's your bed" he says, pointing to James.
"oh" Sirius says. "well, let him sleep. I'll just get into his."
Peter shakes his head but lets it go and takes off to the bathroom. Sirius makes space in James' bed and Remus turns away as well. He can't face this now. Will Sirius just act like nothing happened? He'd have all excuses to, after all, that wasn't supposed to happen. Not like that, at least. He'd just never mention it again. That's probably best.
Peter comes back and turns the lights off, wishing them both a good night. Remus and Sirius murmur a quiet 'night' from either side of the room.
Remus doesn't fall asleep for a long time, he keeps relaying the scene in his head, keeps running his fingers through his hair like it's still gonna feel like Sirius again. Did that really just happen? Or was it all a dream? He turns to the side but his pillow smells like Sirius. When he finally does drift off, he dreams of the cold and the astronomy tower, of falling out of it over and over and seeing Sirius at the top.
Something cold against his skin wakes him, almost like he's still dreaming.
He's met with Sirius' moonlit face between the curtains. At first he startles, thinking he's still asleep but then the other boy says his name again.
"Moony? You awake?"
"I am now" his voice cracks.
"Can I get in?"
Remus doesn't answer but instead shuffles to the side for Sirius to get in. They're now laying opposite to how they did before.
"are you cold?" Remus asks when he sees the goosebumps on Sirius' pale skin against the moon light. The other boy nods and Remus holds up the blanket for him to creep under. Way too familiar. A shiver runs down Remus' spine.
Sirius doesn't lose any time.
"Moony" he says. "I'm sorry- "
"Don't be stupid, i agreed to it-"
"- but I suggested it I-"
"Wait" Remus says and then quickly casts a silencing spell over his bed. Just to be sure.
"it was a stupid thing to do. i don't even know why I-"
"it's okay" Remus exaggerates.
"yeah but-"
"no"
"Remus!"
"sorry"
Sirius looks at him then and sits up, pushing the sheets away from him. Like he's ready to leave. He looks like a god, Remus thinks.
"I liked it" Sirius blurts out.
For a moment Remus doesn't say anything. Surely, this is all a dream.
"I liked it and i don't know what that means, only that I've wanted to do it for a while now. I didn't know it would escalate like this. I didn't know it would.. feel like this but-" he trails off. His eyebrows are drawn together. He looks young. He looks like a star.
"you liked it?"
Sirius nods, not meeting Remus' eye.
"I don't know why. Or, well, I do know why but it's so confusing. It's so.. everything is so confusing. With the thing with Reg and now this. I don't know what to do. And i don't know who to ask for help."
It's a tender moment. Even in the dark, Remus knows it takes a lot out of Sirius to talk like that. It must really be tearing him apart for him to even mention it. Remus takes a deep breath. He can't fuck this up. Not now, after everything.
"Sirius, it's okay. I know it's confusing and I know you don't know what's happening but.. we'll figure something out. We - we're so young. We have time. We have time. Okay? But right now, it's the middle of the night and we need to sleep. We're not thinking clearly. Is that okay?" Remus considers for a moment. "And, Sirius?"
The other boy is looking at him now.
"yeah?"
"I liked it too"
Even in the dark, Remus can see Sirius' face lighting up. Even after all this, it still makes his heart beat faster.
"You did?"
"yeah don't rub it in asshole. Is it okay if we talk about this tomorrow, I'm about to fall asleep sitting up"
Sirius nods, his face serious. Remus sighs. He knows he's being harsh. But good things need time. And method and.. thought.
Fuck thought, he thinks, suddenly.
Truly, nothing ever goes like plan.
He takes Sirius hand and squeezes it once. "stay here tonight" he says.
"tonight?"
"tonight, and every other night." Remus laughs like the rest of the world doesn't matter and suddenly Sirius is laughing too and suddenly Remus knows. He just knows. And all this time he's been wanting this, and only this. And what now? Did Sirius just confess he liked him? The other boy was right: it was just so confusing. But earlier, when he was looking for Sirius, and then again, when he was standing next to him outside the astronomy tower, he thought of it. How everything in the world could go wrong but this, this would be okay. He would make it be okay. He would let it be okay. It would always be the two of them, together.
"You'll be gone for the full moon" Sirius says suddenly. "You have to take care of yourself"
Remus smiles "I think I can manage that"
He's thinking of the stars while Sirius is settling down next to him, careful to keep a little space between them. But what's space, really, if you live in the night sky? Remus falls asleep to the smell of toothpaste and magic.