The laugh is what did it. Not the hurt in his eyes. Not the tense line holding his shoulders in a gaunt stance. It was that shallow laugh Remus omitted that made Sirius realise just how grand of a fuck-up he’d been.
“So, I think I finally understand you now. That’s the good thing that’s come out of this; I know who you are, Black.” Remus’ face could’ve passed for bored until that word. Black. He said it like the word burned him. Like it was poison.
Sirius could only stand and take it. Not a whimper of objection, or a fragment of denial. He stood still as Remus took another step towards him, his bandaged hands shoved hastily into his pockets.
“Did you know that I remember the first time we drank together? I bet you didn’t. It was a year and four days ago actually. Yeah, we were sat out in the forest, lips pressed to bottles, and I removed feeling so happy to be with people who saw me for me. Not a monster, not a freak. Not some… thing that scares children and deserves no rights.”
Sirius’ heartbeat made him nauseous, the thumping in his ears felt louder than being up on his broom. Each passing second further cemented just how royally he fucked up. Sirius stared intently at Remus’ face, which remained perfectly built; guarded.
“Okay, how about this then, Sirius. Do you remember the day when I let my guard down around you for the first time?”
Sirius immediately started nodding, the memory held so fondly in his heart, yet tainted at the thought of being used in this
moment.
“It was the night you all first found out about my little… problem. I told you in confidence, and you all respected that. James, from my understanding, still has Evans under the impression that he helps with astrology deck cleaning.” Suddenly, Sirius realised in a heart stopping revelation where this conversation was heading. He silently pleaded moony to not go there. Anywhere but there.
“Peter was scared shitless, remember that? How, even in his fear, he didn’t tell anyone? How, even with his fucked out family, and loveless parents, he managed to find a way to understand; to sympathise.” Remus’ lip curled on that last word, and Sirius prepared for it; the slaughter.
“But it’s funny, because out of all of us, it’s always poor Sirius people have to accomodate. Sirius with his fucked family, and his brother that’s an asshole, and his mother thats a piece of shit. It’s always about making accomodations for him because he doesn’t know any better. Isn’t it, you poor, defenceless, innocent, angel? Aren’t you just the greenest saint that’s ever walked the earth?” Remus mocked, his eyes wide in expectancy, and Sirius wasn’t sure he could get his lungs to work again.
He waited for it. For the moment when Remus yelled at him, screamed. He’d prepared, his shoulders tense. He’d even prepared for the off chance Remus would take his anger out… physically. Instead, the worst occurred.
Remus sagged. He completely deflated, his eyes casted down to his beat up docs, and Sirius noticed the laces that he bought Remus for his birthday had been replaced with the original black ones. Ouch.
Sirius snapped back to see the trembling of Remus’ shoulders. He didn’t notice that he mirrored the same motion, the tears gathering at the duct. When Remus looked up again, he was clouded by the pure emotions in his eyes. He took a shuddering breath, before straightening.
“I went to battle for you. I stood and took your family berating me. I fell on my sword time and time again to make you comfortable. Tell me, please tell me, what did I do wrong? Why is it that I gave you my all, gave you insight to every dark patch in me, every hope, dream and more, and it still wasn’t enough? I let you see past the goddamn towers I’ve surrounded myself in, and it still wasn’t enough to get you to realise just how fucked up my situation is. You think it’s tough not having love as a child? Try having your parents lock you in a room while you scream in pain over something you didn’t fucking choose. Or, maybe, try getting bitten by a fucking warewolf on your fifth birthday in fucking David Bowie pyjamas. Sirius, I need you to look me in the eyes right now, because you need to get this into your head.”
He stopped to take a shuddering breath, and Sirius sobbed, maintaining the vicious eye contact that was clawing at the hope he held of things turning out okay.
“Nothing you do will ever change what has happened. I will never forgive you for this, no matter how much I want to. You and I will never be the same, and no matter how much you grow, or change, your actions today will forever taint the memory of who I remember Sirius as. You hurt me more than you will ever understand, and I do not forgive you. Not now, and not for a while.”
He angrily wiped away the tears that fell, and Sirius sprung into action. He strode up to Remus, hands hovering like they don’t know where to be. He instead dropped them to his sides and looked Remus square in the face, taking a breath to cool himself.
“Remus. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wasnt thinking. Snape was talking shit about you, and I just thought that maybe if he saw you, he’d take you seriously. That maybe he’d stop messing with us. I’m so sorry. Fuck, rem, what can I do? You need space? I’ll give you it. You need me to fucking… gauge my own eyes out? I’ll do it for you. I’ll cut and bleach my hair, or I’ll slice my arm open, or I’ll-“
“Wow. You still don’t fucking get it do you?”
Sirius’ eyes snap back to Remus’ and the way his jaw ground almost painfully.
“Nothing you do right now is going to fix this. Damn it Sirius, I’m so fucking mad at you! You don’t even understand the gravity of what you could’ve fucking done! Let me break it down for you, okay. Say Snape wasn’t rescued. Say he went down there, and James hadn’t been there. I could have killed him. I could have been responsible for the death of an innocent student. I would have been sent to jail for murder, more than likely worse. You put me, Snape, James, and the rest of the students at this school in danger. What would have happened if I got into the school, huh? We’re you thinking about anyone else who could’ve been hurt, or just your special asset that would help you get ahead of Snape? Sirius, you would have made me the thing I fear most; you would have made me a killer, or even worse, made me turn another student into this. Id never wish that upon anyone, and you would know that if you respected me in the slightest. Honestly, right now, I see you as nothing more than a malicious. Self absorbed. Scheming. Phsycopathic. Black. I’m done with this right now. Don’t follow me, I can’t look at you.” And with the knife firmly seated in Sirius’ chest, Remus left the room, and Sirius sagged to the floor as sobs overcame his body.
He sobbed for his actions, and his thoughts, and his mind. Most of all, he sobbed for Remus. For the boy he was mental over. He now saw Sirius as nothing but a member of his family.
That’s what broke him; that to Remus, Sirius was just another member of that family he’d worked so hard to leave. All his thoughts consumed him, as the ability to breathe left him sprawled on the concrete, his head spinning and his lungs incapacitated.
He didn’t know what to do; all he knew was that he had to fix it. He had to.