death
may 8th, 1980
dear Sirius,
Peter’s dead.
Regulus didn’t know what else to say. it was strange, the way he felt, he felt almost sad — for a reason he couldn’t explain — there was nothing to be sad about. he only assumed it was some weak sense of guilt, knowing he was the reason his brother’s previous best friend, was now dead.
he also didn’t know how any of them would respond to it, and he also didn’t want to know.
the whole situation had been heavy on all of them already. now their old best friend, was dead.
Rather Peter dead than any of them — or so Regulus thought. he wouldn’t say it, but it was true. he didn’t like to wish dead onto people, but it was an entirely different thing for Peter, in multiple ways.
Regulus didn't know what to feel; his feelings, that he had a hard time placing in general, were all over the place.
the morning sun shone through the windows of the great hall. Regulus was on his own, only some professors sitting at another table, talking loudly about some plans they had for their teachings in the upcoming days of the week.
breakfast wasn’t even being served yet, mainly because it was five-thirty in the morning, and everyone was still fast asleep. Regulus hadn’t been able to fall asleep all night.
“mister Black,” Regulus turned around just to be met with professor McGonnagal standing behind him, smile on her face. “a bit early for breakfast, aren’t we?”
Regulus mumbled something, but McGonnagal looked over his shoulder, reading those four words on the paper. her mouth fell agape, like she couldn’t properly process what it said.
“is it…” McGonnagal murmered. “when?”
he lifted his shoulders up, he didn’t even know when it happened, he just knew it did.
“i assume somewhere in between the last two de—” Regulus interrupted himself. “meetings.”
something in her eyes looked sad, truth be told, Regulus couldn’t blame her either. she had known Peter as ‘one of her boys’ for seven years. now he was suddenly gone, all because of himself, and his own bad decisions.
“alrighty then,” she started. “i guess… i don’t even know. sorry.”
with that she walked away again, away from the great hall. that was also the last time Regulus had seen her today, apparently, she had canceled her classes for the day. rumor spread that she had fallen ill, so Regulus just kept his mouth shut. it was probably for the better.
Regulus had send off the note not much later, sending it away with Barty’s owl this time — wanting to avoid a situation like it had happened last time. he chuckled at the irony.
had he used Barty’s owl in the first place, none of this would have even happened.
still the feeling of guilt wouldn’t wash away, as he expected it would. Regulus didn't even know what he was mourning, since he hadn’t even known Peter that well, not even during his years at Hogwarts. and Peter was a traitor,
who knows what could have happened if Peter hadn’t been killed? if he would have still been alive today? able to give any type of information to Voldemort.
it would have been any of them, Sirius, or Remus — maybe even James or Lily. Regulus wouldn’t want that either. this was for the better.
“i hate this stupid class,” Barty groaned, leaning back into his seat. “history of magic? what would we even need that for?”
“it’s not even that bad,” Evan admitted under his breath. “you’re just annoyed because you don’t understand it.”
“it is,” Regulus started. “annoyed is an understatement, i’m on the edge of literally drowning myself in the great lake.”
Evan rolled his eyes, like always, and kept taking notes — which Barty and Regulus would end up borrowing anyways — he scolded them for it, telling them to take their own notes, but he kept giving them to the other boys without any complaints.
usually, Regulus would take his own notes. History of Magic? totally different case. in this class he had the attention span of a bowtruckle, literally.
safe to say him and Barty played tic tac toe for the rest of the lesson.
classes that day were boring, the kids who had class from McGonnagal today all had a spare hour, which none of them seemed to care about — all of them were messing around, Regulus could even hear them from inside the school.
“and today happens to be the one day we don’t have her?” Barty protested. “there’s no way this was an accident; i swear she hates us.”
“we take transfigs with the Gryffindor’s…” Regulus said, suppressing a laugh. “also, she doesn’t hate us — she just… doesn’t like us as much.”
“so she hates us?” Evan laughed, taking a sip from his pumpkin juice. Regulus sat up straighter, leaning his head back nonchalantly,
“probably.”
that night a letter from Sirius had arrived, Regulus was scared to open it, but after staring at it for a solid ten minutes, he thought it was probably better to open it after all.
dear Reggie,
i don’t know what to answer. sorry.
a lot of sentences scratched away in between. Regulus would say he understood it, but he didn’t — he desperately hoped he wouldn’t ever have to.
falling asleep was difficult again, it was as if someone was watching him the entire time — if it was a God, waiting to punish him for his actions, Regulus hoped they’d be fast with it.
eventually he did manage to fall asleep again, but even in his dreams Peter was there. he had another dream of Sirius dying, but now Peter was there as well — killing him at the end of it.
he had woken up early again, taking a walk around the castle before the rest of the students would wake up. there were only a couple of people out—
“Regulus?” Regulus turned around, just to be faced with Emilia. “what are you doing up?”
“could ask you the same question.” he answered, coldly.
she lined her lips, readjusting her jumper. she walked away again, but Regulus stopped her before she could.
“walk with me, will you?” Regulus pleaded, she nodded after some time. Emilia swung her bag over her shoulder as she made her way towards the entrance door, Regulus following closely behind her.
it was quite cold, despite it being almost summer, the early mornings in Scotland were still cold.
“sorry,” Emilia eventually murmered. “i shouldn’t have responded that way, i shouldn’t have said what i said either.”
Regulus nodded. “okay.” — he never really understood how he ought to respond to apologies.
“i truly am, sorry.” Regulus nodded again, and she just smiled softly. “can i just ask you one thing?”
“sure.” Regulus said, deciding it was a good time to just be completely honest to her.
“why?”
Regulus stopped in his tracks, sighing and sitting down on the cold grass. ushering her to sit down too, which she did without question.
“it would be unfair, to you,” he closed his eyes and shook his head, unsure of what to say. “i’ve liked this person, who i can’t even be with, for years. its stupid, i know, but they’re the only person i’ll ever think of in that way.”
Emilia fell quiet, but eventually smiled again. “she’s a very lucky girl then, if you’re so dedicated to her.”
“he.” Regulus muttered. “it’s a him.”
“oh,” for a second, Regulus thought she’d laugh, or walk away. but she stayed. and instead gave him another one of her kind smiles. “okay. well, he’s a very lucky guy, then.”
Regulus looked at her and smiled, genuinely. he was kind of proud of himself, seeing how honest he had been.
Emilia was a keeper, maybe just platonically, but a keeper nevertheless.