chapter 10

23rd of december, 1979

the past three days had been overwhelming, with the murders and everything, and because of that everyone had this sense of guilt? - maybe, if that was the word used to describe a situation like this. - this sense of guilt wasn’t new, once a new murder had taken place, everyone had this sense of guilt on them no one could really give a reason for. maybe it was the guilt of “we knew something was about to happen again, we could have stopped it.” or “maybe it will happen again, and it will be our fault for not stopping it.” but after all that was bullshit, or so Regulus thought. he obviously did feel awful for the family, but they couldn’t do anything to stop it as of right now; or they might as well dig their own graves already; the order’s graveyard, as the Regulus in the back of his mind called it.

he obviously didn’t express these thoughts - he had an idea the others probably wouldn’t appreciate it that much. Euphemia was still being her own self, she was the only one trying to make this Christmas seem like a proper one, and Regulus was very thankful for that.

“Regulus, dear? would you like some eggs with toast? i’m cooking some up for the others right now, thought you might fancy some, too.”

she said as she walked into his - or actually their room, since he was staying over at the Potter’s for the entire week.

“yes please, if it’s not too much of a burning, of course.” Regulus said with a smile, putting his book aside.

“of course not! are you ill? you look a bit pale…” She said as she walked into the bedroom a little further, opening his curtains and the windows immediately after, simply vanishing some of the trash with a flick of her wand and turning on his light.

“i don’t think so, bit of a headache, nothing major, though.”

she gave him a look that screamed, ‘i don’t believe you.’ but instead of saying anything about it, she nodded, smiled and walked out of the room again.

Regulus put his book on the nightstand and changed into some more modest clothes, before coming downstairs. he looked into the mirror, fixed his hair and made his way to the kitchen.

“i have already finished packing them, Remus!”

“you would have forgotten if i hadn’t told you.”

Remus sat comfortably on the sofa in the living room, big book in his lap and a cup of, what Regulus thought must be tea, in his hands. Sirius was standing in front of him, he had always been someone who talked with his hands, as Regulus had known since pretty much forever.

sometimes he did feel somewhat bad for Remus, he didn’t want to say it, but Sirius was his brother - Regulus loved him with his entire heart, but he felt as if feeling bad for your siblings’ significant other, was a very normal feeling.

Regulus put his head through the door opening, and gave Remus a quick brows up.

“Remus; i honestly feel bad for you, but i figure you knew what you were getting yourself into, so, well…”

Sirius turned towards his little brother, who was now laughing out loud, and he put his hands on his waist.

“you’re supposed to side with me,” he put one of his hands dramatically on his chest. “you’ve disappointed me, Reggie boy.”

Remus was trying his best not to burst out in laughter behind him, Regulus looked Sirius in the eye.

“i am very sorry, my dearest brother.”

since it was not time for dinner yet, but way past lunch time, they all sat gathered around in the living room of the Potter mansion. it was currently storming outside, it had been storming a lot lately - it seemed as if it never stopped.

it was Christmas, yet it felt like everything but Christmas. the energy felt so different than it usually did around this time, maybe it had to do with the muggle killings, maybe it had to do with everyone being stressed about the muggle killings. and obviously the war.

“i can’t believe this is the first Christmas without…” James started, he didn’t finish the sentence; yet everyone knew who he was talking about.

“i still can’t believe it,” Lily said, she looked at Regulus. “not that i don’t believe you, of course! but it just seems so unreal? i mean Peter? i never thought he, out of all people would do something like that.”

Lily must have been the first person to mention his name since pretty much forever, Regulus thought that was brave; he would have never been able to mention Peter first.

there was this silence for a minute, coming especially from the three boys, who were all staring at the floor. Regulus decided to break the awkward silence, there was nothing that bothered him more than awkward silences.

“how’s Mary?”

“gone into hiding, she still sends letters; she’s full on living in the muggle world now, i don’t even know where…”

Lily frowned, like she was really trying to come to terms with something difficult.

“i don’t even know if we’re gonna see her again.”

Euphemia stood up abruptly, walked towards the red haired girl on the other sofa, and put an arm around her.

“poor child, you mustn’t think such things! everything will be okay, Mary will be okay; we will all be okay. okay?”

Lily nodded at this, muttered a quiet ‘thank you’, and pulled her knees up to her face. James put his hand on her knee, attempting to calm her down, and it worked; it always did.

sometimes he wished he was only a bit like Lily Evans, he would wish he had her intelligence, her smile, that was able to light up an entire room, he wished he was funny in the way she was. and sometimes, when he was alone, and thoughts were free to run through his mind; Regulus wished that James would look the same way at him, as he looked at Lily Evans.

the amount of times he thought about hating Lily, because she was everything that he wanted to be, and had what Regulus wanted to have so dearly. But he just couldn’t hate her; Lily Evans was simply perfect, and there was no denying it.

Regulus put his plate on the table, thanked Euphemia for the food and went up to his room again. he closed the door and sat on his bed, he hadn’t had time to think like this in ages; maybe he had, but it was a topic he’d rather ignore.

yet ignoring didn’t remove his issues - it potentially only made them worse. and the longer he thought about it, the more he came to the realization that maybe he didn’t hate Lily, but that he maybe only hated (?) her because she loved who Regulus loved too, and maybe because James loved her, and not Regulus.