Unlike the typical welcoming demeanour it held, the air at Hogwarts that day was bleak and nauseating and downright miserable. At least, it was for Evan. The sky was completely clouded over into a washy mix of empty white and drizzly grey; the September breeze scraped at the skin of the students who dared to venture outside, harshly biting at them even more than usual. Naturally, Evan was sitting by the edge of the lake, freezing cold and skimming, no, chucking, stone after stone into the lake just to watch them sink, sending water everywhere as they went down into the murky depths, each with a loud plonk accompanying them. It was a miserable sound, almost pitiful, signalling their exit as they plunged down into cold nothingness to rest at the bottom among all the other dull stones for Merlin knows how long. Just like my hopes and fucking dreams, he couldn’t help but think bitterly. He knew it was stupid to be so hung up over it but he was so fucking angry. And it wasn’t like he had the right to be angry, either. It was none of his business in the first place. He had ruined the day for himself. Eighteen was an age where he should be open to new opportunities and make the most of every moment but Evan had been spending the first twelve hours of it moping and trying not to scream until the lake dried up and the fog shadowing it dissipated.
Happy fucking birthday, Evan. What was your favourite gift? Was it the pathetically small acknowledgement from your parents for the first time in a month? The spellbooks from Regulus? Or was it the set of paints from Pandora? No, it would probably have to be the neglect from Barty, if he was honest. It did seem to be taking up 90% of his thoughts at the very least, so surely it was the most meaningful. Was he even thinking sense at this point? Probably not.
As he sat on the pebbles, letting them dig into his thighs and scrape together underneath him, he couldn’t help but wonder how Evie was. How could he not? It had been the first and only thing Barty had said to him in the dorm that morning. ‘Hey Evs, you’re awake early! I was on my way out to meet with Evie before classes start, so I’ll see you in transfig, yeah? Tell Reg I left his homework in his bag after I copied it, will you? Ah, shit, Evie will be waiting and I told her we needed to talk about something important, see ya, have a nice day!’
That had been it. There was no ‘Happy Birthday, Evan!’ or ‘Wow, I can’t believe you’re eighteen!’ And absolutely nothing to suggest that they were ever more than friendly dorm mates. It wasn’t like they had been best friends for almost seven years. All this ignorance made it feel like he hadn’t bothered to remember anything about Evan, even after what happened the previous year. Yet more proof he put all his trust in the wrong people and always ends up tossed into the bloody gutter. If they were here, Pandora would have said ‘I told you so’.
It wasn’t so much the fact he was dating Evie that was the issue, Evie Green was absolutely wonderful, she was sarcastic, funny, chaotic, everything Barty could have wanted. They were good for each other. No, that wasn’t the issue Evan had, the issue was that he had jumped at the chance to date her and tossed Evan to the side like he was just a distraction he could practice on and pretend to appreciate until he could get her. A seven year distraction he could throw away just like that. Like he was something disposable. Of course Evie was better than Evan, everyone knew that, he just wished he could pretend she wasn’t. Desperation to be Barty’s first choice overtook him and wore him out mentally, he knew he couldn’t do anything about it so he pretended he was fine and made it all feel so much worse.
So he had skipped classes for the day and gone down to the lake to mope instead. It wasn’t too shocking that nobody had caught him, it was too foggy for anybody to think of going down to the lake and the teachers had gotten used to him taking ‘mental health days’ out of class. It wasn’t exactly abusing the power his anxiety gave him if being in class next to Evie and Barty would make him feel anxious, was it?
He stared at the mist twisting around the branch of a nearby tree, stroking it gently, showing it such mindless tenderness before moving away, leaving it cold and awaiting the next calm caress from the next whisp. Evan didn’t know what odd metaphorical mindset he was in but he couldn’t help but close his eyes as his stomach lurched at the thought of him being the tree. It was stupid that he was basing his life off of natural coincidence but what if Evan was a tree? Not literally, of course, but metaphorically. What if he was the tree, waiting after one tale of intimacy had come to an end, for the next person to show even the slightest bit of thought toward him.
As he stared at the ripples in the water, he wondered if perhaps he had made it all up. He has never seen Barty as a very good liar but he had kept the secret of what happened last year perfectly. What if it was all just a dream that he had taught himself to believe to hide his misery? He hoped not. Even if it had ended like this, it was worth it.
“I had a feeling I’d find you out here.” He turned around, squinting at the fog to watch as his sibling drew closer, eventually sitting on the pebbles beside him, picking one up to stare at when they were speaking. “You missed lunch, you know? That’s how I knew this was more than wanting to spend your birthday out of class.” Pandora looked at him in anticipation, putting their hand on his shoulder to keep his attention when he looked away. “You worried a few people when they couldn’t find you in the dorm or hospital wing. I know that you know that’s where you should go if you’re feeling anxious. Did you go at all?“ No response, Evan kept staring at the other side of the lake, biting the inside of his cheek to refrain from telling them to piss off. “Barty asked about you a lot, by the way. He was really worried all throughout transfig when he saw you weren’t in the dorm. Evie had to calm him down.”
Oh. “I don’t give a fuck, it’s none of his business where I am. In fact, I was under the impression that he didn’t care about me all that much anymore.”
With a pitiful expression, they leaned back on their elbows and raised an eyebrow questioningly. “Okay, what is that supposed to mean? You’re literally obsessed with each other. What happened to you?”
“Evie.”
They frowned and shook their head slowly. “Nooo, I’m Pandora, you’ve known me for exactly eighteen years now, you really should know that.”
Evan sighed and rubbed his eyes in frustration, trying to find a way to word his response without seeming clingy or giving anything away about his feelings. “No, Pan, I meant…I meant Evie is the issue. She is what happened.” He stared down at the stones in anticipation, half expecting them to jump up and laugh at him for being so stupid and obsessive.
But that didn’t happen. Instead, Pandora moved closer and put an arm around his shoulder. “Come on, tell me more. I can’t help you if I don't understand.”
He took a steadying breath and felt as the wind grew sharper and colder around him. It was becoming suffocating and part of him thought he was just imagining it because Pandora seemed fine. “Ever since he started seeing Evie, he’s started talking to me less and less. It’s like…he was only sticking around with me to not seem lonely until he got the person he was waiting for. And now he has her, he is running off and living his life like I never mattered.” As another chilling breeze clawed its way across his face, Evan decided to lie down against the stones, head resting on the edge of the grass uncomfortably.
“Okay, you’re being dramatic now. If it was really an issue, I don’t doubt you would have brought it up before. So either you’re being overdramatic, or something has made it worse or confirmed it or something. So spill.”
Evan shrugged, the pit of his stomach feeling empty, like it was tugging in on itself. He didn’t want to overshare but he had to tell somebody. “I don’t know, Pan, It’s your birthday, I don't want to burden you and ruin it.”
“Don’t be an idiot, it’s yours too and I’ll be damned if I let you suffer through it. Now, give me the gossip.”
The air in his lungs grew stale and Evan found himself almost choking out the words, begging that once they were out, he would be free to breathe again. He had no such luck. “He fucking forgot my fucking birthday, Pandora. Do you want to know why? Because he was meeting up with Evie instead.”
Their expression immediately softened as they pulled him up into a sitting position, leaning over and guiding him into their arms, smiling sadly as he broke down, finally giving up on pretending he was angry and letting himself be the heartbroken boy he had tried so desperately to hide.
With his face on their shoulder and their hands at the top of his back, Evan couldn’t help but be grateful that he had the best sibling he could have asked for. He had seen the relationships between siblings in similar positions to them crumble painfully, even in the case of his best friend, who was also a twin but had a dramatically different relationship with his brother than Evan. He was glad that at least one person in his family cared enough to hold him when he was sad. To help him through it all. It helped him feel strong as opposed to small and cowardly when his older sibling (though he would never talk about that technicality out loud) was holding him, understanding him and how it functioned. It really did help, especially when the tears began to fall. Evan was shaking by then. His cheeks were soaked and his jaw was chattering, both out of fear and due to the immense cold closing in on them. He could practically hear his father snapping at him for looking vulnerable and feminine whilst his mother scoffed to herself in the corner, disgusted that she could have created something so pathetic. It hurt. Evan was hurt and it was technically his fault. It was his fault for letting his heart be snatched and shattered.
No. No, it wasn’t. It was Barty’s fault. It was, he was the one who had lured Evan into trusting him, he was the one who decided to lead him on. He was the one who threw him away like the wrapper of a sandwich. It was all Barty’s fault. For being so easy to trust, for being pretty, for being there one the planet in general. It was his fault. Because it couldn’t be anyone else’s. Could it?
“Fuck him. Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him.” He muttered over and over, voice cracking and growing louder each time. Pandora sighed and patted his head gently, an awkward gesture only a sibling or acquaintance would do. He felt his chest grow tighter along with his grip on their arms and struggled to listen as Pandora spoke, his ears were too clouded with a high pitched noise dragging on and on, with no simple explanation and no sign of stopping.
“Please don’t do that. You don’t want to have to explain it to Evie afterwards.” They said it with a chuckle, trying to lighten the mood, but didn’t miss the way Evan froze, falling silent for a few seconds before letting out an even louder sob than the ones before, shuddering in their arms and struggling to keep himself sat upright. “Evan?” He shook his head frantically, meaning they had to force him away, insisting on making their brother look them in the eye. His eyes were bloodshot and sickening, like he had rubbed nightshade in them, and his hair was tangled and damaged from the way he had been tugging at it throughout his bout of stress. “Ev, what aren’t you telling me? Have you done anything…stupid?”
He gulped and closed his eyes, taking in three deep breaths of air that stabbed his nose and throat on the way in, poisoning his lungs even more. “I don’t regret it, if that’s what you mean.” He quickly looked away and hit the inside of his mouth until he felt it start to bleed and sting, trying and failing to keep back the tears from falling again. In reality, he would never have been able to, not even if he was the toughest man in the entire world. Not even if he was the perfect, emotionless pureblood son his parents wanted. It was so overwhelming, all of it. He really should have expected something like this the second Evie said yes but it still hurt, especially now Pandora knew how naive he had been. How easily he fell for it. And now they would undoubtedly want answers. The pure, unfaltering pity on their face had said it all, Evan had to keep his eyes away from them to avoid the anger that bubbled deep within him when he saw that look on their face. Like he was some toddler who didn’t understand anything about the world.
“Oh, Evan. Tell me what happened. When was it? Recently?”
He shook his head numbly, all intense emotion flooding away into nothing. “No it was…it was before Evie. I’m not that gross. I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t. It was during last year.”
Various birds called out, filling the silence whilst Pandora found something to say. Evan focused on them, trying to bring himself back to normal by distracting himself from the pain and naming the birds in his head.
Barn owl, blue tit, greylag, sparrow. Barn owl, blue tit, greylag, sparrow. Barn owl, blue tit, greylag, sparrow.
“Was it just one time? Or…”
Evan found himself shaking his head slowly as yet more tears found they’re way down his face. “No. We were…I don’t know. We weren’t together. He never said that. We were friends. But we were definitely not just friends. I don’t fucking know, Pan. It was never official but it was nice. It was relaxed. We would go back to the dorm and if Regulus wasn’t there…we were free to do what we wanted.” They listened intently, nodding along to every word, urging him to tell the whole story. “I guess you want to know it all from the start?”
Pandora nodded enthusiastically. “I don’t see why not! I’ll be able to help you more if I know.”
“Right, well,” the lake went oddly silent, like every being sprung them was listening in, every bird, every insect, every tree. All watching. “It started at the beginning of the school year. Reg was in astronomy for two hours and we had nothing to do so we sat and talked on his bed like we always did. We ended up talking about loneliness and then he kissed me. And I had wanted it for so fucking long that I blocked out everything else about it and cold only remember that and what happened next. It was…fuck, Pandora, it was all I had ever wanted to do and it was so bloody perfect. I’ve kissed people before and it just feels…weird. It feels odd that that is seen as romantic as opposed to anything else, it feels so plain and awkward. And it was still like that. It was still awkward and odd but it was also exhilarating. Because there was more than just boredom and lust in it. Because I know that he must have seen it at least somewhat similarly to the way I did because of the way he shivered when it happened and pulled me closer. It must have had some kind of emotional meaning behind it for him too, right? Or so I thought.”
Evan was rambling. He was going on and on and on and not stopping for air once, he had to get the story out and he couldn’t stop himself from taking, not even when tears found their way into his mouth and the freezing cold air made his throat sore and dry.
“And we stayed with each other until Regulus got back. I didn’t want to stop and he didn’t want to either, we kept going and it was so perfect, for once in his life, Barty stopped making stupid jokes and enjoyed the moment as it was without feeling the need to make it humorous, later on he said it was because he knew he didn’t need to add anything to the memory to help it stick. We stayed sitting there together, holding each other for the whole two hours, only letting go when we heard footsteps draw closer. I should have known then, when he ushered me back, that he didn’t care enough. Because I was getting up and going back to my bed and he was trying to hurry me and tell me how to act natural. He was so desperate to not let Reg know that he had done anything even slightly intimate with me.
“We pretended nothing had happened and didn’t mention it at all that night or the next day. I was just about to try and convince myself it wasn’t real when he peeled back the curtain to my bed in the middle of the night and climbed in, telling me not to question him on it and kissing me when I tried to mention what had happened the previous night. I should have kicked him out but I was obsessed and stupid and drunk on the idea that he might find me pretty.”
“Oh, Evan. You shouldn’t have stopped him. You really never have had it in your heart or do so.
Not when you loved him that much.” They muttered, resting a hand on his arm softly. He ignored it and kept staring ahead, desperate to go on and finish the story before he lost the motivation to.
“So it happened again and I let him sleep in my bed for the night. And then next. And the next. And the next. And we got closer, we didn’t talk as much as real couples but we got to the point where we would be able to identify each other’s bodies blind. We did talk, of course. We were still friends, but it was more physical than anything else. Until it wasn’t.”
Pandora leaned closer, trying to steady him by pushing against his shoulders as he shook and sucked in staggered, weak breaths. “What do you mean? What happened? Did you do anything? Did you ask him what kind of relationship you two had? Did you ask him on a date?”
He shook his head, waving a hand dismissively. “No, it wasn’t that. It’s more of what he did and how I reacted. It had been about 5 months by then and we were closer than ever. I was almost entirely certain he was the love of my life.” He watched a ripple run along the water of the lake. “It was after classes and we had sent Regulus down to the kitchens for some snacks. At least, that is what we told him we were kicking him out for. Barty was just desperate to talk and I wanted to know what it was so we found an excuse and decided to do it then. I asked him what he wanted to talk about and he told me that he was lying and that he just wanted to touch me. And I was okay with that. It was what our whole relationship was built on. So I went along with it. And it was fine. I kissed him and he kissed me back, like he always did. He kissed my jaw like always. Everything was so familiar and perfect. But then he pulled away and he looked different.”
Pandora was engrossed, so much so that they had stopped hugging themselves to keep warm, it was like the cold no longer affected them.
“Different?”
Evan nodded, picking at the skin on his fingers. “Yeah, not really different, but, well, I had seen his face up close so many times the past few months that I could tell something was wrong. He looked slightly dazed and giddy, like he was drunk on some sort of emotion. He put his hands on my cheeks and just stared at me and I felt empty. Like when you stay up late at night under the covers and everything is so quiet that it feels unnatural and you feel alone and confused and somewhat nostalgic. And life feels so fucking empty but like something is lingering there at the same time. And his pupils were blown so much that even if the light was on, I probably wouldn’t be able to see even a sliver of brown. So I put my hands on top of his and I said ‘Barty, what’s wrong?’ And he just stared at me and laughed. And then he went quiet and he leaned in and our foreheads were touching and it was so much more meaningful and romantic than anything else we had done. And I wanted to stay like that forever…”
“And then?” They prompted, nails digging into Evan’s arms as they sensed the climax of this story coming.
“And then he said he loved me.”
Pandora was deathly silent. Probably due to shock. They didn’t speak as they pulled Evan into another hug, squeezing him practically to death.
“He said he loved me, Pan. And we hadn’t…spoken about that at all. We didn’t label anything or go on dates or talk about emotions. So I thought he was taking the piss. And I don’t upset.”
“Of course you would.” They laughed.
“Of course I would. I got upset and I sort of…froze. And he took it as a bad thing and he got up and left. He walked back over to his bed and pulled across the curtains, pretending to be asleep when Regulus came back. And I spent the whole night planning how I was going to tell him that I loved him without humiliating myself. Because I still partially believed that it was a joke so I wanted to be safe. I sat there and thought through so many plans, from kissing him in the great hall and yelling it for everyone to hear, to writing a note, slipping it in his history of magic textbook and running away. I sat there for bloody ages and hardly got any sleep.”
“And what happened next?” They didn’t let go of Evan as they asked him.
“The next day he started dating Evie. I never got my chance.”
The numbness returned as the story ended, even worse than before.
Pandora was now crying too. “Oh Evan. You should have told me. I’m your big sibling, I should know about these things so I can help you. Have you told anybody else?”
He shook his head weakly.
“Evan, you little fool. That’s unhealthy.”
“I know.” He muttered against her shoulder. “I didn’t care.”
They held him even tighter. “And then he started to forget about you?” Evan nodded. “And that started to take a toll on you?”
“Yes, He whispered. “I can’t even cast a patronus anymore. He was my happy memory.”
Sending a topic change, Pandorapulled away slowly. “What is your patronus? I’ve never seen it before.
“It was a swan. I often wondered if his was the same, I don’t anymore. Even if it was, it would match Evie now anyway.”
They stayed like that for a while, next to each other in silence, grateful to whoever was out there for family. Everything was calm and understanding, the bitter wind barely bothering them anymore.
Around twenty minutes later, Pandora smiled and stood up slowly, smiling as Evan frowned from the ground.
“It’s all going to be okay. Please believe me when I say that Barty was worried sick when he couldn’t find you. He was jittery and stressed the whole time, Evie kept trying to get his attention but he wouldn’t listen until she started crying about you instead of just telling him to settle down. You have an impact on him, Evan. It’s just the way things are.” He opened his mouth to protest but they shook their head and put a finger to his lips. “Don’t. I’m going to get Barty and send him here and you’re going to talk properly and come to an understanding. I’ll yell at him for forgetting our birthday but you are forbidden from making him feel bad unless he acts like a first class cunt, okay?”
He hesitated but nodded. They turned and smiled back up to the castle and as Evan sat and waited for Barty to appear running towards him, the atmosphere grew warmer and the sun peeked through from behind the wall of clouds for the first time that day.