Strawberry & Cigarettes

After that October 31, 1993, everything went down a spiral of madness. 

Every day felt the same, the only thing that kept him sane was how close to the redemption he waited for 12 years was just around the corner. So close he could feel it, smell it, taste it. 

And it tasted like a fucking, disgusting rat. 

November went by in a blink of an eye, and he knew it was December because the days were shorter, colder and the white immaculate snow made the castle look straight out of a fairytale book. Inside the Shrieking Shack, it was always cold, but at least the four old walls of the abandoned and haunted house protected him from the ruthless winter storms. The situation was dangerous, at least for him. After the fiasco he pulled out outside Gryffindor's common room, he needed to premeditate every step now. The only glimpse of hope he had to feel normal again was that kind girl who had the consideration to spend time with him, even as a dog. Sirius felt a bit guilty, if she knew who he was, she would probably run and hide, scream and turn him in. So, was it too bad to be selfish just because he craved human contact? Barely hanging on by a thread, Sirius Black, fugitive, alleged murdered and traitor was now jogging around the Hogwarts grounds, following the voice of that sweet innocent student who called for him.

"Hey Doggy!" You greeted him with a smile, he learned to trust you, the girl with rosy cheeks and a dark grey cardigan. "Sorry I've been missing these days, school and... well." She leaned against a pine tree. "There's a criminal marauding the school, doggy."

Marauding. 

If he could only laugh at the irony. 

But he just barks.

"So I hope you understand when I tell you I cannot stay for long." Your words made him whine. "I brought you a gift!" Opening your bag, you pulled out an old, crimson blanket, with little yellow ducks. "Is an old blanket I brought in my second year, I think, and I don't use it anymore. Plus, the weather is getting worse, so maybe you can find a warm place to sleep with it." Sirius wanted to cry, to sob like a child. That was the nicest thing someone did for him in... well in 12 years.

Placing the blanket on the ground, he sniffs it. It smells like you, and a subtle familiar scent, chocolate. Sirius learned a lot about you, and he enjoyed being your personal confessional, hearing someone made him feel like a human again, like a normal person. He liked to hear you rambling about school, the Weasley twins, Snivellus, and his favorite topic, Professor Lupin.

The moment he connected the dots, it was the most hilarious thing he had ever witnessed. 

In the beginning, he was a little shocked. The one and only, Remus John Lupin, risking his career for a student? His whole reputation just for some adorable eyes? Then, Sirius learned you were more than just some adorable eyes. He heard you, resting his snout in your thigh, explain (with almost too much detail) what happened the very first moment Remus and you locked eyes outside that greasy dump that could barely be called a bar. He also felt sorry for you, seeing you struggle so much with your feelings could only give him a hint of what Remus was going through as well. The more he knew about the situation, the more he wanted to throw away all his disguise and hug you, to explain why his precious Moony was so insecure and doubtful of his right to be happy. He internally gasped and cursed his lycanthrope old friend when he heard the words he said to you. Confused? Mistake? If he could only beat some sense inside his dumb brain... It was way better than the cliche novels his mother used to read and believe him, those were pretty dramatic. Sirius listened to you ranting about Cedric, about your feelings, how your poor heart suffered. Sirius also learned you had a big heart, you loved to help others and you were always the first one to stand up and raise your voice, and he valued that, especially after all the injustices he had been through. 

"So, he's caging me against the door all like; 'I'm your Professor, I believe that hierarchically you are forced to obey me'," And Sirius internally laughed at your pretty accurate Lupin's impersonation. "And well, long story short he kissed me, and I'm so weak I just kissed him back." Sirius barked at your words, who'd say it? Moony being such a pimp.  "Then, he's all like 'I'm too old for you, I'm your professor', yeah, maybe. But, I think I really like him, so what's the matter? Although he doesn't look like the type who broke rules at school, Doggy."

Sirius laughs again, if only you could know...

Hearing the rest of the story, he even felt ashamed of being Moony's indirect cockblock, but it was hilarious at the same time. The situation was hysterical, you knew a side of Remus that Sirius didn't know about, and vice-versa. The Moony he knew from many many years ago, was probable more mature, and as he imagined, bitter and still the same insecure, lonely wolf he was. Sirius knew the Moony who was a troublemaker, the one who was ashamed of his scars but confident with his speech, the boy who back in Hogwarts had plenty of girls drooling behind him, the boy who every full moon had to hide and, with the company of his friends, spend the night as a werewolf. You, on the other hand, only knew Professor Lupin, the pleasant and diligent professor who was always there for their students, the one who still had plenty of students drooling all over him, you being one of them. The professor who was questioning his morale and life choices, but undoubtedly felt something towards you, something that scared him, because he was too afraid of himself. Sirius wished to approach him, he missed his old pal, and he wanted nothing more than to hug him and scream at him, to laugh by his side, and congratulate him for achieving such an important role in his work life. Padfoot always knew Moony could teach and instruct like no one else, he was always so patient and caring, it was just a matter of time. 

Of course, he missed the old days, the days when he used to run around the school grounds he was now forced to be hiding in. He missed the warm fire of the Gryffindor's common room, he missed the late-night pranks with the rest of the Marauders, but above all that, missed being a free man. 

Sirius knew Remus more than anyone else, and he only wanted him to be happy, to enjoy the little things in life, and Sirius quickly gained a certain fondness towards you. In his eyes, you were the perfect match for Moony, even if he was too blinded by his doubts and traumas to realize it. He continued to be the affable black dog that kept you company, hearing you laugh, cry and complain, just like he had done since the very first day he encountered you. If he could, he would also call you Mrs. Lupin, but he preferred Mrs. Moony. 

He dragged the crimson blanket all the way back to the Shrieking shack, using the shortcut under the Whimping willow, and inside the old, abandoned house, he finally had some rest, he covered his skeletal and dirty body with the blanket, feeling for the first time in years, happy. Happy to be back, happy to be cared of. Knowing there was someone who worried about him, even if it was for the wrong reasons, and that night, he had a dream. A beautiful dream, where everyone was alive, where everyone was happy. Where he joined his old group of friends, laughing with James and Lily who had a precious baby with green eyes, pushing Remus just to start a playful fight until James joined, and the best part of his dream was, that Peter wasn't in it. 

So, Sirius Black, fugitive, alleged murdered and traitor, had a peaceful night, after 12 years. 

Christmas eve was quite different this year.

A week after Christmas break, you were 80% sure Professor Lupin was ignoring you, again. Every time you tried to approach him, he either had something else to do or was absent. So while pretending to pay attention to Professor Snape's improvised lessons replacing Lupin, and being viciously drowned in homework (also courtesy of Severus), you were determined to at least, let Professor Lupin have a piece of your mind. Writing down all the words you couldn't say out loud, mainly because they weren't exactly civilized, you spent the last days of the first term rehearsing the little speech you had prepared for him, and with the help of the Weasley twins, you were now ready to speak your heart out, once and for all!

Outside the DADA classroom, you waited at least twenty minutes, already being late for Hagrid's class. 

The waiting only fueled your determination, and you opened the door only to find Professor Snape at Lupin's desk, with his usual aggravating expression and an unholy amount of parchment in his hands. 

"Quite impetuous, aren't you." His harsh tone doesn't go unnoticed. "If no one answers the door, it means you're not welcomed inside."

"Where's Professor Lupin?" You asked, ignoring his blunt demeanor. 

"I've noticed your particular interest in him." He was implying something, something you didn't like at all. "I would suggest you keep your distance, Mrs. Lupin."

"And I'll suggest you keep your nose out of my business, Professor." It was a risky move, sure, but the anger you felt was dangerously bubbling up to the surface, and you weren't having the best week to deal with him too. 

"You think you're so smart aren't you?" The snarky reply only made your insides growl. You hated the superiority tone he always carried. "I expected you to already face over the facts, looks like you're not as clever as everyone thinks." With large steps, he exited the classroom, leaving you with a frown. What did he mean with facts?

Sputtering your way to your next class, being 30 minutes late, you were surprised to encounter Jennifer and Ariadna midway to Hagrid's hut. "Class is dismissed," Ariadna explained, something about Hagrid being busy with a trial regarding Buckbeak. 

You heard about it, briefly at least. You weren't quite fond of little Malfoy and his brainwashed entourage, you hated how they strutted themselves as superior for something so insignificant like a 'blood status'. It was an idiotic ideology, filled with prejudices and a disgusting urgency to show off power, completely ridiculous. Just like usual, the little scoundrel with blonde hair made his voice (or at least his father's voice) known in such a delicate matter, and when you heard how Draco was attacked by Buckbeak, even if he deserved it this time, you instantly knew nothing good was about to happen. While following your friends and catching up with a few fellow students, you stumbled across Cedric, who headed up to the library.

He greeted you with a smile, a smile that made you feel guilty for pushing him over and over, he was a great boy, maybe that's why it was so hard for you to say no. Perhaps Fred and George were right and you were unable to 'say no' to anybody, so while cursing yourself for being so considerate, you took a seat next to Cedric, who kindly asked you to help him with his potions homework. The Hufflepuff boy gave you all his attention while you talked about Draught of peace, an ironically difficult potion to brew, he took notes and admired the easy way you explained it, radiating assertiveness and confidence, so when he least noticed it, he was daydreaming about you, next to you. 

You snapped your fingers once or twice in front of him, trying to gain his attention. "Hey." You called him, smiling. "Seems like you spaced out, uh?" 

"Sorry." He blushes, ashamed of his behavior, but give him credit, you looked so beautiful under the pale sunlight shining through the library windows, the sunset brushing your skin and making you glow. 

"Am I really that boring?" You joked, knowing how tedious it must be.

"It's not that." He replied, rubbing his neck a bit flustered. "You look really pretty when you teach, that's all."

"Oh," Now it was your turn to blush. "Thank you." You watched in silence how Cedric's hand approached your face, placing a stray lock of hair behind your ear. 

The unmistakable sound of someone clearing their throat brought you back to reality. Turning your head you met Professor Lupin's eyes, who traveled your face to Diggory's. "Am I interrupting?" He asked, affable as always. 

"Not at all, Professor." Cedric greeted him, unaware of the sudden tension between you and the DADA professor; He's been ignoring you for days and now he suddenly appears? The conversation he holds with Cedric s muffled by your thoughts, the words you prepared for him to hear now dangerously making their way to your lips. Not here, not now, or at least that's what you're thinking.

"I'm sorry, but I need to speak with you privately." Professor Lupin said now directed to you. The idea of declining his petition crossed your mind, but deep down, you really wanted to be alone with him. 

Excusing yourself and apologizing for leaving earlier than intended, you kissed Cedric's cheek, not missing the way Professor Lupin's jaw tightened. You followed his steps, which were still faster than you would expect from a man using a cane. The sun reflected in the large castle windows seemed to follow you two, the golden sunset bathing the two waking figures. This was a different path, an emptier route, one that, to your surprise, it lead you to his private office. Professor Lupin was quick to hide the obvious wolfsbane potion placed on top of his desk, praying for it to be unnoticed by you, maybe having you so close to him with the full moon being just that night was a rampant choice on his part, a desperate attempt to pull you away from Diggory's grip, and after giving it a thought it sounded really stupid, Remus, a full-grown adult, annoyed by the actions of a teenager. He was now forced to face you, and it had to be quick before the moon made its presence known in the night sky.

"I was looking for you." You broke the silence, crossing your arms and looking rather upset. 

"I know." When Severus walked back to his office to deliver the last bits of wolfsbane, he expressed about the encounter between you two, not in a fond manner. 

"Watch your behavior, Remus." Snape spat at him, the disgusted look completely indelible from his long features. "Your little teacher's pet was looking for you, desperate for your attention. A Professor with... your condition is already reason enough for people to despise you. 

The impulsiveness that controlled his body during the full moon, was getting weaker with the years, he wasn't a whimsical teenager anymore, but lately, he has been unable to control his emotions and actions with you so close to him. The now-familiar and monotone conversation between the two sides of him who couldn't agree. Adding the possibility of an encounter with Sirius Black, who was now closer to the castle, Remus felt his head spinning wildly. After all those years he wasn't able to believe what happened, how the tables turned so violently, he never got the chance to hear his version of the story. 

"We need to clear some things up." You had a bad feeling in your gut, this was something you were supposed to do the very first day you encountered him again, were you unconsciously delaying it? 

"I'm getting tired of this game." You continued, the words that with so much effort you enunciated inside your mind were quickly forgotten. "One day you smile at me and the other you won't even bother to look my way. I know is against the rules, I understand that you have a reputation to maintain." The confidence your body irradiated surprised Remus, you seemed to be one who knew exactly what she wanted. "I think you're wonderful, Remus. I barely know you, yes, and please do not go over with the same story of you being too old for me." You quickly added when he opened his mouth. "If you don't want to be with me, I'll understand it, just say it, don't treat me like a toy. One day it looks like you want me and the other it looks like you hate me, and I really can't handle it with all of these damn possibilities of war and with my nerves on the edge 'cause there's a murderer on the loose."

"I'm truly sorry if I ever gave you the impression of you meaning just a plaything." He tried to choose his words carefully, he wasn't used to letting people so near him, not after all these years of being alone. Words were hard to stumble with, at least for him. "I really enjoy spending my time with you, and I would be more than delighted to spend every day next to you." Remus briefly remembered the events of Halloween night, the encounters he had witnessed before including you and Cedric, or even the twins who were always hovering around you like crimson flames. A constant reminder of how young you were, of how you had the whole world at your disposal. He remembers the uncomfortable sting of jealousy, how your lips were just centimeters away from Cedric's, how he looked at you back in the library, just like you were the only person in the world.

Remus wanted to look at you that way, without fear of being judged, without the constant pressure of his lycanthropy in the back of his head, whispering constantly how someone like him didn't deserve someone like you. He wasn't entirely scared of what people would think about him, he was used to the judgemental looks and underestimating glances people gave to him since he was a child, always murmuring and talking about his scars and shy demeanor as if he wasn't in the same room. 

"You should date him." It was obvious who he was talking about. "He's the perfect guy for you, he looks at you with pure love in his eyes."

You would be lying if you said you haven't given it a thought, Cedric was a dream come true, yes, but you were so infatuated with the man in front of you, you couldn't picture yourself with anyone else. Not even someone as perfect as Cedric Diggory, the golden Hufflepuff boy. "He is cute and all, but he's not the one I want at the end of the day." It was true, you were flattered at the attention he gave you, not being exactly used to being complimented like that. "I know you were jealous, and you don't have to be, I only want you." The sincerity reflected in your eyes made Lupin's heartache with guilt but also with pride. Knowing you preferred him was a relief, sort of. 

"You deserve everything, and the only thing I can offer you is a scarred body and an uneasy mind." He whispers, more for him than for you. 

"It sounds like the whole world to me." The shy smile on your pretty face made his heart flutter. You took a step closer, cupping his face slowly, giving him the time to back away if he wanted to.

But he didn't.

Your lips brushed, and the feeling was mind-blowing, just like every time it happened before. Your thumb traced the large scar over his nose. "I know this relationship is not an easy thing to deal with." The anger you felt earlier was quickly fading away at the soft glow of his honey eyes. "I know many people won't approve of it, but as long as I got you, I'm happy."

The kiss that followed your words was sweet and tender. It felt better than any first kiss. His hand caressed your cheek, delicately, as if you were a beautiful porcelain doll. 

It was the glimpse of a promise, one you hold tightly during the lonely Christmas break you spent at home.  

Things back at home weren't as bright as they seemed. Mom was absent this year, traveling around the world sponsored by one of her new boyfriends. At least she promised to be there for Christmas day. You enjoyed the peace and quietness, spending your break reading, taking small walks around your neighborhood, owling Fred and George who invited you nonstop to spend Christmas at the Burrow with them, and in the end, you accepted the invitation. After Mommy dearest permitted you, you borrowed some money from the familiar savings and spent a whole day shopping for Christmas gifts at Diagon Alley. The holiday's spirits were a bit down this year, with the menace of a wizarding war and Sirius Black's screaming face at every corner, wall, and light pole printed in moving paper. People were quick to return back home to the safe and warm spot with their families.

You bought gifts for everyone, the twins, Molly and Arthur, you assumed Bill and Charlie will be around that year, so better be safe than sorry, you spend more than expected picking gifts for Percy, Ron, and Ginny, not knowing what they liked, assuming Harry would spend Christmas with them, you also bought something for him. Not forgetting Ariadna's and Jennifer's gifts, you could barely carry the bags in your hands after a couple more stores.

Your thoughts finally landed on Remus, earlier than you imagined. Hoping it wouldn't draught too much attention, it wasn't unusual for students to gift something to a Professor they esteemed, right? Or that's what you were trying to get inside your brain while you bought his gift. Something special and meaningful. Something he could look at constantly and remember you.

Christmas at the Burrow was way better than you expected it to be. The Weasleys received you with open arms, it was the closest you had ever felt to a real, loving family. Molly was delighted with your company, and she hoped the twins would behave in your presence. The food was delicious and the late nights you spent laughing with Fred and George were ones you will cherish deeply in your heart, you met their older brothers who greeted you and treated you like family, just like everyone else did. you played chess with Ron and Harry, laughing at Ron's desperate attempts to brat you, you slept with Ginny, their little sister who you now adored, she was so cute and you also spent your nights talking with her, hearing her helpless crush on Harry, and gossiping about some mutual friends in Hogwarts. The mornings were wonderful, eating Molly's mouthwatering breakfast and hearing the whole family talk about everything and nothing at the same time.

"So." Bill, the oldest brother who was sitting at your right, looked at you. "Do you have a boyfriend?" 

"Bill!" Molly scolded him, with a wooden spoon in her hand. "What kind of question is that!" 

You chuckled, you weren't bothered by it. "S' fine, and no, I don't have a boyfriend."

"But she really, really, really likes someone." Fred insinuated, leaning over the table with a devilish grin. 

"Who's the lucky guy?" Bill joined, you assumed it was the signature Weasley teasing. Even Ginny leaned closer, you heard her talking all night long about Harry but you didn't speak a word about someone you fancied.

"Tell him how lunatic you're for him," George added, and you blush.

"Leave the poor girl alone!" Molly hit the twins in the back of the head with the wooden spoon, and the whole table just laughed. 

While you boarded the Hogwarts Express on a cold January morning, life felt a bit brighter. The ride back to the castle was peaceful, with no dementors, no accidents, no mishaps. You slept peacefully on George's shoulder all the way, exhausted from yesterday, being forced to play a very rudimentary version of Quidditch in the Burrow's enormous backyard. Jennifer and Ariadna greeted you on the horseless carriages and made sure you didn't fall this time. After small catchup and some Christmas gifts being exchanged, the three of you walked to the Great Hall, ready for dinner. 

Professor Dumbledore's speech during that new year and new term of school were sure to raise every student's mood and hopes. With dark times approaching, everyone would be clung to those encouraging words, because if the Headmaster said them with his rumbling and agreeable voice, it was 100% true. Catching the way a set of familiar honey eyes lingered over you, the smile Professor Lupin delivered only for you, made your heart flutter. You felt guilty for not writing him a letter for the holidays, you assumed he spent them with his family or at least hoped so. You couldn't stand the idea of Remus being alone. 

The first week of January goes by, and you can't seem to find a perfect moment to hand him his gift, every time you try to approach him when he's alone, another student or even a professor joins the room, it was harder than you anticipated. The first weekend you spend back at Hogwarts, you are sitting on your favorite spot outside the castle when a familiar bark caught your attention.

"Doggy!" Your cheerful squeak turns into a giggle when the dog barks back. "I missed you too, boy." You scratch him behind his ears knowing exactly how he likes it. "Oh, I have so much to tell you." And you do, venting with your loyal companion. Sirius sat next to you, chewing the piece of strawberry and cream pastry you gave him, being honest, he missed hearing your voice, your gossip and the human contact. "So, we kissed, and it was the most wonderful, sweet kiss I ever had..."

Sirius's chest was swollen with joy, was Moony finally giving in? He hoped so. Maybe the time for him to show his true self was near, and he wished nothing more than to be normal again. He could almost taste it, the freedom. The only thing he needed was to catch that little disgusting rat he had smelled from miles around. So while you spoke wonders about Moony, both of you failed to distinguish the steps approaching your way.

Remus' voice caught your attention and even scares you for a moment. Sirius feels his heart-stopping for a second. 

The black dog next to you, takes a few steps back, tensed up. Remus recognized him instantly, how couldn't he? There's not a single black dog bigger than Padfoot. The lycanthrope's eyes widened, quickly trying to gain control of the situation. "What are you here?" He asks, wand in hand, you were sure he was talking to you, I mean, why would he be talking to the dog?

You were completely and utterly confused. "I was just taking a walk, why?" You stand up, not imagining your first encounter after weeks apart like this. The black dog barks at him, and you frown. "Doggy, he's a friend."

"Doggy?" Remus choked. Suddenly, it hit him.

You knew nothing about the black dog's real identity. 

"How long have you been hanging around with this dog?" Remus takes a step closer and Sirius takes a step back. Not like this, this wasn't supposed to happen like this.

Placing a hand on Lupin's arm. "Since September, I think." You felt like you were missing something important. "Remus, what's going on?"

He wraps a protective arm around your waist, which made you yelp. "Go back to the castle."

"But, I want to know what's happening." The dog quickly ran away, and when you try to follow him, Remus stops you.

"I'm not going to repeat myself, go back to the castle and wait in my office until I come back." The harsh tone, one he has never used to address you, makes you shrink. You obeyed him without uttering another word. Remus regretted his words but it was necessary. 

He ran following the trail the dog's paws left in the white snow, ignoring the scream of pain his body makes, already sore from the previous full moon. Remus encountered face to face the Whimpering willow, and aiming his wand he pronounced the spell he heard Madame Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall speak countless times when he was a young student hiding his deepest secret under the stars and the dark, narrow path that lead him to the Shrieking Shack. Stepping inside the old house, he ignored the wave of nostalgia that crashed into his mind, he had no time for that. He follows the faint scent that guided him to the second floor. Breathless, Remus Lupin encounters for the first time after 12 years one person he missed with all his heart, soul, and mind. 

"Remus!" Sirius exclaimed, feeling his eyes watering. It has been so long, he was just the same ol' Moony, and he was the same ol' Pads. 

"Sirius." He replied, breathlessly, not only for the persecution. 

Padfoot took a step closer, uncertain. "I promise you she doesn't know, she just thinks I'm a dog, I know I shouldn't have done that, but I couldn't help it, I was going insane, I just..."

His words were cut off by two strong arms being wrapped around him, and he hugged back at Moony with all the strength he had. Sirius pressed his face against his friend's chest, he was just as tall as he remembered. The embrace lasted at least five minutes, Sirius sobbed, happier than ever. They had a lot to talk. "I missed you a lot, arsehole," Remus muttered, with a smile. 

"I missed you too, Moony."