I can't believe how much this hurts. I didn't think anything in this world could hurt this much. I feel like I'm dying. Actually, I'd welcome death with open arms right now.
"Fuck, this hurts so damn badly," I cry, gripping Remus’s hand tightly and squeezing the bed sheet with my other hand as another contraction seizes me. It's the worst one yet, and I bite my lip and squeeze my eyes closed, trying to breathe through it and remain calm. "God damn, I want this to be over!"
"It will be soon," Remus says encouragingly, smiling at me as the contraction subsides and I stop panting. He grabs the wet cold cloth from the stand next to the bed and dabs my sweaty forehead with it. "You're doing great. It's almost over."
I shoot him an evil look. "What the hell are you talking about?" I bark at him. "I still have to push a human being out of my vagina. It's far from over." Another contraction hits me and this time I don't even try to suppress my cry and I smack the bed railing as hard as I can with my free hand.
I lean forward with this contraction and Remus rubs my back soothingly. When it's over he eases me back down and offers me the cup of ice chips. I shake my head vigorously.
I know it's almost time to start pushing. The contractions are nearly on top of each other now, and when the nurse checked me nearly an hour ago I was at eight centimeters. I know that stage is going to hurt like hell, but I'm ready for it. That means this will be over quicker.
With my next contraction, something feels different. I feel immense pressure in my pelvic area, and the sharp pain actually takes my breath away. I gasp and squeeze Remus’s hand so hard that I must be breaking his fingers. "Remus! Call the doctor! I think I have to push!"
"Regulus, you should wait until –"
"Remus, NOW!"
He needs no further motivation. I reluctantly let go of his hand and he gets up from his chair so quickly that he nearly trips. I watch him disappear into the hall and suddenly I'm fighting with another contraction. This one is so bad that I raise my knees to my chest to try and make it bearable. But I can't – nothing is helping. I'm panting and sweating and crying and just ready to end this misery.
I wish James was here. Why isn't he here yet? Remus called him hours ago. They should have been able to get him by now. He promised to be here for me. He promised to be my side when I bring our child into the world. I want him here. I need him here. I need his support, his strength.
Within minutes Remus returns with two nurses and Dr. Turner in tow. He immediately smiles at me and moves to the foot of the bed, quickly pulling on his latex gloves and crouching down between my legs. Normally I'd feel exposed and uncomfortable with a strange man looking at my vagina . But right now, I welcome it. Anything to make this torture end.
I wince as he checks my progress. Remus is right back at my side and he takes my hand and tells me everything is going to be all right. I'm not sure I believe him at this point. My husband isn't here and I'm about to give birth without him – how is that okay?
"You're ten centimeters, Mr. Black. What do you say we have a baby?" Dr. Turner asks with a smile.
I scowl at him. What is this we shit? It's all me. Me in this bed in agonizing pain, me about to push a watermelon sized baby out of a whole the size of a lemon. There is no we in this. He gets to crouch there with his gloves and watch my agony. But I don't vocalize how I feel. I just nod, sweat dripping down my forehead into my eyes.
Dr. Turner looks at Remus. "Would you like him to stay?"
I nod quickly. "He’s my best friend. He stays."
I know I don't have to ask Remus. I know he’ll stay with me. He wouldn't leave me now; not since James isn't here and not since he’s been here with me through the entire labor.
"Okay. On the next contraction I want you to push, okay?"
I nod again and wait for the inevitable pain. Before it hits, I look at Remus and ask, "Why isn't James here yet?"
"I don't know, reg. I called him. He is on his way. he'll be here soon," Remus says softly, smiling at me. He can see the pain and fear in my eyes. "You just need to focus on this baby right now. I'm here with you. I won't leave you."
I start to say thank you, but I'm cut off by the most powerful and pain contraction yet. I cry out in agony and Dr. Turner yells at me to push as hard as I can. I can barely breathe – how am I supposed to push at the same time?
Somehow I manage to find the strength to push. And the pain just gets worse and worse. By the time the contraction ends and Dr. Turner tells me to stop pushing, tears are rolling down my cheeks. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough, it's too painful, and I can't do it without James beside me.
"I-I can't do this!" I sob as Remus dabs my forehead again. My hair is clinging to my forehead and my neck and Remus quickly removes his hair tie and pulls my hair back for me. I'm thankful for that action – at least it won't be sticking to me or falling in my face.
"You can do this," Remus encourages. "You are the strongest person I know." he rubs my arm gently and smiles at me again.
The time to push comes again and I push as hard as I can, screaming the entire time. The pain is indescribable and I feel like I'm being torn in half. When the contraction finally ends and I relax, I'm panting so hard it takes me several seconds to catch my breath. When I do, I grab at Dr. Turner wildly and desperately say, "I want the epidural. I changed my mind. Give me the epidural! This hurts too much!"
"Mr. Black, I'm afraid it's too late for that," Dr. Turner says calmly, obviously used to such outbursts and pleas from birthing parents. "Next contraction, push again. We need to move this baby down."
The next contraction comes and I grunt and push as hard as I can. I feel more pressure in my pelvis, and I scream again. I'm holding Remus’s hand in a death grip and I'm astonished he is not complaining about the pain I am inflicting on him. My best friend doesn't deserve that. It should be my husband who receives my death grip while bringing his child into the world.
I push for the next twenty minutes with no progress. I'm fully aware that first births can sometimes take hours, but I had hoped I would be one of the lucky people who got the baby out in two pushes. No such luck.
Dr. Turner tells me stop pushing and there is some activity between my legs as one of the nurses comes in for a look. I'm suddenly terrified that something is wrong, and I pull on Remus’s hand. "Remus– is there something wrong with the baby?"
He looks down at the foot of the bed and back at me, trying to be reassuring but I can read his uneasy expression. "I'm sure they're just checking you out. The doctor would say if something was wrong."
I was told on many occasions that I have a narrow pelvis. What if I'm not able to give birth? What if I can't get the baby out? What if it gets stuck? I always assume the worst, but the worst is possible in this situation.
After several tense minutes, Dr. Turner asks me push again. Before I do, I ask him if anything is wrong. He just looks at me and says, "We need to get the baby crowning. I may have to cut you to assist in delivery."
That terrifies me, so on the contraction I gather all my strength and push with all my might, grunting and moaning. I feel a shift in my hips, and then an intense burning, like my vagina is on fire. It makes me gasp and take Remus’s hand in a death grip again.
When the contraction ends, the pain lets up a little and Dr. Turner flashes a smile and says, "I saw the tip of the head that time. The next push should have your baby crowning. You're going to feel a lot of burning and you're going to want to stop pushing, but I need you to not stop. Keep pushing through the pain."
That's not what I wanted to hear at all, but I do as I'm told. I feel the contraction building and I take a deep breath and give it all I have. The pain is at its worst as I feel the baby's head forcing its way out slowly. It's so bad that I feel my knees shaking, and I start to pound the mattress with my free hand, all the while screaming and crying.
"Get this baby out NOW! Just fucking cut me open! Give me a c-section!" I relent, surrendering completely to this awful pain.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Black, but the baby has progressed too far down the birth canal for that. The head is starting to come out. Keep pushing, Mr. Black. Every contraction. He comes out a little more with every push."
My next push the pain becomes so bad that I lurch forward in an attempt to make it somewhat bearable. I'm panting and sweating and crying as I struggle to birth my child.
Remus puts his arm around my back and squeezes my shoulders. "Come on, Reg. I know this hurts. But you can do it."
I pant loudly and manage to say to him, "I can't. I can't."
"Yes, you can. This is you and James’s child. You waited so long for him. You want to meet him. You can do this." He thinks for a minute, and then adds, "We all want to meet little Potter-black. Make it happen."
Even though I'm in agony, I manage to smile at the name James. I'm giving birth to our son. I'm going to be holding him soon.
That thought gives me the motivation I need to push – hard. This time I can literally feel the baby's stretching me. I can't suppress my scream as I feel myself stretch to the limit. Dr. Turner announces he has to cut me and I start pleading with him not to. I don't want this pain to be worse. But there's no choice, and I feel him cut me.
"Push harder," Dr. Turner instructs.
I can feel my face growing as red as a tomato as I push with all my might. My knees are shaking from my efforts. "What the hell do you think I'm doing?" I manage to bark out when I can suck in a breath.
I stop pushing for a few seconds to regain my strength and my breath. Sweat is dripping into my eyes again, and Remus quickly wipes it away and whispers to me that I'm doing well and I'm going to meet my son soon.
"Push again, Mr. Black," Dr. Turner says again.
I flash him a look. "Stop telling me to push! I know to push!"
If I thought the pain was bad before, it's a thousand times worse now. There is no relief whatsoever. Before there was relief after a contraction ended and between pushes, but now the pain is constant. Contractions are one right after another, the baby's head is halfway out and I've been cut. There is no relief for me now. Only pain.
I struggle through three more pushes, not moving the baby much. My motivation disappeared when the pain increased. Pushing only makes it worse, and I can't take it.
I want to punch everyone in the face who says childbirth is beautiful. There is nothing beautiful about this. Sure I'm going to get a baby as a result, but right now it's all blood and pain, and the most physically difficult thing I've ever had to do.
After twenty more minutes of pushing and barely moving the baby, I'm ready to give up. I'm exhausted and I can't do this anymore. I have zero strength and motivation. I let my knees fall to the sides after my next push and announce I'm done. "I'm done – I can't do this. It's not working."
"Regulus," Remus says, rubbing my back again. I suck a deep breath in and bite my lip until it bleeds as I look at him, struggling to keep from crying out again. "Regulus, you're going to be okay. I know this hurts. But think how happy you're going to be when you see your baby."
I squeeze my eyes closed against the pain and burning I'm feeling in my lower region. I hold my legs closed – I'm not opening them again. This is ridiculous. I can't do this. I shake my head wildly and let a cry escape. "I can't do it, Remus! I need James!" I burst into tears. Not just from the pain – but also from James not being here, for missing the birth of his child, for not being here to support me when I need it the most.
The baby is going to be an only child. I am never, ever do this again. If James wants another child, we will adopt, or we'll use a surrogate. There is no way in hell I am putting my body and myself though this again.
"Mr. Black," Dr. Turner says sternly from the foot of the bed. "You have to get this baby out. The longer he stays in, the higher the risk of stress to him and you as well. I'm afraid you have no choice."
I shake my head again, and this time when Remus goes to tighten his arm around my shoulders, I shrug him off me. I don't want him touching me now. I don't want Dr. Turner touching me now. I don't want anyone touching me. I want this baby out, the pain to end, and I want my husband.
At that moment I hear the door to the delivery room open. Before I can turn my head to see what's going on, I hear the sweetest sound in the world – my husbands voice. "Regulus! Oh my God, I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner!"
Within seconds he’s at my side. I immediately grab him and sob, and he takes Remus’s place on the bed next to me and wraps me in his arms. "Oh, baby. I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry I wasn't here!" I can hear regret and tears in his voice. I don't want him to feel guilty. he's here now, and that's all that matters.
My momentary joy over seeing my favorite person on this planet is cut short by an immense pain; my son demanding my attention and reminding me that he still needs to enter this world. I grab James arm and cry out, squeezing his as tightly as I can and moaning.
"I'm sorry, but you both can't be in here," one of the nurses says, looking between James and Remus.
"he's Regulus’s husband– I'll step out," Remus says quickly. he's probably relieved he's being spared any more crushed fingers and the possibility of going deaf from my screaming.
James is smoothing my hair back, and he turns to look at Remus as he moves away from the bed. "Thanks for being with him, Remus. I really appreciate it."
Before Remus can answer, I reach out for his hand and call his name softly. He quickly steps up to me and takes my hand. I can barely talk against the pain, but I manage to get out, "You're great and you really helped me. Stick around so you can meet your nephew."
Remus’s eyes light up when I say that, and he smiles. "Of course I will. I'll be right outside." he leans in and kisses me on the head, giving my hand a squeeze before he steps away. "I know you can do this. I'll see you soon."
As soon as he's out the door, we get back to business. James talks me into spreading my legs again and I put my feet in the uncomfortable stirrups and prepare to completely surrender to the pain again.
"I'm here, baby. I'm here with you. We're doing this together," James keeps saying, his voice sure and steady as he rubs my back.
Hearing his voice so calm and comforting seems to give me strength. He takes my hand and I squeeze him with all my might. It's his turn to have crushed fingers. But he gives no reaction to what I'm inflicting upon him. Instead, he continues her calm mantra and tells me how much he loves me.
I push again, and I can feel the baby sliding out a bit more. The pain is at its worst, and I cry as I grunt with the effort to get him out. I look down at my round contracting belly and see it sinking down a little every time I push. My body is trying to assist in the birth. I wish it would put forth more effort.
Several pushes later, I stop to rest. I struggle to catch my breath, and I feel nauseated. James leans his forehead against mine and takes both of my hands as I pant wildly. "You're so beautiful, Reg," he tells me, releasing one hand and stroking my cheek gently. "So, so beautiful."
Yeah, right. I'm drenched in sweat, as big as a whale. I'm sure I'm real attractive.
"It hurts so goddamn much," I sob, leaning against my husband . "Please let this be over." I really regret not getting that epidural. Remus had tried to talk me into it when I was offered the option, but I declined because I didn't want myself or my baby to be drugged. I wanted to be aware of everything, and I wanted my baby to be awake and alert. I wish I had listened to him. I would gladly offer up any amount of money for some pain relief right now. Someone could knock me over the head with a wooden board and I'd be happy and content. I'd love them forever.
"This baby is stubborn," I pant out. "He needs to come out now. He's killing his father ."
James laughs. "He's a Potter, for sure. Stubborn, just like his dad. He holds me close and kisses my neck as I prepare to push again. He runs her hand down my arm. "Hard, baby. Push hard. I want to meet our son."
I do as he says, grunting again as I give it my all. The burning in my vagina increases and I know I've moved the baby out more. I scream as I continue to push, and Dr. Turner tells me I'm doing well and to keep pushing until he tells me to stop.
When he tells me stop, Dr. Turner asks James if he’d like to have a look at our son entering the world. James looks at me, as if seeking permission. I nod quickly, and he goes down to the foot of the bed to have a look. A smile forms across his handsome face, ear-to-ear, as he comes back to me and kisses me.
"Oh, Regulus! He has hair! Black hair! He's so beautiful!"
Tears spring to my eyes at the thought of a baby boy with black hair. Happy tears. For a moment, I forget the pain I'm in. "He has hair?" I ask, my voice dripping with emotion. I can't wait to see him!
James nods at takes my hand. "Want to feel him?"
I look at him in anticipation and nod. he gently guides my hand to my vaginal region. "This is your son. Our son. He's so perfect."
I can feel him. He feels wet and soft as I stroke his hair, tears streaming down my cheeks. I'm touching my son. Aside from when I married James, this is the happiest moment of my life. All this pain I've gone through the past few hours has been validated. I have a son; and he's going to be here soon. I'm going to be holding him in my arms.
Dr. Turner gives us a few minutes before he interrupts again. "Mr. Black, on the next push the head should be completely out. Then we have to work the shoulder through. That's the most difficult part, so I need you to focus and push when I say so, okay?
I nod. I'm suddenly filled with newfound motivation. I want to hold that baby. I want to talk to him, to have his little fingers wrap around my hand. I want to rock him and watch him sleep. I'm ready to be a father, because I have the most wonderful person at my side.
On Dr. Turners instruction, I push again. He counts to ten, and at seven my cries take on a higher intensity as the widest part of my son's head passes through me. I squeeze James’s hand and cry and grunt until Dr. Turner tells me to stop pushing.
"The head is out. Take a moment to catch your breath, and then we need to move the shoulders through. When you're ready, I need a very hard push. You have a large baby, Mr. Black. Let's get him out."
I mentally prepare myself for what I know is coming. I'm terrified and elated at the same time. I'm focused on the grand prize as the end of this struggle, and I hang onto that. My husband tightens his grasp on me and whispers, "You can do this, Reg. Let's meet our son. I love you so much, baby. You're incredible."
The next few minutes are a blur. I push so hard that I feel like I'm going to pass out. My vision actually tunnels as I focus all my attention on pushing. I can hear myself grunting and screaming but the only sound I'm really listening to is my husband encouraging me and telling me that this battle is almost won.
Without warning, I feel the worst pain of my life and I scream so loudly that I'm afraid I'll deafen everyone in the room. But it lasts only seconds, and then the pain is over. Just like that – it completely stops.
At first I don't realize what has happened. There's no way so awful pain can stop that suddenly and quickly. It's such a relief that I fall back against my pillow, thanking God for the sweet relief and finally calming down and taking normal breaths.
And then I hear it – my son's cry. My face lights up and I start to cry. He's here! I did it! I brought him into this world.
"Congratulations, Dad’s – you have a healthy baby boy," Dr. Turner says with a smile, and he places our son on my stomach.
I reach for him immediately as James starts crying beside me. As soon as I have him in my arms, I know he was worth every second of the pain I suffered through to have him. He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I'm crying in happiness now as I hug him to my chest and say, "Hello, You're so beautiful."
James kisses me and looks down at our baby. We both gaze at each other with teary eyes. "He has grey eyes, Regulus . Look at his grey eyes!"
He nods and I watch tears run down his cheek as he touches our son. "Just like you. He's perfect, Reg. He's so perfect. You did such a good job, baby."
I hold Him for several minutes, looking him over. I'm in awe of his beauty. He's looking into my eyes, as if he understands who I am. I smile at him. I've never felt such instant love to another living thing. He's only minutes old, and I already love him more than anything else on this planet. I already know I'd give my life for him.
I hand him over to James so he can hold him, and I smile at the gorgeous sight of my husband holding our so. He talks to him, his voice choked as he tells him how much he loves him and how long he waited to have a child. I already know he's going to be a great father. he was made for it.
A few minutes later today, Dr. Turner tells us they have to take Him to weigh him and get him cleaned up, and I need to be stitched up from the birth. I cry as they take my son away – I don't want him to be away from me, even for a second.
Dr. Turner helps me deliver the placenta. I'm afraid it's going to be difficult, but it slides out with one push with barely any pain. I guess after pushing a baby out anything is easy. As soon as the placenta is delivered, the nurses start to clean me up for my stitches.
Jsmes is still looking into my eyes, keeping my attention as the stitching process begins. I barely feel a thing. I don't know if they've numbed me down there or if I can't feel a thing because of the stretching and cutting that went on. All I know is that I'm focused on my husband and thinking about the wonderful future we're going to have with our son.