Chapter 4
Regulus never wanted to confront anyone else from his past. Everything was difficult. The noble house of Black was in shambles after everyone thought he died. The only ones left were Sirius, Andromeda, and Narcissa. Lucius and Bellatrix were rotting in prison, his mother and father were dead. If Regulus had continued to live his life, he would have been lord black by now.
He was comforted with the thought he had never lived to become the Lord of their house. Regulus wasn't raised as the heir after all, that was Sirius. Regulus was the family's spare, but he was taught and trained to be the future lord to the bare minimum. His parents had never expected for Sirius to run after all.
Regardless, Regulus had done his best to pursue his parents' standards and expectations for him. It would have been— It was the reason for his downfall. His parents wanted him to be a death eater, thus he became a death eater in his first life and died because of it.
He was thankful for himself and his reaper. He lived more and more lives, and experienced different futures. But Regulus lived. Fate was cruel, yet sometimes it was merciful. His reaper had said that to him many times, murmuring how fate had condemned the reaper as well. Regulus couldn't understand— because his reaper had experienced the cruelties of fare as well, maybe that was why Regulus grew so attached.
"Uncle Reggie?"
Regulus blinked in surprise, looking down at Luna who had tugged at his sleeve. He smiled thoughtfully at her, discarding the potion he had been working on to sit over the fire, moving to pat Luna's head. Regulus had decided upon using Pandora's potion lab in her home, having used the floo to enter the rook shaped house.
"Yes?"
"Can we buy some books? Maman won't allow me to read her books until I'm older."
Regulus contemplated his goddaughter's request for a moment. Luna was still five years old and most of his own books weren't suitable for her. There were gory details along with complex words the child may not understand within the texts he owned. He understands that Luna, being the daughter of two Ravenclaws, had a sort of insatiable curiosity and creativity.
"Promise to behave?" Regulus asked.
Luna nodded vehemently, eyes sparkling in joy. Her excitement was clear, a natural love for reading as Regulus knew. Xenophilius and Pandora were no different, as he usually found both husband and wife burying their noses in books. He had even been told that their first date was to a bookstore where they both recommended each other's books. Romantic for bookworms.
"I'll behave! I promise!" Luna swore, excitedly jumping. She grinned, before glancing towards the cauldron. "Potion."
Regulus hummed, before his eyes went wide and he frantically ran to the potion. Screeching like a banshee as he hurriedly dropped several ingredients into the cauldron and carefully, ever so meticulously mixing the ingredients into the potion. He sighed in relief, wiping the sweat of his forehead before turning to Luna.
The little girl was giggling, grinning at him. Regulus could compare it to the sun. His little god daughter that had brought back light to his life when he first held her five years ago. Regulus was her one and only god father, and Luna was his one and only god daughter.
"Oh you cheeky little brat." He sighed dramatically, but he wore a fond smile. "Come help me, then we'll go to Diagon and buy you your books. Don't be surprised if I brought you more about potions."
"Of course not! Maman stole a bunch of your potion books, y'know."
"She what?!"
Flourish and Blotts was rather crowded, and Regulus was quite worried he might lose Luna in the crowd. He wouldn't let go of her, carrying her in his arms as he darted to the potions section of the bookshop. Luna immediately giggled at his decisions, lightly teasing him about it.
"What about that one?"
"I'll buy that for you when you're in your 3rd year. For now, I'll have you study the basics of potion makings and the attributes of potion ingredients. Think of it as an advanced study for when you attend Hogwarts." Regulus hummed, picking out two books, one each of the subjects he mentioned.
Potions was a subject that he excelled in when he was still a student. He had loved the subject so much he wanted to be the best of it, which caused him to grow resentful and competitive with Severus Snape. Snape was a candidate for the potions professor when Dumbledore was still headmaster, but due to the headmaster being fired, Snape was not allowed to take the job. Unfortunately, it was still Slughorn who was teaching the new generation.
Regulus couldn't help but pity the current students.
"Ooh~ I want that one!" Luna pointed to another book to the left of Regulus. Her godfather hummed, taking the book out of the shelf and inspecting it.
It was the standard book for care of magical creatures; Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them. The author, Newt Scamander was an eccentric yet genius of a man that had a great affinity to magical creatures. The book had helped Regulus survive care of magical creatures when he was still a student. He had to take the subject if he wanted to understand more on the potion ingredients he'd have to use after all.
Glancing to Luna, he saw the way her eyes shimmered at the book, and smiled. Xenophilius always had a great fascination with magical creatures, thus it wasn't much of a surprise that Luna was excited to read about them. He shook his head in amusement, nodding as he moved towards the cashier and prepared to purchase the books.
Putting Luna down, he placed the stack of five books on the counter, taking out his coin pouch.
"That would be 75 sickles."
Regulus had taken out three galleons, humming as the cashier carefully placed his books into a paper bag. As he was handed the books, he thanked the cashier before turning towards Luna. He froze, eyes going wide as he stared at the blank space where Luna was supposed to be. All color drained from his face, whipping his head around and eventually roaming the shop in search for his god daughter.
Luna was nowhere to be found in Flourish and Blotts, causing Regulus to run out the shop. He was panicking, worried for the safety of his god daughter as he took out his wand and whispered a tracking spell.
"Appare Vestigium, Luna Lovegood." he murmured, watching as Luna's footsteps appeared. He traced the footsteps towards a magical menagerie, groaning quietly as he followed the steps. He dodged the people of the crowd, moving towards the menagerie with a firm determination.
Regulus couldn't blame Luna. She was a naturally curious child, but that never stopped him from worrying to death.
"Luna? Sweetheart, where are you?" He exclaimed in a pathetic attempt at making his goddaughter come to him. Unfortunately, she did not and he continued to follow her footsteps to a shop a few feet away from the menagerie. He spotted a flash of pale blonde hair, sighing in relief as he called out to her.
"Luna!"
Luna turned around, eyes wide as she ran towards him. Regulus immediately picked her up, discarding the books and having the float behind him. He would have rather held his god daughter than a bunch of books.
"Goodness… don't run off like that!" Regulus scolded and Luna had a solemn look. She nodded, sniffling as she rubbed away the tears in her eyes.
"Sorry… I saw— I saw a niffler in the menagerie. It kept on trying to get my attention, and— and— it was so cute!" Luna tried to explain, tearfully stuttering out her words. When she had realized that the crowd was far too thick to go back, she had ended up sobbing and crying out for her mother.
Regulus simply sighed, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Don't make me worry like that. I almost had a heart attack."
Regulus frowned at her, as Luna nodded in understanding. She was still whipping away her tears, before turning back and smiling. "Thank you for helping me!" She said, and Regulus couldn't help but turn towards who Luna was speaking to. His blood went cold, the color on his face draining away as he stared at a familiar face.
"Regulus?"
His breath hitched. It has been seven years since he heard that voice call out to him. He only heard it in his dreams of course, but the reality of it made him want to melt. But Regulus felt fear, gulping as he took an unconscious step back. A regretful action indeed as he saw James stiffen at his actions.
"I—" unable to speak, Regulus looked down at the floor. He felt nervous, scared, and absolutely regretful. James was right in front of him, but the man had a son. He wasn't going to ruin his happiness by appearing out of the blue. Thus, out of his own guilt and stupidity, Regulus turned around and tried to run.
James immediately saw this, grabbing Regulus' wrist with a pained look. He saw the flash of fear on Regulus' face and couldn't help but be brought to the moment James had found out Regulus became a death eater. It had been an argument, it was the cause of their break up. James had lost Regulus and now his love was right in front of him, holding a child with similar silver eyes.
"Regulus please." He begged, desperation in his voice as he held on to Regulus tighter.
"Don't—" Regulus choked, forcing down his own emotions. He wasn't going to cry in public for Merlin's sake. He was still a Black after all. No way in hell was he going to show a stranger his own tears. "Not in front of the child. Please… not in front of her. I'll— I'll—"
Regulus stuttered, hesitantly looking up to the anguished glint in James's eyes. It brought pain to him, his heart aching as he saw how James refused to let him go. "Later… let's— let's, uh, meet here tomorrow. Lunch…"
'Are you stupid?! You don't wanna meet him!'
Regulus scolded himself, wishing he could bang his head into a wall by now but Luna was still in his arms and James was holding his wrist. He gave James a desperate look, to which the man glanced at Luna who looked worriedly at them.
Reluctantly, he let go and Regulus took a few steps back, before running away. It broke his heart to see Regulus run away from him. But he couldn't blame him. Not after James had called him a vile person.
He staggered back, vision blurring as he took out his glasses. He had absolutely no idea why he had done that, as his vision got worse and worse.
"Please… please keep your word…"
Regulus landed back in his apartment, pale and sweaty once again. Luna couldn't help but frown. This was the second time it has happened and both situations were caused by the presence of James Potter. She didn't know whether to question the pain her godfather felt or resent James for hurting him to such a point.
Unlike the previous time, Regulus set her down, clenching and unclenching his fists.
"Kreacher!"
The elf popped into the room, bowing his head before looking up at Regulus with wide eyes. The second son of the Black family looked utterly frustrated, hand covering his eyes as he took in deep breaths.
"Take… watch over Luna… for a bit. Prepare some snacks for you and— and—"
"Of course, master Regulus. Kreacher will take care of little miss Luna for however long you like." Kreacher bowed until his nose was nearly pressed against the floor. He could clearly see Regulus' agitation.
Regulus nodded, sighing as he patted Luna's head and waved his wand. The books packed for them began to arrange themselves on the table. Luna gave her godfather a sad look, before picking up the Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them book, and continued to read on the couch.
"He'll be fine… he's Regulus Black." Luna told herself, opening the first page of the book.
"Indeed you are correct young miss. Would you like Gougère? The young Miss Luna especially enjoyed the ones I had made." Kreacher suggested. He was rewarded with a gentle smile and a nod from Luna. Although his smile was crooked and ugly, Kreacher immediately started preparing the ingredients and materials to make the french cheese puff.
Regulus was back in his room, burying his face into his pillows as he relentlessly sobbed. He had seen and spoken to James, even had his hand— well wrist, held by him. Seven years of avoiding James and here he was, weak and tired from merely being in his presence.
His breath hitched, gasping for air as if he couldn't get enough of it. His heart aching, rolling in his bed as his blankets wrapped around him. He sobbed, regret and guilt swallowing him as he thought about his ex lover. Sirius had made him happy. Pandora made him happy. Luna made him happy. James made him happy.
("Don't wait for someone who won't be patient with you… promise me that.")
"Dear Morgana… Hadrian, what should I do?" He asked, knowing full well that his reaper would not answer him. Seven years ago, Hadrian had promised he would never show himself to Regulus till the day the man died and has kept to that promise.
"I want to go back to Iceland. I want to wander the garden you gifted. I want to…" he trailed off, weeping in between sentences. His desire to return to the home Hadrian had left him years ago. The peace within that home was perfect for Regulus, as he reminisced while wailing.
"I want to go home…"
Grimmauld place was never home.
The house Hadrian had built him in Iceland was home.
He shuddered, slowly closing his eyes as he felt a warmth wrap around him. It wasn't his blanket. The warmth had a mixture of coldness that Regulus recognized as the sensation given to him when his reaper appeared. He chuckled wryly, wrapping the blankets tightly around him as if to imitate his reaper embracing him. This was something he had done for the past seven years.
The soft sounds of Regulus' sniffles were the only noises heard in the room, as Regulus whispered words of comfort to himself. He hugged his pillow, his breathing still heavy and tired. He slowly fell asleep, unaware of the invisible entity hugging him tightly.
Deadly green eyes slowly closed his eyes, arms wrapped tightly around Regulus. He buried his face into Regulus' hair, humming a soft and calming tune.
("I will protect you.")
Regulus murmured several profanities and English and French as he nervously prepared himself for the promised meeting between him and James. His voice grew louder and louder as he spoke several French curse words, tugging at his hair. Frustration was evident in his expression as he tore off the tie and threw it on his bed. He slammed his closet open, glaring at all his shirts like they had personally offended him.
He took in a deep breath, grabbing a navy shirt and scrutinizing it. He sighed, giving up on his endeavor to find a perfect outfit and shrugged off the white shirt he was wearing and slipped his hand through the sleeve of the navy shirt.
"Reggie? If you're wearing a dark colored shirt, maman said that you should pair it with a white coat!"
Regulus paused, blinking in surprise before chuckling. As expected of Pandora's daughter— criticizing his clothes without even having to look at it. Per the request— demands of his goddaughter, Regulus took out the only white trench coat he had in his closet. He hummed thoughtfully, tilting his head and slipping it on.
"Not… not bad actually. Good for Pandora."
He hummed, exiting his room to see Luna sketching away at her sketchpad. She turned to him, a bright and satisfied smile at the sight of the white coat. Regulus chuckled, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
"Take care of her, Kreacher. I will return in an hour and a half." Regulus ordered, giving Kreacher a stern glare. The house elf nodded in determination, grabbing a spatula and going to battle with the pan for Luna's lunch. Regulus couldn't help but roll his eyes, stepping out of the door.
"Don't be a coward!"
"You're beginning to sound like your mother."
"Merci. Je t'aime."
It only took a few minutes for Regulus to find himself in the restaurant they had agreed to meet in. He was a minute or so earlier than the decided time, but to his surprise, James was already seated in the corner of the restaurant.
Regulus carefully watched the floating trays carrying food towards the ones who had ordered them, dodging the trays swiftly and moving towards James. The man turned to look up at him, and immediately stood up with wide eyes.
Regulus couldn't help but gulp. James had worn something opposite to his own outfit. A black coat with a maroon shirt and black tie.
"Regulus…" James whispered, unable to say anything else. Said man could only give him a crooked smile, slowly moving towards his seat opposite James. The Gryffindor looked slightly disheartened that Regulus didn't say anything else. Although his heart stung, he was more than happy to bask in Regulus' presence.
The younger brother of his best friend looked healthier, neater, and seemed more free. Of course, Regulus had aged, but James would compare it to fine wine at this point. He still looked like the man he fell in love with and that brought a smile to James's face.
"It's… it's nice to see you again, James."
James felt like goo. Hearing Regulus say his name brought an unimaginable warmth that spread throughout his chest. It was like melting.
"Where have you been?" James asked immediately. He was worried, angry, and at the same time he was absolutely ecstatic. Seeing Regulus again brought back a light that he had once lost. Something James hadn't felt in such a long time. "At least… at least tell me you're safe. Tell me that you're happy…"
That was all James needed to know. That Regulus was safe, out of harm's way, and happy to his heart's content. So long as Regulus' life was basked in light, he would be content. Even if he wasn't going to be part of Regulus' life again, he was satisfied with watching from the shadows and making sure he stayed happy. All he needed was confirmation that the one he loved so much, got the happiness he deserved.
Regulus pursed his lips, glancing towards the hand that was slowly moving towards his. He wanted to recoil, yet his instincts told him to stay still. Tapping his foot under the table, he struggled to let out any kinds of words from his mouth. Speaking hadn't been so hard before, her in front of James, it was like he had lost his voice. That was the effect James had on the supposed prince of Slytherin.
His heart clenched as the desperation in James's voice entered his ears, his mind processing such a tone that he had rarely heard. James Potter was barely ever the type to be desperate. He was a man of courage, heroism, and absolutely reckless. Optimism was something James firmly believed in, thus desperation was rarely something he showed. Because he was James Potter. All that was needed to know, what James Potter had never felt hopeless, he was filled with hope, rather.
Yet in front of Regulus' was a man that has experienced several kinds of hopelessness. Guilt crept up his heart, unable to look James in the eye. It was as if that hopelessness was because of him. It was as if he was the reason why James changed so much from the bubbly boy he was back then. It was as if his death affected him so much that it reduced James to a shell of the man he was. And he was. He was the cause of such change, hopelessness, absolute desperation, and sorrow within James Potter. At the same time he was James Potter's happiness.
"Look at me." James demanded. Regulus hesitantly met eyes with the man, hazel meeting silver. "Are you happy?"
That question had always stung.
"I'm… I'm safe."
"But are you happy?"
Regulus recoiled once James asked yet again. He never knew if he was happy. He had freed himself from his own past, estranged in Iceland from the rest of his family and friends. He was satisfied with his life in another country. Everything felt convenient after he had fled to Iceland. But he never knew if he was happy. He thought he was, but Pandora had to ask the question.
James's stare was enough for Regulus to fidget in his seat. He was panicking, unable to answer the question as darted his eyes around, so long as it was not James. To his surprise, James placed his hand over his and Regulus had to restrain himself from looking up at the man with adoration. It was a futile attempt, but at least Regulus didn't look up.
"I think I am." Regulus finally admitted. He wanted to curse himself for how weak and vulnerable he sounded. He wasn't supposed to be like this in the first place. He was Regulus Black for Merlin's sake! But then again, he was facing the wizarding world's very own golden boy.
James frowned, "'You think?' Be honest."
"I— I'm satisfied! I'm comfortable… I—I'm happy…happy…" Regulus once again cursed himself for stuttering. He clenched his fist, gritting his teeth as he glared at James. A mixture of sadness and amusement within hazel eyes has him looking away immediately.
"You're lying."
"I'm not!"
"Yes you are. You always clench your fist when you lie."
Regulus blinked in surprise, turning towards his other hand, clenched tightly as his nails dug into his palm. He blinked again, before slowly unclenching his fist and grimacing. To think James knew a tell of his was not unexpected. The man, although seemed to have the attention span of a puppy, was quite observant of his surroundings.
"Are you happy?"
Again with such an insufferable question.
"Reggie…" James softly called out to him. Regulus' mouth went dry, hardly trying to keep eye contact with James.
Regulus refused to answer him as their food arrived. They ate in silence. Unfortunately for Regulus, James was staring at him whilst he ate. On the other hand, said Slytherin stared at his food as he ate and refused to look up at James. A wry chuckle pierced through the air at some point, causing Regulus to stiffen.
When the meal was done, James had insisted on paying, to which Regulus grumbled indignantly. The two exited the restaurant, James keeping close to Regulus but not enough for them to be touching. But it was enough as they wandered Diagon Alley, silent mostly with little sentences coming out of each other's mouth. James was the one who talked most, and Regulus only listened.
The silence between them was deafening, regardless of how loud Diagon Alley truly was. James was far too busy dragging Regulus towards several shops they had visited in their pasts, beginning to abandon the silence as he gushed on the memories of the places. Regulus once again kept silent, but started to send fond looks towards James, which the man did not ignore. The tension between them was beginning to subside, when James had brought Regulus to flourish and Blotts.
"Ah, how is Luna?" James hesitantly asked. He was still under the illusion that Luna was Regulus' daughter after all.
Regulus hummed, "She's in my apartment. Her parents left her for me a few days ago for their little expedition."
James blinked in surprise, but hope was evident in his expression. "Who… who are her parents?"
"Xenophilius and Pandora Lovegood."
"Ah! I remember, they're Ravenclaws right? You and Pandora were good friends back then…" James trailed off, the smile on his vanishing. He came to a certain realization, to which Regulus had also taken notice of. "She… she knew you were alive then."
Regret instantly poured through Regulus, as he pursed his lips and clenched his fists.
"I—"
"It's good that you had someone to trust." James suddenly said, a painful smile on his face. He felt envy towards Pandora, yet he felt as if it was suitable. James and Sirius wouldn't be trustworthy for Regulus, not after both of them had cursed at the boy.
"You're happy with them then…"
Such a bitter realization.
Regulus couldn't handle such a thing.
"Are you happy?"
"I don't know."
Regulus finally replied.