„Here I am waking up
Still can't sleep on your side
There's your coffee cup
The lipstick stain fades with time
If I can dream long enough
You'd tell me I'd be just fine
I'll be just fine“
Remus was lying in bed, the bed they shared…before. Before everything went wrong, before something changed, something he failed to recognize. Something which led to him questioning if everything between them had ever even been real. No longer being able to stare at the empty pillow beside him he gets up, dragging himself towards the kitchen.
In the kitchen which he hasn’t been able to clean since…empty dishes, cups and tableware was spread around. He just stared and suddenly everything in him boiled over. The realization hit him. Sirius betrayed him, betrayed his best friends, and killed them. Condemning Remus to spend the rest of his life alone. Alone without his support system. The first full moon in a long time without his pack, without his companion. And all because… because of what? What did he gain from betraying them, for using Remus… just to hurt him?
Without thinking about it, the dishes were being thrown against the wall, shattering into a million pieces, and photos being ripped from the wall. In his rage, he made his way to the living room and flipped the furniture, punching and ripping at it. And then his eyes focused on something. On one of the bookshelves stood the mug. It still had the remains of tea leaves in it. The mug Remus got Sirius as a joke. There it stood in all of its inappropriate glory.
“Here I got you something” “uhh a surprise from my moony? And it’s not even my birthday or an anniversary.” Remus handed over the small package. Sirius took it and ripped it open. Back at him stared a mug. The shape of it is unbelievably close to a human buttock. He gasped “moony you trying to seduce me with such inappropriate nonsentient objects” Remus smirked “Well did it work?” “Oh just come here!”
Remus now took the mug in his hands careful not to drop it, all rage forgotten, and he sank to the floor. He clutched the mug against his chest and sobbed. Allowed himself to grieve for the man in his memories, the man he saw, the one he loved with every molecule of his being and not the one he turned out to be.
„So I drown it out like I always do
Dancing through our house
With the ghost of you
And I chase it down
With a shot of truth
Dancing through our house
With the ghost of you“
Remus wasn’t doing well. In fact, he was doing extremely badly. It was the day of the full moon. The first one since. Every bone was aching, every nerve on fire, but the numbness was all he could feel. He knew he had to get going, get somewhere safe somewhere where other people would be safe from the monster he was. He got up and left the flat to quickly apparate to some woods in the secluded Welsh countryside. The numbness he felt was for once welcome. He laid down on the forest ground and let the moonrise come. Hoping that it might be his last. After all, what did he have left to hold on for? Soon enough the moonlight washed over him, forcing his painful transformation.
„Cleaning up today
Found that old Zepplin shirt
You wore when you ran away
And no one could feel your hurt
We're too young, too dumb
To know things like love
But I know better now
(Better now)“
A welcome numbness from the 2 bottles of fire whiskey spread throughout him. He had downed them after he saw Sirius' Bowie shirt under the bed. The exact one he was wearing when he fell through the fireplace at the Potters after his Mother had used the Cruciatus Curse on him one too many times.
Remus and James were in the living room when suddenly the floo burned bright green. „What the hell?“ James questioned. With a loud thump, a body hit the floor. It took Remus a second to realize it was Sirius. Sirius who he has been crushing on since 3rd year. Sirius lying on the ground unmoving. He wore his Bowie shirt and black jeans, probably to piss his mother off even more than his existence already did. Remus dropped to his knees. And dragged Sirius's head into his lap „Padfoot, please open your eyes!“ He pleaded with tears in his eyes. He hadn’t registered that James had run out of the room to get his mother, a healer at St. Mungos. Euphemia came busting into the living room, seeing Sirius and immediately getting to work.
Remus spent the whole evening and night at Sirius’ bedside, not even moving when James tried to convince him to sleep.
When everyone was asleep Remus finally gathered the courage to pour his heart out, the moonlight for once comforting him because it meant that his secret would be safe, obliviated by the night. With Sirius's hand securely in his, he started: „Pads you need to wake up, I need you. You make everything worthwhile. Every painful Full Moon, every long lesson, and every long night. You are a beacon of hope for me. Showing me that People can like me, that I can be accepted, that I can be loved. Even if I have to love you from afar.“ Sirius opened his eyes and breathed something that meant everything to Remus: „You love me…please don’t do it from afar. You make everything worthwhile for me as well.“
„So I drown it out like I always do
Dancing through our house
With the ghost of you
And I chase it down
With a shot of truth
Dancing through our house
With the ghost of you“
Twelve years. Of course, he had to know that his period of peace wouldn’t last. The pain he had overcome suddenly welled up again. He had worked so hard to swallow everything down. But of course, Sirius still held power over him. Even after all this time. He stared once again at the title page of the daily prophet. Sirius stared back at him for the first time in over a decade. Next to it laid a letter from Dumbledore. One which offered him the position as the new defense against the dark arts teacher. Dumbledore had written to him as soon as he had heard about Sirius breaking out. Knowing that having Harry and Remus at Hogwarts would entice Sirius to go there. Remus ripped his eyes from the Newspaper. Not having the heart to do anything to it, it having the only recent image of Sirius he saw in years. Because even after all these years he still loved him. He couldn’t help himself, even though Black probably never reciprocated the feelings in the first place. Using Remus solely as a means to an end.
„Too young, too dumb
To know things like love
Too young, too dumb
So I drown it out like I always do
Dancing through our house
With the ghost of you
And I chase it down
With a shot of truth
That my feet don't dance
Like they did with you“
Remus was fighting when he suddenly heard a blast behind him. Turning around he looked at his Partner who he had only just gotten back about 18 months ago. Months spend getting to know each other again. Months of unsureness about how to treat each other and finally pure understanding and hope coming back to them both.
Standing in the Ministry of magic, holding Harry back with all his strength he was forced to see the love of his life disappear through the veil. He knew that this was the end.