Chapter 1
Every time Regulus is on stage performing in front of thousands of people all he can think about is the past and how he got to this moment. His right hand holding James’ left in front of thousands and millions once the crowd shares videos all over every social media platform to ever exist while singing a song he had written for a past version of himself, something about being an idiot.
It couldn’t be more true to his current self and current predicament.
Regulus didn’t hold a grudge against Sirius for leaving. He understands why he had to and he was happy for him and happy that he was pursuing his dreams. But it still hurt, the part of him that blamed himself for being left behind hurt.
And the part of him that would do anything to prove to himself he was worth anything of course–eventually–said yes when Sirius came to him a year after Regulus himself abandoned the Black legacy too.
Regulus and Sirius had both loved music, they were similar in that way. Sirius left to join a band with his mates and without knowing Regulus had done the same. “The Marauders” was a moderate success with a very niche fan base, considered to be underground. Regulus hadn’t heard anything about it in the two years it was together by the time Sirius had come to him. Regulus’ band hadn’t been too successful either but that was besides the point at the time.
“We need you,” Sirius had said in a tone Regulus knew was, I’m going to greatly exaggerate what I say to make you believe you’re more important than I actually think you are. “Without Severus we’re missing something. I’ve heard some of your demos. I know you have that something.”
“I’m already in a band. I won't abandon them.”
“They’ll understand. With you The Marauders can finally get signed and we’ll be something. You and I can be something other than Walburga and Orion Black’s kids.”
“Fuck off, Sirius. You can’t just guilt trip me into leaving the only people who’ve ever been there for me.” Regulus was confused, the whole conversation was out of character for Sirius. “And living out some Rockstar fantasy won’t change the fact we are Blacks. You have to realize that is not all we are.”
“You’re one to talk.” Sirius said with a scowl abandoning the We need you Regulus act.
“What’s that supposed to mean? I left. Just as you did. Now get the fuck out of my house.” It hadn’t been his house, it was Barty’s, but the whole band had been living there for nearly a year by this point and well it felt more like his house than Grimmauld Place ever had.
Sirius started to leave without another word but at the last moment he turned back to Regulus, “Can you just think about it, Reggie? This is our dream.”
Regulus knew that by “our dream” Sirius meant James’ dream, Remus’ dream, Peter’s dream, and his own. Not Regulus’. Never Regulus’. Sirius simply didn’t care about Regulus’ dreams. And that was okay, there was no “our” or “we” when it came to the Black siblings.
Some months later Regulus had gone to Sirius, once James Potter found him on instagram and practically begged him to join them or else they’d have to quit music Regulus couldn’t handle that guilt. Regulus loved music, he loved his band, and he loved making music but Sirius had dreamt of being a superstar since they were kids. Sirius dreamed of stardom on a global scale with millions of fans who knew him as Sirius, and not Sirius Black heir of Black Industries. Regulus had the chance to make up for everything from their childhood.
He would join The Marauders to make up for not standing up for Sirius more. For not challenging all the bullshit their parents talked the way Sirius had. Regulus needed to make up for how he contributed to Sirius’ pain.
So he left Pandora’s Slytherins abruptly without many words. Not any words in person at all. He left voicemails.
“I’ve decided to quit the band. I’m– I’m sorry. I just– I need to do this. I know this isn’t good enough and I know you’re all going to be upset and I’m sorry but I can’t do this in person.” Regulus who was usually composed had been hysterically crying on the other end of the line.
In Regulus’s mind this had probably been the worst thing he had ever done. He thinks about it on stage now and after 6 years it still is the worst thing he has ever done. It hits him everytime he hears the crowd, every interview, every autograph, every tailored suit, I am a horrible person.
-
“You alright, love?” James says.
“Don’t call me that.”
“Right. Are you alright, Regulus?” James corrects himself with a grin still playing on his lips. “Is that better?”
“No.” He says. He’s reading an article about Pandora’s Slytherins, who are tied with The Marauders on the biggest Fans Choice award of the year. Regulus’ stomach hurts.
Sirius comes from the other side of the tour bus and snatches the phone from Regulus’ hand.
“What the fuck, Sirius? Give it back.”
After taking a quick glance at the screen Sirius does. “Is that what's got you all–” He cuts himself off mocking Regulus' expression.
“Fuck off,” he turns over in his bunk closing the curtain.
He zooms in on the picture of the band Pandora in the center. Her hair had to have been fifteen centimeters longer than it had been last time he had seen her. The Marauders and Pandora’s Slytherins hadn’t crossed paths in their five years of “rivalry” as the fans referred to it as. It wasn’t true. There was no rivalry, not really. Just everyone involved trying to avoid the other. Not many people know that Regulus’ had been a part of the band before both bands became popular. It wasn’t a secret. There had been some controversy but both publicity and management teams had had others sign non-disclosure agreements that kept them from speaking badly about the other.
Regulus had tried not to but when he focused on the screen again the picture was now zoomed in on Barty. He looked happy. He seemed happy in interviews too and at events. It was impossible not to run into his old band mates especially when they were almost on the exact same level of success with similar yet completely different fan bases.
He quickly moved on from the zoomed in image of Barty. It hurt to look at him. Dorcas held a snake in one hand, Regulus smiled a bit upon further inspection. He noticed Evan had gotten a tattoo, he nearly gasped.
He missed them.
He loved The Marauders. They had their moments and things as one of the biggest bands in the world wasn’t always easy but he was content with their way of life. But he missed them.
He missed his old friends. It was impossible not to. Even after six years they were the only people to have ever been truly there for Regulus. He missed their company, and their humor, and their creativity, the way they all used to create music together. Even outside of the band he missed their friendship and the security he felt.
With The Marauders it felt like they had all become more like co-workers rather than friends. James and Sirius of course were still the best of friends; a friendship like theirs could never fade. The more Regulus thought about it, maybe he was just more like their co-worker than friend. Because Sirius and Remus were. . . well they were Remus and Sirius. Peter was best friends with all of them except for Regulus.
They weren't not friends. If anything Peter was the most tolerable in Regulus’ opinion. Sirius and Regulus got along well now but they were brothers so it was different. James and Regulus were currently a couple for publicity which neither really minded. The furthest thing they’d done was kiss and say they loved each other on national television but that was the furthest from the truth. They were okay they were friends but in the way that co-workers were and in the way that James tried significantly harder than Regulus did.
James was a nice guy, he really was probably the best person anyone could meet let alone date and spend almost all day and everyday with but Regulus knew better. Regulus knew himself and if he let himself warm up to James Potter he would be lost forever.