Sirius Blacks first day at Hogwarts was full of surprises. Not only was he placed in Gryffindor, breaking a centuries old legacy of Blacks in Slytherin, but when he arrived at the Gryffindor dorms, the Magic of the Castle refused to let him continue to live a lie.
He had every intention of continuing on the path of conformity; after dinner the boys and girls were separated to go to their respective dorms. But when he tried to ascend the stairs into the girls dorms, they transformed into a slide beneath his feet and he sat at the bottom of the stairs as they re-formed, in a pile of limbs of the other first year girls who had fallen with him. He flushed and remained frozen on the floor as the girls looked between one another, confused and shaking their heads at the seemingly temperamental staircase before they continued unassuming up the stairs.
Tentatively, a bronzed hand appeared in front of Sirius, and he glanced up to see Remus Lupin patiently extending his hand to assist Sirius with a look of understanding that made Sirius feel instantly safe. With his arm outstretched, Sirius could see long, jagged scarring peeking out from Remus' sweater and quickly, he glanced away, but reached out nonetheless and took his hand.
Shyly, Sirius smoothed down his skirt and forced himself to look up when another presence came in behind Remus. James Potter was grinning ear to ear and shifting his weight between his feet excitedly.
"Well then, I guess you're with us!" he beamed.
Sirius couldn't help the smile that tugged at his lips.
"Remus, please..." Sirius pleaded, his voice reaching an embarrassingly strained note in his desperation.
Remus has crowded him against the door in their shared dorm. Peter and James are in Hogsmeade. Sirius had had the genius idea of staying behind in the hopes of continuing to avoid Remus outside of school commitments. He's been avoiding being alone with him for months. Apparently Remus has caught on after all, opting to stay behind at the last minute. He found Sirius having a slow morning in the dorm, not even dressed yet.
Remus was close. Fuck, he was so close Sirius could feel the heat radiating from his skin. His forearm was almost brushing Sirius' cheek where it reached past him to trap him against the door. Remus' other hand was hovering somewhere near Sirius' shoulder as his amber coloured eyes pierced Sirius' grey ones. Sirius was always so taken by how opposing they were in every way. He was so beautiful, and warm, and magnetic. Sirius resisted pushing himself off of the wall to get closer to Remus. Merlin he was struggling to resist, especially when Remus looked at him like that.
Finally, Remus seemed to make a decision on where to place his hovering hand- carefully touching his fingers to Sirius' jaw as if Sirius would spook at the touch. The featherlight touch scolded Sirius' skin but he was frozen to the spot.
"Sirius." Remus whispered gently, searching his face, his eyes, for something- Sirius wasn't sure. He couldn't tear his eyes away. He would give Remus anything. Anything.
"Sirius, why are you avoiding me." Remus questioned quietly, his hand dropping from Sirius' face.
"I'm not avoiding you..." Sirius tries, but guilt laces his tone.
Remus shakes his head. "We haven't hung out just us in months. I don't understand." Remus said, stepping back and wrapping his hands around his own waist. "What have I done wrong?" He asks, quiet enough that Sirius is sure it was more a self reflection than a question directed at him.
"I-" Sirius hesitates, deflating more, if he could. "It's not you, Remus. You haven't done anything wrong."
"Then where have you been?" Remus replies thickly. His lip wobbles slightly and Sirius thinks his heart could shatter at the sight. "I miss you."
Sirius rushes forward, reaching for him to sooth him but Remus flinches back. Sirius drops his arms and furrows his brows in confusion.
"I miss you too, Moony." He replies instead, his own voice wavering at the pang of rejection.
Remus throws his hands out in exasperation. "Then why are you avoiding me!" he bursts, frustrated.
Sirius wants to shrink away, and curl into himself. He hates conflict of any kind, which could be a product of his upbringing, but it could also be that he just never wants to hurt anyone.
The backs of his eyes sting and Sirius can feel tears pooling. He blinks rapidly and shakes his head trying to clear the unwelcome emotion he is feeling. When he doesn't say anything, Remus lets out a strangled sound of frustration that seems to get caught in a sob. "You're my best friend, Padfoot, and you've been so distant this term. Please. Can you just tell me what is going on. I can fix it, Merlin whatever I have done I'll fix it!"
"You haven't done anything." Sirius says under his breath. He's afraid if he speaks his voice will crack with emotion. Remus hasn't done anything wrong. He couldn't. He's perfect in Sirius' eyes."
Remus' hands shoot out and take Sirius' in his own, and Sirius is distracted not for the first time by the fact that Remus' hands can completely envelope his own.
"Come on Pads, please. I need you with me, especially now. You know?"
He's talking about the war thats brewing. The fact that his mother is a muggle and a potential target because she married a wizard. The fact that he is nearing his seventeenth birthday and will be pressured into registering at the ministry as a werewolf. Sirius recognises that he can't be a good friend from a distance. But when he is with Remus and it's so easy to be himself, and it's so easy to love, he almost forgets that he can't love him. Because Remus is his friend. And it was becoming increasingly difficult. Sirius was entirely sure that he was doing an absolutely atrocious job at hiding the fact that he was head over heels for Remus; convinced that the only way he could rationalise following him around like a lost puppy was blaming it on taking on more canine traits of his animagus even when he changed back.
But this wasn't working either. Sirius was tired. He was tired of avoiding his best friend. It was clear it was no good for either of them, let alone their group as a whole.
"Moony I-" Sirius hesitates. He really doesn't know what to say. He was sorted into Gryffindor for a reason. So why doesn't his bravery extend to this? He knows no matter what he says, Remus will never abandon him. He will never judge him or hold his unrequited feelings against him.
There. That. Unrequited. Thats what Sirius is afraid of. But now he's hurting his Moony, and not just himself. He can't continue if he's hurting Remus, too.
Remus squeezes Sirius' hands, prompting him to look up. Remus is looking at Sirius earnestly, waiting patiently for Sirius to process his tangled thoughts and formulate sentences. Remus has always rendered Sirius unable to articulate himself in his presence. Remus doesn't seem to find it odd, but it drives Sirius insane. He could count on one thing above all else, and that was his quick wit. Remus rendered it useless.
"Fuck." Sirius huffed, resigning himself to coming clean as he gently squeezes Remus' hands before removing himself from his grasp, and settling back against the wall, suddenly needing support if he want's to continue to stand.
Remus' brows furrow slightly but he continues to wait patiently as his hands fall back to his sides.
Sirius lets out a long breath, avoiding Remus' eyes until the last second. When silver meets gold he steels himself and takes a deep breath.
"Remus, I'm really, really sorry. I know I've been a shit friend. For rather selfish reasons, too I'm afraid." Sirius swallows. He always has trouble admitting he is wrong, but he long ago rested his pride when it came to Remus Lupin.
Sirius takes a deep, steadying breath. "I uh." Sirius raises a hand and presses his nails in as he drags them along the back of his neck. "Well see, Moony, I have a bit of a crush on you. Romantically. I well. It turns out I may be a little bit. Well. Gay, now." Sirius admits, dropping his hand back to his side as he looks up at Remus to gage his reaction- albeit reluctantly.
Remus is stock still. Sirius isn't sure he's breathing. His brow is still furrowed slightly, but the only active part of his whole body is his eyes as they search Sirius' own.
Sirius feels the panic begin to set in as his heart starts to race. "I don't expect anything to come of it I swear." He rushes to amend. "It really sprung up out of nowhere and I swear I'm doing my best to ignore it so that it just goes away because even if- even if- I mean I know you said you like guys but I'm not- I mean I am but-" Sirius is stumbling over his words but Remus snaps out of his catatonic state when he catches the end of Sirius' rambling and oh he looks mad. Sirius' eyes widen and he snaps his mouth closed.
"Stop. You are as male as I am, Sirius Black. Do not ever let me hear you say something so fucking stupid ever again."
"Okay." Sirius whispers, flustered at somehow being validated and chastised in the same sentence.
Remus' face softens and he lets out a breath, the barest hint of a smile touching his lips as he meets Sirius' gaze again. "Sirius..." He says gently, the corner of his mouth tugging up slightly. Remus steps forward again, leaning one arm against the door behind Sirius, the other hand hovering again by his shoulder- this time with less hesitation, it finds its way to Sirius' cheek, cradling it. Reflexively, Sirius leans into his palm and his eyes flutter at how lovely it feels to be so close to Remus. When he opens his eyes, Remus is close. So close that when Sirius opens his mouth to breathe, he can almost taste him. His breath hitches as he meets Remus' eyes, his heart quickening as he sees Remus wet his lips with his tongue in his peripheral.
"Sirius, I'm going to kiss you, now." Remus whispers. Sirius can't speak. Gods, he can't breathe. He just nods, and Remus leans in, slowly, excruciatingly slowly, noses brushing gently as he slowly finds the right angle. Nothing has ever felt more right than the moment when their lips finally press together, never in his life has Sirius found a moment to exist for. But this. This. Feeling Remus' strong arms under his hands. Remus' hand threaded through his hair as he angles Sirius to the perfect angle for their tongues to tangle. Sirius was so concerned that his feelings were unrequited that he had never even had time to dream of what it could be like to feel so right in someones arms. To feel right. To feel seen. To feel wanted.
Sirius wondered why he had wasted months avoiding this conversation, finding he was almost a little sad that he had- yet he wouldn't take this moment back for anything in the world.