Consequences of Distraction
Seeing the ingredients before him and knowing what the final product should be, was always like the sun as it rose from that distant horizon, illuminating the world that had lain slumbering. It was beautiful to him to see how each ingredient affected those already added with the cauldron, opening a vast world of potentialities that he could, at any moment, bring into existence with his next move. Every potion, from start to finish, while always done in a predictable stepwise fashion, was unique, possessing truths and secrets that he, and he alone, was privy to. His mother had taught him that the key to understanding a potion was the nuance and that the best potion masters not only saw that, but could harness the actual power of magic in its purest sense.
It was her passion that inspired him to pursue potions when he first began attending Hogwarts. Well, that was one of the favored reasons he convinced himself to pursue it. There was also his father that had unintentionally pushed him into that vein. When he wasn't able to escape his clutches to visit Lily or the park, he'd throw himself into his thought experiments as a means of escape. In those experiments, he could see how to better handle the ingredients on that imaginary table, even while his father was screaming at him. It wasn't perfect, as he would lose that singular focus if Tobias began to unmercifully beat him. But even then, he discovered that the more frequently the abuse occurred, the better able he was to stay in that imagined world.
Lily's parents had made him realize that it wasn't normal to live in such a way, but Severus made no attempts to tell them about his home life. At first, he thought about it when he had observed the clear affection her parents had for their children. It was something that made him jealous, because he desired that sort of love from his own father. Sometimes, he'd dream about that brief time, before his magical acumen became apparent, that his father had actually been kind and generous. It was something that he couldn't help but feel sad about the next day. Lily would notice and ask him about it, but he'd lie. How on earth could he tell her the truth about that?
But the ingredient of Hogwarts, which was supposed to be an escape from Cokeworth was a continuation of what he endured at home, though admittedly not as painful. It was watching how the bond that he had with Lily had been strained to its breaking point and feeling confused by how his actions did little to repair it. He wanted so much to solve the problems that he and Lily had, but nothing he did ever seemed to be enough. She would never understand the politics of being in Slytherin house and how his house mates despised him for how obviously talented he was simply because he was a half-blood. That didn't matter to them, though they took advantage of his knowledge to improve their chances of winning the House Cup. It was only within the past two years that he learned to play the games they played for his own benefit. Severus hadn't much of a choice; it was a matter of survival.
Lily saw things as good or bad, which he loved, though it was something that he didn't quite understand. He knew it intellectually of course, but to him, everything was always varying shades of gray, depending on so many factors that he couldn't quite see life the way she saw it. When she became angry with him, before their final falling out, he tried so hard to grasp what she said, but didn't quite know how to articulate his own position. It was when she refused to talk to him that he was finally able to fashion his argument, so it was more or less worthless to finally know what to say. Severus felt guilty about losing his precious self-control and calling her that awful name and losing the one friend he had loved so much. He had wanted to tell her that in that moment, that his words weren't directed at her, or even his school bullies.
No. His reaction was geared towards his mother, whose fight had been drained from her, watching as his father almost beat him to unconsciousness. She stepped in too late to try and help. All the hate and resentment he harbored for his parents came out in that moment, though no one knew it. It took him a moment to come back to himself; to notice that he wasn't at home, but at the school that was supposed to be his refuge. The feeling of powerlessness had been a canker, ever growing and rubbing against the core of his being, that it almost became inevitable for him to lash out as he had. And as he was wallowing in the loss that he had inflicted upon himself, Severus realized that what she had wanted from him was honesty. But like a great many interpersonal interactions, he came to the realization far too late to do much more about it, adding to the ever-growing list of regrets that he carried.
And much as he had done as a child, when Lily had rebuffed his attempt to make amends, he went back to that imaginary lab, to that world which was far simpler than the one he currently inhabited. It didn't have the same allure that it had then, but the familiarity of it was something that he very much missed. Surprisingly to his teachers, Severus's marks vastly improved upon his already good marks. As he had always done when dealing with emotional things, he threw himself into various intellectual ventures to avoid that exploration. No teacher seemed to care much about him, with the exception of Poppy, who had always seemed genuinely concerned. Most importantly, she didn't really want anything from him, even when he offered to make potions for her, and that was something new to him.
Severus's mind was on what experiment they were going to be working that day, ignoring what Slughorn was talking about. He loved when they'd actually experiment, but it was clear from the beginning of the class that his professor was talking about something that he had absolutely no interest in. The class was shared between Gryffindor and Slytherin on this particular day, but he wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone that wasn't in his house. Occasionally, he'd feel Lily glancing briefly at him, almost as if she wanted to talk to him, but he wasn't in the mood to deal with this hot and cold business. What was she expecting him to say that he hadn't tried to do already? It was frustrating and even more of a reason to keep everyone at more than arms length away from him.
So he went further into his own mind, coming up with more research topics to explore in his recently acquired interest in the Dark Arts. It certainly had its appeal and the more he explored the subject, the more interested he became in it. Occasionally, he'd tune back into what Slughorn was talking about and then pursue his own thoughts when the subject wasn't interesting to him. What he wasn't expecting was half the class getting up and moving to sit by another classmate. Great, he thought. Another group project and it wasn't going to be with Lily. Severus decided to remain adamantly still, daring anyone to sit next to him, knowing full well that most people, while liking the E he'd inevitably bring, found difficult to work with.
It was partly why he was shocked when he felt someone sit next to him and Severus did not look at who it was, but certainly made it clear that whoever it was would not be treated kindly. Slughorn at last said, "You have until the end of class to work with your lab partner on your semester project idea. Remember, this will comprise a quarter of your grade in this class. This project is to be done on your own time, with your free time for research, questions, and the like."
Severus felt blindsided by the news and refused to look at whoever it was seated next to him. This was ridiculous and he'd have to see if there was a way to extricate himself from this unpleasant state of affairs. While his classmates were talking excitedly amongst each other, he remained adamantly silent. It wasn't until he felt Lily's eyes once more upon him that he decided to see who the unfortunate student was that was next to him. When he looked over, he saw that it was James Potter, the bane of his Hogwarts existence. Equally awful was the surprised look in Lily's eyes as she looked at him, but with a slight shake of her head as she looked at James, who gave her a wave, she returned to discuss the project with Lupin. Severus just wanted to die and he glared at James, wishing that just by sight he could set him on fire. Of course the prospect of Azkaban wasn't exactly an alluring prospect.
"Slughorn wanted us to cross houses," James shrugged.
"Then why is Lupin paired with Lily?"
James smiled, "I guess they're the exception."
Severus looked around the room and saw that everyone, with a few exceptions, were paired within their respective houses. He returned his feral gaze to James, "What's your game, Potter?"
"Could it be that I wanted to work with you?"
"Willingly? Did Black put you up to this?"
"No. As I said, I wanted to work with you."
"You hate me."
"Yeah, but you're the best student in this class, so it'll be top marks. Guaranteed."
"Why aren't you working with Lily? She's done well, too."
"I was going to, but she asked Remus....so, here I am," Severus stood up suddenly, startling James.
"What are you doing?"
"Looking for a window to jump out of," Severus answered. "There has to be a way out of this."
"That's going to be hard since we're in the dungeons," James laughed.
Severus practically sprinted to Slughorn's desk. The old potions' professor was there, reading over some notes of some sort. "Ah, Severus. What can I do for you?"
"Do I have to work with Potter? We don't have the best history, sir."
"Well, this is a group project. What would you prefer I do? Everyone else has already been paired up."
"Yes, I realize that...but I can do this on my own."
"It's a group project, Severus. I want this project to be done in pairs. You're an intelligent wizard, but surely you know that sometimes another mind can offer insight."
"His mind is full of cobwebs," Severus groaned as he glanced briefly back at James, who smiled broadly at him. "Please, professor."
"I'm sorry. But you should know that some of the best Potion Masters had to collaborate with those they didn't like. The results, in many of those cases, was quite remarkable."
"Yes, but they were actually brilliant. Potter is a step above a neanderthal. No, more of a half-step."
"Severus, enough," Slughorn responded. "He chose to work with you."
"That's not much of a consolation."
"Alright, allow me to convince the Slytherin in you," Slughorn sighed, leaning forward almost conspiratorially. "His father owns one of the most successful potions' companies in England. He wants his son to inherit it at some point. That being said, he would want to meet the witch or wizard that proved to benefit his son to that end. He would make another good reference for you as you pursued your ambitions."
Severus knew that he was stuck and walked back to the desk, trying to keep himself from screaming in frustration at the unfairness of it all. James looked at him and nudged him, "So you're stuck with me."
"Thanks for pointing at the obvious," Severus glanced at James in disgust.
"I wasn't the one looking for a window in a dungeon. So apparently you need a lab partner."
Severus ignored the comment, "I'm not going to fail this class because of you."
"Ditto."
"I have no intention of spending anymore time with you than absolutely necessary."
James leaned back in his seat, once more smiling at him, "The fact that we're agreeing is pretty good first step."
"Congratulations on discovering maturity," Severus bit out.