Dear James,
When are you coming home?
Please come home.
It’s not the same without you.
I know you’ve moved on and you’re married with children but please, please, please come home. It’s the only thing I beg of you because I’m falling apart. I thought I was fine, but I’m not because I stay up until past midnight every night because I don’t want to go to bed. I don’t want to lie in that big king-sized bed that we bought together all by myself.
Everyone tells me to move on, Sirius, Barty, Evan, Pandora because apparently it’s been five years. Five years. It hasn’t been five years, I would have known if it had gone five years because then I wouldn’t be able to smell you everywhere. Your scent still lingers, James. It hasn’t disappeared, even though I’m sure you can’t smell me anymore.
It’s sad, isn’t it? I miss you a lot more than you miss me.
I suppose Sirius isn’t lying when he says it’s been five years because your child is four years old, and I don’t remember seeing you with a baby when we were dating. I’ll always love you, James. Always.
To the end of time.
And I’ll always wait for you. Always.
Regulus sets the pen down and heaves out a sigh. James had once told him that he would love him forever, and perhaps that was true. Just not in the way Regulus wanted it to be.
I’ll never send this letter but perhaps you’ll read it one day after I’ve died. You won’t read it now because you’ll pity me and I’d rather you hate me than pity me. Poor Regulus Black, you’ll think, still pining after me after all those years. And I’ll just sit there and I’ll smile because I will never not pine after you, James because you were it for me. You were ‘the one’ but those feelings weren’t reciprocated but I wish they were.
I fucking wish they were.
“Reg!” There’s a knock at the door but Regulus doesn’t move, he still sits there by his living room table with his letter laid out in front of him. “You have to come out at some point, Reg!” It’s his brother at the door, probably with some new fucking speech about how he should move on. But Regulus knows that his brother would be just as much, if not more depressed if he broke up with Remus because it hurts when you lose the person you thought was ‘the one’.
It fucking hurts.
Sirius leaves eventually because it gets quiet and Regulus is left alone, the silence engulfing him again. When he was with James it was never quiet because James was always so so so so loud. Regulus remembers how the whole room used to light up whenever James walked in, he remembers how happy he used to be when he was with James.
Happy.
Happy.
Happy.
Now he’s just sad and lonely and depressed because he has nothing to live for, not anymore anyway. It’s funny though, really because he had something to live for before he had James and his life has basically just gone back to how it was before. And yet he still feels empty, like he’s sinking to the bottom of the ocean and is just letting it happen. If James were here, he thinks, he would help pull him up but he’s not so Regulus just carries on sinking.
What are you doing now, James?
Is Sirius there? He was at mine earlier but he left when I didn’t open the door so I assumed he went to yours. Sirius has always liked you more than he liked me but he never talks about you anymore.
What happened James?
How did we end up here?
Do you remember our first date? You took me to that restaurant I liked and we sat there for what felt like hours just talking about food and friends. I wish I was still there, in fact, in my mind I suppose I still am because it’s something I treasure so dearly even now that you’re gone.
“Come on Reg, why won’t you just open the door?” Remus was here now, probably only because Sirius had told him to come but Regulus didn’t budge. He was going to finish this letter and then he was going to stash it away somewhere in the bottom of his wardrobe where no one could find it.
“He won’t come out, Pads,” Remus was speaking to Sirius on the phone, “He just sits at home all day, cutting off all contact with everyone and it’s pitiful really. I’m sorry Sirius, but it’s fucking pitiful. James is fucking married, he has kids for fucks sake and Regulus is still sad. It’s been 5 years, 5, and he’s still fucking weeping over it.” Regulus rolled his eyes, this is why he doesn’t open the door because people pity him. He doesn’t get anything else but pity becuase he’s still there. He’s still stuck on this fantasy that James will come back, he’s practically begging James to come back.
I know you pity me. Becuase I don’t doubt for a second that you haven’t asked about me but Sirius pities me and Remus, I fucking heard him say it. You wouldn’t be that horrible. You would say it where you knew I wouldn’t be able to hear but at least I wouldn’t know about it.
If anyone were to ask me if I was in a relationship I would say yes, becuase I am. With you. Only it’s a one-sided relationship. It wasn’t always but it is now.
Why did you fall out of love with me?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Was it because you watch too many romance movies? Did the initials finally make sense to you? R and J, it always ends in misery doesn’t it?
I hope there’s a universe where we live happily ever after. I really do, and I wish I was there. You in love with me until death because that’s what we promised wasn’t it? ‘Till death do us part, what an empty fucking promise that was.
Anyway,
‘Till death do us part, James.
Love,
Regulus
Regulus sets the pen down on the table in front of him and leans back in his chair. Then he gets up, ever so slowly, and walks to the front door.
When he opens it, Remus is still there. “Ah, Reg,” Remus says, “How are you?” and Regulus who probably looks a mess with his puffy red eyes and messy hair says:
“Post this letter for me when I’m gone, please?”