“What on earth happened to you?!” Remus demanded. Sirius had just walked in the door, casual and cool, head wrapped in bandages and limping as if it were perfectly usual for him. Remus threw down his book and inspected his boyfriend.
“Just lost control of the motorbike, is all,” Sirius said calmly. “Flying charm is still tricky on it sometimes. Took a spill and hit some brush. Marlene patched me up just fine. Worse has happened.”
“You need to be more careful,” Remus chided him. “You keep doing this. I couldn’t stand it if anything happened to you. You could die, being an idiot on your motorbike like that.”
“Oh, lighten up, Moony,” Sirius said dismissively. “You’d be just fine without me.”
“I certainly would not,” Remus insisted. His chest burned, infuriated at his boyfriend dismissing his concern. “I would never love again.” It meant to come out indignant. Remus wanted to make Sirius feel guilty, to understand the level of anguish he was causing. Instead, it came out like a confession. His cheeks flushed.
Sirius wasn’t impressed, dumbfounded, or moved, as Remus had hoped. “Yes you would,” Sirius scoffed. “Who are you, if not pining after some bloke to take care of you? Who are you without a shag? With your list of admirers, you would have no problem finding love if something happened to me.”
Embarrassment and frustration turned to fury as it boiled from Remus’s gut to his chest. “You’re right,” he spat. “I would fancy someone else. Snog them, maybe shag. You know what, I might love someone else after you. I’d probably even marry the poor soul. But for the rest of my life, I would have to live with the fact that no one will ever understand me the way you do. Every full moon, I would howl for you. Every day, I’d be praying that our souls will even graze each other in the next life. I would spend every moment searching for a sign. Every black dog, every motorcycle engine, and every sip of firewhisky would make me think of you, but you’d be gone. I would be haunted by the memory of you. And I could never fully, properly love anyone else knowing that I’d never find anything like you ever again.”
Finally. Sirius was at a loss for words, staring wildly at his lover.
“Since the day we met, you have obliterated all of my walls,” Remus continued between heavy breaths. “I have pulled myself apart fighting my natural instinct to push you away, and you’ve persisted. Countless times. I have chipped myself away, letting you in, little by little. I am exhausted. I want to put down my guard and let you in, properly. But then, you think I wouldn’t care if you died? How dare you? After all of that, all of this? I’ll never forgive you for thinking that. And I’ll never forgive you for dying. Because you don’t know how much of myself I would lose.”
The two young men stood across from one another in hard stances, breathing intensely. A fire was lit behind Remus’s eyes. Sirius’s, stoney glass. He broke first. His hands started to shake. “Moony, I’m…”
“Shut up,” Remus barked. Suddenly, his arms were wrapped around Sirius’s torso. “Don’t ever fucking leave me, Padfoot.” His voice broke.
“I — I won’t,” Sirius said hurriedly. “Honest, Moony, I really won’t. I’m sorry. I am.” Apologetic rambles came out of his mouth like spring water. “I didn’t mean — I didn’t know — I’m sorry.”
Remus wept into his boyfriend’s chest and embraced him tightly. Sirius tried to stay stoic and cool to ground him, but streams of tears landed in Remus’s blond curls.
“I’ve spent my whole life feeling worthless and waiting to die. I’ve envisioned the relief on my family’s faces when they didn't have to deal with me anymore. I’ve just. . . never had someone fight to love me like you,” Sirius whispered into his hair. Remus continued to weep. Sirius cradled his lover’s head like a delicate sculpture and kissed it softly. He wished he could melt his apologies into a potion for Remus to drink to fully understand his regret and sorrow. Instead, the two held each other until they couldn’t take the weight anymore. Exhausted, they dropped onto the couch, Remus embracing Sirius tightly until they both gave in to sleep.