(i long to be) close to you

“Moony!” James exclaimed as Remus approached the Gryffindor table for breakfast, giving him a blinding smile as Remus sat across from him, beside Peter. “We all thought you’d sleep through first block. Rough night n’ all.”

Peter snorted, “We have Transfiguration first, you dolt. You’d have to be daft to risk McGonagall's wrath for an extra hour in bed.”

“Precisely.” Remus agrees easily as he butters his toast. Gods, he wasn’t sure if he could stomach anything until the moon was over.

“Minny would never hurt our dear Moon-Pie,” Sirius clucks, “She knows we’d be unbearable without him around.”

“You lot are unbearable with him around.” Marlene calls from a few seats down.

“Thanks, love.” Sirius snarks back, rolling his eyes.

Remus looks up at him then, catching his eye. Sirus shoots him a small smile, and then looks away as he gets pulled into a conversation about quidditch with James.

Remus uses this moment to take him in for the first time that morning.

He looks good, like he usually does. His hair is long, wavy, shiny. He's wearing it pulled back in a low, messy, bun, held up with a scrunchie he must've stolen from Mary. His eyes sparkle as he talks animatedly with James.

Remus smiles slightly to himself when he notices Sirius slip into french when he gets particularly fervent about a point, his flailing hands almost smacking James in the nose.

“Oi, Pads! Settle down will you?” James laughs, as he swats at Sirius’ hands.

“Godric, we got ourselves stuck with the thickest blokes in the wizarding world, didn’t we, Moons?” Peter nudges his arm gently, smiling.

Remus tries to smile back, but going by the concerned look Peter gives him in return, it comes across more pained than anything.

“Too right, Wormy.”

“Remus, I really was joking earlier about missing McGee’s class.” Peter tries softly. “You’re her favourite student, and the best in the class behind Lily,” They both snort as James whips his head over at the mention of Lily’s name.

“What I’m getting at is that she’ll understand if you need to fuck off for a nap.” Peter finishes with a sigh, as James asks for the third time what they were talking about.

“Thanks, Pete.” Remus really tries for a genuine smile, “But, I already miss enough class as is. She’ll stop being so understanding if I keep pushing the limits.”

Peter hums a bit, “I really don’t think she will, but whatever you say, Moony. I’ll give you a copy of my notes after you inevitably pass out.”

This time Sirius whips his head over towards them.

“What do you mean?” He demands. “Moony, are you okay? Don’t answer that, stupid question.” Sirius admonishes himself as he stands abruptly and walks towards the other side of the table.

“C’mon, let’s get you back to bed. I’ll take notes for you, since we both know Pete won’t pay attention, and -”

“Padfoot,” Remus turns to look at Sirius, who’s standing behind him, gripping his upper arm as if he intends to pull Remus to his feet. “I’m fine. Really.”

“You’re not.” Sirius protests, “You need all the rest you can get before the, um, big night you have coming up.”

“Gods Sirius, you’re only 16, when did you turn into a father?”

It wasn’t until Mary’s comment that Remus looked around and realised that they had the attention of almost the entire Gryffindor table. Some watched with amusement, others confusion, most with annoyance.

James couldn’t contain a laugh as he delightedly proclaimed, “Dadfoot!”

“Shut the fuck up.” Sirius groaned. “Why do I have to be the responsible one? James is supposed to be the mother hen, I’m supposed to be the sexy one.”

Remus snorted at that, “James isn’t mother-henning me because he knows I’m fine, dad. Now go finish your toast, I refuse to listen to your complaints about how hungry you are until lunch.” He make a “shoo” gesture with his hands, and Sirius finally relents.

Throughout the rest of the day he could feel Sirius’ unwavering gaze on him as they sat in class, walked down the corridors, or sat down for meals. He shrugged it off initially, figuring Sirius was just concerned for him, considering how shit he looked in the days preceding the moon. But he couldn’t ignore the feeling of eyes on the back of his neck, the constant questions about how he was feeling, and anxiety so tangible it was practically filling the air with its pungent scent.

He appreciated the concern, of course he did, but it wasn’t as if he would break without Sirius being there to keep him together.

Remus was used to getting a bit of extra attention every now and then, by witches and wizards alike, it was often flattering, and usually irritating.

This was different, though. Despite still (technically) being positive attention, it was overwhelming. He was used to James’ smothering health-checks, and Peter’s gentle yet consistent reminders to take care of himself and whatnot. But he and Sirius didn’t do that. They just didn’t. He knew Sirius cared for him, and he was vaguely aware he probably cared for Sirius more than a mate should, but neither of them were particularly vocal with it. They didn’t have to be.

He saw it when Sirius rolled joints for what they’d deemed his “non-magical pain relief” after moons.

How he always made sure to get all of Remus’ favourite foods whenever he snuck down to the kitchens.

How he’d sit and read books to him when he was in the hospital wing.

Sirius' every move, every action, every breath, bled with love, care, and compassion.

He didn't have to say that he wanted Remus to be well for it to be obvious.

Remus had no idea what had prompted this change in Sirius, and by the time they were getting ready for bed he had been worn thin.

“Alright, Moony?” Sirius asked for what had to have been the millionth time that day.

“Why are you doing that?” Remus demanded, turning to look at Sirius as the other boy popped his head through the drawn curtains of Remus’s bedpost.

“What am I doing?” Sirius seemed genuinely concerned, a wrinkle forming between his eyebrows. It was annoyingly endearing.

Remus, however, was not currently in the mood to be endeared.

“This!” He responded, gesturing to the space between them.

The frown on Sirius’s face deepened.

“I’m checking on you. Because we’re mates. Best mates. Not to mention the fucking blood moon happening tomorrow night. Godrick, those moons seem to drive your wolf a little extra crazy.”

“Thanks for the reminder.” Remus deadpans whilst running a hand over his face.

“Moony -” Sirius stops abruptly. “Actually, budge over.” Suddenly he’s crawling into Remus’s bed, ensuring to close the curtains behind him, and cast a silencing spell.

“I - um, what?” Remus stutters out, exceedingly confused at Sirius’s actions. What else is bloody new?

“Do you want to keep James and Pete awake with our conversation? They’ll curse us into oblivion come tomorrow.” He rolls his eyes as if this should be obvious, though Remus notices he’s nervously fidgeting with a strand of his hair.

“I didn’t realise there was a conversation to be had, Pads.” He sighs, but softens when he sees a look of anxiety flash across Sirius’s features. “What’s going on?”

“Moony, Remus, Re -”

“I’m aware of my name, Padfoot.”

“Yes, okay. Right, then” Sirius gives him a nervous looking smile. “I saw my brother the other day. Talked with him, I mean. Visited, one could say.”

“Okay.” Remus nods slowly, not understanding what this has to do with him.

“We’re doing better these days, you know? He understands now that I wasn’t trying to abandon him by leaving, he may even want to get out himself. That’s - we’re getting there.” He’s picking at his nail beds, and refusing to make eye contact, but Remus can see a small smile under the curtain of his hair.

“That’s great, Pads.” He says gently.

There’s silence for a long moment, and Remus is genuinely afraid for a moment that he'll nod off while they sit there. He’s on the verge of asking Sirius if that’s all when the other boy finally blurts out, "Do you know that I care about you?”

Remus opens, then closes his mouth in surprise, “I - Yes, of course."

“When I was talking to Reggie, he said that as a kid he didn’t know that I cared about him." When he looks up, Remus is surprised to see silent tears falling down Sirius' cheeks. "He said that I never told him that I did, or checked up on him enough. I was doing everything that I could manage, but it wasn’t enough to keep him safe. To make him feel loved.”

With a watery voice, he continues, “I can help James when he starts to carry the weight of the world, or gets a bit too sloshed when Evans rejects him, even after we lose a Quidditch match. I can help Wormy, too, when he needs to rant about how emotionally-absent his dad is, or how lonely it feels when he goes home. I’ve been there, I can understand, I can help.” He looks at Remus meaningfully as he continues, “But, Moony, I can’t protect you from this. I can’t help, and I don’t even show you that I care.”

“Sirius,” he feels as if he isn’t in full control of his body as he moves impossibly closer to the other boy, cupping his cheek, and wiping away a stray tear. It’s intimate. Too intimate. He’ll worry about that later. “I know that you care. You can’t protect me from who I am, what I am, but you’re there for me in every way you know how to be, and it’s more than enough. You’re a good friend. If anything, you’re loyal to a fault.”

Sirius leans into the hand on his cheek as he lets out a pitiful laugh, “Gods, this is embarrassing. Crying, like a schoolgirl who’s broken her wand. Making you comfort me, as I talk about being unable to comfort you.”

He sits up abruptly, starting to back away. “I’m sorry. I should go.”

Remus reaches forward tentatively, grabbing onto Sirius’s arm to keep him in place. “You realise that you need to be helped every once and a while as well, don’t you? You talk about James’ taking on the weight of the world, but you take on the weight of everybody in your world. It’s not all yours to bear. You’re doing your best, Siri, it’s okay not to be perfect.”

Remus is knocked back by the force of Sirius tackling him into a hug. He hugs back, at first, ore out of instinct than anything else, but then he tightens his hold, while relaxing his body into the embrace. They stay like that for a moment, all tangled legs, awkward elbows, and Sirius trying not to crush the boy beneath him with his body weight.

After another few moment, Sirius pulls back a bit, still not fully letting go, “Siri?” He questions with a bit of a laugh.

“Shut up,” Remus can feel his face start to warm, “I was feeling fond.”

“Okay, Re. Remy? Oh, definitely Remy.”

He groans, “That is not becoming a thing.”

“It absolutely is.” Sirius says solemnly.

“Get out of my bed, I need to sleep.” Remus says, pushing at him.

Suddenly, Sirius seems to be unsure again.

“Could I maybe stay here tonight?”

Remus sends a silent prayer that he won’t wake up with morning wood, and sighs dramatically, “Well, I suppose it would show me how much you care for me, so sure.”

The smile on Sirius’s face is worth whatever awkward situations may occur in the morning, Remus thinks, as he watches him wiggle backwards to fit himself under the comforter.

“If you hog the covers, I’ll push you onto the floor.”

“Got it, Remy.”

“I’m going to fucking kill you in your fucking sleep.”

“I love you, too.”

Remus feels his heart flutter at that, and decides that sleeping is the best way to avoid examining what that may mean.