Only Us
(Dear Evan Hansen)
The Burrow was unusually quiet, the only sound filling the home being the rain pounding against the windows. Ron lay wide awake in his bed staring at the ceiling in complete darkness. Not even 24 hours had passed since the battle ended, since they won, and yet it did not feel like winning at all. The uncertainty of their future, the memories of lost ones and the nightmares of the past year were looming from the dark corners of his small room in the attic, almost suffocating him. He carried so much sadness, guilt and relief, that he didn’t understand how to deal with it all.
Sleep definitely wasn’t an option, so he lay there surrounded by nothing but his feelings. His mind wandered to the only thing he had felt certain about before, which were his feelings for her. Throughout all the horrors of the battle, through everything he had faced and seen, through losing his brother, his feelings for Hermione always kept him going. She gave him hope, and now that everything was over she gave him happiness and peace. He should feel guilty about allowing any sort of serenity at all at this time. How dare he let his heart feel anything but sadness. Dare it feel safe, dare it be happy. Yet, somehow, he didn’t feel guilty at all, because all he could think about was her and the kiss they had shared.
She had kissed him.
She had kissed him.
Bloody Hell. Hermione Granger kissed him.
The realization of it made him smile for one second before his mind drifted towards every possible worst-case scenario he could think of. Had she only kissed him because she thought either of them could die at any given moment? Was it because she felt bad for him? Did she only do it because of what he said about house-elves right before? Why did Hermione Granger kiss him? Him of all people?
“Hey Ron,” Harry whispered, catching Ron off guard and pulling him out of his whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, “I’m gonna go down to Ginny if that’s okay.”
“Yeah,” he responded absently, still staring at the ceiling.
He felt the weight of Harry’s steps as he tiptoed out of his room. Just before he closed the door Ron stopped him, “Could you ask Hermione if she wants to come up? I wanna talk to her. Only if she isn’t asleep.”
Harry nodded, “I don’t think any of us are asleep.”
He was probably right. If Ron couldn’t sleep he doubted anyone else could. Too much had happened in the last hours for anyone’s mind to be free from nightmares, so staying up was the better option. Ron didn’t know what his intentions were if Hermione happened to actually join him. Maybe he just wanted to see her and hold her, just to make sure she was still alive, or maybe he wanted to ask her about where they were standing right now. Ask about why she had kissed him and if she was okay with doing it again. He wasn’t quite sure if he would have the courage to say anything to her at all, but he wanted to at least try. All he knew was that he wanted her as close to him as possible.
“Hi,” a soft voice coming from the doorway pulled him out of his reverie once more and he reached for his wand until the familiarity of her voice appeased him, “Harry said you wanted to see me.”
She walked further into his room and Ron lowered his wand and set it back onto his bedside table. He looked back at Hermione, taking in her beauty. She was wearing pyjama shorts and an old, oddly familiar shirt.
“Is that my shirt?” He asked, smiling.
“Yes, I hope you don’t mind,” she spoke softly, afraid anyone would hear.
“I don’t,” Ron sat up and turned to rest his back on the wall and patted the empty spot next to him, “C’me here.”
Hermione didn’t hesitate and climbed onto the bed. They sat in silence, enjoying the comfort of each other’s presence. Ron opened his mouth several times, trying to speak but never finding the actual words he wanted to use. His hesitation to talk broke when Hermione spoke to him instead, “I am so glad you are alive.” Her voice broke mid-sentence and he could hear that she had been silently crying next to him. Ron reached out and placed his hand on her thigh, “I am so glad you are alive, as well, ‘Mione.”
She took his hand into hers and lifted it to place a kiss on his knuckles. Her soft lips calmed him down until he felt the wetness of her tears on them and his guilt crept right back. He turned his head to face her and reached for her cheek with his free hand. His thumb followed the delicate line of her jaw, turning her face slightly toward him. “Please don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize either.”
They fell silent again, remaining in the same position, his hands slowly tracing circles on her right cheek and her mouth placing soft kisses on his knuckles from time to time. They never broke eye contact until Ron finally gathered the courage he had been looking for for the past few minutes. He lowered his hand from her cheek and placed it onto their locked fingers, “You kissed me.”
Hermione chuckled softly and smiled at him, “I did.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?”
“I mean why did you kiss me? There are much better people out there that you could have kissed. Not that I didn’t like it or anything. I just don’t think I should be the one who gets to be kissed by you,” he blurted out, immediately regretting it as he found it sounded worse than he had intended.
“Ron,” she let go of his hand and cupped his face, “you are the only one I want to kiss.”
“Really?” He placed his hands over hers gently stroking down her arms until they came to a rest in the crook of her arms.
“Yes, really,” she chuckled again, “Isn’t that obvious?”
“Hermione, there are so many other blokes out there. Blokes who are much better than me. Someone that –”
“Would you shut up?” Hermione removed her hands from his face and turned her body so she was sitting on her knees across from him, her hands resting on his knees.
“Hermione, I mean it. I want to be the one for you. I want to be the person you can rely on for anything, but I don’t know if I can be that person.”
“I don’t need you to sell me on reasons to want you,” she spoke softly, never breaking eye contact, “I have known you for years, Ron.”
“But you deserve those reasons. Trust me, I want to be perfect for you, but I don’t think I can and that's unfair to you.”
“I don’t need you to search for the proof that I should need reasons, Ron. I am far from perfect either.”
“You are, though. You are smart, brave and beautiful, especially compared to me. I’m not enough for you.”
Hermione shook her head, “Y ou don’t have to convince me. You don’t have to be scared you’re not enough. You are enough for me. You are brave, you are smart and you are handsome. And beyond that, you are caring, loyal and the most amazing person I’ve ever met.”
Ron felt his ears turn red and he hoped she wouldn’t notice in the darkness of his room. His vision went blurry and he dropped his head so she wouldn’t see the tear rolling down his face. Hermione reached out and pushed his chin up so he would come face-to-face with her again. She wiped away the tear with her thumb, “I think what we’ve got going, whatever it is, is good.”
Ron huffed, “Really? Cause I don’t really know if there is even something going on. I haven’t acted on any of what I’m feeling.”
“What are you feeling?” she asked sincerely.
He wished he knew how to answer that question, it seemed like something so simple to answer but yet so difficult given their circumstances, “I don’t really know.”
“Oh…” she removed her hand from his chin and he saw her face drop.
“No, that’s not what I meant. Merlin, I’m so bad at this! I’m feeling a lot of things at the moment, anger, sadness, so much fucking sadness but for you all I feel is love.”
“I feel the same.” Hermione looked back up at him, a small smile across her face that somehow reached her eyes fully.
“I am sorry I haven’t shown you,” he spoke softly, guilt clenching his heart once more.
“Are you serious right now?” Hermione raised an eyebrow at him, “And what about the fact that you spend the entirety of our stay at Shell Cottage with me?”
“You were hurt,” he whispers, “anyone would have done that.”
“And yet you were the one that did.”
Silence fell between them again. Ron couldn’t process what was going on right now. All his feelings for Hermione were too overwhelming and he didn’t know how to get them out, he didn’t know what he wanted to say. She was crying again.
“‘Mione, please. I can’t stand seeing you upset. Please don’t cry because of me. Not again.”
“I am not crying because of you.”
“Are you sure? Because I fucked up big time…, back in the forest.”
She didn’t respond right away and he studied her face, trying to read what was going through her mind, though not really understanding. She caught his eyes and her expression softened, “Look, Ron, I don’t need more reminders of all that’s been broken. This past year was hell, for both of us. But we are here now and I don’t need you to fix what I’d rather forget.”
“I want to fix it, though. I want to fix me, but most importantly I want to fix us. I want to make sure I won’t ever treat you like that again.” He didn’t know how to, but he knew he needed to try.
“I know you do, but maybe we should try to clear the slate and start over. I’ve done things I am not proud of either and I don’t think holding onto those things will do us any good. ”
“You think that’s possible?”
“To be honest, I think it’s worth trying. Of course, we can’t just act like these past years never happened and that’s not what I am trying to say. I just think you and I need a fresh start, now that we both know how we feel.”
“What if I fuck up again?”
“What if I fuck up again?”
“Did you just swear?”
“I s’pose I did. Ron, there is no way of knowing what will happen so maybe you could try to quiet the noises in your head.”
She sat up and kissed his forehead, “We can’t compete with all of that.”
He locked eyes with her again and smiled, “I don’t know, contrary to popular belief there is quite a lot going on up there,” he pointed a finger at his head.
She let out a laugh, a genuine laugh he hadn’t heard in what felt like ages, “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“What if it’s us? And only us?”
“That sounds nice,” he nodded and pulled her towards him so she was sitting on his lap, foreheads touching. Her hands were resting on his shoulders and his on her upper thigh. He could hear her heartbeat, and he could swear he felt it too.
“And what came before won’t count anymore or matter?” He asked.
“Can we try that?”
“Sure, I think I would like that.” As his arms found her lower back he finally found the courage to ask what he wanted for so long, “Can I kiss you?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
And so his lips found hers. Their second kiss was much more gentle and innocent, despite her sitting on his lap. He could feel the warmth of her lips on his, and he took great comfort in it. She deepened the kiss by pulling him closer with her hands on the sides of his neck. They broke apart shortly after and fell into a hug. He didn’t know how long they sat like that, but he didn’t really care either. For what it was worth he would have sat like that with her for the rest of his life, but there was a part of him that needed to talk to her more.
He pulled her away slightly and moved a loose lock behind her ear, “Hermione, I need you to listen to me now, because if I don’t say this now I don’t think I’ll ever find the courage to say it ever again and we want to start this right, don’t we?”
She nods, “Yes.”
“I’m gonna be honest, I never thought there’d be someone like you who would want me.”
“Well –”
“So I will give you ten thousand reasons, hell I’ll give you a million reasons to not let me go. But I need you to understand that I am who I am, and that that has caused some issues in the past, that I don’t care to repeat. I want this to work out but I also know us. I am worried you might have forgotten about that.”
“I haven’t. I really haven’t,” she whispers, “I am just willing to work through it if you are.”
“My mind is also a complete mess right now. I don’t know how I am going to deal with all that has happened.”
“I don’t either, but I want to be there for you,” the tone in her voice was so genuine that he almost cried at her honesty. He didn’t know how he could be so lucky.
“I’m gonna be there for you no matter what, I hope you know that,” she continued, “you can push me away but that won’t stop me from worrying about you and making sure you’re okay.. You should know how stubborn I can be by now.”
“Oh I know and if you really see me. If you like me for me and nothing else.”
“I do.”
“Well, then that’s all that I’ve wanted for longer than you could possibly know.”
“I do see you, Ron. I have for a while now. I know I wasn’t always the best person to you.”
“Neither was I.”
“But that’s why I want us to look at it as a fresh start. I want this to work. I want this to work with you.”
“So it can be us?”
“And only us. I believe in us. In fact, that we can do this and be there for each other is the only thing I truly believe in right now. And with nobody else, but the two of us here I can finally stop thinking about the horrors of the past 48 hours for once and – judge me all you want – actually feel happiness.”
“To judge you would be unfair because I feel exactly the same. You know I wish we could just try and watch the whole world disappear and all the fucked up shit would be gone with it and everything would be okay because it would just be us. You and me. And the rest of the world would just fall away.”
“ Only Us sounds like a good plan to me.”
“I agree.”
He kisses her again, this time more passionate. With all the weight lifted off his shoulders, he could finally let go and be hers and he felt proud that she could finally be his too.
“You know we have to deal with the real world eventually though, right?”
“I know, but for now the world falls away and it’s only us, okay?”
She nodded and embraced him in another hug. Times were gonna be rough but Ron was sure they would get through them together because it was them, and if anyone could make it, it was them.
“We can try that,” she responded, holding onto him tight, “You and me?”
“That’s all that we need it to be.”
"And the rest of the world falls away?”
“The world falls away,” he rested his head on the crook of her neck, hugging her tighter, “the world falls away,” he whispered.
“And it’s only us.”