Exhaustion.
It absolutely overtakes James’ body as his feet drag beneath him, carrying him toward his flat. It’s been a long day, to say the least. Even saying that is an understatement. He’s been awake since 4 a.m., he had four classes, an exam that he most likely failed, and to make matters worse he forgot to take his medication in the morning, so he had a fucking panic attack.
He didn’t even feel like he could call Regulus to help him.
It’s a lot. Everything. Everything is a lot. Lately, doing anything feels so exhausting. Even waking up in the morning made James panic. It often felt like somebody was sitting on top of his chest.
He’s so overwhelmed.
There’s a weight on his chest and a cloud in his head as he unlocks the door to his flat and drops his bag on the ground as soon as he gets in. He doesn’t even take his shoes off, he just locks the door and albeit collapses to the ground, back against the wall as he takes a shaky breath, shutting his eyes. Regulus’ shoes are by the door, neatly placed in the corner. James assumes he’s already home.
They haven’t been talking much lately, with the exception of arguments and apologies, good mornings and good nights.
(Most nights, James falls asleep on the couch. He often wakes up with Regulus on top of him, a blanket thrown over both of them, and the tv turned off when he knows he left it on. He knows Regulus loves him, things are just hard right now.)
But he wants him, fuck. He wants Regulus so bad right now. He just wants to be held, he just wants to hold him. He just wants to kiss him.
Things are so tough, and fighting with Regulus makes it so much worse.
A choked sob leaves his throat and he curls into himself, his glasses falling off of his face as he brings his face to his knees, trying his best to muffle his sobs.
“James?”
He takes a deep breath, coughing slightly, then clearing his throat. He rubs his eyes on his sleeve, wiping away the tears and he breathes out slowly. “Yes, baby?” he calls back, hoping that his words are even.
“Jamie? What’s wrong?” Regulus asks, and James can hear his footsteps getting closer to the living room. Quickly, he toes his shoes off and places them near the door, scrambling to get off of the floor. He leaves his bag on the ground, though.
“Nothing,” James replies, grinning as Regulus enters the living room. “I’m okay,” he says, clearing his throat again as he tries his hardest to push the lump in his throat away. There’s a burning feeling in his chest and it honestly feels like he’s being ripped to fucking shreds, but he holds his arms out for Regulus as he walks closer.
As his boyfriend takes a step closer, standing toe to toe with him, James smiles down at him and leans down to press a kiss to his forehead. “James, baby,” Regulus says carefully. “What’s wrong? You don’t sound okay, please tell me what’s wrong-“
“Nothing’s wrong,” James reassures him, ignoring the wavering of his voice as tears pool in his eyes again. Not now, not now, he thinks.
“Babe-“
“Regulus,” James says, voice growing a bit ticker. “I’m okay-“
“James.”
“Reg.”
“Come here-“
“No,” James says, holding his breath. “No, I’m-“
“James. Stop that,” Regulus breathes out. His eyes are wide and he looks nervous as his hands reach to touch James. James’ body jerks away on its own accord, a tear falling down his cheek immediately. “Jamie, baby, can I touch you?”
James’ breath hitches. “I- um, yeah,” he croaks out, feeling more tears welling up, spilling down his cheeks silently.
“Darling,” Regulus whispers, grabbing James’ arm and pulling him close. “Come, let’s go sit on the couch-“
“Floor?”
“You want the floor right now?” Regulus asks gently, and James nods, allowing Regulus to take his hand and guide him over to the wall. Regulus settles on the floor, spreading his legs and pulling James until he’s settled between his legs, head against his chest. “James, darling, you need to talk to me-“
“You’re going to get angry with me,” James whimpers, a sob breaking through his body. Pathetic, he thinks to himself as Regulus pulls him so that his head is underneath his chin and James feels a hand in his hair, gently combing through his curls.
“I won’t be angry with you, baby love,” Regulus reassures him.
James inhales shakily, gripping Regulus’ shirt tightly and burying his face deeper into his chest as he coughs, another sob shaking through his ribs. He finds it a bit hard to believe, really, because Regulus gets so snippy and short with him lately that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells. He knows that they’re both just extremely stressed between work and grad school and lack of sleep. But a part of him can’t help but take it personally.
“You get angry with me a lot.”
And oh, hearing the words from his own mouth instead of his brain? That made him feel pathetic.
James gasps, hiccuping out another sob as Regulus holds him closer and presses his lips to his forehead. “James, baby, I’m sorry-“
“It’s not your fault,” James whispers. “I just - I feel like I try to talk to you and I try to be with you and you just - you say you don’t have time or - or you can’t do this - do this right now, and - and then you get angry with me and - and it just,” he gasps again, coughing. “I feel like - like you don’t want me? Lately? And - and I don’t know why but I - I just feel like you don’t want me and - and school is stressing me out a lot and - and I just want you some - sometimes and I feel like I don’t have you.”
“James-“
“And,” he continues, a harsh sob cutting through his throat and making him wheeze. Regulus shushes him, rubbing his back gently and whispering breathe, honey. “And then I just - I feel like you - you hate me and - and that I don’t - don’t do enough for you? And I don’t know what - what I did for you to not want me, but - but I want to fix it-“
“Hey, hey, James, stop that,” Regulus says, hugging him tight. James heard his voice crack and it makes him feel like he’s fucking bleeding out on the ground because fuck, he didn’t mean to hurt Regulus, fuck, fuck, fuck, why did he say that? Why did he do that? Fuck. He inhales sharply, his heart beating fast and he feels dizzy. “James, baby, you didn’t do anything, love. You didn’t do anything wrong, you’ve done nothing. But you need to breathe, honey, okay? Can you do that for me?”
James shakes his head, his hands moving to his hair, tangling between his fingers and he breathes out heavily, and then back in. It’s fast, so fast that he feels like he might pass out as he rests himself closer to Regulus.
“Don’t do that, sweetheart, you’re going to hurt yourself,” Regulus says softly, but James can barely hear him over the sound of his own head. He feels Regulus’ hands on his own, coaxing them away from his hair, and holding them in his as they wrap tightly around James’ body.
And he doesn’t know. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t fucking get it, he doesn’t get anything. He’s so confused, so lost. Everything’s all over the place and he feels like he’s lost everything and it’s all over the floor and he can’t pick it up, he’s so tired.
Because between his classes and work, he feels like he doesn’t have time for anything. But he always makes time for Regulus, even when he’s so stressed out that he feels like he’s going to fall over.
He’s just had so much to do lately. He’s finishing up his masters, and then he has to do his doctorates, and he’s so tired. He just wants Regulus. James wants Regulus so bad, especially right now because he feels like everything’s falling out of his hands and he’s falling as well, deeper, deeper, deeper, and he knows that when he lands, it won’t be good. It’ll just be dark.
“James,” Regulus croaks. “You need to breathe, baby. Can you breathe for me? We can breathe together, but you need to calm your breathing or you’re going to pass out, okay? So can we breathe together for a minute or two?”
James really doesn’t want to breathe right now.
But Regulus asked him to, so he agreed. Maybe if he’s pliant and maybe if he listens, things will be okay? He doesn’t know.
So he follows Regulus’ slow breathing. “In,” Regulus whispers, and James breathes in with him. “Hold it for a moment, honey.”
He does.
“Out.”
James breathes out.
“Can you do it again for me?” Regulus asks softly, kissing the top of his head, thumbs rubbing his hands gently.
He doesn’t know if he can, but he nods. He listens to Regulus’ breathing and he presses his ear against his heart, hoping that the thrum of his life will help calm him.
So he does it again, he takes slow breaths in, holds them, and then lets them out, just how Regulus told him to.
When his breathing steadies a few minutes later, Regulus presses his lips to the top of his head again. James feels like he’s back in his head instead of swimming in his thoughts, and he pushes himself closer to Regulus, whimpering slightly.
“James, why didn’t you talk to me-“
“You get angry with me, Regulus,” James croaks through hiccups. “You get so angry with me, and - and I feel like you don’t even want to see me or talk - talk to me so - so I just say it’s fine because,” he clears his throat. “Because if I’m fine maybe… maybe you’ll want to… see me? I don’t know-“
“Fuck,” Regulus breathes out, cutting him off. James lifts his head to see Regulus with his head against the wall. He feels a pang of guilt in his stomach and his eyes soften a bit. “Fuck, James, I didn’t mean,” he whispers. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way, oh my god. I never, never wanted to hurt you like that, and I understand why you didn’t want to tell me about how you were feeling. I get it, I’m so sorry baby. Fuck,” Regulus says softly, peppering kisses against his hairline. James is still shaking and convulsing from the force of his crying, but he leans into the touch and shuts his eyes, allowing Regulus to hold him.
“It’s not your fault-“
“Don’t say that,” Regulus croaks. “Don’t you dare. It is my fault, and that’s okay. Please don’t try to take the blame for something I did. Okay? God, it is not your fault, okay? None of it. And I’m not angry with you, not at all. Me being upset doesn’t warrant taking it out on you, okay? Please don’t blame yourself baby. I’m sorry that I did that to you, baby, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry-“
“It’s okay,” James whispers. “I’m not upset with you-“
“You have every right to be. It’s okay if you are. What can I do to fix things?” he asks.
James shrugs, swallowing thickly. He doesn’t want to ask Regulus to spend more time with him. He feels like that’ll annoy him. He doesn’t want to be annoying. Doesn’t wanna be too much. Not again, not again.
There are warm lips on his forehead and he sniffles again, holding onto Regulus’ hands and squeezing them.
“Can,” he swallows. “Can we spend more… more time together?” James asks. “You don’t have to, but - but I miss you and - and I just want to talk to you sometimes, and-“
“Yes, baby,” Regulus breathes out softly. “I’ll make more time for you, okay? I will, I promise. I’m sorry that I haven’t made time for you, that’s unfair to you. Extremely unfair. I love you. I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me-“
“But I do-“
“I know you do,” he murmurs against his forehead. James slowly shuts his eyes, the warm kiss on his forehead bringing feeling back into his body. “Wanna take a bath, baby love? I’ll wash your hair for you and then we can have dinner-“
“Not hungry,” James says softly. “My tummy hurts a little.”
“Because you haven’t eaten, James,” Regulus sighs, pulling away a little bit to look at James. James blinks, looking up at his boyfriend with wide eyes and wet eyelashes. Regulus’ face looks hurt and James just wants to kiss the expression off of his face. Regulus brings one hand up to stroke James’ cheek with the back of his index finger, brushing away an eyelash on his cheekbone.
“Kiss?”
Regulus gives James a weak smile, and he leans down and presses a chaste peck against James’ lips.
“Can I make you a toastie after we have a bath, Jamie?”
“I don’t want one-“
“You need to eat something. You’re going to feel more sick if you don’t have something in your stomach,” Regulus says, raising an eyebrow at James as he moves one hand to rub his stomach a little bit. James squirms, scrunching his nose up at the ticklish feeling. Regulus gives him a soft smile, leaning down to kiss his nose.
“You aren’t angry with me?”
“Never, my love.”
“Bath?”
Regulus nods, nudging James with his hand. “Up, love. Let’s go,” he says, and James just goes without saying anything. He pushes himself up off the floor on shaky limbs, wincing at the slight pain in his stomach. “I love you, okay?” Regulus reminds him.
He just nods, not having the energy to say anything back as Regulus walks behind him, hand on his hip to guide him toward the bathroom. They walk slowly, and James’ hands are shaking a little bit. Regulus flicks the light on when they step into the bathroom, and he rubs James’ side softly, leaning in to kiss him on the shoulder before grabbing the hem of his shirt.
“Arms up, take this off,” Regulus instructs, and James nods, lifting his arms over his head. Regulus walks until he’s in front of James, and he pulls the shirt over his head, knocking his glasses off of his face in the process. James lets out a soft giggle, and Regulus smiles at him once the shirt comes off, leaning in to kiss him on the mouth chastely.
Regulus takes the glasses and places them on the sink counter, giving him a gentle smile. “Trousers next,” he says, and James nods, unbuttoning his trousers and sliding them down his legs, then he slips off his pants and his socks, shivering a little bit as he stands bare in the bathroom.
“I’m gonna get undressed and run the bath for us, okay?” he says, and James nods, watching Regulus lift his shirt over his head to begin undressing himself.
When the tub fills with warm water, Regulus takes James by the elbow and leads him to the tub. James steps into the tub, one foot at a time and slowly sinks down, the warm water making the hairs on his arms stand up. He tucks his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs as Regulus strips off the last of his clothing and climbs in behind him, knees bracketing James’ body as he pulls him back against his chest.
“I love you more than anything, okay?” Regulus whispers softly, and James feels like he’s going to fucking cry again. “And I’m going to fix this. Things will be okay, yeah? I love you so much. I don’t want you to forget that, please don’t forget that. You’re everything to me, okay?”
James doesn’t respond, he just squeezes Regulus’ arm and leans back against his chest and snuggles closer to him, allowing Regulus to pepper kisses onto his jaw and shoulder.
“I promise,” Regulus whispers against his skin, hand rubbing against his stomach gently, circles being drawn onto the soft skin while he presses his lips into James’ shoulder, nosing at it.
And for the first time in a while, maybe two months, James believes him. He believes it’ll be okay.
They always will be.