The inevitables

I was headed to the owlery to get Sirius’s birthday present: a moving portrait of all of us at my house for winter holiday last year. This was of course before his mother came to our house and silenced him then took him home and shaved his head. This may not bring the best past memories, but in the moment everything was perfect! I hope he sees it that way. 

“Yes. I didn’t get the same words as everyone else.” A small voice came from around the corridor. I knew that voice, it was sharp and sounded just a little bit like it was over everything. 

“Hmm?” Another voice, also familiar. It was rough but still sounded like a kid. I needed to get closer, but if I got too close, they would stop talking. I wanted to know what they were talking about, call me a gossip but knowing things about people is so pleasing.  

“Every time I try to say my house’s name, it comes out…” The boy heaved out a heavy sigh, I took a few steps closer, “Go Gryffindor Go!”

The other boy began to laugh so intensely and fully, I knew exactly who it was: Remus. Remus was talking to Regulus? That didn’t sound right. Sirius forbade any of us from speaking to any of his family, I was not great at following this rule, but Remus? He hated most people. Why would he talk to people he didn’t have to? 

“Sorry,” Remus said, now I was even more confused with this conversation, “It’s… well it is quite funny.”

“Of course you think it’s funny.” Regulus sniffed in his ‘i hate you’ way, “You… your kind can’t possibly understand what my brother is putting at stake. I’ve done my best to hide the worst of it from our parents, but he has to keep pushing it…” Regulus may think he’s a saint by hiding the information from his parents, but all that meant was that he wasn’t telling his parents. He was so desperate to look like a good person.

“So is that why he’s not invited to your stupid Nancy tea party?” Only Remus would use the word ‘nancy’ which is basically what northerners call posh, but with more aggression. All of our accents are from the south of Britain, but Remus, Lily, and Marlene are more northern tang. Marlene is in the middlelands. 

“Narcissa didn’t think it was worth it, this year. And this latest joke of his has just proved it. He’s never going to… to come back.” His voice was almost shaking, maybe he could love things. The corridor went quiet, all that I could hear were footsteps getting closer and closer to me, I backed up. 

“Reg, wait!” Remus called him Reg? I was confused. I also needed to go, that was a lot of eavesdropping. “Look, We’re having a party for Sirius in the common room tonight, you can come if you—”

“Don’t.” Regulus almost yelled, I walked backwards as quietly as possible. I didn’t think about the fact I was backing into the dungeon corridor.  “Don’t invite me, ok? Just… leave it. Tell him happy birthday for me.” His steps were loud and fast, I was halfway down the corridor. There was no time to hide. 

Regulus didn’t look at me until he walked right into me. He first looked at me all mad, then something shifted in his eyes and he just started walking again. I turned around. 

“What? No gumdrop?” Gumdrop was the name Sirius chose for blood traitor. Why? I’m not sure, his whole family confused me. 

“Excuse me?” He turned to me, genuinely confused. I furrowed my brow. 

“You know, gumdrop. That's the word for blood traitor is it not?” I asked, I thought I knew the list, but if he didn’t know it then maybe I was just saying the sweet. 

“I haven’t used those types of words in a while.” He told me, he seemed to be proud of himself. 

 “Oh.” 

“Oh?”

“Yes, oh.” I shrugged. 

“That’s it?!” He seemed to be getting angry. 

“What's wrong with oh?” 

“You’re the one who asked me to change! You’re the one who said I needed to be better and now what? You don’t care?!” 

“You don't get a reward for not being a big bully! Being a good person is expected! It’s not something you get friends out of, it’s something you should always do!” I remembered what he was talking about. During our last interaction I told him to be better, not be such a bully then maybe people would stop comparing him to his tortuous mother. But even if he has been a better person, why does my opinion about it matter? I see him once a month, if that. 

“If you don’t care then why did you tell me to do this!?” 

“Why does it matter what I think?” 

“Because you’re forbidden!” He said with such distinction some spit came out of his mouth. He was breathing heavily, he looked like Sirius did when he came back after christmas last year. He looked to be at his breaking point. 

“What?” The word forbidden rang through my head. What does that even mean? 

“You, your brother, your whole bloody family is forbidden! Our parents sat us down before Sirius started school talking about you! You are part of the oldest family in all wizard history, you go back to when magic freaking started! You should be on their side but you’re not which makes you dangerous! You shouldn’t love outbreeding or muggles based off of your family, and yet you have always been the only purebloods to fully be against muggleborn hatred. You’re all dangerous to that side of wizards. Didn’t you ever wonder why Sirius was so keen with you lot once he heard your brother's name!? Why he so desperately yearns to go to your house!? You are forbidden by all of us! Sirius just wants a chance at some sort of freedom or another way to piss off our parents! He doesn’t like you or your family, none of us do! Not even your muggle born friends, you’re not like them and everyone knows it. Pretend all you want, but the minute this war goes into fighting, you are the only one saved. You will never belong to my parents side nor the other, which is why you will always be forbidden and used!” He shouted at me, getting faster with each word, getting more angry. I knew he was only barely talking about Sirius, he didn’t want to admit that he wanted to be friends with us, that he was jealous of his brother's life. I know Sirius doesn’t use us now, but my mind couldn’t stop thinking about the start of our relationship. James and Sirius were best mates from the moment they met on the train, James told me so. Was it always real?

“Hey! Shut up Black!” Remus stood behind me, I didn’t turn around. Regulus was spooked away, Remus walked up to me. Was Regulus right? My friends weren’t like me, I could never relate to them. Did that matter to them? What if I couldn't fit in? What if the only reason we were friends was because we had to share a room for seven years and after that… then I’ll go back to having no friends.

“Hazel?” Remus asked. I said nothing, I was too in my head, too stunned, too… confused. Was every relationship fake? Was I forbidden? “Hazel?” He asked again, I wanted to cry or puke or go question everyone. I wanted to get away. 

“I have to get Sirius’s gift.” I said and walked away. 

*****

James threw great parties, he learned that from our mother. I’d never thrown one, I have no idea how good I was. Mary wore a very nice outfit which highlighted all the curves I didn’t have. She pretty much glued herself to Sirius which was a way to get the boy to date her. Not a way I would use, but it was a way. Marlene talked with James although I don’t think she actually fancied him, I think she just wanted to compete with Mary. Lily and I sat on the window, listening to the music. 

“I think I like the radio better.” I said, “there are more songs, more ones that I like. Sirius’s taste in music is fine, but we don’t like all the same songs.” 

“Most muggles use radios now, very few own record players for that very reason.” Lily explained, we didn’t learn any of this in muggle studies. 

“Oh.” 

“Are you ok?” 

“No, something Regulus said got to me, something about all of my friends being fake and that we’d never understand each other because I was forbidden.” I stared straight ahead as the words left my mouth. I told myself I didn't want to bring it up, I didn’t want to ruin the party. What can I say? I like gossip. 

Lily looked at me almost horrified. I didn’t want to look at her, if I did I think I would’ve started sobbing and officially ruin the party. Without warning she just hugged me, a full on bear hug just like my mother gives. I kept looking away in order not to cry but I squeezed her back so she wouldn’t let go. 

I saw Remus from across the room, he looked at me and tried to smile. “You’re not forbidden.” he mouthed, I nodded back a thank you.

Sirius loved my gift by the way, he said it was his favorite family portrait that has ever been done. After that, nothing else mattered. They were all my family, Regulus wasn't.