“I won’t tell her.”
Sirius shook his head. “No... tell her anything you want. I don’t care. I’m gone.”
“What?”
He ignored him, going to the corner of his room and packing a bag.
“Sirius?”
He didn’t have all that much stuff at home anyway. Most of it was at Hogwarts. Just a little bit of clothes, a couple of pictures.
“Sirius?”
He looked to his brother, who was looking at him alarmed.
Regulus. “Umm...” he had almost forgotten about Regulus.
He chose his side.
Not really.
“I’m going. I’m going to go.”
“Go?” Regulus was looking at him with a look he had never seen before. Some sort of restrained horror and denial. “Go where?”
“To... away.”
“For how long?” Regulus’ voice was a little less steady now but somehow still held together. Sirius swore this was the longest they’ve held eye contact in years.
“Forever.” He didn’t really have to think about the answer. He wasn’t sure why it was so hard to say.
“For-?” Regulus broke eye contact finally, looking to the ground and shaking his head. “No.”
“I’m going.” He nodded.
“No.”
“Yes.” Sirius stared back at him as hard as he could, willing him to look back. “I’m leaving. Now.”
What really unnerved Sirius is that Regulus didn’t even look alarmed anymore. He shook his head again. “No. You’ll come back. I know you will. You think this is going to prove something. You think something stupid like that.”
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Was his brother being serious? “What?”
“You’re just being stubborn like you always are. You’ll do anything to rebel. To make a point.” He was nodding now as if trying to convince himself of his own words.
He laughed bitterly. “That’s what you think I’m doing? Trying to prove a point? Is that what this is to you?” And now he had the annoying feeling like he was about to cry. He pushed it down. “I guess it’s just another one of my antics then, huh?”
Regulus didn’t answer, looking down, chest rising up and down maybe a little faster than usual. He didn’t care. He didn’t care at all.
He didn’t.
“Ok.”
He turned back to his suitcase.
“Sirius?”
“Stop doing that!” He snapped. “If you want to say something, say it!” His chest was heaving now, and he gripped his suitcase harder to stop his hands from shaking.
He needed to keep yelling. He wanted to stay angry, to keep seeing Regulus as just another Slytherin bound to end up a death eater. He didn’t want to think about every time Regulus tried to cheer him up after their parents had been cruel.
He didn’t want to think of how Regulus looked like that now. His brother, his younger brother that he loved, that he needed to protect, not just some Slytherin.
“Reg,” I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to “you could- you could come with me, okay?” Please say yes, just say yes, say yes, and it will be okay, say yes, and I’ll protect you-
“No.” No. He didn’t even hesitate.
He didn’t even fucking hesitate.
He couldn’t. He wasn’t going to. “Please, Reg. It will be okay! If you come, it will all be okay! I swear, I swear we’ll be brothers again!” He was so ridiculous. This was all so stupid.
Regulus stared at him, and he couldn’t read him. When had he lost the ability to read him? “No.” He was shaking his head again. “It’s not even a question. It’s not even a question, Sirius.”
“Please!” He wasn't going to. He doesn’t care. “Please, it’ll be okay. Just say yes!” It’s over. It’s over.
“No, Sirius! It doesn’t fucking work like that!” Sirius almost flinched. His brother had never sounded like that before. “We could be brothers if you stayed here! You’re choosing to leave me! This is your fault!”
No, it’s not. “No, it’s not!” It couldn’t be. “It’s their fault, and you’re choosing them over me.” He wanted to be angry again, but he just felt guilty now. It wasn’t his fault. He knew that. He did.
“I’m not the one who abandoned you! You’ve been choosing Potter and them over me since you got sorted into bloody Gryffindor!”
“No! I- I tried! I swear I did, but I just couldn’t handle it!” He put his head in his hands and clenched his teeth together harshly. “I couldn’t handle you hating me. I couldn’t handle everyone hating me. I couldn’t and then you did.” He was trying so hard to stay in the right. To not feel like he was completely insane.
“I never...” but he doesn’t finish the sentence, and while Sirius would like to believe it’s just because he’s embarrassed or hurt or shocked, he’s not sure that’s true. Because even though he knows Regulus must care about him at least a little, he’s not sure he doesn’t hate him.
Sirius wasn’t sure he didn’t hate Regulus either.
But he knew he loved him.
He wanted to say so much more. He wanted to say that he was sorry for anything and everything. He wanted to say that he really, really hoped Regulus didn’t hate him because he loved him. He loved him so much, and he wanted to stay with him.
But he couldn’t.
And he hated himself so much for that.
He needed to go before his parents got back. But then again, maybe they’d let him go. They didn’t fucking need him anymore.
“I...” he grabbed the bag he brought, which only contained some clothes and papers. Most of his stuff was at Hogwarts anyway. “I gotta go.”
Regulus stared at him, and Sirius couldn’t see him as anything but his baby brother. Someone he had promised himself when he was just a kid that he would take care of. Always, no matter what.
Now he was leaving him to their parents.
He was pretty sure his eight-year-old self would’ve hated him right now.
“Reg, I-” I love you, I’ll miss you, I’m begging you to come with me, just come with me.
“Bye.”
When he stumbled into James’ house in the early hours of the morning, he barely questioned it as he let him inside.
“Sirius, mate- you’re all wet.”
Evidently, it had started raining, and he walked a while before remembering to signal the Knight Bus. Sirius’ teeth chattered as he ran his hands up his soaking arms, still only wearing a t-shirt. He couldn’t help feeling guilty as he was dripping over the floor.
“What happened?” James asked, looking so genuinely concerned that Sirius had to bite his lip to keep from whining.
He couldn’t speak as the lump in his throat became more and more. If he opened his mouth, he was sure he would burst into tears. But he didn’t have to speak before James hugged him, bringing him into his chest and holding him tightly. Holding him even though he woke him up in the middle of the night, even though he was dripping wet and shaking and a mess.
He sobbed.
As hard as he tried to keep quiet and regain composure, biting his lip so hard he drew blood, he kept crying into his best friend’s t-shirt. James clung back as Sirius clutched at his shirt and was as vulnerable as he had ever been in years. Vulnerable in a way he could never have imagined possible.
After what felt like hours but what must have only been 15 minutes, he broke the hug, rubbing at his face. He felt far too embarrassed and exposed to think about anything else but the moment. He didn’t even feel the bruises on his body anymore.
Eventually, James spoke again. “Pads, I’m going to go wake my parents, okay?” James spoke in the softest tone Sirius had ever heard from him as if he was treading on the thinnest of ice.
He wanted to protest, to tell James’ to not bother his parents and that he would just go and find somewhere else to stay, maybe sleep on a bench. But he was selfish.
He nodded, still wiping at his face with shaking hands.
When the Potters got downstairs and saw him, they immediately sat him down at the kitchen table, making him tea instead of pondering him with questions or throwing him out the door. The kindness was almost overwhelming.
“I just couldn’t stay home... so I left,” was all he said for an explanation. Not really much of an explanation at all, but they didn’t pester him.
He took sips from his mug with chattering teeth, though he wasn’t cold anymore.
“You’re welcome to stay as long as you need.” Mr. Potter said immediately, trying to make eye contact with him, though Sirius couldn’t hold it.
“What he means is please stay with us. I don’t want you going back to that house.” Mrs. Potter said seriously, tapping her fingers on the table in the way she always did. The familiarity soothed him slightly.
His heart was still beating so hard he could feel it in his head, and his body was still bruised and burnt out, but he was warm, and he was cared for, and he wasn’t going back.
When he woke up the next morning in James' bed, it was a completely different universe.
The Potters brought his breakfast upstairs to him and didn’t get upset with him for still being in his nightclothes. James’ talked and talked as they ate together on the floor about mindless things. Quidditch, how Remus and Peter were doing, what ridiculous thing Witch Weekly was on about now.
He took it all in with quiet awe. James’ didn’t seem to mind his silence as he filled the room enough for the both of them. Sirius was reminded of the day they meant on the Hogwarts Express. Sirius had been wonderstruck by James then too.
He wrote to a couple of people. Short letters about his recent development, telling them where he was staying, and not to worry, and that he’d explain at school.
He thought for a while before writing one last letter, one he wasn’t even sure if he was going to send.
Regulus,
I know you’re probably pissed at me at the moment. I suppose I can’t exactly blame you either.
You have to know that I’m truly sorry, but I couldn’t stay there any longer, and you knew it. Needing to leave wasn’t selfish of me, it was something that I’ve wanted to do for years. I wish you would have come with me, but I know you aren’t stupid, so you probably have a plan.
I’ll always care about you even when I don’t want to. It sucks sometimes, actually, but I would never change being your brother if I had the choice. I think I do love you. A lot.
I’m also a bit pissed at you, but you’re stubborn, so I’m guessing you’re not going to apologize any time soon. I forgive you anyway. I’ll forgive you whenever you’re ready to be sorry.
You can still come to James anytime. I’ve signed this with the address.
Yours,
Sirius