Chapter 6
“Have you been watching me sleep?” Sirius asked him, opening his eye to see the other boy staring at him from the foot of his bed.
“Only for a few seconds,” James said quietly. He still looked as sick and clammy as he had the morning before, but his brows were furrowed in thought.
“What are you doing here? It’s late,” he remarked, slowly sitting up.
“It’s only seven o’clock.”
“Oh.”
“You need to tell him, Sirius.”
The other boy shushed him and cast a Silencing spell on their room.
“If you keep talking so loudly, I won’t have to,” Sirius hissed.
“You’re withholding the truth from him,” James said. “He deserves to know. We should have told him in the first place, like I said!”
“I will! Just… not yet, everything is so fresh, he has enough—“
“Enough on his mind? Yeah, that sounds familiar. You can’t protect him from this,” James warned. “He will find out, sooner or later.”
“Then let it be later.”
“Fine, but the longer it goes the worse it gets. It’ll come out in court anyway—“
“I said I will tell him!” Sirius snapped at him.
He knew that James was holding back, biting his tongue, choosing not to say what he really wanted for his own sake. It was a patience that Sirius lacked.
“Go on,” he told James, “tell me what you really think. Do you want me to say you were right? Tell me, I told you so!”
“Well, I wasn’t wrong!” the other nearly yelled. “This wouldn’t have happened if you had listened to me, if you hadn’t been such a selfish child—“
“If, if, if, if,” he mocked. “Here’s a few more; if you had told Remus anyways, if you hadn’t wanked so long in the shower, if Snape wasn’t a greasy and nosey bastard. I can keep going, all of these things that didn’t happen. What the fuck does it matter anymore? You think I don’t know what I did? But you, what did you do actually?”
“Fuck you,” James swore. He stood quickly and grabbed his coat. “I saved you, that’s what I did. I dealt with the consequences of your actions.”
“Gee, thanks,” Sirius told him sarcastically. “Look at me, all safe now. If you really wanted to help, you should have left me there and saved everyone time and trouble. I wish you had let me die.”
James’ jaw clenched, but he said nothing and left the tent.
———
A mediwitch woke Sirius gently from his nap, but it couldn’t possibly be time for dinner already, he thought to himself. His confusion must have shown on his face.
“You have a visitor. Should I let him in?”
He sat up slowly, trying not to hurt himself further. “Who is it?”
“He says he’s your brother.”
Sirius sat up straighter, though his side ached. “Let him in,” he told her.
She left through the front curtain. Even with his sole unbandaged ear he could hear her clearly. She was cautioning his brother about his appearance; something that had been happening more now. A moment later the curtain opened, and in stepped Regulus. Though the brothers saw each other nearly every day at Hogwarts, it had been several months since they had spoken, the last time being when he escaped. In Sirius’ opinion, the biggest tragedy to come from his opposition to their parents was how it affected his relationship with Regulus. The further away that Sirius had pulled, the more that Orion and Walburga sunk their hooks into his little brother. He refused to believe all hope was lost for him though, he was only fifteen after all.
“From the way that she described you, I thought it would be much worse,” Regulus said, gesturing to the side of his own face. “You’ve definitely looked better, though.”
Sirius was trying to read his brother’s stoic façade, but the pair had promised to never use Legilimency on each other—a promise he would keep regardless of any hostility they might share. “Do you reckon that great-aunt Cassie would finally be able to tell us apart now?”
Regulus smiled; Sirius must have passed whatever test he had had for him. That was a relief. The younger boy pulled a chair up to sit beside the foot of his bed. “Can I talk to you for a bit?”
“Might as well,” he relented. “I’ve got jack shit to do. Does Wally know that you’re here?”
“No, and she never will; Slughorn loves me,” the younger boy said with confidence. “But she’s why I’m here.”
“Ah, I’m sure Mother and Father are disappointed to learn that their eldest son survived, but please give them my regards,” Sirius scoffed.
“On the contrary, they seem to hold your heroics in high esteem,” Regulus contradicted him. “They think it a point of pride for the noble and most ancient house of Black nonetheless. They want you to recover at home, and return to Hogwarts after the holidays. You should expect a letter from them soon.”
It was enough to boil his blood, Sirius thought, or cry with frustration. No matter how much distance he tried to put between himself and his freak-show family or how much he wished they would denounce him and be done with him, he would never escape from their grip.
He let his head fall back against the pillows that propped him up and tried to control his breathing. He wished Regulus hadn’t visited. Don’t kill the messenger, a more reasonable voice in his head reminded him. He waited a few moments to gather himself and looked back up.
“Must I convey to you the many sensitive places I think they should shove their point of pride? I a Regulus shifted his chair slightly forward so that he might speak more quietly. “I would take it from you if I could, the heirship. I am able to play the part that you cannot, and I’ve told them as such, but they are adamant about bringing you back into the fold.”
“And what if I refuse to be folded?”
“Then they will make an example out of you.”
Sirius laughed, but both he and Regulus knew it was fake. There was no telling what their parents would do to achieve their goals.
Regulus spoke again, when his brother had stayed silent. “They don’t know the truth yet. No one does—about what actually happened that night. Only Dumbledore’s version with vague details.”
“Oh, and you think you do?”
“I know enough,” Regulus said vaguely. “I know that you were no stranger to that werewolf.”
“Don’t,” Sirius cut him off. He was hyperaware that Remus was just a curtain away from the boys, most likely hearing every word; he had already heard too much. Sirius leaned over to grab his wand from the bedside table. “Silencio.”
“How long have you known?” he asked, turning back towards his younger brother.
“Well, I wasn’t certain until just a moment ago,” Regulus grinned, “but it’s sort of obvious, if you know what you’re looking for.”
“Fuck you, we agreed to no Legilimens.”
The boy rolled his eyes. “And I’ve kept that promise. Might I remind you that we grew up together? I can understand your body language, your expressions, better than anyone,” he chided, and then under his breath, “dumbass.”
It was Sirius’ turn to roll his eyes in annoyance. “Get to your point. I am well aware that the trial and resulting publicity will be a nightmare, thank you. The Ministry can’t legally release his name and specific details until the trial begins, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it got out before then. This is to say nothing of the legal consequences we will undoubtedly bear.”
Regulus sat back against his chair, crossing his arms against his chest. “First of all,” he began, “never do that eye roll motion or whatever it was ever again—fucking creepy with your… your milky eye.”
“Fuck your ‘first of all,’ and don’t tell me what to do,” Sirius interrupted, “and it’s my ghost eye, it’s not milky.”
The younger boy looked confused and stared at him for a moment. But he shook his head and continued as if his brother hadn’t stopped him. “Second of all, my point is this: when your true involvement with both Lupin and the death of Severus comes to light, I don’t think our parents will be as proud and benign as they are now.”
Sirius silently processed what he had been told. Would that too be just another thing for them to beat out of him in their pursuit of a perfect heir? Or maybe it would finally be enough.
“Looks like my mess will tarnish their reputation after all,” he replied.
Regulus didn’t speak, so his brother cleared his throat. “How were things after I left? Has Cygnus hurt you? Because if he has, I swear to—“
He shook his head. “No, I’m okay, they haven’t changed their treatment of me. But until now it’s like you never existed to them. Well, to our parents at least. Cygnus moped around the house for maybe a week after you left and complained about his wound at every opportunity.”
“Good,” Sirius sighed with relief.
“They’ve destroyed your Muggle music maker, the letters from Lupin, and some other things they found in your room.”
“I don’t care,” he lied. He should have tried to take more stuff with him, but at the time he thought only of the essentials. His skin crawled when he imagined Kreacher going through his things, leaving grimy little fingerprints on it all.
He rearranged his pillows so that he might lie back. He stared at the ceiling, knowing that he was being scrutinized. In truth, his parents’ reaction had seemed the least of his worries in comparison to what had happened, but he should know by now that he always had cause to fear his family. He would never be free from the shadow they cast, however estranged they may be.
“Sirius…” his brother said, hesitantly breaking the silence.
“What, Reggie?”
“You could have died,” he murmured.
Sirius turned his head to look at him directly. He was hunched over his hands, probably pulling at his nails (a bad habit they had both developed as kids). The older brother had intended to make some witty quip and laugh it off, but the joke died on his tongue.
“I didn’t though, it’s alright,” he tried to comfort. What is a person supposed to say to a thing like that? I’m sorry. I thought I was going to. I wish I had.
“You nearly did, just like Severus. How could you be so reckless?”
“It wasn’t supposed to happen, every full moon before has been fine,” Sirius argued.
“I know how much Lupin means to you, but every full moon you risk your life with that werewolf,” Regulus said angrily, looking up from his lap. “Do you understand?”
Sirius wrinkled his nose; his brother spoke to him like he was a child. “What’s the big deal? Even if I had died, which I didn’t, you would get your wish—to be the heir.”
“The ancestral seat is not worth your life, otherwise I would have killed you for it already,” Regulus said, but it was unclear if he was serious or not. “If you had died, I would be left all alone with our parents and the family. All because of your stupid decisions.”
In that moment, Sirius made a silent promise to his brother that he would do everything in his power to keep that from happening. However despicable their family was, he could never abandon Regulus. No more of this “live fast, die young” mindset, he decided.
“You’re right,” he told him. Regulus furrowed his brow, obviously expecting more pushback from him. “I won’t do that, I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful.”
“Good. I’ll hold you to that,” the younger brother warned, then stood from his chair. “I should be going.”
“Wait,” Sirius interrupted, “I want to ask something of you before you go. I have plans to rent a little place not far from the Potters, starting this next summer since I’ll be of age. I want you to live there with me, or at least consider it. We could both be free.”
Regulus smiled wistfully but shifted uncomfortably. “Don’t get your hopes up, but I’ll think about it,” he conceded. “That reminds me, I have something for your birthday.”
He patted his robes, feeling around for whatever it was. After a second he pulled a small drawstring bag from his pocket and tossed it into his brother’s lap. Sirius pulled it open and into his palm fell a gold pocket watch on a chain. There was a swirling celestial design on it and when he pressed the top both the front and back panels popped open. The face was dark blue stone with small Roman numerals around the edge. The back was glass, revealing the miniature gears working within it. Inscribed on the inside of the front were the words:
Al—
Per aspera ad astra.
—John
“I dunno who John was, but the watch was Uncle Alphard’s,” Regulus explained. “They were boxing up his things, I figured you might want to have something of his. Besides his inheritance, I mean.”
“‘Through hardships to the stars,’” Sirius translated quietly, running his fingers over the raised designs. “Thank you, Reg, it’s beautiful.”
“Happy birthday, I’ll give Wally and Orion your best.”