Elphaba knows herself too much to pretend she isn't hopeful—that she hasn't been hopeful since the knowledge of soulmates existing turned into the thought of the possibility of her having one.
She read the books, she watched the shows, she heard the songs and the stories and her mind, perhaps in some futile or desperate attempt to protect her, decided that she was going to be one of the few priviliged people to have a soulmate.
For someone like Elphaba, a woman with a peculiar skin colour and an even peculiar mind, a soulmate meant a solace, a steady place to land, an assured thing amongst a life of uncertainty. For someone like Elphaba, having a soulmate meant that whatever she had to go through would be worth it because, eventually, she would have that special someone to share her past, present and future with.
Well. As much as Elphaba thinks the sedimentation of that thought was how she ended up surviving until the age of 21 years old, Elphaba despises it.
She spent too many years looking for something in other people, meticulously analysing every little thing that could connect her soul to another, only for her heart to shatter every single time it went nowhere.
She hates the hope that is lodged too deep within her being, too entangled in every breath she takes, in every thought she has, in every interaction she's a part of. She loathes it. She wishes she could turn back time so she can spare herself of having to live with this thing that has long ago shifted from hope into something that's dangerously close to a spiked chain tightly nestled around her heart.
The worst thing of all is that she's conscious of it; she's aware it got to a point she doesn't let anyone in because they don't have her soulmate mark—whatever said mark was.
Elphaba's lonely. She's so, so terribly lonely.
It's a wonder, a testament to her bad luck that her roommate seems to be the opposite of it, of her, but at the same time, not.
"Galinda, could you please keep it down over there I am trying to concentrate! If I get this intonation wrong, I could very well break something of yours. You wouldn't want that, would you?"
Galinda huffs from the other side of the room, a little petulantly, but she does turn the volume down.
"What is this spell, anyway? Did Morrible really let you practice something that could harm someone outside of her sorcery class?" When Elphaba doesn't respond, Galinda gasps and turns around, "Elphaba Thropp, are you breaking the rules?"
Elphaba sighs, deeply, infuriated, and closes the opened notebook, that is scribbled from front page to last in spells, laid in front of her in her mattress, and places it down on her makeshift bedside table. It'd be more distressing to try and practice anything while Galinda is awake and in one of her odd moods than showing up to Sorcery tomorrow without mastering the spell. Morrible's disappointment would take a lesser, even if still a great one, emotional toll on Elphaba.
"Good night, Galinda." She bids her farewell for the night, leaving no room for other attempts at conversation, and tucks herself inside her covers, hands resting over her chest. There's an insistent and unrelenting silence, though, one that never follows whenever one of them tires of their bickering. She opens her eyes and looks over to where Galinda is.
It's strange. Elphaba's feelings towards her roommate is like a match of tennis; a minute on one extremity, the next on the other. Seconds ago, Elphaba was angry at her selfshiness and now...
Now, as she looks at Galinda's frame hunched over herself, hugging her knees and running a hand up and down the side of her knee while she stares at her pink sheets, Elphaba felt a twinge of pity for her.
"It's a levitation spell," The words are out of her mind before they even finish forming inside her brain.
Galinda turns her head towars her. From the gentle pink light emanating from Galinda's bedside lamp, Elphaba can see her eyebrows are pulled together, "What?"
Elphaba answers in a whisper, not wanting to startle the sudden peace of the dorm, "The spell I was working on, it's a levitation spell,"
"Oh,"
"One of the requirements for succeeding is having a clear mind,"
"Oh," She drags the word as understanding sinks in.
Elphaba smirks, "Do you say anything other than that?"
There's a tiny rise of Galinda's lips but it's gone as soon as it started.
"Requirements... You make it sound like it knows you're not clear-headed."
Elphaba takes that in. Perhaps she's overthinking even that simple instruction; perhaps she's trying to make the spell a person that has needs for whatever reason.
"I just meant Morrible said it requires a certain concentration."
"...Oh," Galinda murmurs, teasingly and then chuckles lowly. She settles herself down on the bed, Elphaba turns to do the same. After a few quiet moments, Galinda's voice interrupts her falling asleep, "Good night,"
Something inside Elphaba's chest make her sigh in relief at the words.
Peculiar.
"Elphaba!"
It's instinct to roll her eyes at the sound of Galinda's high-pitched voice but she does stop and turn around, catching Galinda Upland skidding in her heels to catch up to her.
"What?"
"Could I have the room for a few hours after classes today?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yes...?"
Elphaba starts walking again, shaking her head in exasperation. "Do you honestly think it's fair to ask me for that?"
Galinda tilts her head, "Why would it not be? I'd give you a few hours alone, if you asked,"
Elphaba raises her eyebrows hard at that. A smirk beginning to form as she watches Galinda's eyebrow do the same, "You would?"
"Well, I—"
"I will give you today if you give me tomorrow."
"But—"
"And if I give you 2 hours, you will give me the same, yes?"
"Two hours?" Galinda sort of blanches and whines. "That's a bit excessive, isn't it?"
Elphaba frowns, "Depends. What are you going to do, anyway?"
And as if summoned, Elphaba's eyes find Fiyero walking out of the library ahead of them. Her mirth evaporates as soon as she connects the dots.
"You know what, don't tell me." She turns around and Galinda collides with her but Elphaba remains unmoving as Galinda takes a step back, "Do we have a deal, Miss Upland?"
"Ugh, fine."
Elphaba narrows her eyes, "Please refrain yourselves from even glancing at my side of the room. I don't want to be paranoid about what you touched or stain—"
"Miss Thropp! What an outrageous thing to say, and to a lady like myself—"
Elphaba rolls her eyes, "Alright. Goodbye."
Galinda is nothing if not thorough.
She will leave this room with an answer even if said answer will scare her to almost death.
She stares at the door, thoughts pouding away, forming a headache behind her eyelids. A frenzy. Just like her emotions.
Even if she has an inkling of the answer, Galinda can't help but feel extremely nervous at the situation she's created for herself.
When Fiyero knocks, Galinda bolts upright and quickly strides to the door.
She smiles at him. "Hi,"
He looks at her through his eyelashes, his shoulder leaning on the doorframe.
"Hello, gorgeous," He smirks at her.
Nothing.
Galinda steps aside and lets him inside the room. She feels sick.
"Are you alright, Galinda?"
It startles her into acting.
"Yes, of course, now that you're here," She steps closer to him, her hands landing on his lapel.
He looks down at her with amusement, laying his hands over hers.
"It's only— Well," His fingers run over hers, Galinda notices the absence of her feelings the way she knows she should notice the presence of something else at the sensation. Fiyero whispers what sounds like, "How should I put this?" And then he walks forward, making Galinda walk backwards until she all but plops down on her bed, "You look like you're going to be sick."
Fiyero removes his hands from hers—something Galinda is very thankful for because she was starting to get uncomfortably clammy there and it started adding to the rise of her bile—and she lets her hands fall to her thighs.
Galinda sighs. Alright. Alright. She had her answer even if— thankfully or not, she doesn't know yet— it didn't come explicitly as she had planned it to be.
"Fiyero..." How should she approach this. "I don't think i feel for you what you feel for me."
Fiyero's eyebrow rises, "What I feel for you?"
"Well, I asked you to come here, I made it obvious it was for sex and you came." Galinda flushes, "Here you are, that is. So that means you feel something for me,"
Fiyero purses his lip, "Do I?" He smirks, "Are Shiz students not familiar with the concept of sexual attraction?"
"Is that not feeling something?"
Fiyero hums, "I guess. I just thought you meant something more—"
"Point is, I feel neither. For you."
Fiyero pouts, cluchtes his heart dramatically with a hand, "Ouch." Then be smiles, easy, like Galinda's world isn't falling apart and being put back together forcibly by herself since this doubt, this question has crept up on her, "Why are you telling me this, princess?"
"You like men, right?" This phrase is easier. Pfannee also likes men—That's easy. She watches Fiyero's confused expression, "Right?"
He looks down at her lap and Galinda realises she's started bouncing a leg up and down. When he looks up, something smoothes his face.
"Oh, this is unexpected." His eyes wide.
They don't say anything for what Galinda feels are like hours.
She finally pleads, You cannot tell anyone,"
"I am simply trying to understand why you came to me for this? We barely know each other."
Yes.
The other dreadful truth.
The other side of the coin in all of her suffering.
"I don't have friends," Galinda murmurs.
It's the first time she says this, out loud, to someone else. Her heart squeezes uncomfortably at the uncomofrtable truth.
Fiyero scoffs, "Galinda—"
"Do you have a best friend, Fiyero?"
He huffs at the interruption, crosses his arms. "Yes,"
"Alright. When you think about telling your best friend you like boys and that you have a crush on one, what is their reaction?"
"I don't have to imagine. Just last week I told him about B— Where are you going with this?"
"Do you want to know how I know Pfannee and Shenshen are going to react? Because it's not nice. Would you like to know how I've heard countless vile words disguised as harmless gossip around Shiz about a woman who got caught kissing another one? Or how my parents have exiled family friends and some members because of it?"
Pity. Fiyero is pitying her right now.
"Galinda—"
"Can I trust you, Fiyero Tigelaar? Will you be my friend? My confidant? Can we rely on each other, can we try doing that?" She leans into the desperation. He's already pitying her, what's she got to lose? She's already laying her heart out in front of him, as well.
"Sweetie," He sits down next to her and tugs her to his side, arm lacing behind her back. Now that she knows, now that he knows, it's a bit easier to let herself feel what she feels. His touch, when it's not perceived by her as romantic, feels comforting. His touch, when she doesn't have to welcome it as his possible girlfriend-to-be, feels safe.
"It's alright," He murmurs.
Galinda, for the first time ever, lets herself feel anything about this.
Hours later, they've settled themselves on Galinda's headboard. Galinda tells him about her loneliness—both with her lesbianim and her friendless existence—and she hears about his, concerning his depression. Fiyero tells her about his first times—first boy he liked, first time he knew he was bisexual, first time he told it to anyone, first friend he had, first school he left, first time he knew he was different from his family—and Galinda tells him about hers—first time she felt doubt about her heterosexuality, first girl she liked, first time she felt loneliness, first time she felt her parents didn't care about her, first time she understood she couldn't deviate from expectations.
"That must be exhausting," Fiyero sighs, his head thumping on the headboard dramtically. After a few silent seconds, he looks back abd leans closer to her, "What about your roommate?"
"What about her?"
"Elphaba is green,"
"Really? I hadn't noticed,"
Fiyero shoves her waist gently, "She's probably as lonely as you are,"
"What is your point?"
"She'd understand, too," He shrugs.
"Elphaba is not interesred in friendship," Galinda shakes her head at the image of Elphaba accepting her friendship reauest, "She's made that very clear from the start,"
"Has she? Or has she developed a defense mechanism?" He smiles, "Maybe you should give her—"
The door opens then and both their heads swivel to look at Elphaba entering the room. Her eyes land on them.
"Definitely not. If you want more hours, you will give me more hours tomorrow. You get that, Galinda?" She says
Fiyero turns back to Galinda, "Defense." He mouths and then gets up from the bed, retrieving his jacket and putting on his boot before looking down at where Galinda still sits, "Mechanism." He mouths.
He bends down and kisses Galinda's head, "Talk later?"
Galinda nods at him. Then, her eyes find Elphaba.
Galinda silently watches her roommate's nightly routine. Could she? Should she try?
"What are you staring at?" Voice laced with unadultered loathing.
Galinda frowns. Obviously, she could and should not.
"Nothing."
Pfannee and Shenshen are evil.
With Fiyero by her side, with her training wand at her hand, Galinda thinks it's easy to say that.
But back in her room, when they implicitly suggested giving the hat to Elphaba and when her roommate barged in, sorcery books shoved in Galinda's face, it was not.
When Fiyero tells her it's not her fault, Galinda decides she's done with settling for indifference. She's done waiting for it to be easy to hate things and people that she hates.
When she steps forward, it's like something inside her chest is unzipped—something that was stitched painfully closed by people who should have been her nurturers, or her equals, or her friends—and what was inside was being utterly called by Elphaba.
The empty hole was begging to be filled by Elphaba.
When Galinda dances with her, when she wipes her tear, when Galinda looks at Elphaba's pained, crying face, she knows Fiyero was right.
Galinda had known Elphaba cared what others thought of her but it was difficult to see past her defense mechanism when hers was so different from Galinda's.
There's a question, asked by her sister, that keeps nagging at Elphaba.
Did something else happen that night?
No, she'd said, nothing else happened.
When she asked why, her sister tilted her head at her, smiling and said: I think you can stop looking now, Fabala.
Nessa had known, Nessa knows, of course, about Elphaba's obsession with soulmates and their presumed existence. Elphaba knows what she meant by the phrase, knows who she was hinting about.
But it's the question that makes Elphaba think the most.
She wanted to ask Nessa why she thought that, wanted to see herself outside of her own body to perhaps gauge if this was something she could permit herself to feel; if only she could watch them interact outside of her own biased interpretation, see what others—what Nessa sees.
So Elphaba thinks about the question—she'd answered nothing else happened the night of the Ozdust ballroom but perhaps it had. Perhaps something had changed to the point Elphaba stopped trying to find things (or marks) that would mean someone else was her soulmate. Perhaps the change was what happened. Perhaps—
"Elphie," Galinda calls out. "I'm so glad you're here. Can you help me out with this essay?"
Dulcibear tried describing it to her when she was little, books droned on and on with their pretty words and perfect portrayals of it, lyrics and melodies sometimes would make her feel what she felt while looking at Galinda Upland just now.
Except, the songs ended and the feeling would diminish—Elphaba realises, startingly, that what those would invoke out of her was only the beginning.
And it's such an ordinary moment, such a seemingly unimportant occurrence that it leaves Elphaba breathless with the intensity of the feeling. She stands there in front of the little mirror on the bathroom, toothbrush paused midway in the air and can't do anything but feel.
Under Elphaba's rib cage there was a warmth blossoming, spreading itself very slowly and gently throughout her whole body, reaching crevices she'd never felt anything in before. It makes her dizzy.
"Elphie," Galinda's face contorts in a painful way but it's not exactly pain she's feeling. She smiles, tears pooling in her eyes. Galinda clutches a hand over her heart, wrinkles her perfectly ironed pink uniform by fisting it as if it's going to ease up on the sudden burst of it. She takes a step forward, towards Elphaba, just one tiny one but it's enough.
"Galinda." It's a gasp but it's what she could manage under everything she's feeling at the moment.
They meet in the middle. Galinda's hand finds Elphaba's bare—because she was preparing herself to go to sleep, because she's in her nightdress—chest. Elphaba gasps again at the touch—gentle but with such fierceness that it makes Elphaba need. So she cups Galinda's waist, tugs her closer and then they're hugging.
Elphaba lets herself feel Galinda against her. Her warmth, her soft, creamy, smooth, skin, the silky fabric of her clothes, her sweet smell that Elphaba's realising she unconsciously memorised, how long she breathes in and out, the way she licks her lips.
This hug is nothing compared to the one at Ozdust; this one makes Elphaba's entire existence feel like it's too real, it brings Elphaba's awareness to a whole other level where it's too much, too good, too tangible. She lowers her head so she can nose the base of Galinda's neck, finding comfort in her sweetness. Her lips open with a sob and when tears slide down her cheek and she finds she needs to breathe, Elphaba does so through her nose as her open-mouthed leaves one gentle, wet kiss to bare skin.
She feels Galinda shudder, she feels Galinda's feelings, she feels Galinda.
"Galinda," Her voice is hoarse, wobbly. Elphaba's head lean back just enough so she can look at her.
"I feel you," She nods, crying, smiling. "I feel it, too."
After the feeling subsides, which literally means they have to quickly learn how to get used to the intensity instead of it going away at all, they fall into Galinda's bed.
"What do you know about soulmates, Galinda?"
It's quiet for a moment. Galinda is thinking. She turns to Elphaba, "Do you think...?"
"I've read everything scientific there is to read about it. Ever since I knew it happened for some people centuries ago..." Elphaba explains. They're lying side by side, not touching, staring at the ceiling—well, Elphaba is, she can feel Galinda's gaze on her now. "Ever since then, I— I'd look for mine. It became my most prominent wish for them to exist, for it to be real. Nessa knew about it. A few days ago she told me she thought I could stop looking,"
"What do you think?"
Elphaba swallows.
She doesn't know what she thinks, she knows what she feels.
Galinda snorts softly beside her. She turns to look at her and finds her fidgeting, looking down as she picks on her nails.
Elphaba frowns.
You're my best friend, she thinks, testing.
Suddenly, an echo of and you're mine travels around her head.
There is no doubt, then, that they are soulmates.
But life goes on as if nothing happened—well, as if they haven't discovered they were soulmates, that is.
Because the change from loathing each other to being friends and the hole it opened up inside Galinda is definitely something that happens that she can't ignore.
It's draining, she finds, restraining herself from letting it take what it wants. And she's glad that, although from the little few they know about soulmates and their connections, Elphaba can't exactly know where a feeling comes from.
"Does that mean—" Galinda had stuttered that night on her bed, staring at the ceiling as if it were the sky outside holding answers she knew it wouldn't have either way, "Are soulmates a romantic pairing?"
Elphaba was quiet for a few agonising minutes after she managed to find the words to ask the question.
Then, in the smallest voice she's ever heard Elphaba use and with a tightness on her chest, she'd said, "I don't know."
The ballpark is:
- Elphaba feels Galinda's emotions and Galinda Elphaba's but they don't know why the other feels that way;
- They can communicate through their minds when one wants to communicate and the other lets themselves hear them;
- Touch exacerbates the other two.
And that's it. That's what they know about tbemselves.
"What have you read about it, Elphie?" Galinda curiously inquires one night.
"Really not much. Most of what's written can't be proved so it's all theoretical." Elphaba turns around in her bed to speak directly to Galinda. "Being drawn is something that's mentioned a lot."
Galinda feels Elphaba's brain swirling—she's realised that's the best description of her own brain for when Elphaba is thinking—and waits for her.
"I had never met someone before you who made me feel anger one second and the opposite of it in the next." She whispers. Galinda feels a pang inside of her void, not sure what it means. "And even when I did feel angry with you, somehow I waited for you... I, I longed to be close to you?," Elphaba swallows. "If it were anyone else, Galinda, I don't think what happened at the Ozdust would've been enough for us to become friends."
Galinda's heart squeezes and she feels guilt closing up her throat. There's another pang and this time it's like a knife slicing through and she gets up.
Before she's even close to Elphaba's bed, she scoots back on the tiny mattress so Galinda can slip in beside her.
"Yes," Elphaba says. "You can do that,"
Galinda puffs out air through her nose, smiling emotionally, surprised, having forgotten about their newfound ability, at Elphaba before she's taking hold of her cheeks, cupping her face and kissing her forehead gently.
"I'm sorry, Elphie. I'm so sorry."
They sleep together every night after that and the pangs and knives lessen.
"So are you two in a relationship?" Fiyero asks her months later.
Galinda feels herself blush and, where Elphaba sits in another table with her sister and Boq, Galinda knows Elphaba feels the slight embarrasment she feels from the question.
"Oh, she's walking over here now. How convenient," He laughs. "Do you have some sort of mind-reading connection? Or, no wait, she has incredible hearing along with her magic, is that it?"
Galinda huffs, "Fiyero—"
Elphaba sits down next to Galinda, the side where Fiyero is not, and Galinda feels a funny feeling inside of her chest—one that is only funny because she recognises it doesn't come from her—so she smiles sweetly at Elphaba and presses closer to her. Their sides touch and the jealousy subsides.
"Is everything okay, my sweet?"
"Isn't that just adorable?" Fiyero smirks at them. "Well, I guess that answers my question, then,"
"What question?"
Galinda doesn't interrupt because, well, she sort of wants to know as well.
"If you two are dating," He says before he pops a grape into his mouth.
"It's more than that." Elphaba answers firmly.
Galinda can't help but gape at her. Before she can say anything, Elphaba continues.
"I suggest you stop trying whatever it is you were trying to do before you lose a finger, Tigelaar."
"Whoa," He raises both hands in the air, admitting defeat, "I wasn't trying to do anything."
"No? Then why did Galinda feel—"
"Elphie," She lays a hand on her thigh. "It's okay. He knows not to try anything, I... He knows I don't like men."
"You— You don't like men?"
Galinda giggles, shakes her head. The surge of hope inflates her chest and it's such a wonder sometimes this connection between them, that she can feel Elphaba's feelins when she lets her.
"Wait, so if you didn't know then you aren't together?"
Galinda watches Elphaba's side profile, the hope morphing to confusion, mixed with her own now, and she leans forward. Kisses Elphaba's cheek once, before turning back to Fiyero.
"It's complicated,"
Later, that night, everything changes.
Galinda's head rests on Elphaba's chest and she plays with her fingers. Runs her own the length of every one of them. Basks in the intimacy of the moment and the quiet. The happiness it brings just from being like this with Elphaba.
"I liked what you called me,"
"Mmm?" Elphaba asks, leaning down to catch Galinda's gaze.
Galinda looks up at her, their foreheads almost touching.
"My sweet," Her eyes drift to Elphaba's lips. She grins. "You're sweet,"
Elphaba doesn't say or do anything for a second but Galinda doesn't mind. She can feel.
Elphaba slowly and gently presses her lips to Galinda's. It sends her mind reeling. She thinks there's nothing else that will ever come close to this but then Elphaba angles her head and opens Galinda's lips with her own, then Galinda feels a tongue meet the tip of her own, sliding across her lips, swirling inside her mouth, touching her own...
Everything changes.
Galinda feels the immense gratitude, the unrestrained love and the fierce loyalty from Elphaba and to Elphaba.
For once, loneliness is only a thought—something they both once knew and felt.