I miss you
Sometimes, Matthew wonders why his father ever came back.
All he ever does is work. He goes to work before anyone is awake and comes back just after dinner- as if he was purposely missed dinner just so he didn't have to speak to his sons. He eats his meals at work or shut in his study.
That's fine though. Matthew doesn't need him, maybe he did when he was four, but certainly not anymore. He doesn't need anyone to notice or love him besides Remus.
Matthew will turn around and see Remus starring at him sadly. He doesn't blame him- they are far too young to be as strong as they are. Remus was always the stong one, a fact Matthew feels guilty about, Remus only became so tough because Matthew needed him to be. Being the youngest, Matthew never needed to be strong, until he did. Remus has suffered through so much in his just-barely-eleven-year-old life that Matthew feels he can't suffer. Or at least no one can know he does. Matthew likes to pretend that him and Remus are normal brothers, with parents who love them and are there for them, physically and emotionally, when they need them. Here, lying in the tall grass while Remus reads a book aloud, he can pretend that Remus doesn't get locked up in there shed every month. He can pretend that they have parents who help them with their homework and that ask them how there day was, that they don't spend as much time out of the house as possible, just to get away from their mam's sobs and their father's absence. But, most of all, he can pretend he isn't ignoring the fact that he will have to leave Remus here in a years time, alone. Remus will never get to Hogwarts, their father was kind enough to tell them. He was also kind enough to list all of the jobs Remus will never get a chance at because of his condition. "
"The Snowman was a great nuisance," Remus reads out, "No sooner did Joe settle himself down for a nap, leaning his head against the big warm body of a bear-"
"Remus! Someones here to see you." Hopes calls out into the garden.
Remus and Matthew spend a lot of time outside reading aloud, but why did their mam have to bother them now in the middle of their reading-The-Enchanted-Wood-time? And who was here to see Remus anyway? When Matthew arches his eyebrow at him, he just shrugges. Stop it Matthew, he tells himself. The fact that Remus had a visitor has absolutely nothing to do with his younger brother and alltime best friend. Right?
But when they enter the spotless kitchen- Hope couldn't go without wiping down the same sourfaces a million times- no one but the great Albus Dumbledore is standing there.
Dumbledore is a great man, he is insanily intelligent and is also very old. But something about how his smile doesn't reach his eyes leaves Matthew just a bit suspicious. Matthew isn't fiercely territorial of the people he considers are his. Remus is though, Remus is his. So when the old man stares at his brother like he's some sort of experiment, he is quite dangerously close to snarling and stepping infront of his Remus.
Albus Dumbledore turns his piercing blue eyes to Matthew and smiles, "I wonder if this young man here would mind stepping outside, just while I talk with Mr Lupin?" Matthew doesn't smile back.
"No," he answeres simply "if you are talking to my brother then I am going to be here aswell." Dumbledore continues smiling at him.
Matthew is surprised smoke isn't coming out of his ears as he walks back from Tesco's. Dumbledore can stick his sherbet lemons up his-
"Theo?" Remus's voice is careful. Never in a million years would Matthew admit his tone has him panicking. Sure, Remus gets his occasional anger attacks, but he is really good at fake smiles that one can't label as fake until you know him inside and out. He also knows how to keep his opinion to himself and out of his voice. Which is what he is doing right now, keeping his voice devoid of his own thoughts until Matthew gives his opinion on them.
"What is it?" Matthew sends a quick look at the house behind them.
"Mam is going to bombard you with the news once you get in anyway so I might as well just tell you now..." so you don't have to pretend to like it goes unsaid. "Dumbledore told me I have been- I've been accepted into Hogwarts." Remus tells him as though he was commenting on the weather.
"Right," He says matching Remus's tone eventhough he has got two voices screaming in his head. Both of the little voices inside his head are shouting irrational and selfish things at the moment. It's like he has an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Matthew is constantly torn between the two. But, he knows now why Remus was keeping his voice neutral.
"Yeah, mam is ecstatic and dad- well, dad couldn't care less..."
"And you?" Matthew prods because of course Remus has failed to mention his own feelings.
"I was more worried about what you were thinking, I almost thought of saying I wouldn't go." Eventhough Matthew knows why his older brother has been having these thoughts he still manages out a "Why?"
"Because I would have to leave you here alone," Remus is looking at him searching for emotions of fear and anger- things he won't find in Matthews' eyes.
"Yeah, so either we both quit the chance to spend eight years away from this shithole or we pull ourselves together and you go away for one year." Matthew tries to block out the devils' voice inside him crying that he hasn't thought this through enough yet. But, it is fine, Matthew will survive just fine for the year Remus is gone, just like how he had managed the four weeks his father abandoned them, how he has managed to survive everyday since then with his mam's sobs and father's abscence, the bullies up the street making him plot deals to get them some cigaretts. Yeah, just like that. He really has managed just fine.
"But what is the point of going there if I won't ever be accepted there?"
"Listen Remus, either you miss out on the once-in-a-life-time opportunity, or you can go and always back out."
He just hums, shooting a look at their house, "Come on then." They walk back into the kitchen where Albus Dumbledore is sitting with a cup of tea talking to Hope, who unsuprisingly springs up to go blabbing on about how proud she is of Remus to Matthew, who also unsurprisingly, starts singing Remus's praises.
Dumbledore gets up, leaving the cuppa on the table -their best china cup- and takes the bag of sherbet lemons from Matthew's hand with another fake smile. "I'll be of then, thank you for your hospitality Mrs Lupin and I hope to see you, Mr Lupin, at school in september." And with that he leaves, simultaniusly dumping the poor boys with their mother and father.All adults are useless, Matthew thinks bitterly. Because, really, how hard is it to see how these boys have had to raise themselves since they were born.
Before that sets of a memory rollarcoaster Matthew goes to his bedroom and cuddles Mr Tod tight to his chest. Even here Matthew can't put the happy smiles down, because, sure enough, a minute after Remus comes into their room carefully.
"Everything alright?" It is a pointless question really, as if Matthew was going to give him a truthfull answer.
"Yeah and you?"
Remus nods and really there just both liars trying to defend themselselves. And maybe, Matthew ignores the ugly truth in favour for the pretty lies, but isn't Remus just as bad doing nothing with the truth he finds? Matthew pushes this thought to the side, Remus can't do anything wrong in his younger brothers' eyes, for he was Matthews' protector and saviour. Remus could do no wrong.
"Oh my bachgen bach!" Hope Lupin wails for the hundreth time today squeezing her baby boy into a hug. Matthew isn't jealous, alright? Not one bit.
They are standing at Kings Cross station and have been for almost an hour. Apparently it takes Hope a while to say goodbye to her precious Remus.
As Matthew tries to find anywhere else to look but his mam and brother, his eyes fall opon the big clock on the brick wall. 10:56, brilliant, he now has four minutes before his Remus will be dragged of to Hogwarts where Matthew won't see him until Christmas. He is coming back for Christmas, isn't he?
"Mam, I think that is Amanda Fiddlejack, dads' boss. I'm sure if you go speak to her she might give dad a promotion and then he will be really happy." It is a febble excuse, but Hope buys it anyway, leaving the two boys alone.
"Is that really Mrs Fiddlejack?"
Remus shruggs, "I don't know, but I remember father saying her name a few times this week." He looks back over at his younger brother and hugs him, planting a kiss on top of his head. Matthew feeds on the hug like a drug.
"You'll be fine." Remus says more to himself than anyone else.
They are talking welsh, but over the past few weeks Remus asked if they could talk english together. Due to the fact that they live in Wales and don't often talk to their father, their english gets a little rusty. Matthew finds it understandable that Remus, going to Scotland, might want to brush up on both their speaking skills.
"So will you, beside I am sure you will find a friend." The memory of their father scolding Remus and Matthew comes to mind. Matthew knows they have been lucky, their parents don't physically abuse them or anything like that, so sure, they might have left a one-year-old Remus to take care of their baby, but they never hit them. That night Matthew was telling Remus about how surely he will make friends there (Remus was very upset, though he didn't show it, and Matthew was trying to console him) and their father, who had completly ignored the subject of Remus going to Hogwarts- he had actually ignored their existence since he came back when they were four and five- had then shouted that Remus were to stay as far away from people as humanly possible.
Remus nodds and Matthew tightens his arms around, "I love you, you know Remus." They don't tell it to each other as much as they should. Certainly both of them need to hear it.
"I love you too. I'm really going to miss you, Theo, but we will see each other soon. I promise."
They break apart as Hope comes back. Her eyes are still red and puffy when Remus boards the train. Matthew gives him a smile, one that's far too confident for how he actually feels.
As Hope turns around to leave without another word Matthew catches sight of a boy with long, black hair and grey eyes starring at him. He looks away once he realizes Matthew has noticed him.
Matthew is standing next to his mother with a box of tissues with Remus's letter, like every week. Sometimes, Hope is so upset about missing Remus that Matthew will read the weeks letter over and over again. She always forgets what it said in them, it is more the fact that Remus has written then the actual contents of the letter.
It is november, it has been three months. Only one more left until Matthew gets to see Remus again. For some painful moments he had wished he and Remus had been twins, but then who would have looked after Matthew?
Hope bounces a giggling Remus on her lap as she feeds him. She reads him some books and he helps her in the kitchen. Remus claps his tiny hands together once the story ends. Lyall speeds past, planting a kiss on his wife and sons' head. Everyone ignores the five-month-old baby in the cot. Matthew has learned that crying won't get him anything, but he is terribly starving so the tears roll down his rosy cheeks soundlessly.
Remus is put into his own cot. Hope leaves the night-light on and leaves. It is the same everyday. Matthew starts to kick his small legs in frustration. Hope used to feed him more often than this. She used to roll his cot into the kitchen, feed him and then just leave him in there. But still, she fed him. Nowadays, she feeds him once or twice a day. A fact that has left him quite unhealthy. Remus, an empath even at the wise age of one, would climb into Matthews' cot and feed him from his own bottle, he would just slide in next to Matthew. Remus would then wake up when Matthew started crying and feed him again.
As Remus and Matthew grew up, Remus didn't stop taking care of him. He still sat, bent over Matthew as he supervised that he did his homework.
After the night Remus was bitten, Hope stopped reading Remus stories.
Remus had done absolutely everything for Matthew. Remus had taught Matthew how to speak, how to read, to tie his shoelaces, pack his bag, brush his teeth... Sure, Remus might have had help and Matthew didn't, but that didn't mean that Remus was forced in any way to take care of Matthew.
Matthew feels dizzy after those flashbacks. He leaves Hope, sticking the letter in his pocket, as he goes and gets two bars of chocolate from the fridge. One of them he lays on a fresh piece of parchment, next to his quill. The full moon will be tomorrow and Matthew isn't taking any chances. Remus always said chocolate made him feel better and tomorrow would be a tuesday, right in the middle of the week.
He curles up on the windowsill next to his brothers' bed. As he munches on the last bit of his own chocolate bar, he thinks of what to write. Matthew the pulls out Remus's last letter and reads it yet again.
Dear Theo,
How are things? How are mam and dad, how are you?
Here at Hogwarts, like I tell you in every letter, is amazing. James is top of the class in Transfiguration, Sirius in Astronomy, Peter in Herbology and Lily in Potions. I honestly don't know why you care about who is top of which class, but there you go anyway. I had porridge with raisins and cinamon (I knew you'd ask eventhough I have the same every morning.) Today in potions we learned about a "Cure For Boils", can you believe it contains Flobberworm mucus?
How are things at school, who did you sit with at lunch? Have you been to the library today, did you see Sally and Tommy? Did you remember to feed Woodhouse and Mr Darcy? Tell Mrs Piguet I wish her and her hip well.
Did you know Hogwarts is actually pretty strict? I mean, they kind of have to be, but I still had't expected it. We aren't allowed to leave the common rooms before 8:00am and we can't leave our dormitories after 10:00pm. We are actually forbidden to enter the kitchen, but James and Sirius don't care.
Remember that "Cure For Boils" I was telling you about? Well they managed to reverse it, so that it caused boils! They targeted the slytherins, (mostly Snape, Avery, Mulciber and Wilkes) it was brilliantly excecuted. I wish you were there to see it. I always wish you were there. You would love it here.
Yes, I will be fine on the next full. No, no one suspects anything. I think it helps that mum is actually a bit sick.
The boys ask about you lots, and the Marlene and Lily say you must be a great person. Mary doesn't, she says she "already knows you are brilliant". She is not wrong ( she never is).
I miss you, lots. James, Sirius, Peter and the girls say hi.
Yours,
Remus
Matthew laughed again quietly. Remus says he isn't funny, but he's to modest. Matthew also frowned a little when he read "how is school". He picked up his quill and began to write.
Dear Remus,
I am fine, school is fine and mam is fine. I expect father is fine aswell.
I like knowing my enemies weaknesses, says I filling away your friends's favourite subjects for later. I also like knowing if your eating well, besides you become more aware of what you ate if you write it down. I notice you have only written down breakfast, did you only eat breakfast?
What even is a flobberworm mucus? Actually, I probably don't want to know. Do you have Care Of Magical Creatures, and if so, when are you doing unicorns?!
I went to the library after school, Mr Llyfrgellydd bach has restocked the entire fantasy section. It is now super updated.
Do James and Sirius still bring you food after each lleuad llawn? They are both so smart aswell. I have read about reversing charms and apparently it takes and incredible mind to be able to pull it of.
I wish I was there too, but I will be. Only a few months left Remus, we can do this. I promise.
How did that charms essay go and is Professor Flitwick a good teacher? I have borrowed some of fathers' books on the study of charms, I think it is fascinating. I can't decide whether I like Charms more than Defense Agains The Dark Arts or the other way around. Which one do you like more?
Please write to me tomorrow if you can. I know you said you would be fine, but I don't believe you. You know it is alright to miss one day of school. Here is a chocolate bar, eat it! Tell me if I should send some more next time, I know the kitchens don't have your favourite but I do.
I was chatting to Tommy just yesterday and I will see Sally on thursday. Of course I feed Woodhouse and yes I will feed Miss Bennet, I always do.
Send them all my love, hope you are doing well.
Yours,
Theo
Matthew ties the bar of chocolat and the letter to the Lupin family owl, Miss Bennet. They had got her when they were reading Pride and Predjudice and the boys were hopplessly in love with it. Matthew with Miss Bennet and Remus with Mr Darcy. As they couldn't decide what to name her, both of them bickered constantly about it.
Their father wasn't bothered about her, he never sent letters to anyone as he was always at the Ministry, so she unofficially was their owl. They constantly sent letters back and forth -even if it was just very short ones like now.
Matthew lies himself down in Remus's bed, like every night, pulling out his notepad to starts adding the things Remus has said to his "HOGWARTS DESCRIPTION" page. He liked knowing things, it also kind of made him think he was there with Remus, at Hogwarts.
It had a lot of things written down in it and most of them were small details, like the pudding on Wednesdays or the different hiding nooks in the gardens and all of the secret passage ways.
When he still doesn't feel sleepy, he stares out at the moon. Before Remus was bitten, Matthew didn't much like the moon. But now, he takes comfort in it, as though it was some sort of special connection between him and his brother.
Matthew is a very rational person. He thinks things over and over before making a desicion. This is an exception.
Usually Matthew would have Remus here to help him, the years 8 boys seem to have noticed that he no longer has his older brother anymore. They think it is funny to tease him, to corner him. Needless to say, Matthew does not think it is funny. Hope Lupin hasn't noticed when her son has turned up at home, limping with big gashes and dark purple bruises.
So, he might be able to forgive himself for hiding out in the bookshop when he sees them by the school gate. Maybe.
He hasn't told Remus- he would only freak out and do something stupid, like coming back home. There are only a few more weeks left until Christmas holiday. Two painful weeks.
Remus might miss Matthew, but he has friends at school. He is sure the boys would do anything and everything for Remus, Lily, Mary and Marlene as well.
Matthew doesn't. He doesn't have even one friend. His brakes are spent in the bathrooms, he sits at the back of the class.
Make no mistake, Matthew isn't jealous. He might often lie to himself about his feeling, but he isn't now, not about this. Remus deserves to have friends. Matthew isn't jealous that Remus has friends, he desperatly wants to be their friends too. He is just annoyed he can't be with them all now.
This is why he pulls out his notebook and stares at the notes he has made about all of them.
JAMES POTTER
·unruly hair
·glasses
·very big ego
·heart to match it
·severe crush on Lily Evans
SIRIUS BLACK
·long hair
·lether jacket
·laid back
·has a brother
·explodes when emotions get to much
PETER PETTIGREW
·small
·plays chess
·likes animals
·blond hair
LILY EVANS
·smart
·doesn't like James
· good at potions
·has a sister
And so on...
Matthew was hoping, that maybe, just maybe, if he starred at his writting on the paper long enough, he might wake up to find he has dozed of and is actually sitiing next to his brother and best friends eating breakfast.