Dating
“You’re not sappily happy,” Ursa sits next to Marlene at breakfast with a fruit salad Marlene doesn’t know where she got from, she can’t see it on the table “Shit date yesterday?”
“No. I mean… not exactly?” she sets down her fork and casts a silencing spell around them “I had fun, it’s just… it felt more like hanging out with a friend, there was no spark, is that what it’s always like?”
“It is when you date a friend you have no romantic interest in”
“What else am I supposed to do?” she throws her hands up in defeat “who else am I supposed to date?”
“She’s not the only queer girl in Hogwarts”
“I’m not dating Dorcas!” Marlene hisses and Ursa smiles
“I didn’t mean her, but interesting that your mind went there”
“Oh, shut up”
“I mean, if you want fire…”
“I also want decency and a brain thank you very much”
“I didn’t say you should marry her, I just thought you were horny”
“I’m not horny!” Ursa holds her palms up with a laugh
“What are you two lovely ladies talking about?” James puts a hand on Marlene’s shoulder and sits next to her
Marlene waits for him to take a drink before she answers “Peter’s penis” just as expected he spits it back up
“Really?!”
“Of course not,” Marlene chuckles “I have to go, I have to finish my transfiguration essay before first period” she waves them off and scatters off but still James won’t leave. Ursa takes a deep breath and holds back the roll of her eyes, James is a puppy and he seems to have misplaced his owner
“Did your parents send you the list?”
“What list?” he pushes his glasses further up his face as he butters a toast
“The guest list for their christmas party, you said they’d send it to you for modifications?”
“Oh yeah, here it is” he searches his pockets until he finally comes up with a wrinkled piece of paper. Ursa takes it off his hands and frowns at the short list of names
“All this people go to Hogwarts, aren’t your parents going to invite any real adults?”
“Well yeah, but I don’t know who, they only send the people they think I might want to invite to see if they're forgetting something, not their friends, why would they send me over the list of their adult friends?” Ursa simply stares at him, she fears it might be a bit too much blunt, unverbalized communication for a filterless James but he catches up eventually “I’ll ask them to send me the full list” he offers and she pets him on the head “Oh, that’s nice” he smiles cheerfully and she fights the instinct to shove his face into the buttered toast.
“Can you get me a date?” Dorcas sits down next to Ursa
“Hello to you too”
“Please Ursa pleeease” she pouts and Ursa looks at her like she stinks
“Ew”
“Who do you want to date Cas?” James looks over Ursa
“Girls”
“But what girls? Wait, girls in plural or—”
“You think I could get girls in plural? That’d be nice, have you and Reg ever—”
“Don’t you three look cozy” Sirius smirks as he slumps down in front of them with Peter to his right
“I can’t believe I’m actually grateful you’re here”
“Hey! I came here to talk to you”
“I’ll do it— thank you four for reminding me why I hate having breakfast in the great hall” she stands with a flip of her hair and walks away
“She’s a bit cranky in the mornings” Dorcas tells them
“She’s always cranky around us” Peter rolls his eyes
“Well yeah, but I was trying to be nice about it”
“Maybe we could set you up, I’ve got an instinct for love”
“I don’t think your instinct to love any and all things applies to this Jamie”
“Aw, it’s so cute when you call me Jamie, and do you know why? Because I can tell you love me” he says smugly and Peter laughs
“I don’t care, I’ll take any chick that agrees to go out with a girl” Dorcas butts in “except Pandora, cause that’d be weird”
“Okay, I think I can do something with those standards” James winks at her and the boys chat away about potential names as Dorcas skips off merrily to join Pandora in the Ravenclaw table
Peter can’t stop stalling it. He wants to, but he knows better than to piss Ursa off. He finds Gideon in the common room laughing with his brother and his two boyfriends. “We need to talk.”
“Uh-oh, travel in paradise?” Fabian snickers and Peter glares at him
“Already? But you didn’t even get to the fun part,” Benji turns to look at him “You didn’t, did you?”
“Seriously?” Peter glares intensifies, exactly how widespread is this rumor? “You told him?”
“His hotter brother told me”
“Hey! You only say that cause you’ve never seen me naked”
“And he won’t.” Caradoc cuts in with a peck
“And neither will I, where the hell did you get the idea that anything beyond a friendly chat was going to happen?”
“We’ll give you two some privacy” Caradoc, the saint, tugs on both his boyfriends hands
“Wha— But I wanna witness this” Benji pouts
“Yes, do you have any idea how much material it’ll give me to annoy him? As his brother—”
“—Would you rather hear about your brother’s failed threesome or have one?”
“When you put it like that…” they rush up the stairs before he can finish the thought
“They seem happy”
“Yeah, three works brilliant for them” Gideon smirks as he steps into his space
“Stop it!” Peter swats at him and he chuckles “Keep your hands to yourself!”
“Is this because I told Ursa? I for sure thought she was gonna be part of the party, but I guess Amy was right. Shame, I always wanted to take a Black out for a spin”
“What?” Peter doesn’t know where to start asking questions so he just blinks
“I mean, I’d prefer Sirius so I can cross out another name on Marauder bingo, I wasted too much time on James last year, but—”
“Marauder bingo? Nevermind, not important right now, we’re not having an orgy, we were never going to have an orgy!”
“We’ve been talking about it for quite some time, it’s alright if you chicken out, I told Ursa— Oh, that’s it, isn’t it? Your girl wasn’t a big fan of my offer then? I hope she didn’t get too mad”
“No.” Peter crosses his arms in front of his chest and reluctantly admits “she made fun of me for not realizing was scheduled into an orgy”
“Wait, you really didn’t know?”
“Really. Which means you’re gonna get me out of it. And never again offer a threesome to Ursa”
“Pity, I wanted to see if her eyes turn black when she’s turned on”
“You mean like a demon?”
“Not what I meant” he chuckles “look, I’m not gonna pressure you into an orgy, but I’m also definitely not going to be the one to disappoint them. Specially not Amelia, she can a bit intense sometimes. Definitely enticing for an orgy but—”
“If you don’t get me out of this I’ll tell Sirius you fucked Remus and Regulus that you tried it with James”
“Evil. It was before they got together, I’m not in the business of breaking people up”
“Blacks don’t like sharing their toys but have it your way, it’ll be your funeral”
“Demon. Ugh. I’ll do it. But I hate you so much”
“Love you too” he blows him a kiss with a smug smile
They’re self proclaimed marauders for a reason. Even if McGonagal was the first to call them that. They’re tucked under the invisibility cloak past curfew to set up some stink bombs on time delay in the hallways. They’d normally target the Slytherin common room but none of them were up for a sad Prongs if Regulus got mad at him for it.
They run into Mary and Marlene in the common room. They’re waiting for Lily or studying or something that isn’t important to them but they’ll definitely notice if the portrait opens on its own. Wormtail crawls out of James’ shoulder and squeaks his way over to spook them away “Pleeease, why won’t you just tell me?” Mary whines
“It doesn’t matter anyway, there won’t be a second one” Marlene says with a tired sigh
“But I’m your best friend! You’re meant to tell me, you have to tell me. Who did you go out with?”
“Quit bugging me!” by the tone in her voice they can tell they’ve been at this for quite the long time
“Just tell me!” Mary groans
“Palmer Pettigrew! Happy now? I went out with a girl!” Marlene snaps and Peter squeaks in surprise. Marlene squeals and climbs onto the couch pointing at Wormtail in horror, she tosses a pillow at him
“Marls, you like girls?!” James speaks with a smile before his own brain can stop him. Cover already blown, he steps out from under the cloak, pretends he was hiding behind a couch “This is brilliant! I was trying to set up a friend, oh you two would be absolutely perfect! Pads, don’t you think they’d look super cute together?”
“Yeah! You’d make such a cute couple!” he agrees and Remus sighs. Marlene stares at them in paralyzed horror
“We can’t out her to you, but we could like set up a blind date, oh that’d be so romantic!” Peter squeaks in protest and James’ eyes widen “Of course if you’re not planning on going out with Palmer again, we’re not trying to get between you two”
“Can one of you get that thing out of here!” Marlene cries out pointing at Wormtail who huffs out in offense but it comes out more like a screech
“Oh Ursa was right,” Mary mourns appalled “that was the wrong out to wear,” she groans “Palmer’s a Hufflepuff, you should’ve worn that yellow shirt that makes your tits look great” Marlene just blinks and stares
“She can wear it to her blind date!” James sits down next to them, scooping Peter up and placing him on Sirius’ shoulder
“Yes!” Mary lights back up and they instantly start planning, prank forgotten.
The other three sneak off to do said pranking and since James is no longer part of the prank… well Sirius has a brilliant idea.
“I promise, I had nothing to do with this!” James squeals with his palms up at Regulus’ stinky glower in the morning as Sirius falls into Remus laughing so hard his stomach hurts
“Oh really, you expect me to believe that?” he quirks a brow and James straightens up with a gasp
“Of course it’s true, I was busy planning to make love bloom while they try to squelch our love”
“Salazar you’re dramatic” Regulus rolls his eyes but it loses all its heat with the fond smile slipping onto his lips
“Why don’t we go to the prefect’s bathroom and I’ll tell you all about my plan?” James offers and Regulus accepts with a sigh.
Then comes the grimacing fear of Peter when he sees Ursa stroll into the great hall, he doesn’t have the same cover James does. Sirius –the asshole– waves at her with a devilish gleam on his face. She returns a smirk and makes a bee line straight towards them.
“Hello Peter Pet,” She stops about a meter away from them “aren’t you going to get up and wish your lovely girlfriend good morning?” she flutters her lashes at him and Peter pales. Please no, he thinks.
“Yes Peter, aren’t you going to wish her good morning?” Remus has a smug grin and Peter suddenly wants to scream werewolf at the top of his lungs
“Go ahead Peter, you wouldn’t want to hurt my baby sister’s feelings, would you?”
“I hate you”
“Yes Pet, don’t you love me anymore?” she coils her face up into a brilliant performance of affliction and he realizes there’s no way out of this. He takes a deep breath and bites the bullet. He holds his breath as he approaches her. She wraps her arms around him and rubs her hedor onto him “Take a breath love” her eyes sparkle as she peers up at him with her claws webbed around him, trapping him in place. Sirius and Remus –as a few other Gryffindors– stare at him in expectation. His face turns blotchy red and he can’t hold it anymore, he breathes in. He sinks into her without mind at the sweet scent
“You don’t stink” he breathes with parted lips and she smirks “you heathen”
“You deserved it and you know it”
“Alright fine, maybe I did, by why don’t you stink?”
“Do you like my perfume? It’s new” she leans her head to the side to expose her neck and it does smell delightful
“Yes,” he casts a quick silencing charm and she eyes him up and down “but that’s not the reason you don’t stink, we made sure of it, the only possible way is if you weren’t in the dungeons. So where were you, doll? Should I be jealous? Are you having an affair?”
“Says the one with a scheduled orgy”
“Hey! I took care of that, and don’t try to distract me, it won’t work” he pinches her arm and she smiles
“How did you get yourself out of it?”
“I told you no— I’ll tell you if you tell me”
“You’re learning” she coos at him with gleam in her eyes — or at least that’s what he thinks it is “okay deal”
“You go first then”
“Don’t you trust me?” she peers up at him with a put on pout
“No.” he answers simply and a smile spreads across her lips
“Knew you were smart. I was in the Hufflepuff common room, your turn now”
he spares a glance at his friends and lowers his voice “I told Gideon if he didn’t get me out of it I’d tell Sirius that he slept with Remus and Regulus that he made a move on James last year— before you yell at me, I didn’t mention that they were already together then, just that Blacks don’t like sharing their toys.” he lets his arms fall down to her waist in a loose embrace “What were you doing with the Hufflepuffs?”
“Talking. Which leads me to: I need a nap, and since you morons stinked up my common room, I’m taking yours”
“Well, we didn’t get much sleep either so you’ll have to share, or hopefully find somewhere else to sleep, I hear the girls’ dorm is empty”
“But they wouldn’t mind, and where’s the fan in that”
“Demon” he pinches the loose skin of her elbow and she smiles, he may be loosely smiling too
“That only means I still have to rise up the ranks to Devil, maybe I could cut Sirius’ hair in his sleep, what do you think?” a snort falls out of his lips before he can stop it. He blushes and rushes to take his seat again
“What were you two gossiping about?” Sirius looks at him with an expression Peter can’t quite decipher and he isn’t truly holding eye contact long enough to figure it out,
“She wants to borrow your bed, she was up all night too” he answers after a quick silencing charm, just to be safe
“You know,” Remus spreads some blueberry jam on quarter toast with an unassuming smile “King might walk in and find it odd that you two aren’t sharing” he bites into his toast to hide his smirk but Peter rises to match it
“You’re right”
“You’re not sleeping with my sister” Sirius turns to him with fire in his eyes and Peter isn’t sure if it’s over some bullshit honor for his ‘little sister’ or the knowledge of how much she hates physical contact
“Right, no thanks, but he wouldn’t find it weird if she’s being guarded by her protective older brother”
“Why do you two hate me?” Sirius sighs dramatically
“I’m sure Peter wouldn’t hate sharing with her if you prefer, his issue with her has never been physical”
“Ew, Moony!” Sirius groans “is this because I kicked you the other night? Because I’ll have you know, she is the reason I kick in my sleep, like a defense mechanism or something” Remus chuckles and presses a kiss into his temple, Sirius sinks into him
“Not in front of my breakfast” Peter speaks through a mouthful of porridge “I thought you hated PDA Moony”
“Pads loves it,” he shrugs “I’ve been working on it” if he thought they were sappy before, the look of belated adoration on Sirius face is vomit inducing
“I love you so much”
“I love you too sweetheart”
Peter makes retching sounds and Remus holds a middle finger up to him
“Why can’t you be supportive? Prongs would be congratulating him and telling him how proud of him we are”
“He’s also shagging your baby brother” moony reminds ever so helpfully because apparently that’s been enough pda for a day
“Ew”
“If it makes you feel better, I’m pretty sure James calls it making love” Peter suggest
“Not anymore, Regulus told him off it”
“Ew, can we stop talking about my baby brother shagging my other brother, please?”
“Please” Peter agrees and Remus smiles at him, he’s already regretting every decision he’s ever made
“We could talk about your other brother keen on incest” Peter chokes on his spoon
“What?!” Sirius squeals
“You saw them up there, all cosied up, all smiles and eyes”
“Need I remind you we’re meant to pretend we’re in love?”
“Yes, but I also know you, and I know she genuinely made you laugh”
“Okay fine, I’ll admit, on occasion she can be funny”
“What did she say?” Sirius asks and Peter puts a spoonful in his mouth instead of answering “Pettigrew, what did she say?”
“Don’t think you want to hear it, Pads” Remus –a wretched traitor– is having far too much fun with this
“Actually, she said the status of Demon only meant she had to scale up to Devil. I thought it was funny” he purposely leaves out the bit about his hair being cut because frankly that’s none of his business
“You called her a demon?”
“I drew her as a demon a few times too, see?” he pulls his sketchbook out of his pocket and expands it back to it’s usual size, he passes through the pages until he finds what he’s looking for, a horny shadowy demon perched up against a windowsill with a mask in its hand “She said I had to sketch her as a way to keep up our rouse, but to be honest I think she just wanted to stroke her own ego”
Sirius takes his chance to skim through the drawings, it’s rare that Peter ever lets him see his art so he’s seizing this moment “Aw! Look at this one!” He stops on a page and points to the vague sketch of Remus petting a black figure curled up on his lap, there’s not enough detail to make out what it is but Sirius doesn’t need it to know that’s Padfoot “Look Moony, it’s us” he beams at him brightly and Remus seems to forget the rest of the school exists. It’s probably that reason why Peter is mean enough to say:
“Oh no, that’s meant to be your brother, Regulus,” he adds the name to dig it in because he’s evil. He blames his time spent with Ursa, everything seems benevolent next to her and nothing seems as vile “I’ve always pictured him as a black cat”
“What? Why would my Moony be cuddling my brother? Did this actually happen? When did you and Regulus snuggle?”
“Never, he’s messing with you because he’s a dick” Peter’s chuckle gives him away, Remus –as usual– is right
“Speaking of dicks— that wasn’t as smooth of a segway as it intended it to be— anyways, did you hear Charlie MacMillan couldn’t get it up with Lacy Prowell? Mary and Marlene swear they heard from Isaac that he heard from Sussy that he’s actually dating Charles Greengrass, Poppy calls them the squares because, you know, Charles square, which I think is a shit name for a couple and I thought Greengrass and Emma Vanity were a thing—”
“Wait, what’s our couple's name?” Sirius cuts off the rambling Remus isn’t even pretending to be listening to
“Oh, Marlene calls you Blupin,” Peter stirs his porridge because he knows the second he tells them about their real ship name it’ll go straight to Sirius’ big head
“That’s not bad, it kind of sounds like an exotic wolf, don’t you think Moons?”
“What’s a couple’s name?” Remus frowns at them
“Aren’t you a nerd for all things bookish?”
“Honestly Moony, how can you not know what a couple’s name is?”
“Wait, is that why Lily calls me Midnight Sky whenever I’m with you?”
“Oh! Midnight Sky, I love that! We so win at being a couple!” Sirius preens and Remus frowns
“How do you win at being a couple?”
“We’re the cutest, meant to be together forever and ever like the moon and the stars, always together”
“Blink twice if you need an out Moony” Peter jokes
“Shut up rat” Sirius isn’t settle by just glaring at him, he kicks him under the table too
“Ouch, I was joking”
“I didn’t spook you, right Moons?”
“I already told you they’ll have to pry you off my stone-cold dead hands” Moony assures them and Peter gags
“Ew, you used to be cool Lupin, Sirius’ turned you into a corny sap”
“You’re just jealous” Sirius brushes him off
“I’m really not. If this is what love looks like then no thanks, I’m good by my lonely single self”
“Don’t call yourself lonely or you’ll have James dangling off your neck again” Remus warns and Peter chuckles and reaches for his sketchbook but Sirius slips it out of his grasp
“Hold on, can I keep this one? Moony looks so cute and fluffy”
“I don’t think anyone’s ever thought of me as cute and fluffy before”
“I always think of you like that” Sirius informs him
“Yes, honestly, have you seen the sweaters you wear? What else do you expect people to think?”
“Told you Moons, you don’t know the effect you have on people” Sirius pecks his cheek and Remus blushes a furious red
“Why did you think everyone always wants to sleep with you?” Sirius makes an unhappy sound at that and Peter rolls his eyes at him “They want to sleep with you too Padfoot” he waves him off with the back of his hand
“They don’t want to sleep with me”
“Remus even I, your monogamous and very possessive boyfriend, know you used to get it”
“Well yeah, but that’s just because I was right there, convenience and I know some were just curious about my scar and wanted to see the full horror”
“People slept with you because you make them feel safe and comfortable to explore your sexuality”
“I’m a werewolf.” he reminds them
“Probably your wolf form is safer than some blokes here”
“And need I remind you, your brilliant personality is not the only reason why you got the hottest guy at school to fall for you?”
“Really Sirius? Are you really calling yourself the hottest guy at school? You really have no shame”
“Alright fine, you’re right. Second after Moony but that’s it.”
“You know,” Peter grins a wicked smile at the love-sap idiots staring at each other fondly “I do remember Remus voting for Reg as the hottest Black sibling, who happens to also go to this school, so it looks like you’re not only not the hottest guy in this school, you’re also not the hottest one in your own family. In fact, if I remember correctly, you were fucking last”
“Low blow Pettigrew, I was just trying to hide my big fat crush on my best friend”
“Yeah, that hurt a lot Moony— it makes more sense now why your vote bothered me more than the rest though. Maybe we should have a recount and vote again”
“Don’t think you’d want that, I doubt Marlene would vote for you again”
“Moony” Sirius whines and his boyfriend chuckles
“Let's get you to bed pretty boy”
“Oh, but I’ll have to share with Ursa. And she kicks me. On purpose”
“I’ll tell you what, if she kicks you then you can slip into mine”
“Deal!”
“You two are disgusting” he wrinkles his nose at them but he’s smiling and keeps eating his porridge as the other two head upstairs