Do Not Test My Power
My heart, my hips, my body, my love
Trying to find a part of me that you didn't touch
Gave up on me like I was a bad drug
Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club
Our songs, our films, united we stand
Our country, guess it was a lawless land
Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand
Paper cut stings from our paper thin plans
“What are we doing here?” Remus follows Regulus into the room of requirement. The full moon’s coming up and this time is no exception. He’s irritated and buzzing with energy ready to burst out of his one skin. Okay, the mad, slightly animal way he’s undone Sirius only to put him back together again is kind of new, it makes it better than the other ones and Sirius seems more than happy to help cheer him up
“Tonight’s the full moon”
“Thanks for the reminder” Remus huffs “I almost forgot” his sarcasm is a bit harsher around the full, it has a bite to it that it usually lacks
“I have this working theory, the more energy you use today, the less energy Moony will have tonight”
“Well I was planning on using that energy on your brother before you dragged me away”
“Not the type I had in mind”
“You want me to exercise.” Regulus is a brave and stupid man to aggravate a werewolf on the day of the full moon
“No. Well not just that. Healing takes up energy too”
“You want me to fight you?” Remus’ head snaps up to look at him
“Of course not” Ursa twirls on the single spinning chair in the empty room with a delighted grin “you’ll be fighting me.”
“Not happening” he turns on his heels but Regulus beats him to it. He shoves him into the room and shuts it on his way out
“Oh, come on, I know you want to.” she says when Remus grabs the handle “You all do. Come on, the wolf is restless inside you, itching for a fight, you probably have a lot of pent up anger ready to be released, who better to take it out on than me? I hurt your friend, and your boyfriend, who is also your best friend or some sappy shit like that, so why not take it out on me?”
“Because I’m not deranged!” he finds he’s standing right in front of her, when did he walk closer to her?
“Oh well” Ursa sighs “I guess we’ll just have to resort to plan b”
“What’s plan b?”
“Moony?” the door opens to a smirking Sirius “I must say, you had a brilliant idea—”
“ Expelliarmus ” both wands fly to her hand “ petrificus partialis ” Sirius whole body goes stiff, all the way up to his neck, all except his head
“What the fuck?! Ursa?! What are you doing here? And what are you doing?! Why can’t I move?!”
“Ursa, give us back our wands” Remus’ nails dig into his palms. Ursa glances down at his hands with a twitching smile
“Nope,” she levitates her brother over to the chair “you know how to stop this” she winks at the werewolf and he growls
“Can someone please explain to me what the fuck is going on?!”
“Regulus has a theory Moony will be more complacent if Remus exhausts all his anger, aggression and energy before the moon rises”
“Fine, unbind me then and I’ll get right on that”
“No. Not that kind, you disgusting old man”
“Old?! I’m only a year older than you!”
“And a month. Almost two”
He makes a lot of outraged, sputtering sounds before huffs back to topic “Why does Regulus plans mean I have to be paralyzed from the head down?”
“Because your little boyfriend refuses to fight me. You’re the motivation”
“What?!” Remus growls a deadly sound, Ursa smirks and Sirius groans
“Moony, don’t make that sound when I can do nothing about it” Sirius whines
“Don’t you want to help your boyfriend?” she pouts at him
“Oh, I don’t like the sound of that” Sirius sighs “I’m pretty sure your definition of ‘helping him’ involves mental scarring and traumatizing him” he glares at his sister “probably why Regulus isn’t here”
“Actually, he just didn’t want to see someone hitting me, isn’t he adorable?” She smiles at Sirius and Remus reaches for the door to look for the one person who can stop this, coincidentally the one who unknowingly started it “If you take a step out that door my darling brother will pay for it”
“It’s fine Moony, she’s just trying to manipulate you, I’ll be fine”
“What he means is he can handle it, he’s done it before, you know he has plenty of experience with torture. So what if James promised he’d be safe now and you promised not to let his family lay another finger on him? People break promises all the time. I’m actually breaking a promise right now” she says cheerfully “I promised rat-boy I wouldn’t be mean to you, and look at us now” she says fondly, like reminiscing a lovely memory
“You are deranged.”
“Yes, but you are not enraged . Yet. Let's fix that, shall we?”
“Don’t” Remus warns in a low growl
“That’s the spirit!” she encourages him “come on now, use your fists”
“Don’t listen to her Moons. Ursa, stop. Regulus!”
“Ugh, silencio . Sirius this isn’t about you. Actually, I don’t really know who it’s about. Actually, I’m just bored” she shrugs “but let's have fun, yeah? Why don’t we? Let's see. I need… a gun— no, a knife, let's make it last longer!” Sirius stares at his sister and for a moment he sees their cousin Belltrix
“Don’t. Touch. Him.”
“Or what?” she takes the knife the room grants her and twirls it around in her hand
“REGULUS!” he calls out as loud as his lungs will permit. The door opens not long afterwards.
“Shit.” He grimaces, Ursa unarms him before he can even process what’s happening “I didn’t think this through” he shuts the door and takes a step into the room “Can you put the bloody knife down?!”
“This thing?” she frowns at it like she’s genuinely confused by it being in her hand before she smirks with all her evil, wretched self “But it’s not bloody . Yet. Let's fix that” without another warning she drags the blade along her brother’s chest and it drips red. Regulus tries talking but Remus just reacts. He takes the knife and stabs her “Holy shit. You actually stabbed me. Gotta admit, not what I was expecting, I’m kinda proud of you”
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What did I do? I didn’t mean to—”
“Don’t ruin it by regretting it. Ah, shit.” she clutches her chest as red oozes out of her “Reggie?” she holds a bloody hand onto the chair “catch me” she slumps forwards, Regulus is there to catch her before she falls.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t— I shouldn’t have— I don’t know why I—”
“Oh, relax, is just a little stabbing”
“You’re bleeding out!”
“I’m not bleeding out.” she waves him off
“No! Don’t take out the knife!” but Regulus is too late to warn him before he does and blood gushes out.
“Well now I’m bleeding out” Regulus performs healing charm after healing spell. Once Sirius regains his movement and voice, he joins him. The bleeding slows down consideringly but doesn’t stop fully
“Fuck. We need to get her to Pomfrey” bleeding out, bloody and all, she still flicks him on the forehead
“No the fuck we’re not. I’ll be fine” she waves him off
“What?! Have you lost your bloody mind?! You clearly have! The blood loss is making you delusional!”
“You say that like she ever had a sane mind to begin with” Sirius huffs and Remus gapes at him in horror
“Can you stop overreacting, wolf-boy? It’s really not as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be, it’s not like it’s even the first time I’ve been stabbed” with a look at the way Sirius’ hands freeze their movements she adds “Relax, I’m kidding” she takes her own wand and tends to healing herself, even if she’s never been too good at it, Remus does as well.
They work in silence, Sirius through a clenched jaw and Remus through trembling hands. The bleeding stops “qhawaspa, aswan alto rikuy” she makes a complicated wand movement the other two have never seen before and closes her eyes. She takes Regulus’ ready, waiting hand and guides it north. He casts the healing spell and his hand still. She grabs it again and guides it east, he casts again. They do that until she seats up and declares herself perfect “alright, get up”
“What?”
“Are you gonna make me cut him again?” she raises a brow at Sirius
“Are you fucking kidding me?! You’re still on with that fighting shit?!” Sirius explodes and Ursa blinks “No. We’re leaving. Stay the fuck away from us!” he slams the door shut behind him and Remus. Regulus sighs.
“You’re so exhausting sometimes” he admits quietly and she offers him a gentle smile
“I know.”
In their room, Moony heals Sirius’ cut with a tear running down his cheek “Thanks Moons, I’m alright” he tries to wipe the tear away but Remus takes a step back. Then another. And another.
“I need to be alone” he manages but Sirius follows anyway. Remus yells at him. Sirius yells back. The door slams shut, boxing them apart.
'Cause saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts
Flashbacks waking me up
I get drunk, but it's not enough
'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby
I look through the windows of this love
Even though we boarded them up
Chandelier still flickering here
'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not
It's death by a thousand cuts
Moony refuses to let Sirius comfort him the morning after, when he’s sore and scratched after a bad moon. He always lets Sirius climb into his hospital bed, even before they got together, it’s the only way Sirius can stay calm after a full. Not this time. It reminds Sirius of those dreadful months after the worst mistake he’s ever done “Moonshine come on, please let me stay, we can just cuddle, I won’t even talk if you don’t want to” that’s a huge offer coming from Sirius, but Remus turns round on the bed, tugging on his bandages and gives him his back. Sirius sighs and kisses the top of his head “Alright, I’ll come check on you after class”
“Don’t bother” Remus mutters
“Moony,” Sirius breathes out and the heartbreak is audible in his voice
“Don’t.” Remus bites out in warning
“It wasn’t your fault!”
“I don’t want to talk about it” he snaps and that’s a clear end to the conversation. Sirius won’t have it, he pushes, he always pushes. He’s about to start cussing his sister like he’s already done plenty of times since yesterday, but Peter holds him back, when they get like this they go nowhere but down pain-lane. Things might be different now that they’re a couple but Peter isn’t in the mood to find out.
“We’ll try again after transfiguration,” and then as a whisper, he adds to Sirius “I’ll give you my personal chocolate stash” It takes everything in Sirius but he holds back.
“Fine.”
You said it was a great love
One for the ages
But if the story's over
Why am I still writing pages?
Peter sits next to Regulus in the library and reaches over to Ursa who’s writing on a leather diary, he pinches her, she kicks him under the table “you smudged the ink.”
“You hurt Remus”
“Funny. From where I was looking she was the one that got stabbed” Regulus huffs
“Well, yeah, that part’s true but—”
“Do you have a reason to come here or did you just miss my lovely face too much?” she tilts her head to the side and smiles at him with a face made of plastic, eyes vacant of feeling
“I want you to talk to him. Right now he and Sirius are fighting and it’s entirely your fault”
“Okay” she leans back on her chair and picks her quill back up, she goes back to writing
“You’re gonna do it?”
“If it gets you to leave faster then sure” she doesn’t look up from her book. He rolls his eyes and stalks away
“Are you really gonna talk to Remus?” Regulus asks with a silencing shield around them
“Why would I?”
“Because it was sort of your fault”
“Why do I keep getting blamed for other people’s actions? People have their own free will, you know? It’s not like I wanted to get stabbed. I joke about it but –it might surprise you– I don't actually enjoy physical pain, it is quite a discomfort.” Regulus makes a small huffing sound and she goes on “I instigated him, yes, I am responsible for that, but I didn’t make him stab me. I didn’t even tell him to do that, that was all his own brilliant idea. People are responsible for their own actions, Lupin seems smart enough to understand that, unlike the rest of you”
“So you don’t feel even a little bit responsible that our brother’s all mopey and unhappy?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that I don’t care that he’s mopey and unhappy”
“I don’t believe you” he calls her bluff
“Okay.”
“Ursa—”
“What’s cookin’ good lookin’?” James scoots over next to Regulus and the corners of the sappy git’s lips titter up
“She’s being stubborn as always. Ursa, why can’t you just admit somewhere down deep in your icy little heart you feel a tiny little bit bad about what you did to Sirius?”
“Yeah, I had an hour to kill so I was doing some laps around the quidditch field, listening to one of the books Dearborn recommended— Remus showed me this spell that makes this voice in your head read it to you while you do other things—”
“Get to the point” she cuts him off, seriously debating whether she should just put up a silencing spell instead, does she really care about what they have to say?
“Is it because we went behind your back? We hurt your feelings so feel the need to hurt ours? Or did something else happen?”
“You know, James, you’ve been reading an awful lot of those books Cardaroc recommended”
“I have” he preens and she tucks her smirk away behind a brush of her hand. Regulus narrows his eyes on her
“Didn’t any of those mention that a direct approach isn’t always best? Especially not when you’re trying to get someone to open up and be emotionally vulnerable with you. You might trigger their fight or flight response and that’s not what you want, you don’t want them to get defensive or feel like your attacking or exposing them or –worse– see them as a charity case”
“No, of course not”
“Right. Most people would try a more subtle approach”
“Right.” James nods “Like what?”
“Like making yourself vulnerable first” Regulus shoots her a warning look but she ignores it
“Right, vulnerable, yes, ask me whatever you want, I’m an open book” he opens his arms out ready to declare his undying devotion to her brother, or even his parents, he knows teenagers are meant to feel ashamed about that even if he doesn’t. Probably so much exposure to shitty parents made him so appreciative of the ones he has
“Well, you wanna know if what they did hurt me, so, tell me something they did that hurt you”
“What?” he stutters, that’s not what he was expecting “they didn’t— they don’t—”
“You live together. Even healthy, functional people hurt each other all the time— even if they don’t mean to”
“Ursa” Regulus warns. He’s had this same topic of conversation with James more than a few times, he puts too much pressure on himself to be the stable, happy one and lift his friends up, like not having a traumatic childhood somehow means he isn’t allowed to hurt, at least not as much as his friends
“Come on, did they borrow your underwear and it made you feel uncomfortable? Did they tell you to fuck off and hurt your feelings? Did they lose your pencil and you had to buy a new one?”
“Ursa, stop it, you’re—”
“They forgot my birthday” he whispers and Regulus turns to him like a whip, his words instantly die in his lips “the whole Snape thing had just happened and— they didn’t really forget, it just took them a few minutes to remember. It’s silly and I can't be mad at that, but— yeah, it hurt a bit when I woke up all excited and everyone was tensely quiet” he admits and Regulus kisses his hand “was it like that for you?”
“Not really” Ursa tells him "but didn't that make you feel better?"
"Not really"
"Oh well," she shrugs with a dismissive tone "I don't actually care"
"She intellectualizes her feelings" Regulus whispers to James and Ursa kicks him under the table without looking up as she dips her quill on the ink
"What's that?" James frowns, he hasn't read that in his psychology books yet.
“I thought you said you’d leave me alone” Ursa reminds him
“Yes, I meant that”
“Yet you’re here”
“Yeah, sorry, saw him looking all cute and I couldn’t resist myself from saying hello”
“I’m not cute ” Regulus whines with a tone that lets her know they’ve had this talk before
“You are,” James insists “cute and insurmountably sexy”
“Aw, aren’t you two adorable?” She smiles at them then abruptly drops it “go be adorable somewhere else”
“Someone’s cranky” James singsongs as he scoots his chair back and Ursa holds up her middle finger. He chuckles as he drags Regulus away by the waist “Have I ever told you how much I like your waist?”
“That’s not what you called it last time” Ursa puts a silencing spell up before she’s forced to find out what James calls her brother’s waist.
My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust
Trying to find a part of me you didn't take up
Gave you too much but it wasn't enough
But I'll be all right, it's just a thousand cuts
“Hey Moons, how’re you feeling?” James sits on the edge of Remus’ bed. Madam Pomfrey wanted to keep him overnight but he refused, she agreed so long as he promised to stay in bed and not go to class. He’s got the covers pulled past his head in full brooding performance worthy of a Sirius Black award.
“Better than I deserve” he grumbles and then curses himself for being so honest, he really is too tired to lie
“Moons…” he wants to tell him he deserves the world but knows it won’t be well received. He tries something different, a more subtle approach if you will. Remus doesn’t need to know where he got that idea from “Regulus says I never talk about my problems”
“Is this your way of saying I should talk about your problems instead of mine?”
“No? Sort of? Maybe? Also, no?” he scrunches his face up, he’s not even making sense to himself. He rubs the haze off his head “It’s been told to me a small break from one's problems might be welcomed. So, onto mine, do you think he’s right?”
“About the break from one's problems or about you never talking about your own?” his tone is harsh but when he catches a glimpse of James’ face –that looks like a kicked puppy– he sighs, the answer is the same for both. He sits up on the bed with his back against the headboard, moving hurts but he doesn’t complain “Remember the end of last year, when you were freaking out about Regulus going back to that house?”
“Don’t remind me” James rubs his temple
“Right.”
“But I did talk with you and Pete about it”
“About what might happen to Regulus, not really about… You didn’t tell Sirius,” Remus opts to go with instead
“Of course not, I didn’t want to pour salt in the wound, Regulus is his brother and he—”
“Look, even your psychology books said it themselves, I’m shit at the whole emotion bullshit, okay? Why don’t you talk to Sirius about this? Even with the whole Regulus thing we could tell Sirius is the one you wanted to talk to anyways”
“Aw, Moons, are you jealous?” he wiggles his eyebrows at him
“Terribly, but then Regulus’ is gonna need someone to comfort him when you two elope and—”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence” James glares at him and Remus laughs for the first time in what feels like forever, even if it’s only been one day.
It’s then that Sirius walks in and smiles at the sight of Remus' smile.
“Hey Moonshine, how’re you feeling?”
“Not in the mood Sirius, just go” every single person in that room knows Remus will hate himself for treating him like that, he already does, but that doesn’t stop him.
“No. I did that last night and I clearly shouldn’t have because Moony was in a horrible mood”
“He’s always in a horrible mood, he’s a monster!”
“No, he’s not!” Sirius growls back
“Why don’t we all calm down?” James does his best but no one’s ever been able to stop Sirius and Remus when they start going at it
“You fell into her web, big deal!” Sirius spits out “we all do! Stop beating yourself up, you did exactly what she said, the same way we all always end up doing!”
“Sirius won’t you listen to yourself?!” Remus shoots back and James grimaces, should he leave? He knows he can’t stop them but he’s genuinely at a loss, might his presence help or do the opposite? This is why he does nothing as Moony yells
“You’re defending me, Sirius! I’m not some helpless victim, I don’t care what she did, Istabbed her! Can’t you see that?! I stabbed your sister and you’re justifying it! You’re justifying me! You shouldn’t even be able to look at me! I stabbed your sister!”
“And I tortured her! Don’t you think I understand?!” his voice cracks and he breaks “she’s my little sister and I used the cruciatus on her and you said I wasn’t a monster but you were lying, weren’t you?! You lied! You lied the way everyone always does!”
“Sirius,” Remus forgets his anger and his self hatred and he takes Sirius’ face in his hands, he cruddles him close “you're not a monster”
“I am” he tries to shake him off but Remus won’t let him
“No, you’re not. Sweetheart look at me, look at me sweetheart” it’s a struggle but Sirius finally dares look at him. Remus stares directly into those gray eyes that pull his universe into stasis “You are not a monster Sirius Black”
“And you’re not a monster Remus Lupin” he whispers back, a breath apart
“Aw, you two are adorable” they blink and turn their eyes to James, suddenly remembering the brown skinned boy is there too and they aren’t alone “Shit, I just ruined a lovely moment, didn’t I?” he cringes and the other two smile
“There’ll be others,” Sirius assures him, he peers up at Remus hesitantly “right?” Remus links their hands together in response and Sirius smiles up at him. Sirius reaches to kiss his jaw and Remus catches it with his own lips
“I’ll let you two talk, you should talk, I’ll let you two alone to do the talking, I’ll let Kingsley and Peter not to interrupt your talking, I’ll let them know you’re talk—”
“Yes James, we’ll talk” Remus huffs with a fond roll of his eyes. James leaves with a beam and a blown kiss
“Can we cuddle while we talk?”
“Not looking at your face might actually make this easier” Remus sighs, relationships are so much effort. If Sirius wasn’t so wonderful and worth it, he wouldn’t do it. He slips into bed and holds Sirius close to his chest
“I’ve missed you”
“It hasn’t even been a day” he tuts and Sirius shrinks down into himself “I missed you too” he says with a roll of his eyes
“Well don’t say it like that, say it like you mean it”
“Wanna know what the worst part is?” Remus admits with a smile tugging at the corner of his lips “It’s true”
“Really?” Sirius looks up at him with the loveliest smile that’s ever been crafted and Remus gets the privilege to kiss it
“Really” what are privileges for if you don’t use them?
They don’t kiss for long, there’s still a nagging voice in the back of their minds telling them to talk. For a second Remus wonders if that’s a new spell James learnt but with a sigh he resolves their friend is right. They talk. And then they talk some more. They sprinkle some kissing in between and back to talking. It’s exhausting. It’s comforting. It’s… needed.
They’re both a bit down and unenthusiastic for most of the next week but they mope together. Sometimes Padfoot will just curl up on top of Remus and rest his snout on Moony’s chest as he runs his fingers through his thick fur, sometimes doing nothing, sometimes reading, every so often tilting down and kissing the top of his furry head.
I dress to kill my time
I take the long way home
I ask the traffic lights if it'll be all right
They say, "I don't know"
And what once was ours is no one's now
I see you everywhere
The only thing we share
Is this small town