Remus' Extracurricular Activities
After Peter’s clothes comes his face. Ursa clears away Peter’s pimples, smooths out his pores, whitens his teeth, sculpts and sharpens his face, dyes his lips a pinker shade (a month long permanent lip-tint spell), and fixes his posture. She lengthens and curls his eyelashes, the frames to his icy blue eyes that never looked cooler. He has a nice-looking tan from the summer and she makes sure the color stays as she brightens his skin into radiance so it looks like he’s glowing.
Regulus tidies up his eyebrows and fixes his hair into a longer length which they find comes out as beachy waves instead of the flat straightness they anticipated with hair-products in hand. He uses the product to accentuate the waves a bit more and correct it into perfection. Ursa likes his natural dirty-blond shade but Regulus insists on gently lightening the tips and Sirius seconds him. It’s a gentle and smooth blonde, one that could’ve been caused by the sun.
It’s a long, strenuous, slightly traumatizing process for Peter that the Blacks seem to thoroughly enjoy, almost like they forget he isn't a doll.
“Pete, mate, you look brilliant!” James pats him on the back “A little too brilliant, I think I’m a bit attracted to you now” his face crushes into one of genuine distress and Regulus raises his eyebrows at him and James' face turns into distressed panic “not as much as you, love” he fastens his arms around his boyfriend like a belt and pecks his cheek
“I’m messing with you,” Regulus’ lips twitches with a smile as he sinks into James’ chest “you do look great though” he nods to Peter who doesn’t know how to hide his blush, so he just stares at his feet
“A real stunner,” Sirius hooks his arm around Peter’s neck “Don’t you think, Moonshine?” Remus looks up from the book he’s reading in his bed
“Smash” he says with a glance before he goes back to his book
“What?!” Sirius squeals and Peter takes that as his cue to leave.
He soon regrets this. People in the common room aren’t sly in the least about noticing his new style “Why is everyone staring at you?” he asks James who beams at him
“They aren’t staring at him, they’re staring at you” Ursa winks as she slides away and for the first time since they got to school, the prying eyes don’t follow her, they stay glued on him. Regulus goes with her.
Over a dozen gazes burn into him and he wonders how Sirius can handle being gawked at all the time. Then he remembers Sirius is an attention-whore and the fog clears.
“What do you say we show the rest of the school your hot new look?” James pats his shoulder
“Actually, I wouldn’t mind flying” he could use a little less stares and an energy release. James’ face lights up as it always does at the idea of flying
“Lead the way” James gestures for him and checks Peter’s arse as he goes through the common room, James Potter isn’t acquainted with the word subtlety
“Were you just checking out my arse?” he frowns at him
“Maybe” James smiles at him without a speck of shame “You have a great arse”
“Thank you?”
“You’re welcome, I saw Ursa checking it out when you were walking out of the dorm”
“She said I had a cute bum” he tells him
“I thought you said she agreed not to flirt with you anymore” he holds the portrait open for Peter to walk through first before closing it behind him
“She said she was just stating a fact”
“She’s right about that” he tilts his head to the side as he contemplates his best friend’s rear
“James! Stop staring at my arse!”
“Peter!” Lily squeals so high from the top of the stairs his eardrums near shattering
“What the hell happened to you?!” Mary grabs his shoulder and turns him this way and that. His whole being turns red and his face burns so hot he think he might boil and he has nowhere to hide
“Uh…”
“The Blacks got you too?” Marlene smiles at him warmly and he’s never been so grateful for her existence
“Yeah”
“If it makes you feel better it’s only our second day and people aren’t gawking at my new look anymore. Except for Meadowes” she adds bitterly
“That actually helps a lot” he chuckles, an uneasy knot untangles in the pit of his stomach “we’re on our way to play some Quidditch, wanna join us?” Mary gives Marlene a look she seems to miss
“Sure” she grins at him
“Actually,” Mary bites down on a smile “Lily and I were looking for James, we need him for something, you two run along”
“But I want to play—” her hand muffles James' complaints and she waves them off. She waits for them to disappear before turning around to face James, she slaps his arm
“Ouch, what’s that for?”
“For being a clueless idiot!” she tells him with another slap
“Stop beating the poor boy, it’s not his fault he’s oblivious. James, just let Peter, a boy, go flying with Marlene, a girl, alone”
“Huh?”
“They like each other” Mary smacks him a third time
“Stop hitting me! And they can’t like each other”
“Why not?” both girls stare at him and he blanks, he can’t exactly tell them he’s about to fake a relationship with Ursa, but what if he really likes Marlene and she likes him? Peter deserves to be happy
“I gotta go” he takes off running back into his room as the two girls call after him. He finds Sirius and Remus have gone from bickering to talking in hushed voices despite being alone, painting the intimate. James crushes into it, consistent in his obliviousness “we may have a problem”
“And what would that be?”
“Do Peter and Marlene like each other?”
“I don’t think so?” Sirius offers
“I never paid much attention to be quite honest” Remus shrugs
“Mary and Lily say they do but Peter is supposed to date your sister so the evil bald man and your parents don’t obliterate us all and—”
“James, breathe” Remus hands him a piece of chocolate, a true testament to James' anxiety. He takes it gratefully and devours it in one bite “How about we ask Pete if he likes her before we freak out?”
"Do you think we could get Marlene expelled?"
“We want Pete to be happy” James reminds him
“And I want my litter sister safe or at least, you know, alive. It’s not like they’re in love already, we're not really taking anything away from him”
“Right, I forgot who I was talking to” Remus huffs a sigh, he knows he should probably talk them down from their insanity, but keeping them in the room only theorizing insane plans and not acting on them is more than enough of a big feat.
He isn’t expecting for the door to thrust open again and for Regulus Black to come crashing in almost two hours later “Why did Parkinson tell Pandora that he heard from Lockheart that McLaren told him that he overheard Alice telling Longbottom that Mary told her that Peter and Marlene are dating?” he puts his hands on his hips, the others blink at him
“Huh?”
“Are Peter and Marlene dating?!”
“Marlene and Peter are dating already?!”
“Already?” Regulus’ furrow deepens “James, what the hell is going on?”
“No time to explain” Sirius jumps into action “We need to find Ursa before she finds out and commits an unspeakable crime!”
They get her back to their dorm surprisingly easy. Sirius is the one to break the news to her “Peter might be dating Marlene” he dives behind Regulus
“Coward” Regulus shakes him off but Ursa doesn’t react, she remains entirely unresponsive
“Did you hear what he said?”
“I said PETER AND MARLENE ARE DATING EACH OTHER!” she covers her ears at his screams but other than that she simply blinks
“So?”
“So. SO?! Is that all?! So?!” Sirius bursts out, is this the reaction he’s been dreading?! Has he been afraid for nothing? Not that he was afraid of her. Of course not “Are you secretly planning a murder inside your head?”
“Sirius, you do realize I don’t actually care, right? I’m not actually gonna date him. It’s just for appearances”
“The entire school knows already” Regulus grimaces
Ursa’s reaction is a simple sarcastic “That’s great”
“To be fair though, we don’t actually know whether they’re actually dating or not” Remus reminds them
“It’s fine. Anything else?”
“No?”
“Great. Thank you for wasting my time” she turns on her heels and walks out the door “Speaking of the Devil” she leans against the doorframe and smiles at Peter coming up the stairs. The other four peek around her
“You were looking for me?”
“No, but we need to talk Romeo”
“Sounds like someone’s in trouble” one of the Prewett twins guffaws on his way down the stairs “I see the whole gang's here,” he glances at the others standing behind Ursa “it’s good to see you, Slytherins included”
“Well hello there” Gideon eyes them, one longer than the rest. Remus’ gaze flickers to the ground, a light flush on his cheeks
“Oh, I take back what I said, I’m so glad I came here” Ursa beams, absolutely delighted by the new information with a wicked glint in her stormy gray eyes. Regulus turns to her with a frown. She meets his eye and smirks. His eyes widen and his frown deepens into a scowl. She tilts his head and his scowl caves into an open jaw. He glares at Remus but Ursa raises her brows at him again and he walks away and past Peter on the stairs.
“What just happened?” James frowns from Regulus to Ursa
“They do that sometimes. Fucking twins” Sirius grumbles and Ursa smirk goes from Gideon to Fabian with a furrowed brow
“You’re not really our type Black, sorry” Gideon winks at him and Ursa smirks at the redhead with a mischievous glint in her eye, one none of them are thrilled about
“No!” Peter gasps “Oh, fuck me. This is bad.”
“What?!” Sirius cries in exasperation
“Uh… Nothing?” Peter mumbles in a definite something way “I’ll go see if Regulus needs any help with, uhm, bye”
“What just happened?” James frowns in confusion
“He just made my day” Ursa bops the red headed twin’s nose "I'm gonna go to bed before one of you ruins it" she turns away and wanders down the stairs with a genuine (if only maybe a little wicked) smile on her face.
Peter stops Regulus before he exits the common room “Quick question,” Peter asks Regulus “was she implying that Remus slept with Gideon and Fabian or did I just misinterpret that whole situation and I’m just freaking out over nothing?”
“Just Gideon. Lupin’s gonna have to answer me a few questions” Regulus grumples and Peter takes that as a dreadful yes.
“Great.”
“I’m guessing my brother doesn’t know, since you didn’t”
“Definitely not. But, I know you’ll hate me for saying this, Remus didn’t do anything wrong, he’s allowed to do whatever he wants” Regulus’ glares agrees with the first segment of that sentence "he can fuck whoever he wants"
“Why are you talking to me?”
“I thought James said you weren’t an asshole”
“I am. I’m an asshole to James all the time”
“I’m sure he’s a big fan of your asshole, but me, not so much”
"You're not funny."
"There goes my entire personality" he sighs and Regulus stares at him with judgmental disgust
"I understand why you're such good friends with my brother"
"I do what I can" he tips his imaginary cowboy hat
"That wasn't a compliment" before Peter can respond Marlene sprints up to them
“What’s going on?” she gushes, lusting for gossip
“Regulus thinks I’m very funny” Peter informs her and Regulus glares at him
“Please go away”
“Okay” Marlene wonders off
“Reg, love, I thought we agreed you’d be nicer to my friends” James swoops in and wraps his arms around his waist, placing a kiss on his temple
“I was. I said please” he says and James chuckles. He buries his face in the crook of his neck and peppers him with kisses
“How did you two get together anyways?” Lily pops up out of nowhere
“I yelled at him” James admits with a pout
“Romantic” Marlene giggles and Regulus cuts her a look
“Don’t tell Ursa”
“Yeah, she’ll kill James. Or something worse than death that I’m honestly a bit scared to think of” Peter shivers
“She won’t kill me, we’re friends now”
“Oh, love, you’re lucky you’re pretty”
“You think I’m pretty?” he beams down at Regulus who smiles past his eye roll
“And stupid. He just called you stupid, you do realize that, don’t you?”
“Mhm, isn’t he adorable?”
“Don’t waste your breath Evans, he’s past saving”
Remus, however, isn’t past saving. Yet.
When Remus' curtains open not deep into the night, he's expecting it to be Sirius. Maybe it's wishful thinking, maybe it's that it's happened before, maybe he’s dreamt it too many times before. Whatever it is, it’s wrong. It isn't Sirius but Peter's no longer puffy but still chubby face poking through the opening. There’s a phrase no one thought they’d hear again after his birth “Can I come in?”
“No” Remus groans, longing for sleep on such a vast amount that it nears outright lusting over it
“Alright.” Peter frowns, not knowing what to do with that answer “May I come in?”
“What do you want?” Remus sighs and rubs his hands through his face
“Is that a yes I can come in? Or we can go to the common room—”
“Just get in” Remus huffs
“Why so hostile?” he holds his palms up as he crawls in. Remus gives him a look and peter nods right to business then “Right” he shuts the curtains, he casts a silencing charm “I’ll be quick then, did you shag Gideon?”
“Did you shag Marlene?”
“Only in my dreams—You asked”
“Yes, and I regret that”
“Stop dodging the question” Peter smacks his chest and then sits back, they never do this, they’re not touchy people. Not with each other at least. Remus shuffles back and rests his back against the headrest.
“How did you know?” He sighs
“Oh, fuck me”
“Alright, if you’re offering”
“Wait really? I always thought I wasn’t your type”
“Do you want to be my type?” Remus frowns at him
“I don’t know,” he blushes and picks on a loose string on the duvet “It’s a nice thought, it's nice to feel wanted”
“Alright, I dig the new look” Remus shrugs “Do you want the whole sha-bang or just a quickie to experiment?”
“Wait, really? You’d do that for me? That’s so sweet, I don’t think I ever really thought about it before, would we cuddle afterwards? I like cuddling” Peter doesn’t think he should be judged for being curious, okay? Anybody would. And he’s seen Remus naked before. Not that he’s looked, but some things are just impossible not to notice
“If you want” Remus shrugs
“Wait, how many people have you been with?”
“A few”
“How many is a few?”
“I don’t know” he shrugs
“You don’t know?! Merlin Remus, I didn’t think the ‘Gryffindor’s casanova’ was a literal nickname. How did I not know this? I'm your friend, I should know this, does James know?” Remus just shrugs
“Why does it even matter? It never means anything”
“Tell that to Regulus. He isn’t too happy about it, just thought you could have a little heads up”
“Why would Regulus care that I hooked up with Gideon?”
“Because… Because. Bye” Peter dives back out of the curtains and shuts himself up in his bed. Remus sighs and rubs his hands through his face looking forwards to a long night of anxious overthinking!
At breakfast Peter is trying to fix his mistake. He isn’t very good at it “I shouldn’t have said anything, I just worried you for nothing and—”
“Pete, I told you, it’s fine. You’re fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. And I'm not worried”
“Why are we whispering?” Sirius leans into his side
“Look! There’s Regulus!” Peter squeals at the sight of who walks through the doors and knocks Remus' mug in the process. Remus thinks Peter should stop trying to help him. He appreciates the intent, but the execution only gets worse and worse each time
“Hi lover!” James beams at him waving him over. Regulus remains stoic as he walks over to them
“Hi” he leans in for a peck without his usual twitching smile from James’ mere proximity
"Have breakfast with us?" James pleads and not even then does the twitching smile pop up. He glares at Remus who is busy trying to fix himself up from the mess Peter made with cleaning spells before he turns back to James and shakes his head. James pouts and Regulus settles him with a quick kiss "Isn't he wonderful?" James swoons as he watches him head back to the Slytherin table without a word and join his sister.
"Terrific" Remus mutters under his breath
"Stop sulking" Ursa rolls her eyes at her twin.
"I'm not sulking" he pouts, a wrinkle deepens between his sulking brows
"Yes you are. You'll get wrinkles"
"Are you really okay with Lupin doing that to our brother?" He snaps at her but she rolls her eyes as she scoops butter into her knife
"Calm down, will you? he's allowed to have fun whoever he wants"
"If Sirius hears about this—"
"It'll break his heart? Just like he broke Lupin's?" she sets down her butterknife beside her toast and turns to her brother “look, at least he isn’t sexually frustrated, history knows what men do when they’re sexually frustrated” she bites into her toast and he yanks it off her hands “Hey!”
“This will hurt him. Don’t you care at all?”
“It might help him figure out why it hurts him” she snatches back her toast “Also, yeah, you're right, I don’t really care”
“Black” Snape sits down in front of them, his eyes narrow on Ursa and she rolls her eyes
“Salazar, I didn’t mean first thing in the morning, Severus. Can’t I just eat my breakfast, the one time I’m in the mood for buttered toast breakfast, in peace?” now it’s her that’s pouting.
************************
As if on cue a Black family owl comes soaring through. Their shoulders straighten back as if in unison, a reflex. The color leaves Regulus’ face but Ursa’s face remains level, unchanging. Regulus finds James’ eyes already on him and breathes in the comfort in them.
The owl, Ursa’s Gufo, wobbles her way through the air and falls between them. A howler. With her eyes on Gufo’s beautiful tawny feathers, she opens the howler and strokes his beak “Ursa Black, you’ve brought shame to the nobel house of Black. You are not your debauchery brothers, there’s still hope for you to renounce those ridiculous beliefs and depraved way of living. Remember your heritage. We are willing to hear your repentance. Consider the poison in your owl your penance.” Gufo struggles to keep its head up, it lets out dreadful, soul-sickening whimpers. There’s a loud thump and then it’s suddenly quiet. Ursa lets go of her butter knife, now wet with red, and looks back up to Snape with a blank face. Snape gawks at her with wild, wide eyes. She stares at him as she bites into her buttered toast while Gufo’s blood soaks the table and spills onto her robes.
“Everybody, return to your eating!” Mcgonagall’s voice roars above the frenzy of chatter. With a wave of her wand the blood is gone and with another the owl is in a tiny box. James is by Regulus’ side in an instant. He lets him hold him but his eyes, like everyone else’s are glued onto Ursa’s stoic frame as she finishes her toast. She stands up straight and walks away without urgency. Each step perfectly matches the one before it. Sirius chases after her, his shoes resound in the great hall.
“Ursa!”
“Don’t.” she warns before she slams the door to the dungeons. That doesn’t stop him. It does startle him though, and that delays him enough to be locked out and relying on Slytherin's good will.
In Sirius' defense, he manages to keep his cool for twenty whole minutes before he's knocking on Ursa's door and crashing in two minutes later "you can't listen to her! She almost killed you last time, are you really gonna go back and let them finish the job?!" He rages in but she doesn't even turn his way, she's too busy staring fixedly at her wand in front of her on the bed "you can't go back to them, do you hear me?!" She frowns at her wand, focused, but nothing happens "Ursa!" He shakes her, she lets him do it without taking her eyes off her wand
"You bossing me around has always worked so great for you"
"I'm not bossing you around, I'm asking you, begging. I want to have a real relationship with you, you're my little sister, and for the first time we're finally starting to have that, and I don't want that to go away. I don't want you to go away"
“Once again your perception of reality is obstructed by your own stupidity”
“Can you talk like a normal person?!”
“I told you to stop being delusional. What you want is never gonna happen.” he opens his mouth to protest but she cuts him off. "Get out" Sirius doesn't leave. Her eyes don't stray from the wand and it twitches on the bed “That wasn’t an invitation, it was a threat. Now get out”
“Ursa—”
“I said. Get. Out.” Sirius blinks at her and takes a step towards her “I won’t say it a third time.” she warns and the wand rattles on the bed.
"Okay" he walks to the door “I’m sorry about your owl, I know you loved him”
“Me too” her stoic face twitches with something sour that crumples her face for a second before it dissolves into nothingness.
“Call me if you change your mind. You're still my little sister no matter what you say” he shuts the door behind him. He runs straight into Amira "she wants to be alone" he warns her.
"Duh, she hates people" is her answer before sliding into their room and shutting the door and laying down on her own bed "Pro, your parents don't have any more leverage over you"
"Con," Ursa replies without looking up or a single emotion on her face "I killed Gufo"
"Pro, you spared him from an agonizing death"
"Con, he suffered agonizing pain until he died"
"Pro, his feathers were starting to look a bit crusty but he died while he was still beautiful"
The corner of her lip quirks up but then the smile is gone "con, he's dead"
"Pro, you're not"
“Con, my mother would lose her pawn if I were dead”
"Pro, you're great at chess. Pro, when a pawn makes it all the way across the board it turns into a queen" This time the crooked grin stays on her face "Did the wand move?" Amira asks softly after several minutes
"No" Ursa answers bitterly
"Good"
"It twitched though" she says proudly and Amira wrinkles her nose at her. She opens her top drawer and tosses her a pack of cigarettes.
“Is Ursa alright?” James rushes to Sirius when he walks through the door to their dorm
“Amira’s with her”
“That’s good,” Regulus nods and Sirius looks at him, he says it like he knows. It strikes Sirius that he probably does. Regulus definitely knows how to make his sister feel better but Sirius doesn’t even know who can do that
“Am I the only one who watched her butcher her own owl in cold blood with the bluntest of knives?” Peter questions from his bed
“It was suffering”
“Yeah, but she didn’t even blink! She just went right back to eating her toast like nothing happened!”
“She didn’t blink when Sirius tortured her either” Regulus is quick to jump in her defense and Sirius shrinks down on his spot, Regulus relishes in it, Sirius doesn’t deserve to go pretending like he cares about them “and besides, this is all your stupid rodent fault!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Do you really think it’s a coincidence that they remind her of what The Noble House of Black can do right after you, who she’s supposed to be seducing, goes on a date with another girl? Do you think it’s a fucking coincidence? Maybe she's right, you are an ensemble of baboons”
“Wait, what? A date? I didn’t go on a date”
“Well, maybe you didn't, but the entire school thinks you did”
“Wait, you’re saying this is my fault?”
“This whole thing is Wallburga Psycho Black’s fault.” Remus cuts them off with a glance to Sirius, he adds “no offense”
“None taken” Sirius says with a tiny voice