CheckMate
That college dropout music
Every day leg day, she be too thick
And my friends are all annoying
But we go dumb, yeah, we go stupid
This that 10K on the table just so we can be secluded
And the vodka came diluted
One more line, I'm superhuman
Bowie still hums in the background but it’s starting to become a chilly night and the grass under their bums is cold. Remus pulls out a cigarette to warm his bony arse up and hands Sirius another before he asks, he knows he will. Corny. Sirius lights them both up with a finger gun. Not as pathetically corny. Ursa supposes it might even be cool on someone else. Remus mouth runs dry, he had forgotten how hot it was every time he did that “Thank you” Ursa rips the cigarette off his lips and draws it to hers.
“Hey!” Sirius whines as James mutters something about those damn lung-killing machines, like she expected to live until she’s old and wrinkly. Remus hands Sirius his cigarette, he pulls out another and offers the pack to Regulus who holds out his hand to take them
“I’m not kissing you if you taste like those damn death sticks” James warns
“Eh… no thanks then” Regulus stammers and Remus snorts. Ursa whirls her wand and the sound of a whip slashes through the air. She'd been working on that one since her friend Amira started dating one of the Goyles. She had him wrapped, running laps around her little finger, not that it’d been hard, brains weren’t part of his goods, but his bulky bank account and willingness to be bossed around more than made up for it “I am not whipped!”
“You’re definitely his bitch” Sirius agrees
“You’re one to talk, Padfoot” Peter chuckles as Remus tosses Mary the cigarette pack and a black lighter
“And whose bitch would I be exactly?”
“A stray.” Remus rushes to say, Lily glances at him and her eyes flash with sympathy in return
“For now” Lily whispers so only he can hear her, he grants her a lopsided smile he doesn’t mean.
“Oh, please,” Ursa scoffs “you’re everyone’s bitch” she takes a long drag of the cigarette “Not your fault though, being queer and a bottom runs in our family”
“Somehow I find it hard to believe that you are a bottom” Peter doesn’t realize he said that out loud until she meets his eye, a smug smirk dancing all the way to her sparkling eyes
“Of course not,” she shoots him with complicit look “it’s eine Mutation auf dem y-Chromosom” It’s a mutation on the y-chromosome “might as well add being an idiot to that list actually”
“’Y-chromosom’” Lily frowns at her “You know about chromosomes?” she’d picked up on some muggle knowledge while perfecting her German talking to a german muggle-born at school but they didn’t need to know that. He happened to like this subject muggles called biology and in itself it’d been a boring topic but his voice grew brighter and his words free-er when he talked about it.
“I only mean it runs on the male side of the family.” she holds fingers up as she starts listing them off “Rodolph, definitely a bottom, he’s like a dog chasing Bella wherever she goes. Lucius, a bottom who’s ashamed to admit it and thinks he’s doing a good job of covering it up even though it’s clear from a thousand kilometers away. Uncle Alphard definitely takes it up his ass, probably can’t even sit down from his hemorrhoids. And uncle Cygnus was so far up his own ass he doesn’t even realized he so desperately wanted to be pegged”
“Oh, that is gonna leave permanent scars in my mind worse than the cruciatus curse” Sirius agrees with Regulus with a gagging sound.
“Well, in that case, I left papa out of it, he—”
“Don’t!” Sirius points his wand at her and she chuckles along with those who aren’t Blacks. In James defense, he’s only merrily smiling which is kind of his default setting so it doesn’t truly mean much
“And I thought Sirius had a dirty mind” Lily teases
“That’s ‘cause you haven’t heard Reg’s” James chimes in a low, husky voice and Regulus slaps his arm with a red face and neck, he hides his face in the crook of James' shoulder
“That’s not dirty. That’s messed up” Sirius tells them before he turns to James “and ew, James, that’s my baby brother”
“Who would’ve thought you were your family’s prude?” Mary teases and Sirius scowls at her
“Not to mention ugliest too” Ursa beams at her brother and pokes his cheek
“Reggie is the ugliest” Sirius slaps her hand away “and I’m so much hotter than you”
“It’s cute that you genuinely believe that” she bops his nose, talking to him like a silly little baby
“Reg is the hottest by far” James leans down and kisses his lips. James licks his lips and pulls him towards him. Regulus turns around and mounts onto his lap, straddling him between his legs.
“Reggie, I am your sister, please do not shag in front of me” Ursa tells him but his reply is drowned out by James' mouth. He cups his face and James pulls him on top of him without tearing their mouths apart for even a second “Regulus! Giuro su Dio che ti scaglierò addosso” I swear to God I’ll hurl on you
“Tu non credi in Dio” You don’t believe in God he mumbles into James’ lips
“Allora giuro sulla tua vita” Then I swear on your life
“non mi lasceresti morire” you wouldn't let me die Regulus tells her as James buries his hands into Reg’s soft and bouncy curls that he loves so overwhelmingly much
“sopravvaluti il mio affetto ma certo, lo giuro sulla vita di Jamie allora” you overestimate my affection but sure, I swear it on Jamie's life then
“Fuck you Ursa,” James grumbles when Regulus pulls away from him
“One Black isn’t enough Jamie? Reggie, do you need some pointers to please your man?” Ursa smirks at her brother who flips her off
“I was enjoying myself” James pouts
“We weren’t” Sirius informs him
“Oh, you two are a we now?” James smirks at them. It’s an awful look on his face
Ursa and Sirius wrinkle their noses in disgust in the exact same way at the exact same time and Ursa says “Ew” as Sirius says “no” and James tilts his head back in a chuckle
“And I’ll let you know I keep my man quite happy”
“Please end me now” Sirius covers his ears
“And don’t call him your man” she stares at him with utter disgust, nearing a gag.
“We should take a vote” Mary declares
“On whether we should witness live porn?” Ursa frowns at her “Change the actors and I’m on board”
“I meant on who the hottest sibling is!” Mary squeals in delighted giggles, probably the product of alcohol that makes her forget her distaste of Ursa
“Damn,” Marlene chuckles “Mary you’ve finally found someone whose mind is filthier than yours” Ursa smirks at her and winks, Marlene blushes down her whole neck and stares fixated down at her hands
“I know, I love her” Mary beams and Ursa blows her a kiss “We need some paper so we can vote anonymously”
“I’ll go get it” Marlene shoots to his feet
“Accio paper, Accio quill” a patchment flies to one of Ursa’s hands and a self-inking quill to the other
“Did you just do that wandless?” Lily gapes at her
“We’re not supposed to use our wands outside of school” she shrugs it off even though it’s one of her favorite tricks to show off and she'd used her wand five minutes ago
“How did you learn how to do it?” Lily has the sparkle of education flashing on her eyes
“Better you don’t know, knowing these two idiots, they’ll probably try it” Regulus replies for her, pointing at Sirius and James. Ursa rolls her eyes at him.
“Now I’m curious” Mary states as they pass around the parchment and quill writing down their votes.
“Me too” Peter chimes “How did you do it?”
“Yeah, now you gotta tell us” James scoots forwards. Ursa looks at Regulus and then smirks at James
“Determination and consistency” she simply shrugs
“That’s it?”
“What can I say? I’m tenacious”
“Stubborn’s more like it” Sirius mutters
“That’s underwhelming” Mary pouts as Regulus grins at Ursa
“Right. Back to business” James gathers up all the votes and clears his voice as he pulls out the first paper “Oh, this one’s mine,” to no one’s surprise he reveals it says “Regulus Arcturus Black, a.k.a. future Regulus Potter”
“Chorrea grasa” he drips corniness Ursa retches and Regulus glares at her “No me mires así, es verdad y lo sabes” Don’t look at me like that, it’s true and you know it
“Where’d his middle name go?” Peter pops popcorn into his mouth he got from the kitchen
“You’re right Pete!” he snatches the quill back up corrects it to “future Regulus Arcturus Potter” he hums and stares at Regulus with heart eyes who returns the look
“Je n'arrive pas à croire que vous soyez tous les deux tombés amoureux de lui. Ça me rend un peu gêné d'être lié à toi" I can't believe the both of you fell in love with him. It makes me kind of embarrassed to be related to you
“And here we always thought it’d be Sirius Potter” Marlene teases
“Oh, he’s already a Potter” James brushes it off
“Ew, that would make Reggie your brother” Ursa gags, everyone chuckles at James and Regulus’ disgusted faces "On dirait que notre famille ne peut pas échapper à l'inceste” looks like our family can't escape the incest “Maman ne serait-elle pas fière ?” Wouldn’t mummy be proud? she pouts at him. Reggie fips her off and throws an empty plastic cup at her while she laughs
“MOVING ON” James calls as he takes another paper out “Regulus” he reads “I agree Moony, he’s stunning, isn’t he?”
“You voted for him?!” Sirius gasps and glares at Lupin like he’s personally offended because he obviously is. Ursa wishes she had popcorn. She steals a fistful of Peter's
“I thought it was supposed to be anonymous” he coughs staring down at the hole on his shoe, turning red from head to toe
“Oops,” James grimaces. Oh, Ursa is so thankful for his empty, koala brain “Sorry Moons”
“They have been getting along quite nicely lately” Peter chimes, Sirius and Lupin glare at him at the same time. Oh, Sirius, the poor idiot is fuming, practically foaming at the mouth. This is brilliant. Peter bites down on his smirk of amusement but Ursa lets hers shine through brightly
“Oh, this is better than if he’d voted for me” Ursa coos
“Well, keep your hands to yourself, my brothers are dating each other” Sirius growls at Lupin
“Ugh, Sirius, did you have to say it like that?” Regulus cringes and Ursa beams at him
“Maybe we should ask him” she smirks at her brother “por favor tirale onda así el pelotudo de nuestro hermano se da cuenta de las ganas tremendas que le tiene” Please flirt with him so our dumb-arse brother realizes how immensely much he wants him
“Right about now I’m really certain I voted correctly” Mary mumbles “that was hot” Ursa winks at her and Sirius glares
“You voted for her?!” Ursa ignores her whiny older brother and turns to her twin hoping he’ll give Sirius a reason to off himself
“Tell us, Reggie, should Lupin keep his hands to himself?” She leans back using Peter as a prop to keep her up. He doesn’t mind it, merely remains as still as possible not to disturb her peaceful seating. Almost like she’s anyone else and not the devil’s evil spawn. At least she isn't behaving like Satan's heir at the moment “We’re all ears Reggie” Regulus bites his lip and looks away from James' kind, loving brown eyes.
“We can share” he mumbles to the ground and everyone erupts in laughter, James included, all but Sirius who glowers instead
“Maybe you should watch your back Jamie… or not” Peter jabs her on the ribs and she rolls her eyes “that wasn’t mean”
“No, but why are you leaving me out of the action?” Peter cocks a brow with mischief glittering in his blue eyes instead of the scolding she expected after her promise of kindness “If there’s a marauders party happening, I want to at least be invited”
“it’s not a marauder party if I’m not part of it” Sirius scowls
“Ew, Siri, you wanna have an orgy with your little baby brother?”
“And his adoptive brother” Peter reminds her and she clinks her bottle with his
“And you dare call me the messed up one” Ursa sighs, relishing in the wrinkle that deepens between Sirius’ brows
“That’s not what I—”
“I thought we all agreed there was already enough incest in our family” Regulus reminds Sirius who throws himself at him with brotherly fists
“Sure, straddling your brother definitely proves none of that is true, you’re not into incest at all, why don’t you roll around in the grass with your brother some more?” Ursa mutters and they all giggle
“Eat shit Ursa!” he shoves her but sits back down. Ursa rolls her eyes and takes a paper from the votes
“Hm,” she narrows her eyes on the paper “I’m gonna go with Lily” she shows her the paper and the redhead nods
“Yeah, that’s my handwriting, I voted for Regulus”
“Sembra che quello nella tua relazione che deve preoccuparsi che Giglio rubi il suo ragazzo non sei tu” It seems that the one in your relationship who has to worry about Lily stealing his boyfriend isn't you. She smirks at her twin with a wink
“You’re so not funny” he glares at her
“Wasn’t trying to be” she beams at him, his discomfort is her reward
“It's not fair when you do that, what did you say?” James looks at her with his always friendly smile. She wishes he stared at her with the same rage he did at the beginning of last year. She misses it.
“That he’s quite the beau”
“No, you didn’t, you said something about worrying about a boyfriend”
“J'ai dit qu'il était plutôt charmeur, contrairement à toi qui allait mourir sans relation et seul” I said that he was quite the charmer, unlike you who were gonna die with no relationship and alone
“connerie. je sais que ce n'est pas ce que tu as dit.” Bullshit, I know that’s not what you said. She simply grins at him like she didn’t just tell him he was unlovable “tu as promis que tu te comporterais bien!” You promised you’d behave!
“Et tu m'as cru ?” And you believed me? she cocks a brow at him “Outre, je me comporte. Vos amis idiots n'ont absolument aucune idée de ce que je dis. Je pourrais te dire que je t'aime pour tout ce qu'ils savent” Besides,I am behaving. Your dim-witted friends have absolutely no idea what I'm saying. I could be telling you that I love you for all they know
“Did you just tell him that he’s an idiot and you love him?” Lily frowns and Ursa smirks smugly at her brother. Things are finally starting to pick up just when she thought she wouldn’t be having any fun tonight
“Arrête ça. Vous deux” Stop it. Both of you. Regulus hisses before either of them can get a word out. Ursa rolls her eyes at him and pulls out another paper
“Congratulations, looks like you’re in the running to being the hottest Black sibling, though try not to be too sad when Reggie beats you”
“At least I got a vote, unlike you”
“Are you implying getting the least votes means I'd be the ugliest Black?”
“Definitely” he nods and a slow smirk spreads through her face
“Good. Congratulations on being the ugliest sibling then, ‘cause the other two votes are for me”
“You walked right into that one” Mary giggles
“She’s lying, she can’t know what they say, we haven’t read them yet!” Sirius jumps off his seat and sure enough, when he opens them two cursive Ursas glare back at him while the real one smirks “You cheated!”
“I saw the movement of the pen when they wrote dum-ass” which she learnt nothing from, she definitely took a little peek, but that doesn’t sound nowhere near as cool “and chill, mon frère, nobody likes a sour-loser. Isn’t that right, Lupin?” she winks at Remus who retains his ever stoic composure. But of course, he’s not the one who’s meant to put on the show for her. Sirius’ scowl deepens and Ursa plans to make his words rise to the match but James interrupts her
“Why don’t we play something else?”
“Ooh, I know,” Mary scoots forwards on the ground “James: fuck, marry, kill; Mcgonagall, Dumbledore and…”
“Flitwick?” Lily suggests
“Can Dumbledore even have sex?” James wonders “Wouldn’t he like, have a heart attack or something? He’s like… ancient”
“Are you saying otherwise you’d like to fuck him or that you’d like to fuck him so hard he dies?”
“What? No, I—”
“Don’t be shy James, we’re not judging” Remus nudges
“Speak for yourself” Regulus corrects him
“I bet his balls are wrinkly” Mary shivers at the thought
“I don’t want to fuck Dumbledore’s ancient, wrinkly balls!” James belts and they all crack up in laughter
“Alright then, instead of Dumbledore… Grindelwald”
“Just as ancient”
“He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?”
“Well I’d obviously kill him, I don’t know about the rest though"
“Wouldn’t you like to hop on Flitwicks wand? I hear he’s charming in bed” Peter laughs way too hard at his own joke “Oh, but Minnie is feral, a real animal”
“I think I’d rather marry Minnie”
“So you’re okay with fucking wrinkly balls so long as they’re not ancient?” Ursa cocks a brow at him
“I guess,” The idiot beams at her “what about you?”
“Easy:” Ursa replies “marry Flitwick—or Dumbledore, kill McGonagall and fuck Voldie-lockless” everyone freezes at that, even Regulus.
“You wouldn’t… kill… him?” Lily gapes at her
“I’m not saying I wouldn’t kill him, I’m just saying I’d like to know if he can get it up” there’s an eerie quiet, utter silence until Remus says:
“Actually, an erectile dysfunction would explain a lot” Mary busts out laughing and the others follow.
“All I’m saying is, his eyes are like this hollow, soul-less pit, there’s like nothing there. I’d like to see those eyes cum”
“Shut up!” Regulus snaps at her, squeezing his eyes shut at the memory and everyone falls silent, James holds him against his chest
“Jesus fucking Christ” Lily covers her ears and shuts her eyes like she can obliviate her words
“I’m sorry Lillian, would you rather see McGonagall’s? Is that some sort of nerdy, over-achiever kink of yours?”
“You’re really fucked up, huh?” Mary is never one to beat around the bush
“Yeah, and you should see how I fuck” her smirk runs her up and down, her bottom lip between her lips. Mary giggles and Lily’s red flush turns a deep shade of green beside her.
“Ew!” Sirius throws an empty cup at her “Don’t say shit like that around me”
“Prude” she kicks the cup back
“I’m not a prude!” he tosses is back in outrage
“Just because you take it up the arse doesn’t mean you’re not a prude”
“I don’t take it up the arse!”
“No, but you so desperately want to” she hums with a glance at Remus
“I’ll smother you in your sleep” he mutters
“A coward’s way of murder?”
“I’ll smother you in your wake then” he retorts and they sound so ordinarily like siblings that James can’t hide his beam
“I’d rather drown'' alright, it sounds like ordinary bickering between siblings who are a bit severely messed up on the head but hey, that’s a start.
“You don’t get to decide how I murder you!”
“Why not? See what I mean when I say you’re a horrible brother?”
“Sirius, shut up” Regulus massages his temples
“Why don’t you tell her to shut up?”
“Because she’s not the one talking about murdering you!”
“That’s fair” Moony says and Sirius huffs
“My turn” Ursa beams “Sirius, fuck marry kill: James, Peter and Lupin”
“Pensé que no ibas a causar ningún problema esta noche” I thought you weren't going to cause any trouble tonight Regulus tells her through gritted teeth
“Sí, pero me aburrí” Yeah, but I got bored She says with a flick of her hair “Aparte, le estoy haciendo un favor, su cerebro es demasiado chiquitito para que lo descifre todo solito por su cuenta” Plus, I'm doing him a favor, his brain is too tiny for him to figure it out all on his own
“Just for that:” Sirius glares at Regulus, convinced he’s just been insulted in Spanish. Well, he’s right about that, Regulus just wasn’t a part of it “I’m marrying James”
“Il a le plus gros portefeuille” He has the biggest wallet Ursa winks at him in approval “And he’s already your sugar daddy. Technically he’s all of our sugar daddies now”
“Maybe then you should be nicer to me”
“Oh, but that’s not what you like” she winks at him and he tilts his head back in laughter as Regulus burns a deep crimson cheeks
“I’m not with him for his money” Regulus glares at her
“Of course it’s not about money, you would’ve stayed at home if it were for that” she frowns at him with genuine confusion “and I was engaged to a much richer person who was gonna let me manage every single dime of it. Now we’re poor and depending on the money of a guy who uses generic-two-in-one-shampoo” She chokes on her disgust
“What is it with Blacks and hair products?” Marlene mumbles and Ursa twirls to her like a whip
“What shampoo do you use?”
“I don’t know,” Marlene shrugs “whatever my mum buys”
“Ay Dios mío” Ursa draws a hand to her chest “Your mother’s either buying some really good shit or your genes are made of gold” she reaches across Peter and twirls a finger around a blonde curl, soft and bouncy
“Never cared much about my hair, it’s whatever” she shrugs and pulls her ponytail to the other side. Ursa props an arm on Peter’s thigh and her chin on her hands. She stares at Marlene, her eyes study her for a second, analyze her, calculate.
“Have you ever thought about chopping it off? Cutting it short?”
“What?” Marlene’s eyes grow wide “What makes you say that?”
“Just thought it’d look good on you” she leans her head on Peter's stomach who lays still without an idea of what he’s supposed to do with a Black sprawled across his lap. Is he supposed to run his fingers through her hair? Blacks hate it when anyone touches their hair. Does he want to do that? Fuck, he wants to. He shouldn’t want to. But it looks so soft and silky, it probably smells nice too
“I don’t know,” she shrugs again and stares at the tips of her long hair “I thought about it once or twice”
“You never told us that” Mary frowns at her and Marlene simply shrugs, shrinking into herself
“I wouldn’t dare anyway”
“Why not?” Lily asks with a soft, encouraging tone but only gets a shrug
“If you’re worried about what people are going to say you can just show up with us” Ursa says once it’s clear Marlene won’t answer Lily’s question “You could show up with meter-high neon hair and no one would even look at you twice if you’re standing next to the people who were freshly disowned by their rich, socialite parents and recently tortured by the bald man himself”
“He tortured you?!” Marlene gasps but Ursa brushes it off with a dismissive wave of her hand
“My point is: if you want to cut your hair just do it, Reggie’s brilliant, he’s been cutting Sirius hair since he was eleven and Sirius’ been learning a hair-growing spell for just as long, so he can fix it if you don’t end up liking it” Peter frowns at the kindness in her voice, it sounds sincere and he’s convinced she deserves an award for what can only be a performance of empathy since she lacks any real one.
“I don’t know” Marlene mumbles to her hair
“I didn’t know that” James pokes Regulus who’s leaning along his lap.
“I'm full of surprises” he shrugs
“That you are” James is kissing him again, he’ll never grow tired of that.
“I thought Gryffindors were meant to be daring and impulsive” she taunts her
“Daring yes, impulsive no” Lily says “But I think you should do it”
“If even our Lily approves then you have to do it”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Lily scowls at Mary
“Lils, I didn’t mean anything bad by it. Please let us cut your hair Marls”
“ugh, fine, but if I hate it you’re fixing it” she points to Sirius who holds his palms up with a nod.
Everyone rushes into the house but Regulus pulls his sister back a step “Maldad o bondad?” Evilness or kindness?
“manipular a la gente es divertido sea bueno o sea malo” manipulating people is fun whether it's good or bad. Regulus smiles at her answer
“kindness then”
“Ew, you’re starting to sound like your boyfriend. It’s disgusting”
“Hmm, whatever you say” he muses and she glares at him.
“I’ll hex you” she promises and he sprints away.
Fuck you, and you, and you
I hate your friends and they hate me too
I'm through, I'm through, I'm through
This that hot girl bummer anthem
Turn it up and throw a tantrum