Over The Moony
Because I'm the devil who's searching for redemption
And I'm a lawyer who's searching for redemption
I'm a killer who's searching for redemption
I'm a fucking monster who's searching for redemption
The next morning Peter’s blood runs cold and his heart skips faster when Ursa saunters into the library. Her presence is the one of a dementor. Sirius looks up from their chess game and cocks a brow at her. She declares she’ll play against the winner and walks over to the bookshelf. Sirius nods knowing fully well that she’ll be playing against Pete. Great. He’ll have more time to continue his research, the research all his friends insisted he needed to take a break from, thus them playing chess
Sirius has spent the past two weeks with his nose stuck on a book, researching everything and anything he can find on animagi or werewolves. Those two weeks are also the same amount of time that’s gone by since Remus visited them last. He’s avoiding them. He knows now, there’s no denying it anymore. Just when Moony was starting to get over the worst mistake Sirius has ever made, Ursa had to come along and sink her claws into the scab. He tries to delude himself into believing it’s Regulus and Ursa he’s avoiding and not him, but he knows no one’s ever hurt Remus the way he did. He knows he deserves it, worst even. Knowing he deserves it makes it hurt even more.
“Moony said he might stop by today” Peter casually breaks the news to him several minutes later, because Peter can visit Remus freely and knows his cool gym friends Sirius is definitely not jealous of
“He did?” Sirius fails spectacularly at keeping the excitement out of his voice.
“Oh, that’s just sad” Ursa stares at him like he’s a mosquito about to be squandered.
“Bitch” he kicks her foot
James elbows Regulus and nods for him to go ahead “Fine” Regulus makes theatrics of rolling his eyes “Sirius, I’ll talk to your boyfriend”
“He’s not my boyfriend” Sirius mumbles, sounding ant size.
“I’ll let him know I’ll keep my mouth shut”
“That’s not what James tells me” Peter cackles sounding manic. Ursa’s lip twitches with a smile alongside him but the others aren’t as amused. He takes a deep sobering breath “sorry. Seeing Sirius sad freaks me out”
“He isn’t wrong though” James says smugly and Regulus shrugs in agreement. Sirius covers his ears with his hands and begs for death, he chucks a pillow at James face and just to be safe kicks Regulus.
I wanna make you hungry, then I wanna feed ya
I wanna paint your face like you're my Mona Lisa
I wanna be a champion, I wanna be a loser
I'll even be a clown 'cause I just wanna amuse ya
“What the fuck?” Ursa frowns at the chessboard almost an hour later “You beat me” she looks up at Peter with a wrinkle between her brows. That drool-looking, unseeming bloke with low self esteem beat her at chess.
“I told you I was good” he hides behind a sheepish smile. His cheeks burn a soft shade of red
“You actually beat me” she blinks at him “No one’s ever done that before” what the actual fuck is going on? His face doesn’t hide his pleasure for the victory but his prediction of it. He knew he’d beat her and he did. What the hell is going on? Since when do her brother’s friends have salvageable brains?
“You’re good too”
“Do not pity me” she waves away his sympathy “I want a do over”
“That’s oddly nice for you” Sirius stares at them
“I’ve even been known to be nice once or twice”
“Congratulations Wormy, you finally found someone to play against” Sirius coos, Ursa smirks at him and his grin dims, he’s lived with her long enough to know he should fear that smirk
“Binley,” with a crack Binley appears by her side “Hello love, thanks for coming, you are so lovely, do you think you could do a teeny tiny little favor for me, please?” she bats her lashes at the house elf and whispers instructions in his ear, she isn’t that careless as to use her wand without any adults nearby to take the blame of magic use. He snaps his fingers and Sirius’ hair turns from black to a bright shade of pink. It’s pulled back in a bun so he doesn’t notice it, just hears the laughter around him
“Binley, you traitor!”
“Don’t yell at Binley” she smacks the side of his pink head
“What did you do?!”
“We made you bald” she lies though a flutter of lashes. He squeals clutching his hair—his actual hair, which if he had any trace of intelligence would make him realize he hasn’t actually gone bald. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have even a hint of a brain cell. He wails all the while rushing to the bathroom. He curses her from the bathroom but Binley casts a muffliato and Ursa gushes over him in praise as the house elf blushes proudly.
“She’s already corrupted the bloody house elf, great.” Sirius huffs to himself in the mirror
The chess pieces set back into place and she makes the first move. After she makes several moves she says “e4—wait.” She frowns at the board and back up at him “I don’t see it” she glances down from Peter’s face to the pieces on the board and her frown deepens “What am I missing?”
“See what?”
“Why do you want me to move it there? If I move e4 to e5 I block your queen from taking my tower so you’ll have to use your horse and I’ll take your knight, putting the king on check so you’ll have to move it and I’ll take your queen, what am I missing? I’m missing something” she taps her fingers on the wooden table and Peter bites down a smile
“Why are you so sure you’re missing something?”
“Your face” she waves a finger in his direction “Why do you want me to make that move?”
“You can see that on my face?”
“Yes.” she puts her elbows on the table and her chin on her hands “Tell me”
“My pawn”
“Your pawn? It isn’t—Oh. That’s like ten steps ahead!” he nods “Oh, you’re brilliant” she muses like she just found her new favorite toy. She stares at him in awe, a lovely sight he knows better than to trust as true. She knocks over her king and holds out her hand. He’s hesitant she’ll yank it back and spit something vile at him but she doesn’t.
“Careful Ursie, that sounds dangerously close to being nice” Sirius warns coming back from the bathroom rocking a pink mane. She rolls her eyes
“I can be nice when I want to. I just rarely do. Especially when it comes to you, Siri. And don’t call me Ursie. My name is Ursa”
“And my name is Sirius, not Siri”
“But Siri sounds like nails on a chalkboard, it represents you better”
“Why are you always such a bitch?” he glares at her, always ready to take a jibe at her
“Incest” She shrugs and Peter hides his laugh with a cough under Sirius’ glare.
“That’d explain it” Remus says drawing everyone’s attention to him, for the first time noticing his presence “Cool hair” he nods to Sirius who proceeds to malfunction. His brain clogs, his eyes wide, he looks like Prongs caught on headlights.
“Regulus wanted to talk to you. REGULUS!”
“I don’t think he can hear you”
“How do you know that?”
“Because we can’t hear him” Sirius frowns at Peter “James isn’t here either…” he points out and Ursa finishes the explanation by mimicking the sound of springs on a bed. Remus wipes his smile before anyone can see it
“Ew, I didn’t need that on my mind”
“You asked!”
“I can talk to him instead,” Ursa sweetly offers. Too sweetly.
“Over my dead corpse!” Sirius’ brain might be currently absent but not even then is he stupid enough to take her up on that offer “I’ll be right back!” He takes off running up the stairs and goes through the trauma of walking in on his best friend in bed with his little baby brother.He’s glad his best friend is happy. He’s glad his brother is now happy and safe. He isn’t glad about the way his eyes burn at the sight of it. He knows what they do in their private time, he’s unlucky enough that James isn’t shy about letting him know. However, he doesn’t need the reminder. Their naked bits under the covers aren’t a welcomed reminder. But he told Remus he’d get Regulus. So, he drapes a hand over his eyes, walks right into the open door. Thankfully for him, he walks in when the sheets are covering their naked bodies, they’re simply laughing and talking. He still hates every second of it.
I know you're scared of me, you said I'm too eccentric
I'm crying all my tears and that's fucking pathetic
The conversation is as excruciatingly awkward as Regulus predicted. That’s usually what happens when neither party wants to have the conversation, but that’s James Potter for you, there’s nothing Regulus wouldn’t do for him, including having this totally unnecessary conversation. Probably the same reason why Remus is willing to put up with it. Regulus would cut off his own arm if it’d just make James smile. His parents would call him weak for it, Ursa would call him pathetic and Sirius would probably call it disgusting
“You can ask questions, you know. I know you probably have them” Remus’ hunched down over himself hiding his towering height over Regulus, probably trying to be as least intimidating as possible
“Only one,” Regulus says and Lupin nods for him to go on “does it affect your human mind?”
“No, my thoughts are entirely my own” Remus rushes to soothe, his eyes are wild and vastly resembling a lamb “I promise, as long as I’m human I would never hurt anyone, but I understand, if you don’t feel safe around me then I can—”
“That’s not why I asked,” he cuts off his lamentable rambling and puts the poor sod off his misery “that’s not what I meant”
“No?”
“No” Regulus says, the corners of his lips twitch up, vaguely resembling his sister’s signature smirk “Just thought I’d give you a good excuse for liking my idiot brother”
“Ever looked in the mirror, pretty boy?” That's the moment Regulus decides he likes the Lupin lad. He can see why his brother is so keen on him.
“You can stop freaking out now. Honestly the only thing about your lycanthropy that I care about is that I won’t be getting laid once a month”
“Such a great tragedy” Remus deadpans
“Exactly. You should keep it in mind if James ever asks you to leave the dorm again” Remus eyes narrow on him and Regulus nods “I was under the invisibility cloak that time”
“I would’ve if he told me the truth. Guess he won’t have to lie anymore. To either of us.”
“Your secret’s safe with me. I promise” he holds his gazes to prove that he means it “And with Ursa. Safest, trust me”
I wanna be your slave, I wanna be your master
I wanna make your heartbeat run like rollercoasters
I wanna be your good boy, I wanna be your gangster
'Cause you can be the beauty and I could be the monster
Moony hasn’t come back around for an entire week. When he does come back, he spends the entire day off to the side next to Regulus. Reading. He doesn’t so much as look at Sirius. Not even once. He knows because he’s been watching. Attentively.
Moony and Regulus fit together like a glove. Apparently, they’re ‘compatible’ or whatever the hell that means. To Sirius it means watching them roll their eyes at him together, and share conversations about books Sirius hasn’t read but is now determined to if it’ll mean Moony will smile at him the same perfect, beautiful way he just did at his brother. Not that he’s jealous or anything. Just territorial. Sure.
He’s just about to leave, probably go home and not come for at least another week when Ursa slips behind him, swift as a shadow “I think it’s time you and I finally have a little talk now”
“Ursa–” Sirius rushes in to stop her, she’s been a little too bored this past week for anyone’s sake. For anyone’s safety.
“It’s fine” Remus snaps at Sirius who recoils like an injured animal. Remus hates him for that. He hates himself for it too.
“Are you going to threaten me with telling everyone I’m a werewolf unless I do what you want?” he asks her once the two of them are alone in Sirius’ room and Ursa casted a muffliato charm because Sirius will definitely, a hundred percent, be trying to listen in on the other side of the door to make sure his wonderful Moonbeam is safe from Ursa’s sharp claws of wickedness. Such a drama queen. Honestly, if she wanted to hurt him, she’d do it in front of him so she could see Sirius ache as she pierces through his already scarred flesh
“Now, why on earth would I do that?” she leans back against the dresser and surveys him with a curios frown, seeming entirely clueless
“Then what do you want?”
“I just thought I’d let you know I won’t tell anyone about your hairy little problem anytime soon, in case you were worried”
“Let me guess, you’ll save the blackmail material for another time?”
“Ten points for Gryffindor, looks like some of you can actually do have brains. Though you probably shouldn’t worry, you won’t even find out when it happens anyways, he’ll probably try to protect you from the burden of knowing what I’ll have him do, he’s dramatic like that”
“If you mean Sirius, then I think you’re a bit off”
“Oh, come on, you’re smarter than that. You’ve seen him, trailing after you like a lost puppy. As long as I have your life in my hands, I have him wrapped around my little finger. Actually, he might even try to bite my hands off if it means not touching you.”
“I don’t think you know what you’re talking about”
“There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you” she states
“Except keeping a secret”
“Except thinking. You know he’s never been too good at that, not even when we were just kids. I think I might be a little bit to blame about that, actually, so sorry about that, my bad”
“Your fault?” he sighs, ready to be bullshat
“Well I can’t take all the credit, our parents did their part, and I’m just like them, I’m calculating. Every move, every word, every action is well thought-out. It’s measured, it bites and it stings and it’s bitter poison.
“Not like Regulus, no, he thinks things through as well, almost as much as us, but he’s just paralyzed by it. I think we scared him into perpetual impulsivity because what scares him the most is being just like them, just like us. And he knows that if he thinks about it he’ll realize that he is. Because that’s what he is. No matter how much he tries to outrun it, he’ll always be a Black. He’s just like us.”
“You want me to say that he’s nothing like you” he says unimpressed, isn’t she supposed to be some sort of expert master manipulator?
“No, actually I care more about what a cow’s fart smells like than I do about your opinion.” Remus blinks at the highly specific way of phrasing. He’ll admit, that does throws him off for a loop
********
“What I want is for you to hurt him”
“I—What?”
“Hurt him. That’s how he’ll learn. That’s what we do, he’ll understand that way. Just hurt him”
“Really? Reverse psychology?”
“No. Forwards psychology. I am genuinely telling you to hurt him. You’ll both feel better, I promise. He tortured me and it worked out great, totally worked for us, we made up”
“You’re not serious, you’re just manipulating me, how gullible do you think I am?”
“Why does everyone keep acting like speaking what’s on my mind is synonymous with manipulating? Look, just do it, I promise you’ll feel better. I’ve done it and I’m telling you, it works like a charm, you can even ask him if you want”
“I know you’re manipulating me, but I’m not torturing him”
“I didn’t say torture, just roughen him up a little, use your fists if you want, have some fun”
“Hurting people isn’t fun!” he rages and aims for the door, having had enough of this. He stops at the sound of the chuckles behind him. He glares at her and her laughter dies off
“Oh, sorry, I thought that was a joke but I guess you’re just a hypocrite then” she laughs, Remus is the joke “I don’t get what’s with you blokes. Someone hurt you, they did something really shitty, they pissed you off and you want to hurt them, you want to watch them ache. What’s so wrong with that? Are you so afraid that if you admit the truth then you’ll no longer be a good person? That you’ll prove you’re the monster everyone thinks you are? Well, if a lie’s the only thing keeping you a good person, then I’m sorry to break it to you sweetheart, but you’re not actually a good person. And who the fuck cares? Good people are boring as hell”
“I don’t want to hurt him!” he knows, he knows she’s manipulating him but god dammit, he can’t stop himself from spitting back
“Of course you do! You spent the entire day pointedly not staring at him and making heart eyes at his little brother. You wanted to hurt him. And that’s okay. He deserves it. And if causing him emotional pain felt good in any sort of way then, I’m telling you, you should try physical pain. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. I promise, he knows he deserves it, genuinely, he’ll be thrilled. Just let him carry all the sorrow you feel, let him carry it for you. Why is it up to you to carry the burden of what he did to you? Lessen your load, lessen both your loads, you’ll both feel better afterwards”
“No. I don’t—you—” he throws the door open and storms right out before she can keep drilling holes into his mind. Sometimes just because you know you’re being manipulated doesn’t stop it from working, because now all that flashes through his head in a constant loop is Sirius in pain, Sirius hurt because of him, and him liking it. He doesn’t want to be angry anymore, he doesn’t want to be glad Sirius is in pain. He doesn’t want it to hurt anymore “We need to talk” Sirius trips over himself in his hurry to follow him.
“What the hell did you tell him?” Peter gapes at her in awe. She’s just done the unthinkable, what they’ve all been trying to do for months, getting them to talk. She did it in a heartbeat, on a whim. She did it just because she was bored.
“I don’t think he’s gonna take my advice” she pouts and picks her books back up with a wicked smug.
I'm a bad guy who's searching for redemption
And I'm a blonde girl who's searching for redemption
I'm a freak who is searching for redemption
I'm a fucking monster who's searching for redemption
Remus slams Sirius’ bedroom door behind them with a loud bang and casts a muffliato charm. Sirius sinks onto the edge of his bed knowing whatever’s headed his way, he deserves worse. Remus paces from side to side burning a hole in the carpet. Fucking Ursa. Sirius knew he shouldn’t have let her drag Moony off alone. He’s to blame for this as well, he shouldn’t have let her. It seems all he’s able to do when it comes to Remus is hurt him. That doesn’t stop Sirius from frantically trying to smooth over the ragged edges Ursa just shattered into sharp, even if he cuts himself to bits in the process “Whatever she said, ignore her, she’s just a liar and—”
“She told me to hurt you. Physically. She told me to hurt you the way you hurt me so you can carry the pain for me” his voice cracks but he goes on undeterred “and I know that she was manipulating me, I knowthat.” he tugs on the roots of his hair, Sirius watches him in silence, like a statue, not knowing what he’s supposed to do, what to say “But the thing is,” he shuts his eyes like the words are hard to get out, painful. When he finally speaks, he sounds exhausted “She didn’t lie” when his eyes snap open he stares directly at Sirius “she wasn’t wrong”
“Really?” he can’t keep the hope off his voice as he sits up on the bed.
“That’s not how it works Sirius” Remus looks at him with a pained expression and Sirius can’t help feeling like he’s just failed a test, why can’t he ever get it right?
“What? Bu– bu– but you just said she wasn’t lying. Y– you said she was right”
“She said you’d be thrilled to do it” he says and Sirius shrinks into himself and his eyes dart to the ground “That’s what she was right about. That you think you deserve it.”
“I do” he whispers, almost too soft to be heard and cursing himself for sounding like he’s the victim in all of this instead of the victimizer
“No, you don’t, Sirius.” He takes a deep breath and sits down on the other end of the bed “What you did…” he seems to think what the right words are “It was stupid, and you hurt me, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be tortured. I know you didn’t do it out of malice, I know you weren’t trying to hurt me, but even if you didn’t, even then you wouldn’t deserve to be tortured. Nobody does” Sirius stares down at his own hands in shame, he wasn’t so gallant with his own sister “Sirius, I don’t think you’re a horrible person. And I don’t hate you”
*****
“You don’t?” his eyes shoot up to meet his and he holds his breath fearing he’ll take it back once he realize what he said, realize he doesn’t mean it, how could he ever mean it?
“Sirius, I don’t think I could ever hate you” Remus admits and Sirius’ heart beats so fast in his chest that he forgets how to breathe. He has to be dreaming, there’s no way this is real “even if I tried” and they both know he did try “pretending I don’t want you in my life is exhausting and it just keeps hurting us more. I don’t want to be in pain anymore. I want to move on, I want to try being friends again. I don’t want to keep swallowing down everything I want to say to you, everything I want to ask”
“You can ask me anything you want” he’s quick to offer “I’ll tell you everything you want”
“Sirius, you’re allowed to keep your boundaries. Just because you hurt me doesn’t mean I get to punish you”
“I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t want to tell you. It’s not even about guilt, I just really fucking miss you. Moony, I miss you more than I thought I was capable of ever missing someone. I miss talking to you and the sound of your voice and even the way you silently judge me when I do something stupid and your face and your cheeky smile and even when you tease me. Moony I—” he lets the words die in his mouth because he hasn’t earned the words that come next, they’ll only hurt him, guilt him, manipulate him into forgiving him. He isn’t his sister, he isn’t his parents, he won’t manipulate Remus or guilt him into being in his life. Remus deserves better than that, better than him “I just really miss you” that isn’t a lie, he’s missed even simply breathing the same air as Remus
“I miss you too Sirius” he smiles softly at him and Sirius clenches the sheets in an attempt to stop himself from launching straight for those long arms that always seem so welcoming. Things are fragile right now, he doesn’t want to be too much “Though I gotta admit, I’m not in the mood to admit to your sister that her little ploy worked” he huffs but it doesn’t sound angry, he sounds… lighter. He feels that way too. Hating Sirius weighed him, it was like swimming against the current, because the tides and the Moon want him to love Sirius, it’s how he was built, it’s ingrained into his dna, a part of who he is. No matter how hard he tries, the Moon can never loath the stars, they belong together on the night’s sky.
“Now you know what the last sixteen years of my life have been like”
“How are you feeling about that, by the way? Them being here, I mean”
“I don’t know,” He shrugs and looks down at his hands “she got him out of that house when I couldn’t. Maybe if I fought harder—”
“He’s out now. He’s safe and he’s happy”
“Yeah,” it almost feels like they’re who they’ve always been, just Sirius and Moony “not thanks to me though, that was my job as their big brother. I had to—they hurt them and I wasn’t there to protect them and I didn’t even realize she needed protecting. When they got here, I thought she was dead and—I know she’s awful, but she’s my sister and I—but then she woke up and she was fine and I—I hurt her worse than he did. I almost break her and I still can’t do anything other than fight with her and I look at her with Regulus and they’re so familiar with each other. It used to be my bed they crawled into when they had a nightmare, but now I don’t even know them and they know each other so well and— I should be grateful they’re here now, but instead I’m just bitter and… jealous” he chokes the words out
“I think I’d be jealous too”
“You would?” he startles him out of his sorrow and shame
“Maybe this is your chance to learn how to get along with them without fighting, away from them” he doesn’t need to clarify who them is, their evil family. Sirius wipes his eyes and they come out wet, when did he start crying?
I wanna be your sex toy, I wanna be your teacher
I wanna be your sin, I wanna be a preacher
I wanna make you love me, then I wanna leave ya
'Cause baby, I'm your David and you're my Goliath, uh-huh